“And it shall come to pass ... that I will pour out my Spirit
upon all flesh; and your sons, and your _daughters_ shall
prophecy.”—_Joel_ ii. 28.
I was born February 11th, 1783, at Cape May, State of New Jersey. At the
age of seven years I was parted from my parents, and went to live as a
servant maid, with a Mr. Sharp, at the distance of about sixty miles from
the place of my birth.
My parents being wholly ignorant of the knowledge of God, had not
therefore instructed me in any degree in this great matter. Not long
after the commencement of my attendance on this lady, she had bid me do
something respecting my work, which in a little while after she asked me
if I had done, when I replied, Yes—but this was not true.
At this awful point, in my early history, the Spirit of God moved in
power through my Conscience, and told me I was a wretched sinner. On this
account so great was the impression, and so strong were the feelings of
guilt, that I promised in my heart that I would not tell another lie.
But notwithstanding this promise my heart grew harder, after a while,
yet the Spirit of the Lord never entirely forsook me, but continued
mercifully striving with me, until his gracious power converted my soul.
The manner of this great accomplishment, was as follows: In the year
1804, it so happened that I went with others to hear a missionary of the
Presbyterian order preach. It was an afternoon meeting, but few were
there, the place was a school room; but the preacher was solemn, and in
his countenance the earnestness of his master’s business appeared equally
strong, as though he were about to speak to a multitude.
At the reading of the Psalms, a ray of renewed conviction darted into my
soul. These were the words, composing the first verse of the Psalms for
the service:
“Lord, I am vile, conceived in sin,
Born unholy and unclean.
Sprung from man, whose guilty fall
Corrupts the race, and taints us all.”
This description of my condition struck me to the heart, and made me to
feel in some measure, the weight of my sins, and sinful nature. But not
knowing how to run immediately to the Lord for help, I was driven of
Satan, in the course of a few days, and tempted to destroy myself.
There was a brook about a quarter of a mile from the house, in which
there was a deep hole, where the water whirled about among the rocks; to
this place it was suggested, I must go and drown myself.
At the time I had a book in my hand; it was on a Sabbath morning, about
ten o’clock; to this place I resorted, where on coming to the water I
sat down on the bank, and on my looking into it, it was suggested that
drowning would be an easy death. It seemed as if some one was speaking
to me, saying put your head under, it will not distress you. But by some
means, of which I can give no account, my thoughts were taken entirely
from this purpose, when I went from the place to the house again. It was
the unseen arm of God which saved me from self-murder.
But notwithstanding this escape from death, my mind was not at rest—but
so great was the labor of my spirit and the fearful oppressions of a
judgment to come, that I was reduced as one extremely ill, on which
account a physician was called to attend me, from which illness I
recovered in about three months.
But as yet I had not found Him of whom Moses and the prophets did write,
being extremely ignorant: there being no one to instruct me in the way
of life and salvation as yet. After my recovery, I left the lady, who,
during my sickness, was exceedingly kind, and went to Philadelphia. From
this place I soon went a few miles into the country, where I resided in
the family of a Roman Catholic. But my anxiety still continued respecting
my poor soul, on which account I used to watch my opportunity to read in
the Bible; and this lady observing this, took the Bible from me and hid
it, giving me a novel in its stead—which when I perceived, I refused to
read.
Soon after this I again went to the city of Philadelphia, and commenced
going to the English Church, the pastor of which was an Englishman, by
the name of Pilmore, one of the number who at first preached Methodism in
America, in the city of New York.
But while sitting under the ministration of this man, which was about
three months, and at the last time, it appeared that there was a wall
between me and a communion with that people, which was higher than I
could possibly see over, and seemed to make this impression upon my mind,
_this is not the people for you_.
But on returning home at noon I inquired of the head cook of the house
respecting the rules of the Methodists, as I knew she belonged to that
society, who told me what they were; on which account I replied,
that I should not be able to abide by such strict rules not even one
year—however, I told her that I would go with her and hear what they had
to say.
The man who was to speak in the afternoon of that day, was the Rev.
