When they went out into the street the rain had left off, but the air was
permeated with a wondrous mildness and humidity. Most of the street lamps
had already been extinguished; the one at the street corner was the
nearest that was alight; and, as the sky was still overcast with clouds,
deep darkness hung over the city. Emil had offered Bertha his arm; they
walked in silence. From a church tower a clock struck--one. Bertha was
surprised. She had believed that it must be nearly morning, but now she
was glad at heart to wander mutely through the night in the still, soft
air, leaning on his arm--because she loved him very much.
They entered an open square; before them lay the Church of St. Charles.
Emil hailed a driver who had fallen asleep, sitting on the footboard of
his open carriage.
"It is such a fine night," said Emil; "we can still indulge in a short
drive before I take you to your hotel--shall we?"
The carriage started off. Emil had taken off his hat; she laid it in her
lap, an action which also afforded her pleasure. She took a sidelong
glance at Emil; his eyes seemed to be looking into the distance.
"What are you thinking of?"
"I ... To tell the truth, Bertha, I was thinking of a melody out of the
opera, which that man I was telling you about played to me this
afternoon. But I can't get it quite right."
"You are thinking of melodies now ..." said Bertha, smiling, but with a
slight-tone of reproach in her voice.
Again there was silence. The carriage drove slowly along the deserted
Ringstrasse, past the Opera House, the Museum and the public gardens.
"Emil?"
"What do you want, my darling?"
"When shall I at last have an opportunity of hearing you play again?"
"I am playing at a concert to-day, as a matter of fact," he said, as if
it were a joke.
"No, Emil, that was not what I meant--I want you to play to me alone. You
will do that just once ... won't you? Please!"
"Yes, yes."
"It would mean so much to me. I should like you to know that there was no
one in the room except myself listening to you."
"Quite so. But never mind that now, though."
He spoke in such a decided tone of voice that it seemed as if he was
defending something from her. She could not understand for what reason
her request could have been distasteful to him, and she continued:
"So then it is settled: to-morrow at five o'clock in the evening at
your house?"
"Yes, I am curious to see whether you will like it there."
"Oh, of course I shall. Surely it will be much nicer being at your house
than at that place where we have been this evening. And shall we spend
the evening together? Do you know, I am just thinking whether I ought not
to see my cousin...."
"But, my dearest one, please, don't let us map out a definite programme."
In saying this he put his arm round her neck, as if he wanted to make her
feel the tenderness which was absent from the tone of his voice.
"Emil!"
"Well?"
"To-morrow we will play the Kreatzer Sonata together--the Andante
at least."
"But, my dear child, we've talked enough about music; do let us drop the
subject. I am quite prepared to believe that you are immensely
interested in it."
Again he spoke in that vague way, from which she could not tell whether
he really meant what he said or had spoken ironically. She did not,
however, venture to ask. At the same time her yearning at that moment to
hear him play the violin was so keen that it was almost painful.
"Ah, here we are near your hotel, I see!" exclaimed Emil; and, as if
he had completely forgotten his wish to go for a drive with her
before leaving her at her door, he called out the name of the hotel to
the driver.
"Emil--"
"Well, dearest?"
"Do you still love me?"
Instead of answering he pressed her close to him and kissed her on the
lips.
"Tell me, Emil--"
"Tell you what?"
"But I know you don't like anybody to ask much of you."
"Never mind, my child, ask anything you like."
"What will you.... Tell me, what are you accustomed to do with your
forenoons?"
"Oh, I spend them in all sorts of ways. To-morrow, for instance, I am
playing the violin solo in Haydn's Mass in the Lerchenfeld Church."
"Really? Then, of course, I won't have to wait any longer than to-morrow
morning before I can hear you."
"If you want to. But it is really not worth the trouble.... That is to
say, the Mass itself, of course, is very beautiful."
"However does it happen that you are going to play in the
Lerchenfeld Church?"
"It is ... an act of kindness on my part."
"For whom?"
"For whom ... well, for Haydn, of course."
A thrill of pain seemed to seize Bertha. At that moment she felt that
there must be some special connexion between it and his taking part in
the Mass at the Lerchenfeld Church. Perhaps some woman was singing in the
Mass, who.... Ah, what did she know, after all?... But she would go to
the church, yes, she must go ... she could let no other woman have Emil!
