Wall, this mornin', on our way to the grounds, I sez to Josiah--
"There is one thing that I want you to do the first thing to-day, and
that is for you to see that good creeter, Senator Palmer."
Sez I, "I jest happened to read this mornin' how he's takin' up a
subscription to help the Duke of Veragua, and we must see him and help
the cause along." Sez I, "I can't bear to think of Columbuses folks
a-sufferin' for things."
Sez Josiah, "Let Columbuses folks nip in and work jest as I do, and
they'll git along."
"They hain't been brung up to it," sez I; "I don't spoze he ever
ploughed a acre of land in his life, or sheared a sheep. And I don't
spoze she knows what it is to pick a goose, or do a two weeks' washin'."
I'm sorry for 'em as I can be. And to think that that villain of a
Manager should have run away with that money while they wuz over here
a-helpin' their forefathers birthday!
Sez I, "It makes me feel like death."
"It makes me feel," sez Josiah gloomily, "that no knowin' but the Old
Harry will git into Ury while we are away."
But I sez, "Don't worry, Josiah--Ury and Philura are pure gold."
"Wall, dum it all, pure gold can be melted if the fire is hot enough."
But I went back to the old subject--"We must give sunthin' to the cause;
it will be expected of us, and it is right that we should."
"But," sez Josiah, with a gloomy and fierce look, "if I can git out of
Chicago with a hull shirt on my back it's all I expect to do. I hain't
no money to spend on Dukes, and you'll say so when we come to pay our
bills."
Sez I, "You needn't send any money, Josiah Allen; but," sez I, "we might
send 'em a tub of butter and a kag of cowcumber pickles jest as well as
not, and a ham, to help 'em along through the winter, and I'd gladly
send him and her yarn enough for a good pair of socks and stockin's. She
might knit 'em," sez I, "or I would. I'll send him a pair of fringe
mittens anyway," sez I; "it hain't noways likely that she knows how to
make them. They take intellect and practice to knit."
And sez I, "I want you to be sure and see Senator Palmer without fail,
and tell him to be sure and let us know when he sends things, so's we
can put in and add our two mites."
Sez he, "The money has gone."
"Wall," sez I, "I am a disap'inted creeter. I wanted to do my part
towards gittin' them good, noble folks enough to live on till Spring."
Sez Josiah (and mebby it wuz to git my attention off from the subject,
which he felt wuz perilous to his pocket--he is clost)--sez he, "There
is one man here, Samantha, that I'd give a cent to see."
Sez I, "Who is it that you are willin' to make such a extraordinary
outlay for?"
"The Rager," sez he.
"The Rager," sez I dreamily; "who's that?"
"Why, the Rager from India. I spoze," sez he, "that he is one of the
raginest men that you ever see. He took his name from that, most likely,
and to intimidate his subjects. Now, King or Emperor don't strike the
same breathless terror; but Rager--why, jest the name is enough to make
'em behave."
"Wall," sez I, "if the Monarch of Ingy is here I must see him, and git
him not to burn any more widders with their dead pardners." Sez I, "It's
a clear waste of widders, besides bein' wicked as wicked can be. Widders
is handy," sez I, "now to keep boardin'-housen, or to go round as
agents. Old maids hain't nothin' by the side of 'em, and they look so
sort o' respectable behind their black veils, and then they are needed
so for the widdower supply--and that market is always full." Sez I, "I
don't want 'em wasted, and I want the wickedness to be stopped.
"And then to insist on marryin' so many wimmen. I'd love to labor with
him, and convince him that one's enough."
"It seems to me," sez Josiah, "that I could make him _know_ that one's
enough. It _seems_ as if _any married man might_. Heaven knows, it
_seems_ so!" sez he.
I didn't like his axent. There seemed to be some iron in it, but I
wouldn't dane to parley.
"And then," sez I, "their makin' their wimmen wear veils all the time.
What a foolish habit! What's the use on't? Smotherin' 'em half to death,
and wearin' out their veils for nothin'.
"And then I'd make him educate 'em--gin 'em a chance," sez I; "but
whether he gives it or not the bell of Freedom is a-echoin' clear from
Wyomin' to Ingy, and it sounds clear under them veils. They will be
throwed off whether he is willin' or not, and I'd love to tell him so."
Sez Josiah, "I guess it will be as the Rager sez."
"No," sez I solemnly; "it will be as the Lord sez, and He is callin' to
wimmen all over the earth, and they are answerin' the call."
But we hearn afterwards that Josiah had got it wrong--it wuz
Ragah--R-a-g-a-h--instead of Rager--and he wuz one of the most
sensiblest fellers that ever stepped on our shores in royal shoes. He
paid his own bills, wuz modest, and intelligent, wanted to git
information instead of idolatry from the American people. He didn't want
no ball, no bowin' and backin' off--no escort. No chance at all here for
the Ward McAllisters to show off, and act.
He acted like a good sensible American man, some as our son Thomas
Jefferson would act if he should go over to his neighborhood on
business.
He wanted to see for himself the life of the Americans, the way the
common people lived--he wanted to git information to help his own
people.
And he wanted to see Edison the most of all. That in itself would make
him congenial to me. I myself think of Edison side by side with
Christopher Columbus, and I guess the high chair he sets on up in my
mind, with his lap full of his marvellous discoveries, is a little
higher than Columbuses high chair.
Oh, how congenial the Ragah of Kahurthalia would be! How I wish we could
have visited together! But it wuzn't to be, for Josiah said that he'd
gone the night before, so we wended on.
Wall, we hadn't more than got into the grounds this mornin' when Josiah
hearn a bystander a-standin' near tell another one about the Ferris
Wheel.
"Why," sez he, "you jest git into one of them cars, and you are carried
up so that it seems as if you can see the hull world at your feet."
Josiah turned right round in his tracts, and sez he, "Where can I find
that wheel?"
And the man sez, "On the Midway Plaisance."
And Josiah sez, "Where is that?"
And the man pinted out the nearest way, and nothin' to do but what we
must set out to find that wheel, and go up in one.
I counselled caution and delay, but to no effect. That wheel had got to
be found to once, and both on us took up in it.
I dreaded the job.
Wall, the Plaisance begins not fur back of the Woman's Buildin'. It is a
strip of land about six hundred feet wide and a mild in length,
connecting Washington Park with Jackson Park, where Columbus has his
doin's, and it comes out at the Fair Ground right behind the Woman's
Buildin'.
Josiah jest wanted to rush along, clamorin' for the wheel, and not
lookin' for nothin' on either side till he found it.
But I wuz firm in this as a rock, that if I went at all I would go
megum actin' and quiet, and look at everything we come to.
And wuzn't there enough to look at jest in the street? Folks of all
nations under the earth. They seemed like the leaves of a forest, or the
sands of the sea, if them sands and leaves wuz turned into men, wimmen,
and children--high hats, bunnets, umbrells, fans, canes, parasols,
turbans, long robes, and short ones, gay ones, bright ones, feathers,
sedan chairs, bijous, rollin' chairs, Shacks--or that is how Josiah
pronounced it. I told him that they wuz spelt S-h-e-i-k-s.
But he sez that you could tell that they wuz Shacks by the looks on 'em.
Truly it wuz a sight--a sight what we see in that street. Why, it wuz
like payin' out some thousand dollars, and with two trunks, and
onmeasured fatigue, spend years and years travellin' over the world.
Why, we seemed to be a-journeyin' through foreign countries, a-carryin'
the thought with us that we took our breakfast in our own hum, and that
we should sleep there that night, but for all that we wuz in Turkey, and
Japan, and Dahomey, and Lapland, etc., etc., etc.
Wall, the first thing we come to as we begun on the right side--and
anybody with my solid principles wouldn't begin on any other side but
the sheep's side--we wouldn't begin on the goats--no, indeed!
The first thing we come to wuz the Match Company. Here you could see
everything about makin' matches, and when you consider how hard it would
be to go back to the old way of strikin' light with a flint, and
traipsin' off to the neighbors to borrow a few coals on a January
mornin', you will know how interestin' that exhibit wuz.
And then come the International Dress and Costume Company--all the
different countries of the globe show their home life and costumes.
And I sez to Josiah, "If this Fair had been put off ten years, or even
five, I believe the American wimmen would show a costume less adapted to
squeezin' the life out of 'em, and scrapin' up all the filth and disease
in the streets, and rakin' it hum."
And Josiah sez, "Oh, do come along! we shan't git to that wheel to-day
if you dally so, and begin to talk about wimmen and their doin's."
Then come the Workin' Man's Home in Philadelphia. Then the Libby Glass
Works, and when Josiah discovered it wuz free, he willin'ly accedded to
my request to walk in and look round. He told me from the first on't
that he wuzn't goin' to pay out a cent of money there. Sez he, "We can
see enough--Heaven knows we can--without payin' for any sights."