Richard Allen, since bishop of the African Episcopal Methodists in
America. During the labors of this man that afternoon, I had come to the
conclusion, that this is the people to which my heart unites, and it so
happened, that as soon as the service closed he invited such as felt a
desire to flee the wrath to come, to unite on trial with them—I embraced
the opportunity. Three weeks from that day, my soul was gloriously
converted to God, under preaching, at the very outset of the sermon. The
text was barely pronounced, which was “I perceive thy heart is not right
in the sight of God,” when there appeared to _my_ view, in the centre
of the heart, _one_ sin; and this was _malice_ against one particular
individual, who had strove deeply to injure me, which I resented. At
this discovery I said, _Lord_ I forgive _every_ creature. That instant,
it appeared to me as if a garment, which had entirely enveloped my whole
person, even to my fingers’ ends, split at the crown of my head, and was
stripped away from me, passing like a shadow from my sight—when the glory
of God seemed to cover me in its stead.
That moment, though hundreds were present, I did leap to my feet and
declare that God, for Christ’s sake, had pardoned the sins of my soul.
Great was the ecstacy of my mind, for I felt that not only the sin of
_malice_ was pardoned, but all other sins were swept away together. That
day was the first when my heart had believed, and my tongue had made
confession unto salvation—the first words uttered, a part of that song,
which shall fill eternity with its sound, was _glory to God_. For a few
moments I had power to exhort sinners, and to tell of the wonders and of
the goodness of Him who had clothed me with _His_ salvation. During this
the minister was silent, until my soul felt its duty had been performed,
when he declared another witness of the power of Christ to forgive sins
on earth, was manifest in my conversion.
From the day on which I first went to the Methodist Church, until the
hour of my deliverance, I was strangely buffeted by that enemy of all
righteousness—the devil.
I was naturally of a lively turn of disposition; and during the space of
time from my first awakening until I knew my peace was made with God,
I rejoiced in the vanities of this life, and then again sunk back into
sorrow.
For four years I had continued in this way, frequently laboring under
the awful apprehension, that I could never be happy in this life. This
persuasion was greatly strengthened during the three weeks, which was the
last of Satan’s power over me, in this peculiar manner, on which account
I had come to the conclusion that I had better be dead than alive. Here I
was again tempted to destroy my life by drowning; but suddenly this mode
was changed—and while in the dusk of the evening, as I was walking to
and fro in the yard of the house, I was beset to hang myself with a cord
suspended from the wall enclosing the secluded spot.
But no sooner was the intention resolved on in my mind, than an awful
dread came over me, when I ran into the house; still the tempter pursued
me. There was standing a vessel of water—into this I was strangely
impressed to plunge my head, so as to extinguish the life which God had
given me. Had I done this, I have been always of the opinion, that I
should have been unable to have released myself; although the vessel was
scarcely large enough to hold a gallon of water. Of me may it not be
said, as written by Isaiah, (chap. 65, verses 1, 2.) “I am sought of them
that asked not for me; I am found of them that sought me not.” Glory be
to God for his redeeming power, which saved me from the violence of my
own hands, from the malice of Satan, and from eternal death; for had I
have killed myself, a great ransom could not have delivered me; for it is
written—“No murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.” How appropriately
can I sing—
“Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He to rescue me from danger,
Interposed his precious blood.”
But notwithstanding the terror which seized upon me, when about to end
my life, I had no view of the precipice on the edge of which I was
tottering, until it was over, and my eyes were opened. Then the awful
gulf of hell seemed to be open beneath me, covered only, as it were, by
a spider’s web, on which I stood. I seemed to hear the howling of the
damned, to see the smoke of the bottomless pit, and to hear the rattling
of those chains, which hold the impenitent under clouds of darkness to
the judgment of the great day.
I trembled like Belshazzar, and cried out in the horror of my spirit,
“God be merciful to me a sinner.” That night I formed a resolution to
pray; which, when resolved upon, there appeared, sitting in one corner
of the room, Satan, in the form of a monstrous dog, and in a rage, as if
in pursuit, his tongue protruding from his mouth to a great length, and
his eyes looked like two balls of fire; it soon, however, vanished out of
my sight. From this state of terror and dismay, I was happily delivered
under the preaching of the Gospel as before related.