He belonged to her, to her alone ... he had told her so, indeed.... And
she would find a way to hold him fast... She had, she told herself, such
infinite tenderness for him ... she had reserved all her love for him
alone.... She would completely envelop him in it ... no more would he
yearn for any other woman.... She would move to Vienna, be with him each
day, be with him for ever.
"Emil--"
"Well, what is the matter with you, darling?"
He turned towards her and looked at her rather uneasily.
"Do you love me? Good Heavens, here we are already!"
"Really?" said Emil, with surprise.
"Yes--there, do you see?--that's where I am staying. So tell me, please,
Emil, tell me once more--"
"Yes, to-morrow at five o'clock, my darling. I am very glad."
"No, not that.... Tell me, do you--" The carriage stopped. Emil waited by
Bertha's side until the porter came out and opened the door, then he
kissed her hand with the most ceremonious politeness, and said:
"Good-bye till we meet again, dear lady."
He drove away.
Bertha's sleep that night was sound and heavy.
When she awoke, the light of the morning sun was streaming around her.
She remembered the previous evening, and she was very glad that something
which she had imagined to be so hard, and almost grievous, had been done
and had proved to be quite easy and joyous. And then she felt a thrill of
pride on recollecting her kisses, which had had nothing in them of the
timidity of a first adventure. She could not observe the slightest trace
of repentance in her heart, although it occurred to her that it was
conventional to be penitent after such things as she had experienced.
Words, too, like "sin" and "love affair" passed through her mind, without
being able to linger in her thoughts, because they seemed to be devoid of
all meaning. She believed herself certain that she replied to Emil's
tenderness just like a woman accomplished in the art of love, and was
very happy in the thought that all those things which came to other women
as the result of the experiences of nights of drunkenness had come to her
from the depth of her feelings. It seemed to her as though in the
previous evening she had discovered in herself a gift, of the existence
of which she had hitherto had no premonition, and she felt a slight
emotion of regret stir within her at not having turned that gift to the
best advantage earlier. She remembered one of Emil's questions as to her
past, on account of which she had not been so shocked as she ought to
have been, and now, as she recalled it to mind, the same smile appeared
on her lips, as when she had sworn that she had told him the truth, which
he had not wanted to believe. Then she thought of their next meeting; she
pictured to herself how he would receive her and escort her through his
rooms. The idea came to her that she would behave just as if nothing at
all had yet happened between them. Not once would he be able to read in
her glance the recollection of the previous evening; he would have to win
her all over again, he would have to woo her--not with words alone, but
also with his music.... Yes.... Wasn't she going to hear him play that
very forenoon?... Of course--in the Church.... Then she remembered the
sudden jealousy which had seized her the previous evening.... Yes, but
why?... It seemed to her now to be so absurd--jealousy of a singer who
perhaps was taking part in singing the Mass, or of some other unknown
woman. She would, however, go to the Church in any case. Ah, how fine it
would be to stand in the dim light of the Church, unseen by him and
unable to see him, and to hear only his playing, which would float down
to her from the choir. And she felt as though she rejoiced in the
prospect of a new tenderness which should come to her from him without
his apprehending it.
Slowly she got up and dressed herself. A gentle thought of her home rose
up within her, but it was altogether without strength. She even found it
a trouble to think of it. Moreover, she felt no penitence on that
account; rather, she was proud of what she had done. She felt herself
wholly as Emil's creature; all that had had part in her life previous to
his advent seemed to be extinguished. If he were to demand of her that
she should live a year, live the coming summer with him, but that then
she should die--she would obey him.