Wall, here we see all kinds of American glass manufactured, from goblets
and butter-dishes up to glass draperies, dresses, laces, neckties, and
all sorts of orniments.
Josiah sez, "Samantha, oh, how I would like a glass necktie--it would be
so uneek; how I could show off to Deacon Gowdy!"
"Wall," sez I, "we can try to buy one, and at the same time I will order
a glass polenay."
"Oh, no," sez he, "it would be too resky; glass is so brittle it would
make you restive."
And he tried to hurry me along, but I would look round a little; and we
see there right before our face and eyes a man take a long tube and dip
it into melted glass, and blow out cups and flower-vases, and trim 'em
all off with flowers of glass of all colors, and sech cut glass as we
see there I never see before; why, one little piece takes a man a month
to cut it out into its diamond glitter.
And I would stop to see that glass dress all finished off for the
Princess Eulaly. There it wuz in plain sight in Mr. Libby's factory
draped on a wax figger of Eulaly. Mr. Libby made it and presented it to
the Princess.
It took ten million feet of glass thread; it wuz wove into twelve
yards of cloth, and sent to a dressmaker in New York, who fitted it to
the Princess on her last days in the city. It is low neck and short
sleeves, and has a row of glass fringe round the bottom, and soft glass
ruching round the neck and sleeves. It looks some like pure white satin,
and some different. It is as beautiful as any dress ever could be, and
Eulaly will look real sweet in it. She'll be sorry to not have me see
her in it, I hain't a doubt.
[Illustration: It took ten million feet of glass thread, and Eulaly
will look real sweet in it.]
And oh, how I did wish, as I looked at it, that her ancestor could have
seen it, and meditated how pert and forwards the land wuz that he'd
discovered!
Glass dresses--the idee!
But Josiah looked kinder oneasy all the time that I wuz a-lookin' at it;
he wuz afraid of what thoughts I might be entertainin' in my mind
onbeknown to him, and he hurried me onwards.
But the very next place we come to be wuz still more anxious to proceed
rapidly, for this wuz the Irish Village, where native wimmen make the
famous Irish laces.
It wuz a perfect Irish village, lackin' the dirt, and broken winders,
and the neighborly pigs, and etc.
At one end of it is the exact reproduction of the ancient castle
Donegal, famed in song and story. In the rooms of this castle the lace
wuz exhibited--beautiful laces as I ever see, or want to see, and piles
and piles of it, and of every beautiful pattern.
I did hanker for some of it to trim a night-cap. As I told Josiah, "I
wouldn't give a cent for any of the white lace dresses, not if I had to
wear 'em, or white lace cloaks." Sez I, "I'd feel like a fool a-goin' to
meetin' or to the store to carry off butter with a white lace dress on,
or a white lace mantilly, but I would love dearly to own some of that
narrer lace for a night-cap border."
But his anxiety wuz extreme to go on that very instant.
He wanted to see the Blarney stun on top of the tower of the castle. It
is a stun about as big as Josiah's hat, let down below the floor, so's
you have to stoop way down to even see it, let alone kissin' it.
Josiah wuz very anxious to kiss it, but I frowned on the needless
expense.
Sez I, "Men don't _need_ to kiss it; Blarney is born in 'em, as you may
say, and is nateral nater to 'em."
Sez he, "But it is so stylish to embrace it, Samantha, and it only costs
ten cents."
[Illustration: "But it is so stylish, Samantha, and it only costs
ten cents."]
"But," I sez firmly, "you hain't a-goin' to kiss no chunk of Chicago
stun, Josiah Allen, or pay out your money for demeanin' yourself."
Sez I, "The original Blarney stun is right there in its place in the
tower of Blarney Castle in Ireland. It hain't been touched, and couldn't
be."
"I don't believe that Lady Aberdeen would allow no sech works to go on,"
sez he.
Sez I, "Lady Aberdeen can't help herself. How can a minister keep the
hull of his congregation from lyin'?"
Sez I, "She is one of the nicest wimmen in the world--one of the few
noble ones that reach down from high places, and lift up the lowly, and
help the world. I don't spoze she knows about the Blarney stun. And
don't you go to tellin' her," sez I severely, "and hurt her feelin's."
Sez he, in a morbid tone, "We hain't been in the habit of visitin' back
and forth, and probable if we wuz, you'd tell her before I could if you
got a chance. Wimmen have sech long tongues."
He wuz mad, as I could see, about my breakin' up his fashionable
performance with that Chicago rock, but I didn't care.
I merely sez, "If you want to do anything to remember the place, you can
buy me a yard and a half of linen lace to trim that night-cap, or a
under-clothe, Josiah." But he acted agitated here, and sez he, "I
presoom that it is cotton lace."
Sez I, "I wish you'd be megum, Josiah Allen. This lace is perfectly
beautiful, and it is jest what they say it is.
"And what a noble thing it wuz," sez I, "for Lady Aberdeen to do to gin
these poor Irish lace-makers a start that mebby will lift 'em right up
into prosperity; and spozen," sez I, "that you buy me a yard or two?"
But he fairly tore me away from the spot. He acted fearful agitated.
But alas! for him, he found the next place we entered also exceedin'ly
full of dangers to his pocket-book, for this wuz a Japanese Bazaar,
where every kind of queer, beautiful manufactures can be bought--
[Illustration: He found the next place we entered full of dangers to
his pocket-book.]
Rugs, bronzes, lacquer work, bamboo work, fans, screens, more tea-cups
than you ever see before, and little silk napkins of all colors, where
you can have your name wove right in it before your eyes, and etcetry,
etcetry. Here also the peculiar fire department of the Japanese is kept.
The next large place is occupied by the Javanese; this concession and
the one right acrost the road south of it is called the "Dutch
Settlement," because the villages wuz got up by a lot of Dutch
merchants.
But the people are from the Figi, Philippine, and Solomon Islands,
Samoa, Java, Borneo, New Zealand, and the Polnesian Archipelagoes.
Jest think on't! there Josiah Allen and I wuz a-travellin' way off to
places too fur to be reached only by our strainin' fancy--places that we
never expected or drempt that we could see with our mortal eyes only in
a gography.
Here I wuz a-walkin' right through their country villages with my
faithful pardner by my side, and my old cotton umbrell in my hand,
a-seemin' to anchor me to the present while I floated off into strange
realms.
All these different countries show their native industries.
We went into the Japanese Village, under a high arch, all fixed off with
towers, and wreaths, and swords--dretful ornimental.
There wuz more than a hundred natives here. Their housen are back in the
inclosure, and their work-shops in front, and in these shops and
porticos are carried on right before your eyes every trade known in
Japan, and jest as they do it at home--carvers, carpenters, spinners,
weavers, dyers, musicians, etc., etc. The colorin' they do is a sight to
see, and takes almost a lifetime to learn.
The housen of this village are mostly made of bamboo--not a nail used in
the place. Why, sometimes one hull side of their housen would be made
of a mat of braided bamboo. Bamboo is used by them for food, shelter,
war implements, medicine, musical instruments, and everything else.
Their housen wuz made in Japan, and brung over here and set up by native
workmen. They have thatched ruffs and kinder open-work sides, dretful
curious-lookin', and on the wide porticos of these housen little native
wimmen set and embroider, and wind skeins of gay-colored cotton, and
play with their little brown black-eyed babies.
The costumes of the Japanese look dretful curious to us; their loose
gay-colored robes and turbans, and sandals, etc., look jest as strange
as Josiah's pantaloons and hat, and my bask waist duz to them, I spoze.
They're a pleasant little brown people, always polite--that is learnt
'em as regular as any other lesson. Then there is another thing that our
civilized race could learn of the heathen ones.
Missionaries that we send out to teach the heathen let their own
children sass 'em and run over 'em. That is the reason that they act so
sassy when they're growed up. Politeness ort to be learnt young, even if
it has to be stomped in with spanks.
The Japanese are a child-like people easily pleased, easily
grieved--laughin' and cryin' jest like children.
They work all day, not fast enough to hurt 'em, and at nightfall they go
out and play all sorts of native games.
That's a good idee. I wish that Jonesvillians would foller it. You'd
much better be shootin' arrers from blowpipes than to blow round and jaw
your household. And you'd much better be runnin' a foot race than
runnin' your neighbors.
They've got a theatre where they perform their native dances and plays,
and one man sets behind a curtain and duz all the conversation for all
the actors. I spoze he changes his voice some for the different folks.
Wall, I led Josiah off towards the church, where all the articles of
furniture is a big bamboo chair, where the priest sets and meditates
when he thinks his people needs his thought.
I d'no but it helps 'em some, if he thinks hard enough--thoughts are
dretful curious things, anyway.
Josiah and I took considerable comfort a-wanderin' round and seein' all
we could, and noticin' how kind o' turned round things wuz from
Jonesville idees.