This view which I was permitted to have of Satan, in the form of a dog,
is evidence, which corroborates in my estimation, the Bible account
of a hell of fire, which burneth with brimstone, called in Scripture
the bottomless pit; the place where all liars, who repent not, shall
have their portion; as also the Sabbath breaker, the adulterer, the
fornicator, with the fearful, the abominable, and the unbelieving, this
shall be the portion of their cup.
This language is too strong and expressive to be applied to any state
of suffering in _time_. Were it to be thus applied, the reality could
no where be found in human life; the consequence would be, that _this_
scripture would be found a false testimony. But when made to apply to an
endless state of perdition, in eternity, beyond the bounds of human life,
then this language is found not to exceed our views of a state of eternal
damnation.
During the latter part of my state of conviction, I can now apply to my
case, as it then was, the beautiful words of the poet:
“The more I strove against its power,
I felt its weight and guilt the more;
’Till late I heard my Saviour say,
Come hither soul, I am the way.”
This I found to be true, to the joy of my disconsolate and despairing
heart, in the hour of my conversion to God.
During this state of mind, while sitting near the fire one evening,
after I had heard Rev. Richard Allen, as before related, a view of my
distressed condition so affected my heart, that I could not refrain
from weeping and crying aloud; which caused the lady with whom I then
lived, to inquire, with surprise, what ailed me; to which I answered,
that I knew not what ailed me. She replied that I ought to pray. I arose
from where I was sitting, being in an agony, and weeping convulsively,
requested her to pray for me; but at the very moment when she would
have done so, some person wrapped heavily at the door for admittance;
it was but a person of the house, but this occurrence was sufficient to
interrupt us in our intentions; and I believe to this day, I should then
have found salvation to my soul. This interruption was, doubtless, also
the work of Satan.
Although at this time, when my conviction was so great, yet I knew
not that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, the second person in the
adorable Trinity. I knew him not in the pardon of my sins, yet I felt a
consciousness that if I died without pardon, that my lot must inevitably
be damnation. If I would pray—I knew not how. I could form no connexion
of ideas into words; but I knew the Lord’s prayer; this I uttered with a
loud voice, and with all my might and strength. I was the most ignorant
creature in the world; I did not even know that Christ had died for the
sins of the world, and to save sinners. Every circumstance, however, was
so directed as still to continue and increase the sorrows of my heart,
which I now know to have been a Godly sorrow which wrought repentance,
which is not to be repented of. Even the falling of the dead leaves from
the forests, and the dried spires of the mown grass, showed me that
I too must die in like manner. But my case was awfully different from
that of the grass of the field, or the wide spread decay of a thousand
forests, as I felt within me a living principle, an immortal spirit,
which cannot die, and must forever either enjoy the smiles of its
Creator, or feel the pangs of ceaseless damnation.
But the Lord led me on; being gracious, he took pity on my ignorance; he
heard my wailings, which had entered into the ear of the Lord of Sabaoth.
Circumstances so transpired that I soon came to a knowledge of the being
and character of the Son of God, of whom I knew nothing.
My strength had left me. I had become feverish and sickly through the
violence of my feelings, on which account I left my place of service to
spend a week with a colored physician, who was a member of the Methodist
society, and also to spend this week in going to places where prayer and
supplication was statedly made for such as me.
Through this means I had learned much, so as to be able in some degree to
comprehend the spiritual meaning of the text, which the minister took on
the Sabbath morning, as before related, which was “I perceive thy heart
is not right in the sight of God.”—Acts, chap. 8, verse 21.
This text, as already related, became the power of God unto salvation
to me, because I believed. I was baptized according to the direction
of our Lord, who said, as he was about to ascend from the mount, to
his disciples, “Go ye into all the world and preach my gospel to every
creature, he that believeth and is baptized shall be saved.”
I have now passed through the account of my conviction, and also
of my conversion to God: and shall next speak of the blessings of
sanctification.