Her dishevelled hair fell over her shoulders. Memories came to her which
almost made her reel. ... Ah, Heaven; why had all this come so late, so
late? But there was still a long time before her--there were still five,
still ten years during which she might remain beautiful.... Oh, there was
even longer so far as he was concerned, if they remained together, since,
indeed, he would change together with her. And again the hope flitted
through her mind: if he should make her his wife, if they should live
together, travel together, sleep together, night after night--but now she
began to feel slightly ashamed of herself--why was it that these thoughts
were for ever present in her mind? Yet, to live together, did it not mean
something further--to have cares in common, to be able to talk with one
another on all subjects? Yes, she would, before all things, be his
friend. And that was what she would tell him in the evening before
everything else. That day he would have at last to tell her everything,
tell her about himself; he would have to unfold his whole life before
her, from the moment when they had parted twelve years ago until--and she
could not help being amazed as she pursued her thoughts--until the
previous morning.... She had seen him again for the first time the
morning before, and in the space of that one day she had become so
completely his that she could no longer think of anything except him; she
was scarcely any longer a mother ... no, nothing but his beloved.
She went out into the brightness of the summer day. It occurred to her
that she was meeting more people than usual, that most of the shops were
shut--of course, it was Sunday! She had not thought of that at all. And
now that, too, made her glad. Soon she met a very slender gentleman who
was wearing his overcoat open and by whose side was walking a young girl
with very dark, laughing eyes. Bertha could not help thinking that she
and Emil looked just such another couple ... and she pictured to herself
how beautiful it must be to stroll about, not merely in the darkness of
the night, but, just as these two were doing, openly in the broad light
of day, arm in arm, and with happiness and laughter shining in their
eyes. Many a time, when a gentleman going past her looked into her face,
she felt as though she understood the language of glances, like
something new to her. One man looked at her with a sort of grave
expression, and he seemed to say: Well, you are also just like the
others! Presently came two young people who left off talking to each
other when they saw her. She felt as though they knew perfectly well what
had happened the previous night. Then another man passed, who appeared to
be in a great hurry, and he cast her a rapid sidelong glance which seemed
to say: Why are you walking about here as imposingly, as if you were a
good woman? Yesterday evening you were in the arms of one of us. Quite
distinctly she heard within her that expression "one of us," and, for the
first time in her life, she could not help pondering over the fact that
all the men who passed by were indeed men, and that all the women were
indeed women; that they desired one another, and, if they so wished,
found one another. And she had the feeling as though only on the previous
day at that time she had been a woman apart, from whom all other women
had secrets, whilst now she also was included amongst them and could talk
to them. She tried to remember the period which followed her wedding, and
she recalled to mind that she had felt nothing beyond a slight
disappointment and shame. Very vague there rose in her mind a certain
sentence--she could not tell whether she had once read it or heard
it--namely: "It is always the same, indeed, after all." And she seemed to
herself much cleverer than the person, whoever it might have been, man
or woman, who had spoken or written that sentence.
Presently she noticed that she was following the same route as she had
taken on the previous morning. Her eye fell on an advertising column on
which was an announcement of the concert in which Emil was one of those
taking part. Delightedly she stopped before it. A gentleman stood beside
her. She smiled and thought: if he knew that my eyes are resting upon the
very name of the man who, last night, was my lover.... Suddenly, she
felt very proud. What she had done she considered as something unique.
She could scarcely imagine that other women possessed the same courage.
She walked on through the public gardens in which there were more people
than on the previous day. Once again she saw children playing,
governesses and nursemaids gossiping, reading, knitting. She noticed
particularly a very old gentleman who had sat down on a seat in the sun;
he looked at her, shook his head and followed her with a hard and
inexorable glance. The incident created a most unpleasant impression upon
her, and she had a feeling of injury in regard to the did gentleman.
When, however, she mechanically glanced back, she observed that he was
gazing at the sunlit sand and was still shaking his head. She realized
then that this was due to his old age, and she asked herself whether
Emil, too, would not one day be just such an aged gentleman, who would
sit in the sun and shake his head. And all at once she saw herself
walking along by his side in the chestnut avenue at home, but she was
just as young as she was now, and he was being wheeled in an invalid's
chair. She shivered slightly. If Herr Rupius were to know.... No--never,
never would he believe that of her! If he had supposed her capable of
such things he would not have called her to join him on the balcony and
told her that his wife was intending to leave him....
At that moment she was amazed at what seemed to her to be the great
exuberance of her life. She had the impression that she was existing in
the midst of such complex relations as no other woman did. And this
feeling also contributed to her pride.