Now, they had some queer-lookin' little store-housen, and for all the
world they opened at the top instead of the sides, to keep the snakes
out of the rice in their native land, so they said.
Josiah wuz jest crazy to have one made like it.
"Why," sez he, "think of the safety on't, Samantha! Who'd ever think of
goin' into a corn house on top if they wanted to steal some corn?"
But I sez, "Foreign customs have got to be adopted with megumness,
Josiah Allen." Sez I, "With your rumatiz, how would you climb up on't a
dozen times a day?"
He hadn't thought of that, and he gin up the idee.
Then the ideal figger of the Japanese wimmen is narrer shoulders and big
waist.
And though I hailed the big waist joyfully, I drawed the line at the
narrer shoulders.
They have long poles about their housen, with holes bored in 'em,
through which the wind blows with a mournful sort of a voice, and they
think that that noise skairs away evil sperits.
When they come here each of their little verandas had a cage with a
sacred bird in it to coax the good sperits; they all died off, and now
they've got some pigens for 'em, and made 'em think that they wuz sacred
birds.
And Josiah, as he see 'em, instinctively sez, "Dum 'em, I'd ruther have
the evil sperits themselves round than them pigens, any time."
He hates 'em, and I spoze they do pull up seeds considerable.
Them Japanese wimmen are dretful cheerful-lookin', and Josiah and I
talked about it considerable.
Sez Josiah, "It's queer when, accordin' to their belief, a man's horse
can go to Heaven, but their wives can't; but the minute they leave this
world another celestial wife meets him, and he and his earth wife parts
forever. It is queer," sez he, "how under them circumstances that the
wimmen can look so happy."
And I sez, "It can't be that they hail anhialation as a welcome rest
from married life, can it?"
Josiah acted mad, and sez he, "I'd be a fool if I wuz in your place!"
And bein' kinder mad, he snapped out, "Them wimmen don't look as if they
knew much more than monkeys; compared to American wimmen, it's a sight."
But I sez, "You can't always tell by looks, Josiah Allen." Sez I, "As
small as they be, they've showed some of the greatest qualities since
they've been here--Constancy, Fidelity, Love."
Now one of them females lost a baby while she wuz here. Did she act as
some of our fashionable American wimmen do? No. They own twenty Saritoga
trunks, and wear their entire contents, but they do, as is well known,
commit crime to evade the cares of motherhood.
But this little woman right here in Chicago, she jest laid down
broken-hearted and died because her baby died. Her true heart broke.
Little and humbly, no doubt, and not many clothes on, but from a upper
view I wonder if her soul don't look better than the civilized,
fashionably dressed murderess?
There wuz theatres here with dancin' girls goin' as fur ahead, they
said, of Louie Fuller and Carmenciti as them two go ahead of Josiah and
Deacon Sypher as skirt-dancers.
I guess that Josiah Allen would have gone in, regardless of price, to
see this sight, so onbecomin' to a deacon and a grandfather, but I broke
it up at the first hint he gin. Sez I, "What would your pasture say to
your ondertakin' such a enterprise? What would be the opinion of
Jonesville?"
"Dum it all," sez he; "David danced before the Ark."
"Wall," sez I, "I hain't seen no ark, and I hain't seen no David." Sez I
reasonably, "I wouldn't object to your seein' David dance if he wuz
here and I wouldn't object to your seein' the Ark."
"Oh, wall, have your own way," sez he, and we wandered into the German
Village.
[Illustration: "Oh, wall, have your own way," sez he, and we
wandered into the German Village.]
The German Village represents housen in the upper Bavarian Mountains.
There are thirty-six different buildin's. Inside the village is a
Country Fair, the German Concert Garden, a Water Tower, and two
Restaurants, Tyrolese dancers, Beer Hall, etc.
In the centre is a 16th century castle, with moat round it, and
palisades.
Josiah wuz all took up with this, and said "how he would love to have a
moat round our house." Sez he, "Jest let some folks that I know try to
git in, wouldn't I jest hist up the drawbridge and drop 'em outside?"
And I sez, "Heaven knows, Josiah, that sech a thing would be convenient
ofttimes, but," sez I, "anxieties and annoyances have a way of swimmin'
moats, you can't keep 'em out."
But he said "that he believed that he and Ury could dig a moat, and rig
up a drawbridge." And to git his mind off on't I hurried him on.
Inside the castle is a dretful war-like-lookin' group of iron men, all
dressed up in full uniform, and there wuz all kinds of weepons and armor
of Germany.
The Town Hall of this village is a museum.
In the village market-place is sold all kinds of German goods. Two bands
of music pipe up, and everybody is a-talkin' German. It made it
considerable lively to look at, but not so edifyin' to us as if we knew
a word they said.
And then come the Street of Cairo, a exact representation of one of the
most picturesque streets in old Cairo, with queer-lookin' kinder square
housen, and some of the winders stood open, through which we got lovely
views of a inner court, with green shrubs, and flowers, and fountains.
On both sides of this street are dance halls, mosques, and shops filled
with manufactures from Arabia and the Soudan. In the Museum are many
curious curiosities from Cairo and Alexandria.
And the street is filled with dogs, and donkeys, and children and
fortune-tellers, and dromedaries, and sedan chairs, with their bearers,
and camels, and birds, and wimmen with long veils on coverin' most of
their faces, jest their eyes a-peerin' out as if they would love to git
acquainted with the strange Eastern world, where wimmen walk with faces
uncovered, and swung out into effort and achievement.
I guess they wuz real good-lookin'. I know that the men with their
turbans and long robes looked quite well, though odd. In the shops wuz
the most beautiful jewelry and precious stuns, and queer-lookin' but
magnificent silk goods, and cotton, and lamps, and leather goods, and
weepons, etc., etc., etc.
Wall, right there, as we wuz a-wanderin' through that street, from the
handsomest of the residences streamed forth a bridal procession. The
bride wuz dressed in gorgeous array of the beautiful fabrics of the
East.
And the bridegroom, with a train of haughty-lookin' Arabs follerin' him,
all swept down the streets towards the Mosque, with music a-soundin'
out, and flowers a-bein' throwed at 'em, and boys a-yellin', and dogs
a-barkin', etc., etc.
I drew my pardner out of the way, for he stood open-mouthed with
admiration a-starin' at the bride, and almost rooted to the spot.
[Illustration: A-starin' at the bride.]
But I drawed him back, and sez I, "If you've got to be killed here,
Josiah Allen, I don't want you killed by a Arab."
And he sez, "I d'no but I'd jest as lieves be killed by a Arab as a
Turkey.
"But," sez he, "you tend to yourself, and I'll tend to myself. I wuz
jest a-studyin' human nater, Samantha."
And that wuz all the thanks I got for rescuin' him.
It wuz jest as interestin' to walk through that village as it would be
to go to Egypt, and more so--for we felt considerable safer right under
Uncle Sam's right arm, as it wuz--for here we wuz way off in Africa,
amongst their minarets and shops, and tents, men, wimmen, and children
in their strange garbs, dancin', playin' music, cookin' and servin'
their food, jest as though they wuz to hum, and we wuz neighborin' with
'em, jest as nateral as we neighbor to hum with Sister Henzy or she that
wuz Submit Tewksbury.
Then there wuz some native Arabs with 'em who wuz a-eatin' scorpions,
and a-luggin' round snakes, and a-cuttin' and piercin' themselves with
wicked-lookin' weepons, and eatin' glass; I wuz glad enough to git out
of there. I hate daggers, and abominate snakes, and always did.
And then I knew what a case Josiah Allen is to imitate and foller
new-fangled idees, and I didn't want my new glass butter dish and cream
pitcher to fall a victim to his experiments.
Wall, next come Algeria and Tunis, and then Tunicks showed jest how they
lived and moved in their own Barbery's state.
Their housen are beautiful, truly Oriental--white, with decorations of
pale green, blue, and vermilion.
One is a theatre that will hold 600 folks.
Then comes the panorama of the big volcano Kilauana.
They couldn't bring the volcano with 'em, as volcanoes can't be histed
round and lifted up on camels, or packed with sawdust, specially when
they're twenty-seven milds acrost.
So they brung this great picter of it. I spoze it is a sight to see it.
But Josiah felt that he couldn't afford to go in and see the sight, and
he sez, "It is only a hole with some fire and ashes comin' out of the
top of it."
I sez ironically, "Some like our leech barrel, hain't it, with a few
cinders on top?"
"Why, yes; sunthin' like that," sez he. "It wouldn't pay to throw away
money on ashes and fire that we can see any day to hum."
I didn't argue with him, for I never took to volcanoes much--I never
loved to git intimate with 'em. But it wuz a sight to behold, so Miss
Plank said--she went in to see it. She said, "It took her breath away
the sight on't, but she's got it back agin (the breath); she talked real
diffuse about it. But to resoom. The Chinese Village wuz jest like
goin' through China or bein' dropped down onbeknown to you into a China
village.