A time, after I had received forgiveness, flowed sweetly on; day and
night my joy was full, no temptation was permitted to molest me. I could
say continually with the psalmist, that “God had separated my sins from
me as far as the east is from the west.” I was ready continually to cry,
“Come all the world, come sinner thou,
All things in Christ are ready now.”
I continued in this happy state of mind for almost three months, when a
certain colored man, by name William Scott, came to pay me a religious
visit. He had been for many years a faithful follower of the Lamb; and
he had also taken much time in visiting the sick and distressed of our
color, and understood well the great things belonging to a man of full
stature in Christ Jesus.
In the course of our conversation, he inquired if the Lord had justified
my soul. I answered yes. He then asked me if he had sanctified me. I
answered no; and that I did not know what that was. He then undertook to
instruct me further in the knowledge of the Lord respecting this blessing.
He told me the progress of the soul from a state of darkness, or of
nature, was three-fold; or consisted in three degrees, as follows:
First, conviction for sin. Second, justification from sin. Third, the
entire sanctification of the soul to God. I thought this description
was beautiful, and immediately believed in it. He then inquired if I
would promise to pray for this in my secret devotions. I told him yes.
Very soon I began to call upon the Lord to show me all that was in my
heart, which was not according to his will. Now there appeared to be a
new struggle commencing in my soul, not accompanied with fear, guilt,
and bitter distress, as while under my first conviction for sin, but a
laboring of the mind to know more of the right way of the Lord. I began
now to feel that my heart was not clean in his sight; that there yet
remained the roots of bitterness, which if not destroyed, would ere long
sprout up from these roots, and overwhelm me in a new growth of the
brambles and brushwood of sin.
By the increasing light of the Spirit, I had found there yet remained the
root of pride, anger, self-will, with many evils, the result of fallen
nature. I now became alarmed at this discovery, and began to fear that
I had been deceived in my experience. I was now greatly alarmed, lest I
should fall away from what I knew I had enjoyed; and to guard against
this I prayed almost incessantly, without acting faith on the power and
promises of God to keep me from falling. I had not yet learned how to war
against temptation of this kind. Satan well knew that if he could succeed
in making me disbelieve my conversion, that he would catch me either on
the ground of complete despair, or on the ground of infidelity. For if
all had passed through was to go for nothing, and was but a fiction,
the mere ravings of a disordered mind, that I would naturally be led to
believe that there is nothing in religion at all.
From this snare I was mercifully preserved, and led to believe that
there was yet a greater work than that of pardon to be wrought in me.
I retired to a secret place, (after having sought this blessing, as
well as I could, for nearly three months, from the time brother Scott
had instructed me respecting it,) for prayer, about four o’clock in the
afternoon. I had struggled long and hard, but found not the desire of my
heart. When I rose from my knees, there seemed a voice speaking to me,
as I yet stood in a leaning posture—“Ask for sanctification.” When to my
surprise, I recollected that I had not even thought of it in my whole
prayer. It would seem Satan had hidden the very object from my mind, for
which I had purposely kneeled to pray. But when this voice whispered in
my heart, saying, “Pray for sanctification,” I again bowed in the same
place, at the same time, and said “Lord _sanctify_ my soul for Christ’s
sake.” That very instant, as if lightning had darted through me, I sprang
to my feet, and cried, “The Lord has sanctified my soul!” There was none
to hear this but the angels who stood around to witness my joy—and Satan,
whose malice raged the more. That Satan was there, I knew; for no sooner
had I cried out “The Lord has sanctified my soul,” than there seemed
another voice behind me, saying “No, it is too great a work to be done.”
But another spirit said “Bow down for the witness—I received it—_thou art
sanctified_!” The first I knew of myself after that, I was standing in
the yard with my hands spread out, and looking with my face toward heaven.
I now ran into the house and told them what had happened to me, when, as
it were, a new rush of the same ecstacy came upon me, and caused me to
feel as if I were in an ocean of light and bliss.
During this, I stood perfectly still, the tears rolling in a flood from
my eyes. So great was the joy, that it is past description. There is no
language that can describe it, except that which was heard by St. Paul,
when he was caught up to third heaven, and heard words which it was not
lawful to utter.