As she walked past a group of children, of whom four were dressed exactly
alike, she thought how strange it was that she had not for a moment
considered the fact that her adventure of the previous day might possibly
have consequences. But a connexion between that which had happened the
day before between those wild embraces in a strange room--and a being
which one day would call her "Mother" seemed to lie without the pale of
all possibility.
She left the garden and took the road to the Lerchenfelderstrasse. She
wondered whether Emil was now thinking that she was on her way to him.
Whether his first thought that morning had been of her. And it seemed
to her now that previously her imagination had pictured quite
differently the morning after a night such as she had spent.... Yes,
she had fancied it as a mutual awakening, breast on breast, and lips
pressed to lips.
A detachment of soldiers came towards her. Officers paced along by the
side of the pavement; one of them jostled her slightly, as he passed, and
said politely:
"I beg your pardon."
He was a very handsome man, and he gave himself no further concern on her
account, which vexed her a little. And the thought came to her
involuntarily: had he also a beloved? And suddenly she knew for a
certainty that he had been with the girl he loved the previous night;
also that he loved her only, and concerned himself with other women as
little as Emil did.
She was now in front of the church. The notes of the organ came surging
forth into the street. A carriage was standing there, and a footman was
on the box. How came that carriage there? All at once, it was quite clear
to Bertha that some definite connexion must have subsisted between it and
Emil, and she resolved to leave the church before the conclusion of the
Mass so as to see who might enter the carriage. She went into the crowded
church. She passed forward between the rows of seats until she reached
the High Altar, by which the priest was standing. The notes of the organ
died away, the string orchestra began to take up the melody. Bertha
turned her head in the direction of the choir. Somehow, it seemed strange
to her that Emil should, incognito, so to speak, be playing the solo in a
Haydn Mass here in the Lerchenfelder Church.... She looked at the female
figures in the front seats. She noticed two--three--four young women and
several old ladies. Two were sitting in the foremost row; one of them was
very fashionably dressed in black silk, the other appeared to be her
maid. Bertha thought that in any case the carriage must belong to that
aristocratic old lady, and the idea greatly tranquillized her mind. She
walked back again, half unconsciously keeping everywhere on the lookout
for pretty women. There were still some who were passably good-looking;
they all seemed to be absorbed in their devotions, and she felt ashamed
that she alone was wandering about the church without any holy thoughts.
Then she noticed that the violin solo had already begun. He was now
playing--he! he!... And at that moment she was hearing him play for the
first time for more than ten years. And it seemed to her that it was the
same sweet tone as of old, just as one recognized the voices of people
whom one has not met for years. The soprano joined in. If she could only
see the singer! It was a clear, fresh voice, though not very highly
trained, and Bertha felt something like a personal connexion between the
notes of the violin and the song. It was natural that Emil should know
the girl who was now singing.... But was there not something more in
the fact of their performing together in the Mass than appeared on the
surface? The singing ceased, the notes of the violin continued to
resound, and now they spoke to her alone, as though they wished to
reassure her. The orchestra joined in, the violin solo hovered over the
other instruments, and seemed only to have that one desire to come to an
understanding with her. "I know that you are there," it seemed to say,
"and I am playing only for you...."
The organ chimed in, but still the violin solo remained dominant over the
rest. Bertha was so moved that tears rose to her eyes. At length the solo
came to an end, as though engulfed in the swelling flood of sound from
the other instruments, and it arose no more. Bertha scarcely listened,
but she found a wonderful solace in the music sounding around her. Many a
time she fancied that she could hear Emil's violin playing with the
orchestra, and then it seemed quite strange, almost incredible, that she
was standing there by a column, down in the body of the church and he was
sitting at a desk up in the choir above, and the previous night they had
been clasped in each other's arms, and all the hundreds of people there
in the church knew nothing at all about it....
She must see him at once--she must! She wanted to wait for him at the
bottom of the staircase.... She did not want to speak a word to him--no,
but she wished to see him and also the others who came out--including the
singer of whom she had been jealous. But she had got completely over that
now; she knew that Emil could not deceive her....