Two hundred Chinamen are here by a special dispensation of Uncle Sam.
And next to China is the Captive Balloon. I had wondered a sight what
that meant.
Josiah thought that somebody had catched a young balloon, and wuz
bringin' it up by hand, but I knew better than that. I knew that
balloons didn't grow indigenious.
And it wuz jest as I'd mistrusted--they had a big balloon here all tied
up ready to start off at a minute's notice.
You jest paid your money, and you could go on a trip up in it through
the blue fields of air. I told Josiah "that it wouldn't be but a few
years before folks would ride round in 'em jest as common as they do in
wagons." Sez I, "Mebby we shall have a couple of our own stanchled up in
our own barn."
"You mean tied up," sez he, and I do spoze I did mean that.
But now to look up at the great deep overhead, and consider the vastness
of space, and consider the smallness of the ropes a-holdin' the balloon
down, I said to myself, "Mebby it wuz jest as well not to tackle the job
of ridin' out in it that day."
Jest as I wuz a-meditatin' this Josiah spoke up, and sez, "I won't pay
out no two dollars apiece to ride in it."
And I sez, "I kinder want to go up in it, and I kinder don't want to."
And he sez, "That is jest like wimmen--whifflin', onstabled,
weak-livered."
Sez I, "I believe you're afraid to go up in it."
"Afraid!" sez he; "I wouldn't be afraid a mite if it broke loose and
sailed off free into space."
"Why don't you try it, then?" I urged. "Wall," he sez, a-lookin' round
as if mebby he could find some excuse a-layin' round on the ground, or
sailin' round in the air, "if I wuz," sez he--"if I had another vest on.
I hain't dressed up exactly as I'd want to be to go a-balloon ridin'.
"And then," sez he, a-brightenin' up, "I don't want to skair you. You'd
most probable be skairt into a fit if it should break loose and start
off independent into space. And it would take away all my enjoyment of
such a pleasure excursion to see you a-layin' on the earth in a fit."
Sez I, "It hain't vests or affection that holds you back, Josiah
Allen--it's fear."
"Fear!" sez he; "I don't know the meanin' of that word only from what
I've read about it in the dictionary. Men don't know what it is to be
afraid, and that is why," sez he, "that I've always been so anxious to
have wimmen keep in her own spear, where men could watch over her,
humble, domestic, grateful.
"Nater plotted it so," sez he; "nater designs the male of creation to
branch out, to venter, to labor, to dare, while the female stays to hum
and tends to her children and the housework." Sez he, "In all the works
of nater the females stay to hum, and the males soar out free.
"It is a sweet and solemn truth," sez he, "and female wimmen ort to lay
it to heart. In these latter days," sez he, "too many females are
a-risin' up, and vainly a-tryin' to kick aginst this great law. But they
can't knock it over," sez he--"the female foot hain't strong enough."
He wuz a-goin' on in this remarkably eloquent way on his congenial
theme, but I kinder drawed him in by remindin' him of Miss Sheldon's
tent we see in the Transportation Buildin'--the one she used in her
lonely journeyin' a-explorin' the Dark Continent. Sez I, "There is a
woman that has kinder branched out."
"Yes," sez he, "but men had to carry her." Sez he, "Samantha, the Lord
designed it that females should stay to hum and tend to their babies,
and wash the dishes. And when you go aginst that idee you are goin'
aginst the everlastin' forces of nater. Nater has always had laws sot
and immovable, and always will have 'em, and a passel of wimmen managers
or lecturers hain't a-goin' to turn 'em round.
"Nater made wimmen and sot 'em apart for domestic duties--some of which
I have enumerated," sez he.
"Whilst the males, from creation down, have been left free to skirmish
round and git a livin' for themselves and the females secreted in the
holy privacy of the hum life."
Jest as he reached this climax we come in front of the Ostrich Farm,
where thirty of the long-legged, humbly creeters are kept, and we hearn
the keeper a-describin' the habits of the ostriches to some folks that
stood round him.
And Josiah, feelin' dretful good-natered and kinder patronizin' towards
wimmen, and thinkin' that he wuz a-goin' to be strengthened in his talk
by what the man wuz a-sayin', sez to me in a dretful, overbearin',
patronizin' way, and some with the air as if he owned a few of the
ostriches, and me, too, he kinder stood up straight and crooked his
forefinger and bagoned to me.
"Samantha," sez he, "draw near and hear these interestin' remarks. I
always love," sez he, "to have females hear about the works of nater.
It has a tendency," sez he, "to keep her in her place."
Sez the man as we drew near, a-goin' on with his remarks--he wuz
addressin' some big man--but we hearn him say, sez he--
"The ostrich lays about a dozen and a half eggs in the layin'
season--one every other day--and then she sets on the eggs about six
hours out of the twenty-four, the male bird takin' her place for
eighteen hours to her six.
"The male bird, as you see, stays to hum and sets on the eggs three
times as long as she duz, and takes the entire care of the young
ostriches, while the female roams round free, as you may say."
I turned round and sez to Josiah, "How interestin' the works of Nater
are, Josiah Allen. How it puts woman in her proper spear, and men, too!"
He looked real meachin' for most a minute, and then a look of madness
and dark revenge come over his liniment. A tall, humbly male bird stood
nigh him, as tall agin most as he wuz.
And as I looked at Josiah he muttered, "I'll learn him--I'll learn the
cussed fool to keep in his own spear."
I laid holt of his vest, and sez I, "What, do you mean, Josiah Allen, by
them dark threats? Tell me instantly," sez I, for I feared the worst.
"Seein' this dum fool is so willin' to take work on him that don't
belong for males to do, I'll give him a job at it. I'll see if I can't
ride some of the consarned foolishness out of him."
Sez I, "Be calm, Josiah; don't throw away your own precious life through
madness and revenge. The ostrich hain't to blame, he's only actin' out
Nater."
"Nater!" sez Josiah scornfully--"Nater for males to stay to hum and set
on eggs, and hatch 'em, and brood young ones? Don't talk to me!"
He wuz almost by the side of himself.
And in spite of my almost frenzied appeals to restrain him, he lanched
upon him.
You could ride 'em by payin' so much, and money seemed to Josiah like so
much water then, so wild with wrath and revenge wuz he.
I see he would go, and I reached my hand up, and sez I, "Dear Josiah,
farewell!"
But he only nodded to me, and I hearn him murmurin' darkly--
"Seein' he's so dum accommodatin' that he's took wimmen's work on him
that they ort to do themselves, I'll give him a pull that will be apt to
teach him his own place."
[Illustration: "I'll give him a pull that will be apt to teach him
his own place."]
And he started off at a fearful rate; round and round that inclosure
they went, Josiah layin' his cane over the sides of the bird, and the
keeper a-yellin' at him that he'd be killed.
And when they come round by us the first time I heard him
a-aposthrofizin' the bird--
"Don't you want to set on some more eggs? don't you want to brood a
spell?" and then he would kick him, and the ostrich would jump, and
leap, and rare round. But the third time he come round I see a change--I
see deadly fear depictered in his mean, and sez he wildly--
"Samantha, save me! save me! I am lost!" sez he.
I wuz now in tears, and I sez wildly--
"I will save that dear man, or perish!" and I wuz jest a-rushin' into
the inclosure when they come a-tearin' round for the fourth time, and
jest a little ways from us the ostrich give a wild yell and leap, and
Josiah wuz thrown almost onto our feet.
As the keeper rushed in to pick him up, we see he held a feather in his
hand.
He thought it wuz tore out by excitement, and Josiah clinched the
feathers to save himself.
But Josiah owned up to me afterwards that he gin up that he wuz a-goin'
to be killed, and that his last thought wuz as he swooned away--wuz how
much ostrich feathers cost, and how sweet it would be to give me a last
gift of dyin' love, by pickin' a feather off for nothin'.
I groaned and sithed when he told me, and sez I, "What won't you do
next, Josiah Allen?"
But this wuz hereafter, and to pick up the thread of my story agin.
Wall, Josiah wuzn't killed, he wuz only stunted, and he soon recovered
his conscientousness.
And before half a hour passed away he wuz a-talkin' as pert as you
please, a-boastin' of how he would tell it in Jonesville. Sez he, "I
wonder what Deacon Henzy will say when I tell him that I rode a bird
while I wuz here?" Sez he, "He never rode a crow or a sparrer."
"Nor you, nuther," sez I; "how could you ride a crow?"
"Wall," sez he, "I've rid a ostrich, and the news will cause great
excitement in Jonesville, and probable up as fur as Zoar and Loontown."
Then come Solomon's Temple. Josiah and I both felt that that wuz a good
scriptural sight, worthy of a deacon and a deaconess, for some say that
that is the proper way to address a deacon's wife.
But come to find out, the Temple wuz inside of a house, and you had to
pay to go in.
And I sez, "Less pay, Josiah Allen, and go in."
And he said that "it wuzn't scriptural. Solomon's Temple in Bible times
never had a house built round it. And he wuzn't a-goin' to encourage
folks to go on and build meetin'-housen inside of other housen.
"Why," sez he, "if that idee is encouraged, they will be for buildin' a
house round the Jonesville meetin'-house, and we will have to pay to go
in."
Sez he, "Less show our colors for the right, Samantha."
The argument wuz a middlin' good one, though I felt that there wuzn't no
danger.
But he went on ahead, and I had to foller on after him, like two old
ducks goin' to water.
I guess that if it had been free he wouldn't have insisted on our
showin' our colors.
Wall, the end of the Plaisance wuz devoted to soldiers, military
displays, and camps and drill grounds.
Quite a spacious place, as big as two city blocks, and it must have been
very interestin' for war-like people to look on and see 'em in their
handsome uniforms, a-marchin', and a-counter-marchin', and a-haltin',
and a-presentin' arms, etc., etc.
And there wuz gardens and orange groves nigh by, too, where you could
see ripe oranges and green ones hangin' to the same trees--dretful
interestin' sight.
Wall, if you would turn back agin and go towards the Fair ground on the
south side, a Hungarian Orpheum is seen first. This is a dance hall,
theatre, and restaurant all combined.
Folks can dance here all the time from mornin' till night, if they want
to, but we didn't want to dance--no, indeed! nor see it; our legs wuz
too wore out, and so wuz our eyes, so we wended on to the Lapland
Village.
The main buildin' in this is a hundred feet long, with a square tower in
the centre.
Above the main entrance is a large paintin' representin' a scene in
Lapland. Inside the inclosure are the huts of a Lapland Village, with
the Laps all there to work at their own work.
What a marvellous change for them! Transported from a country where
there is eight months of total darkness, and four months of twilight or
midnight sun, and so cold that no instrument has ever been invented to
tell how cold it is.
When the frozen seas and ice and snow is all they can see from birth
till death.
I wonder what they think of the change to this dazzlin' daylight, and
the grandeur and bloom of 1893!
But still they seem to weather it out a considerable time in their own
icy home.
King Bull, who is in Chicago, is one hundred and twelve years old, and
is a five great-grandpa.
And most of the five generations of children is with him here. But
marryin' as they do at ten or twelve, they can be grandpa a good many
times in a hundred years, as well as not.
In this village is their housen, their earth huts, their tepees,
orniments, reindeers, dogs, sledges, fur clothin', boats, fishin'
tackle, etc., etc.
As queer a sight as I ever see, and here it wuz agin, my Josiah and me
a-journeyin' way off in Lapland--the idee!
[Illustration: My Josiah and me a-journeyin' way off in Lapland--the
idee!]
The Dahomey Village come next. This shows the homes and customs of that
country where the wimmen do all the fightin'.
I sez to Josiah, "What a curiosity that wuz!"
And he sez, "I d'no about the curiosity on't. It don't seem so to me;
some wimmen fight with their fists," sez he, "and some with their
tongues."
That wuz his mean, onderhanded way of talkin'.
But these wimmen are about as humbly as they make wimmen anywhere.
And as for clothes, they are about as poor on't for 'em as anybody I see
to the Fair. They had on jest as few as they could.
They say their war dances is a sight to see. But I didn't let Josiah
look on any dancin' or anything of the kind that I could help. I did not
forget what I mistrusted he sometimes lost sight on, when he's on
towers--that he wuz a deacon and a grandpa.
He acted kinder longin' to the last. He said "he spozed it wuz a sight
to see 'em dance and beat their tom-toms."
And I sez, "I don't want to see no children beat; and," sez I, "what did
Tom do to deserve beatin'?"
Sez he, "I meant their drums, and the stuns they roll round in their
husky skin bags, and cymbals," sez he.
"Then," sez I, "why didn't you say so?"
Sez he, "I spoze to see them humbly creeters with rings in their noses,
a-dancin' and contortin' their bodies, and twistin' 'em round, is a
sight. And I spoze the noises is as deafenin' as it would be for all the
Jonesville meetin'-house to knock all the tin pans and bilers they could
git holt of together, and yell.
"And they don't wear nothin' but some feathers," sez he.
"Wall," sez I, "I don't want to see no sech sight, and I don't want you
to."
And dretful visions, as I said it, rolled through my mind of the awful
day it would be for Jonesville, if Josiah Allen should carry home any
such wild idees, and git the other old Jonesvillians stirred up in it.
To see him, and Deacon Henzy, and Deacon Bobbet, and the rest dressed up
in a few feathers a-jumpin' round, and a-beatin' tin-pans, and
a-contortin' their old frames, would, I thought, be the finishin' touch
to me. I had stood lots of his experimentin' and branchin's out into new
idees, but I felt that I could not brook this, so I would not heed his
desire to stop. I made him move onwards.
And then come Austria. There is thirty-six buildin's here, and they show
Austrian life and costumes in every particular.
Then come the Police Station, and Fire Department, and then a French
Cider Press; but I didn't care nothin' about seein' that--cider duz more
hurt than whiskey enough sight, American or French, and it wuzn't any
treat to me to see it made, or drunk up, nor the effects on it nuther.
Then there wuz a large French Restaurant, one of the best-built
structures on the ground.
Then come right along St. Peter's, jest as it is in this world, saints
a-follerin' sinners.
It is the exact model of the Church of St. Peter's at Rome.
I would go in to see that, and Josiah consented after a parley.
It is the exact model down to the most minute details of that most
wonderful glory of art. It is about thirty feet long, and about three
times as high as Josiah, and it is a sight to remember; it is perfectly
beautiful.
In this buildin' where the model is seen is some portraits of the
different Popes, and besides these large models is some smaller ones of
the beautiful Cathedral of Milan, the Piambino Palace, the Pantheon, and
a statute of St. Peter himself.
Good old creeter, how I've always liked him, and thought on him!
But Josiah hurried me almost beyend my strength on the way out, for the
Ferris Wheel wuz indeed nigh to us, and I forgive Josiah for his ardor
when I see it.
[Illustration: The Ferris Wheel wuz indeed nigh to us, and I forgive
Josiah for his ardor when I see it.]
If there wuz nothin' else to the World's Fair but jest that wheel, it
would pay well to go clear from Jonesville to Chicago to see it. It
stands up aginst the sky like a huge spider-web. It is two hundred and
fifty feet in diameter--jest one wheel; think of that! As wide as twenty
full-sized city houses--the idee! And there are thirty-six cars hitched
to it, and sixty persons can ride in each car. So you can figger it out
jest how much that huge spider-web catches when it gits in motion. Wall,
my feelin's when I wuz a-bein' histed up through the air wuz about half
and half--half sublimity and orr as I looked out on the hull glory of
the world spread at my feet, and Lake Michigan, and everything--
That part wuz clear riz up and noble, and then the other half wuz a
skittish feelin' and a-wonderin' whether the tacklin' would give way,
and we should descend with a smash.
But the fifty-nine other people in the car with me didn't seem to be
afraid, and I thought of the thirty-five other cars, all full, and
a-swingin' up in the air with me; and the thought revived me some, and I
managed to maintain my dignity and composure.
Josiah acted real highlarious, and he wanted to swing round time and
agin; he said "he would give a cent to keep a-goin' all day long."
But I frowned on the idee, and I hurried him off by the model of the
Eiffel Tower into Persia.
There it wuz agin, my pardner and I a-travellin' in Persia--the very
same Persia that our old Olney's gography had told us about years and
years ago--a-visitin' it our own selves.
I see the bazaars and booths all filled with the costliest laces, and
rugs, and embroideries, and the Persians themselves a-sellin' 'em.
But Josiah hurried me along at a fearful rate, for I had got my eye onto
some lace that I wanted.
I did not want to be extravagant, but I did want some of that lace; I
thought how it would set off that night-cap.
But he said "that Jonesville lace wuz good enough if I had got to have
any; but," sez he, "I don't wear lace on my night-cap."
"No," sez I; "how lace would look on a red woollen night-cap!"
"Wall," sez he, "why don't you wear red woollen ones?"
Sez I, "Josiah, you're not a woman."
"No," sez he; "you wouldn't catch a man goin' to Persia for trimmin' for
a night-cap."
His axents jarred onto me, and mechanically I follered him into the
Moorish Palace.
One reason why I follered him so meekly and willin'ly, I didn't know but
he would broach the subject of seein' them Persian wimmen dance.
And I felt that I would ruther give a hull churnin' of fall's butter
than to have his moral old mind contaminated with the sight.
For they do say, them who have seen the sight, that "them Persian
dancin' girls carry dancin' clear to the very verge of ondecency, and
drop way off over the verge."