The music had ceased; Bertha felt herself thrust forward towards the
exit; she wanted to find the staircase, but it was at a considerable
distance from her. Indeed, it was just as well that it was so ... no, she
would not have dared to do it, to put herself forward, to wait for
him--what would he have thought of her? He certainly would not have liked
it! No, she would disappear with the crowd, and would tell him in the
evening that she had heard him play. She was now positively afraid of
being observed by him. She stood at the entrance, walked down the steps,
and went past the carriage, just as the old lady and her maid were
getting into it. Bertha could not help smiling when she called to mind in
what a state of apprehension the sight of that carriage had thrown her,
and it seemed to her that her suspicion in regard to the carriage having
been removed, all the others must necessarily flicker out! She felt as
though she had passed through an extraordinary adventure and was standing
now on the brink of an absolutely new existence. For the first time it
seemed to her to have a meaning; everything else had been but a fiction
of the imagination and became as nothing in comparison with the
happiness which was streaming through her pulses, while she slowly
sauntered from the church through the streets of the suburbs towards her
hotel. It was not until she had nearly reached her destination that she
noticed that she had gone the whole way as though lost in a dream and
could scarcely remember which way she had taken and whether she had met
any people or not.
As she was taking the key of her room the porter handed her a note and a
bouquet of violets and lilac blossoms.... Oh, why had not she had a
similar idea and sent Emil some flowers? But what could he have to write
to her about? With a slight thrill of fear at her heart, she opened the
letter and read:
"DEAREST,
"I must thank you once again for that delightful evening. To-day,
unfortunately, it is impossible for me to see you. Don't be angry with
me, my dear Bertha, and don't forget to let me know in good time on the
next occasion when you come to Vienna."
Ever your own,
"EMIL."
She went, she ran up the stairs, into her own room.... Why was he
unable to see her that day? Why did he not at least tell her the reason?
But then, after all, what did she know of his various obligations of an
artistic and social nature?... It would certainly have been going too
much into detail, and it would have appeared like an evasion if he had,
at full length, given his reasons for putting her off. But in spite of
that.... And then, why did he say: the next occasion when you came to
Vienna?... Had she not told him that she would be remaining there a
few days longer? He had forgotten that--he must have forgotten it! And
immediately she sat down and wrote:
"MY DEAREST EMIL,
"I am very sorry indeed that you have had to put me off to-day, but
luckily I am not leaving Vienna yet. Do please write to me at once,
dearest, and tell me whether you can spare a little time for me to-morrow
or the next day.
"A thousand kisses from your
"BERTHA."
"P.S.--It is most uncertain when I shall be coming to Vienna again,
and I should be very sorry in any case to go away without seeing you
once more."
She read the letter over. Then she added a further postscript:
"I must see you again!"
She hurried out into the street, handed the letter to a commissionaire,
and impressed upon him strongly that he was on no account to come back
without an answer. Then she went up to her room again and posted herself
at the window. She wanted to keep herself from thinking, she wished only
to look down into the street. She forced herself to fix her attention on
the passers-by, and she recalled to mind a game, which she used to play
as a child, and in which she and her brothers looked out of the window
and amused themselves by commenting on how this or that passer-by
resembled some one or other of their acquaintances. In the present
circumstances, it was a matter of some difficulty for her to discover any
such resemblances, for her room was situated on the third story; but, on
the other hand, owing to the distance, it was easier for her to discover
the arbitrary resemblances which she was looking for. First of all, came
a woman who looked like her cousin Agatha; then some one who reminded her
of her music teacher at the Conservatoire; he was arm in arm with a woman
who looked like her sister-in-law's cook. Yonder was a young man who bore
a resemblance to her brother, the actor. Directly behind him, and in the
uniform of a captain, a person who was the image of her dead father came
along the road; he stood still awhile before the hotel, glanced up,
exactly as if he were seeking her, and then disappeared through the
doorway. For a moment Bertha was as greatly alarmed as if it really had
been her father, who had come as a ghost from the grave. Then she forced
herself to laugh--loudly--and sought to continue the game, but she was
not able to play it any longer with success.
Her sole purpose now was to see whether the commissionaire was coming.
At length she decided to have dinner, just to while away the time.
After she had ordered it, she again went to the window. But now she no
longer looked in the direction from which the commissionaire had to
come, but her glances followed the crowded omnibuses and trams on their
way to the suburbs. Then the captain, whom she had seen a short time
before, struck her attention again, as he was just jumping on to a
tram, a cigarette in his mouth. He no longer bore the slightest
resemblance to her dead father.