I see lots of wimmen comin' out with their fan held before their
blushin' faces.
They say that wimmen fairly enjoy a-goin' in there to be horrified.
They go day after day, they say, so to come out all horrified up, and
their faces bathed in blushes.
The men didn't come out at all, so they said.
Wall, Josiah Allen didn't git in--no, indeed. I remembered the
Jonesville meetin'-house, our pasture, and the grandchildren, and kept
'em before him all the time, so I tided him over that crisis.
Now, I never had paid any attention to the Moors, and Josiah hadn't; we
never had had any to neighbor with, and I felt that I wuzn't acquainted
with 'em at all, unless of course I had a sort of bowin' acquaintance,
as it wuz, with that one old Moor in my Olney's gography in my
school-days.
And what I'd seen of him didn't seem to make me hanker after any further
acquaintance with him.
But when I see that Palace of theirn I felt overwhelmed with shame and
regret to think I'd always slighted 'em so, and never had made any
overtoors towards becomin' intimate with 'em.
The outside on't wuz splendid enough to almost take your breath, with
its strange and gorgeous magnificence. It wuz sech a contrast in its
construction to the Exposition Buildin's that lift their domes in such
glory on the East.
But if the outside struck a blow onto our admiration and astonishment,
what--what shall I say of the inside?
Why, as I entered that magnificent arched vestibule, with my faithful
pardner by my side, and my good cotton umbrell grasped in my right hand,
the view wuz pretty nigh overwhelmin' in its profusion of orniment and
gorgeous decoration.
That first look seemed to take me back to Spain right out of Chicago,
and other troubles. I wuz a-roamin' there with Mr. Washington Irving,
and Mr. Bancroft, and other congenial and descriptive minds, and
surrounded with the gorgeous picters of that old time.
I wuz back, I should presoom to say, as much, if not more, than four
hundred years, when all to once I was recalled by my companion.
"Dum it, I didn't know they charged folks for goin' to meetin'!"
"Hush!" sez I; "this is not a meetin'-house, this is a palace; be calm!"
And comin' down through the centuries as sudden as if jerked by a
electric lasso of lightnin', I see that old familiar sight of a man
a-settin' a-sellin' tickets.
And Josiah with a deep sithe paid our fares, and we meandered onwards.
Right beyend the ticket man, to the right on him, wuz a colonnade
runnin' round a circular room covered with a ruff in the shape of a
tent. The ceilin' and walls are covered with landscape views of Southern
Spain, and a mandolin orchestra carried out the idee of a Andulusian
Garden.
And then comes a labyrinth of columns and mirrors, and through 'em and
round 'em and up overhead wuz splendor on splendor of orniment,
gorgeousness on gorgeousness.
These columns are made to put one in mind of the Alhambria, where we so
often strayed with our friend Washington Irving.
[Illustration: Josiah paid our fares.]
And oh, what curious feelin's it did make me have to cast my eyes
onwards amongst these splendid arches and pillows, and see anon or
oftener a tall Moor, with his long robe and his white turban, or
whatever they call it, a-fallin' round his face!
And then another and another of the white-robed figgers, a-glidin' round
in amongst the arches, or a-settin' there in a vista of gorgeousness,
like ghosts of the past come to visit the Columbus Fair.
Way beyend the labyrinths, and to the left on't, is the Palm Garden,
with lounging places for three or four hundred visitors, and a Moorish
orchestra hid by a cluster of branchin' palms, and Arab attendants in
native costumes.
And then there wuz grottoes and fountains lit by electric lights, and
groups of statuary illustratin' famous historical seens.
And right here, while the past wuz a-pressin' so clost to us, that we
wuz almost took back there in the body--our minds wuz there, way, way
back--
When sudden, swift, wuz we brung back from the past--brung back to
conscientousness, as it were, by two forms and two voices.
Here of all places in the world, in the heart of a Moorish palace, did
my eyes fall upon the faces of Bizer Dagget, and Selinda, his wife.
And I sez, as my eyes fell from the contemplation of art-decked freeze
and fretted archways onto the old familar freckled face, and green
alpaca dress, and Bizer's meek sandy whiskers, and pepper-and-salt
suit--
Sez I, "Whyee, Selinda and Bizer, is it you? How do you do? When did you
git here? You didn't lay out to come when we started."
"No," sez Selinda; "you know jest how it wuz, you know we had his folks
to take care on, and Father Dagget wuz so helpless that we had to lift
him round. And we shouldn't been able to git here at all, only Father
had a severe fall out o' bed one night in the dead of night. He wuz all
alone, and skairt--so we spoze--and that fall took him off on the second
day.
"And as quick as we could git ready we sot off here.
[Illustration: "Whyee! Selinda and Bizer, is it you?"]
"It didn't seem really right, but you know Father hain't known anything
for upwards of two years, and you know jest how bad we did want to come
here.
"But I don't know as it wuz exactly right to come off so soon after he
fell. I spoze it will make talk, I spoze his folks will talk, and the
Jonesvillians."
"But," I sez, for I wanted to comfort her--she's a good creeter--
Sez I, "Columbus had to wait before he sot out to discover us, till
Grenada fell, and that made talk." Sez I, "Probable Columbuses folks
talked as much as Bizer's folks will. But," sez I, "it wuz all for the
best.
"And," sez I, "your Father Dagget wuz a good creeter before he lost his
mind."
"Yes," sez she, "but for upwards of two years he's tried to put his
pantaloons on over his head, and he'd put his arms in his boots every
time if we'd let him, thinkin' it wuz a vest."
"Wall," sez I, "you've did well by him, Selinda, and now if I wuz in
your and Bizer's place, I'd try to look round all I could and git my
mind off, and see everything I could see."
Sez she with a deep sithe, "There hain't no trouble about that; there is
enough to see." Sez she, "It seems as though I had seen enough every
five minutes sence I come, if it wuz spread out even and smooth, to
cover a hull lifetime, and cover it thick, too," sez she.
"And," sez I, warmly and candidly, "Heaven knows that is true--true as
gospel."
And then Selinda and Bizer, and Josiah and me walked on into other parts
of the buildin', and there we see a small-lookin' model of the Santa
Maria, the Admiral's flag-ship, manned by men with the same clothes on
as wuz wore by Columbuses mariners. That filled me with large emotions,
and Selinda felt it too.
And it wuz here that Josiah nudged me, and sez he, "You've always
throwed it into my face that men don't think so much of each other as
wimmen do; and now," sez he, "look at them two men--I've watched 'em as
long as ten minutes--a-holdin' each other's hands."
And sure enough, I turned, and I see two good-lookin' men a-holdin' each
other by the hand as if they loved each other fondly--
As if they couldn't bear to leggo. They wuz first-rate lookin' men, too,
and you could see plain by their liniments how much store they sot by
each other.
Wall, Josiah and I wended off and looked at the wax figgers of Lincoln,
and the death of Marie Antoinette, and lots of other interestin' wax
statutes; and when we come back, there stood them two men still
a-holdin' each other by the hand; and Josiah whispered agin, "How they
love each other! no gabblin' and gushin', like wimmen, but jest silent,
clost, deep love."
"But," I sez, "I believe there is sunthin' wrong about 'em. It hain't
nateral for men to stand still so long holt of hands. I believe they're
in a fit or sunthin'."
"A fit!" sez he. "I spoze a woman would have a fit if she had to keep
still a minute with another woman in gunshot of her.
"But to satisfy you," sez he, "I'll see."
So he accosted 'em, and sez he, "I will ask the way to Noah's Ark." So
he advanced with a polite air, and sez he, "Could either one of you two
gentlemen tell me where Noah's Ark is situated?" Sez he, "Bizer is
anxious to see it."
They didn't move or stir, and Josiah agin sez, "Do you know where Noah's
Ark is?" and he laid his hand on the arm of one of the men who stood
near him.
A Columbian Guard who stood near sez, "Keep your hand offen the wax
figger!"
Josiah wuz mortified most to death. He'd wanted to show off the equality
of his sect, and to have man's love and fidelity proved to be but wax
wuz harrowin'.
But he didn't stay mortified more'n a minute and a half on sech a
business.
And the Guard told us where Noah's Ark wuz.
And Bizer and Josiah wuz all carried away with it. This wuz in the
children's room, and all the animals are reproduced life size, every one
of 'em two and two, jest as they enter the Ark.
We couldn't hardly tear our two pardners away, Selinda and I couldn't.
Josiah said, "It wuz so beautiful and interestin'," and so Bizer said.
But I believe what made them men cling to it so for sech a length of
time, they hearn us talk about how we wanted to go into the Bazaar,
where there wuz lots of things to sell.
But finally they see they couldn't hold us back no longer, so we went
through that gorgeous place, all full of bronzes, rugs, vases, pipes,
and etcetry.
We didn't stay long here, though, for Bizer and Josiah said that the air
wuz that bad they wuz chokin', and that they couldn't stan' it.
And Selinda and I a-feelin' that chokin' a pardner wuz the last thing we
wanted to undertake, we went through it at a pretty good jog, and anon
we found ourselves in Turkey; and here I found the Turkeys had done
first-rate.
Why, one piece of their hand-wrought lace wuz worth hundreds of
thousands of dollars. While I wuz a-admirin' of it, Josiah whispered
firmly--
"Don't go to thinkin' of that old night-cap in sech a time as this."
And I whispered back, "I hain't no more idee on't than you have of
buyin' that old tent to take down to the lake with you a-fishin'."
That very old battle-tent wuz all hand work, embroidered in gold and
silver and silk in nateral figgers, and they said it wuz worth five
millions of dollars--
And a silver bedstead the Sultan is a-goin' to give to his daughter as
a part of her settin' out when she marries wuz worth four hundred and
fifty thousand dollars.
You can from this form some idee of the value of the other enormous
exhibits.
And the most beautiful horses you ever see, right from the Sultan's
stable, wuz a-prancin' round. And one hundred Beoudins with camels and
dromedaries added to the picteresqueness of the seen.
And then we see Cleopatri's needle, that tall column a-risin' up to the
sky, all covered with writin' worse than mine, and that's a-sayin' a
good deal. I couldn't read a word on't, nor Josiah couldn't.
And to the back of the Grand Bazaar wuz leven cottages, where male and
female Turkeys wuz workin' at their different trades, showin' jest how
rugs, and carpets, and embroideries, and brass work is made.
As I said to Selinda, "Would you believed it possible, Selinda, if we'd
been told on't a dozen years ago that you and I should be a-travellin'
in Turkey to-day?"
And she said, "No, indeed; she had never imagined that she should ever
visit sech foreign shores."
Yes, we felt considerable riz up to think that we wuz engaged in foreign
travel, but not hauty. No, we are both on us well-principled, and don't
believe in puttin' on airs.
Wall, we stayed here a good while, and Josiah thought he'd eat sunthin'
here, too. If he'd had his way, he would had a good square meal in every
foreign country, and native one, too. That man's appetite is wonderful.
Foreign countries can't quell it down, nor rumatiz, nor nothin'.
Hakenbeck's animal show comes next, and it is the most complete--so they
say--that wuz ever exhibited.
The tent is two hundred feet square, and is filled with all the animals
that ever went into the Ark, and more, too, I believe. Five thousand
people can go in here at one time, and set down, and see lions a-ridin'
on horseback, with a woman to run the performance, and see animals
a-doin' everything else that ever wuz done by 'em, and tigers, and
elephants, and performin' horses, and two hundred monkeys, and one
thousand parrots.
We didn't go in, but Josiah slipped in one day when I wuzn't with him,
and he described it to me. He owned up to me that he had.
And he said he did it to keep me from havin' sech a skair.
"Why," sez he, "a woman that is afraid of a gobbler, and runs from a
snake--
"Why," sez he, "I wouldn't as a man of feelin' take her right in the way
of havin' her feelin's hurt and skairin' her most to death for nothin'
this world could give."
And I said--and I meant it--"If it hadn't been for the fifty cents I
guess you wouldn't felt so, Josiah Allen."
But he stuck to it that it wuz pure affection and principle. I d'no what
to think about it, but I have my suspicions.
Wall, at the next place Josiah could not be restrained. It wuz the good
old-fashioned New England house with gable ends, and here a good New
England dinner wuz served.
And sez Josiah, "I don't leave this house till I have a good square
meal."
Bizer felt jest so, and so Selinda and I jined 'em in a meal most as
good as she and I got up to hum, and that is sayin' a great deal.
Josiah's satisfaction in eatin' that pork and beans, and them doughnuts,
wuz a sight to witness.
Bizer called for cold biled vittles, and sure enough, they brung 'em on.
And the enjoyment of them two men wuz extreme. Selinda and I took
comfort in some old-fashioned pound-cake and custard pie.
Selinda said she'd love to have the receipt of that pound-cake.
Selinda is a good plain cook. She can't cook like me, of course, but she
duz well.
Wall, their extra good meal had sot up Josiah and Bizer to a wonderful
extent (they had drunk coffee too strong for 'em by half, and I knew
it), and them two men wanted to go back into the Cairo Street. Bizer and
Selinda had never seen it, and all the way there Josiah seemed to be on
the lookout to do sunthin' heroic and surprisin' to Bizer.
And jest after we got there, we did see as strange a sight as I ever
see. It wuz a Eastern Fakir, as they called him. He wuz performin' one
of his strange sights right there before our face and eyes.
A big crowd wuz gathered round him of human bein's in all strange
costumes, and camels and their drivers, and dromedaries, and donkeys,
and everything else under the sun. But this man stood calm under the
sights and ear-piercin' yells and jabbers.
And in some way, I d'no how, nor Josiah don't, he wuz a-holdin' another
Japan or Turkey--anyway, one of them foreign men--suspended right up in
the air.
I see it, and Josiah see it, and Bizerses folks. Eight eyes from
Jonesville looked at it, to say nothin' of the assembled crowd.
He wuzn't restin' on nothin' at all, so fur as we could see. What
material wrought out of the Occult World wuz piled up under him I d'no.
There might have been a sofa and two cushions wrought out of another
fabric different from what we know anything about, and that don't make
any show aginst the summer sky.
And then, agin, it might be that Josiah wuz right.
He sez, "It's easy enough to do that. He casts a mist before our eyes,
and we have to see jest what he wanted us to."
"Wall," sez I, "if I had to do one of 'em to entertain the Missionary
Society at Jonesville, I d'no but I had jest as soon hist Submit
Tewksbury up in the air, and suspend her there in our parlor, as to cast
mists before the eyes of the Jonesvillians and make 'em see her there
when she wuz a-settin' on the sofa. Either one on 'em is queer--queer as
a dog."
"Wall," sez he, "you don't want to go into any sech a job. You'll kill
Submit, anyway, experimentin' on her."
And I sez, "You needn't worry; I hain't a-goin' to try to branch out
into no sech doin's." Sez I, "I wuz usin' Submit as a metafor."
Wall, the Fakir after a while asked the queer-lookin' crowd gathered
round him for money to try more experiments with.
And wantin' to branch out and outdo Bizer, and make himself a hero,
Josiah planked out a five-dollar bill.
And then the man asked Josiah to look in his hat, and there inside the
band he found the money, or so it seemed.
And then he told me to look in my pocket, and there wuz five silver
dollars to all appearance.
I felt real well about it, and wuz about to put 'em into my portmoney,
thinkin' that they wuz my lawful prey, seein' they had fell onto me
through my pardner's weakness, when lo and behold! they wuzn't there.
I felt real stunted, and kinder sot back.
"Slight of hand," sez Josiah to me and Bizer. "Don't be afraid, I'll
make it all right." And he reached out his hand to git the money back.
The man handed the money back, or so we spozed, and vanished in the
crowd.
And Josiah, when he went to look in his hand, found some pink and white
paper. He hollered round and acted for quite a spell, but the man wuz
gone for good, and Josiah's money with him. Wall, Josiah wuz almost
broken-hearted over the loss of his money; he felt awful browbeat and
smut, and acted so.
And then it wuz Bizer's time to show off and act. Nothin' to do but
what Selinda had got to ride a camel.
She hung back and acted 'fraid. She hain't a bit well, for all she is so
fat. She has real dizzy spells sometimes, and is that cowardly that
she'd be 'fraid to ride a cow, let alone one of them tall, humbly
monsters. But nothin' to do but what Bizer would have his way.
He did it jest to go ahead of us, and I knew it, for I put my foot right
down in the first on't.
Josiah would a paid out the money willin'ly ruther than had Bizer go
ahead of him.
Bizer said he wanted to give Selinda all the enjoyment he could while on
her tower, she had been shet up so much, and hadn't had the pleasures
she ort to had.
I knew his motives and Selinda's feelin's, but couldn't break it up, for
Selinda had always follered Elder Minkley's orders strict, that he gin
her at the altar--
"Wives, obey your husbands."
She didn't rebel outward, but she whispered to me in pitiful axents--
"I hate to ride that creeter--oh, how I hate to! But you know my
principles," sez she; "you know I always said that wives ort to obey
their pardners."
And I sez, "When pardners and common sense conflict, I foller common
sense every time. Howsumever," sez I, "if you want to air them
principles of yourn, you won't be apt to find a more lofty place to
exhibit 'em."
And I glanced up the gray precipitous sides of that camel, and she
looked up 'em, too, with fear and tremblin', but begun to gird her
lions, figgeratively speakin', to obey Bizer and embark.
She has always boasted to me and the other neighborin' wimmen that she
has never disobeyed her husband once; and I sez to her cheerfully,
"Wall, I have, and expect to agin, if the Lord spares my life."