She heard a clatter behind her; the waiter had come into the room. Bertha
ate but little, and drank her wine very quickly. She grew sleepy, and
leaned back in the corner of the divan. Her thoughts gradually grew
indistinct; there was a ringing in her ears like the echoes of the organ
which she had heard in the church. She shut her eyes and, all at once, as
though evoked by magic, she saw the room in which she had been with Emil
the previous evening, and behind the red curtains she perceived the
gleaming whiteness of the coverlet. It appeared that she herself was
sitting again before the piano, but another man was holding her in a
close embrace--it was her nephew Richard. With an effort she tore her
eyes open, she seemed to herself depraved beyond all measure, and she
felt panic-stricken as though some atonement would have to be exacted
from her, for these visionary fancies.
Once more she went to the window. She felt as if an eternity had passed
since she had sent the commissionaire on his errand. She read through
Emil's letter once again. Her glance lingered on the last words: "Ever
your own"; and she repeated them to herself aloud and in a tender tone,
and called to mind similar words which he had spoken the previous
evening. She concocted a letter which was surely on the point of arriving
and would certainly be couched in these terms: "My dearest Bertha! Heaven
be thanked that you are going to remain in Vienna until to-morrow! I
shall expect you for certain at my house at three o'clock," or:
"to-morrow we will spend the whole day together," or even; "I have put
off the appointment I had, so we can still see each other to-day. Come to
me at once; longingly I am waiting for you!"
Well, whatever his answer might be, she would see him again before
leaving Vienna, although not that day perhaps. Indeed, anything else was
quite unthinkable. Why, then, was she a prey to this dreadful agitation,
as though all were over between them? But why was his answer so long in
coming?... He had, in any case, gone out to dinner--of course, he
had no one to keep house for him! So the earliest that he could be home
again was three o'clock.... But if he were not to return home till the
evening?... She had, indeed, told the commissionaire to wait in any
case--even till the night, if necessary.... But what was she to do? Of
course, she could not stand there looking out of the window all the time!
The hours, indeed, seemed endless! She was ready to weep with impatience,
with despair!
She paced up and down the room; then she again stood at the window for a
while, then she sat down and took up for a short time the novel which she
had brought with her in her travelling bag; she attempted, too, to go to
sleep--but did not succeed in doing so. At length four o'clock
struck--nearly three hours had passed since she had begun her vigil.
There was a knock at the door. The commissionaire came into the room and
handed her a letter. She tore open the envelope and with an involuntary
movement, so as to conceal the expression on her features from the
stranger, she turned towards the window.
She read the letter.
"MY DEAREST BERTHA,
"It is very good of you still to give me a choice between the next few
days but, as indeed I have already hinted to you in my former letter,
it is, unfortunately, absolutely impossible for me to do just as I like
during that time. Believe me, I regret that it is so, at least as much
as you do.
"Once more a thousand thanks and a thousand greetings and I trust that we
will be able to arrange a delightful time when next we meet.
"Don't forget me completely,
"Your
"EMIL."
When she had finished reading the letter she was quite calm; she paid the
commissionaire the fee he demanded and found that, for a person in her
circumstances, it was by no means insignificant. Then she sat down at the
table and tried to collect her thoughts. She realized immediately that
she could no longer remain in Vienna, and her only regret was that there
was no train which could take her home at once. On the table stood the
half empty bottle of wine, bread crumbs were scattered beside the plate,
on the bed lay her spring jacket, beside it were the flowers which he had
sent her that very morning.
What could it all mean? Was it at an end?
Indistinctly, but so that it seemed that it must bear some relation to
her recent experiences, there occurred to her a sentence which she had
once read. It was about men who desire nothing more than "to attain their
object..." But she had always considered that to be a phrase of the
novelists. But, after all, it was surely not a letter of farewell that
she was holding in her hand, was it?... Was it really not a letter of
farewell? Might not these kind words be also lies?... Also lies--that
was it!... For the first time the positive word forced itself into her
thoughts.... Lies!... Then it was certain that, when he brought her home
the previous night, he had already made up his mind not to see her again.