And so Miss Bobbet told her, and Miss Gowdy, and Miss Peedick, and all
the rest. She acted so high-headed about it, that we said it some to
take down her pride, and some on principle.
We believed there wuz reason in all things, and none of us wimmen felt
that we would stand
"On a burnin' deck,
Whence all but we had fled,"
and burn up, even if our pardners had ordered us to. We wuz law-abidin',
every one on us, but we felt there wuz times where law ended and common
sense begun.
But Selinda argued, I well remember, that if Bizer had ordered her to
stay on that deck, she should stay and be sot fire to.
And she praised up little Casey Bianky warmly, while we thought and said
that Casey acted like a fool, and felt that Mr. Bianky would much ruther
had him run and save himself than to burn up; anyway, old Miss Bianky
would, and I believe his pa would.
Men are good-hearted creeters the biggest heft of the time, but failable
in judgment sometimes, jest like female wimmen.
But Selinda wuz firm in her belief.
And here this day in Chicago she gin one of the most remarkable proofs
of it ever seen in this country.
So while Selinda trembled like a popple leaf, and her false teeth
rattled over her dry tongue (besides the camel, she wuz 'fraid as death
of the Turkey that driv it, and he did look fierce), the camel knelt
down, and the almost swoonin' Selinda was histed up onto his back by the
proud and haughty Bizer, and the strange-lookin' Turkey.
She had no more than got seated when the driver give a skairful yell,
and the camel give a fearful lunge, and straightened up on its feet, and
Selinda's bunnet fell back onto her neck, and lay there through the hull
of the enterprise, and her gray hair floated back onchecked, for she
dassent let her hands go a minit to fix it.
It wuz a mournin' bunnet and veil, but black gittin' soiled so easy, she
had put on a bright green alpaca dress she had, thinkin' that she
wouldn't see nobody she knew; and she wore some old yeller mitts for the
same reason, and some low, shabby-lookin' shoes, and some white
stockin's.
And her weight bein' two hundred and forty, she showed off vivid aginst
the settin' sun.
Selinda is a meek woman and obedient, but she cries easy. You have got
to take good traits and bad ones in folks. She can't help it. She always
cries in class meetin', or anywhere--has cried time and agin a-tellin'
how she would be trompled on and lay down and have her head chopped off
if Bizer told her to.
And of course it couldn't be expected she would go through this fearful
experience without sheddin' tears. No; before she had been up there two
minits she begun to cry.
[Illustration: Before she had been up there two minits she begun to
cry.]
She always makes up pitiful faces when she weeps. It has been talked on
a sight in Jonesville, some sayin' she might help it, and some
contendin' that she couldn't; but she skairs children frequent.
But now she dassent leggo a minit to git her handkerchief, so she rode
along weepin' silently, and a fearful sight for men or angels, but
truly a cryin' monument of wifely devotion.
As she moved off, I could see at the first strain her dress waist, bein'
one of the short round ones with a belt, had bust asunder, leavin' a
white waist of cotton flannel between 'em, which seemed to be a-growin'
wider and wider all the time. (She wears cotton flannel for her health.)
As I see this, and not knowin' what would ensue and take place in her
clothin', I cast onto the wind my own fears, and the shrinkin' timidity
of my sect, and graspin' my umbrell in my hand, I run along by the side
of the lofty quadreped, a-tryin' to reach up and fix her a little.
But I could not; her position wuz too lofty, the mount wuz too
precipitous on which she sot.
She see me, but she didn't stop her cryin', and the faces she wuz
a-makin' wuz pitiful in the extreme, and skairful to anybody that hadn't
seen 'em so much as I had. She wuz half bent, which made her
cotton-flannel infirmity harder to witness.
The camel wuz a-swayin' fearful from side to side, and a-lurchin'
forwards and a lurchin' backwards at a dangerous rate.
Oh, how dizzy-headed Selinda must have been! How skairt and how dretful
her feelin's wuz!
Sez I, "Dismount to once, Selinda Dagget."
"No," sez she; "Bizer has placed me here, and here I will stay."
"You don't know whether you will or not," sez I. "I believe you are
a-fallin' off; and," sez I, "I'm 'fraid you'll git killed, Selinda; do
git down!"
"I fear it too," sez she, and she looked down on me with agony in her
mean, and sez she--
"Good-bye, Sister Allen; if we don't meet agin, we both believe in a
better country."
I wuz all carried away by my emotions, or wouldn't spoke out so; but I
sez--
"This country is all right enough, if folks didn't act like fools in
it." Sez I, "Do you git down and pull down your bask, and wipe your nose
and eyes; you look like fury, Selinda Dagget."
"No," sez she; "Bizer wanted me to ride, and I shall die a-pleasin' him.
I took vows of obedience onto me at the altar, and if I die here, Sister
Allen, tell the female sistern at Jonesville that I died a-keepin' them
vows."
Sez I, "I'll tell 'em you died a nateral fool;" and sez I agin, "Git
down offen that camel, Selinda Dagget, before you fall off."
And I kep clost by her, and kinder poked at her with my umbrell, to let
her know I hadn't deserted her, and havin' a blind idee that I could
hold her up with it if the worst come.
Where wuz Bizer durin' this fearful seen? while I wuz a-showin' plain
the deathless devotion to my sect--to another one in distress.
He wuz all took up with his own feelin's of pride and show.
He wuz a-ridin' a donkey, and it wuz a-backin' up and a-actin', and took
every mite of his strength and firmness to keep on.
He had a tall white hat with a mournin' weed on't, and a long linen
duster, and the wind blowed this out some like a balloon.
He looked queer; but as soon as he stiddied himself on't he tried his
best to reach the side of Selinda--I'll say that for him. But the donkey
wuz obstinate, and kep a-backin' up, and Bizer, bein' his legs dragged,
kinder walked along with the donkey under him. Occasionally he would set
down for a spell, but the most of his journey wuz done a-walkin' afoot.
And the crowd see it and cheered.
It wuz hard on Bizer. Nothin' but pride and ambition led him into the
undertakin', or kep him up through it.
As for me, I lost all patience, and my breath, too, and went back to my
pardner.
And anon or about that time they made their rounds, and come back where
Josiah and I stood.
I reached up a handkerchief to Selinda as quick as I could, but she
couldn't wipe her eyes or tend to her nose until she dismounted, or fix
the gapin' kasum at the back of her waist.
She greeted me warmly the minit her feet touched terry firmy, as one
might who had come out of great peril. She's a good-hearted creeter.
And between us both, with some pins I took out of my huzzy I always
carry with me, we fixed her up agin.
And if you'll believe it, the very minit I got her pinned up she begun
to act high-headed and to boast of how much principle she'd shown.
And I said, "You've shown more'n principle, Selinda; you've showed
cotton flannel that you had ort to have kep to yourself. You have made a
panorama that can't be described."
"Yes," sez she; "it will be sunthin' to tell on all my life."
She took it as a compliment. Oh dear me suz!
Bizer had scraped the patent leather all offen the toes of his shoes,
and had squandered three dollars in money, but he felt good. Yes, they
both said what a excitement this adventure would make in Jonesville when
they told on't.
And I thought to myself, if the Jonesvillians could see jest how she
looked, and he too, it would be apt to make a excitement.
How many times did I digest this great truth while on my tower! How
little we know sometimes what a appearance we are a-makin' before men
and angels, when we think we are a-doin' sunthin' wonderful!
Wall, Josiah wuz all took aback; he couldn't seem to bear Bizer's
patronizin' ways so well as I could Selinda's. Truly, females learn the
lesson well to suffer and be calm.
But he acted kinder surly, and proposed that we should go hum; and bein'
tired as a dog, I gin a willin' consent, and Bizer and Selinda parted
from us, their way layin' different from ourn.
Wall, that night, after we got back to Miss Plankses, I felt all kind o'
shook up in sperit, and considerable as I do when I've eat too hearty,
and of too many kinds of food.
You know, you mustn't swaller a big meal too quick, or eat too many
kinds of food when you're tired, or it won't set right on your stomach.
I felt real dyspeptic in my mind that night, and I felt that I had
wandered out of the sweet, level paths of Moderation and Megumness that
I love to wander in.
But I am a eppisodin', and to resoom.
It seemed as if the bed never felt so good to me as it did that night;
and the pillers never felt so soft, and quiet, and comfortable. And
with a deep sithe of content I went out at once into the Land of Sleep,
and bein' too tired to
"tread its windin' ways
Beyend the reach of busy feet,"
I sunk down under the shade of a branchin' Poppy Tree, and laid there
becalmed and peaceful till Miss Plankses risin' bell rung--way up the
stairway, up into my bedroom--and echoed over into the Land, shook the
drowsy boughs over my head, and waked me up.
And then, tired as I wuz the night before, I felt considerable chipper.