And the appointment for the present day and his desire to see her again
that day were lies....
She went over the events of the previous evening in her mind, and she
asked herself what could she have said or done to put him out of humour
or disappoint him.... Really, it had all been so beautiful, and Emil had
seemed so happy, just as happy as she had been ... was all that going to
prove to have been a lie too?... How could she tell?... Perhaps, after
all, she had put him out of humour without being aware that she was doing
so.... She had, indeed, been nothing more or less than a good woman all
her life.... Who could say whether she had not been guilty of something
clumsy or stupid?... whether she had not been ludicrous and repellent in
some moment when she had believed herself to be sacrificing, tender,
enchanted and enchanting?... But what did she know of all these
things?... And, all at once, she felt something almost in the nature of
repentance that she had set out upon her adventure so utterly
unprepared, that, until the previous day, she had been so chaste and
good, that she had not had other lovers before Emil.... Then she
remembered, too, that he had evaded her shy questions and requests on the
subject of his violin playing, as if he had not wanted to admit her into
that sphere of his life. He had thus remained strange to her,
intentionally strange, so far as concerned the very things which were of
the deepest and most vital importance to him. All at once she realized
that she had no more in common with him than the pleasures of a night,
and that the present morning had found them both as far apart from one
another as they had been during all the years in which they had each led
a separate existence.
And then jealousy again flared up within her.... But she felt as though
she was always thus, as though every conceivable emotion had always been
present within her ... love and distrust, and hope and penitence, and
yearning and jealousy ... and, for the first time in her life, she was so
stirred, even to the very depths of her soul, that she understood those
who in their despair have hurled themselves out of a window to meet their
death.... And she perceived that the present state of affairs was
impossible, that only certainty could be of any avail to her.... She must
go to him and ask him ... but she must ask in the manner of one who is
holding a knife to another's breast....
She hurried away through the streets, which were almost deserted, as
though all Vienna had gone off into the country.... But would she find
him at home?... Would he not, perhaps, have had a presentiment that
the idea might come to her to seek him, to take him to task, and would he
not have taken steps to evade the chance of such an occurrence?... She
was ashamed of having had to think of that, too.... And if he was at
home would she find him alone?... And if he was not alone, would she
be admitted into his house?
And if she found him in the arms of some other woman, what should she
say?... Had he promised her anything? Had he sworn to be true to
her? Had she even so much as demanded loyalty of him? How could she
have imagined that he was waiting for her here in Vienna until she
congratulated him on his Spanish Order?... Yes, could he not say to
her: "You have thrown yourself on my neck and have desired nothing more
than that I should take you as you are...." And if she asked
herself--was he not right?... Had she not come to Vienna to be his
beloved?--and for no other reason ... without any regard to the past,
without any guarantee as to the future?... Yes, that was all she had
come for! All other hopes and wishes had only transiently hovered
around her passion, and she did not deserve anything better than that
which had happened to her.... And if she was candid to herself, she
must also admit that of all that she had experienced this had still
been the best....
She stopped at a street corner. All was quiet around her; the summer air
about her was heavy and sultry. She retraced her steps back to her hotel.
She was very tired, and a new thought rose up convulsively within her:
was it not possible that he had written to put her off only because he
also was tired?... She seemed to herself very experienced when that
idea occurred to her.... And yet another thought flashed through her
mind: that he could also love no other woman in the way in which he had
loved her.... And suddenly she asked whether, after all, the previous
night would remain her only experience--whether she herself would belong
to no other man save him? And she rejoiced in the doubt, as if, by
cherishing it, she was taking a kind of revenge on his compassionate
glance and mocking lips.
And now she was back again in the cheerless room away up in the third
storey of the hotel. The remains of her dinner had not yet been cleared
away. Her jacket and the flowers were still lying on the bed. She took
the flowers in her hand and raised them to her lips, as though about to
kiss them. Suddenly, however, as though her whole anger burst forth
again, she flung them violently to the ground. Then she threw herself on
the bed, her face buried in her hands.
After lying for some time in this position she felt her calmness
gradually returning. It was perhaps just as well that she could return
home that very day. She thought of her boy, how he was accustomed to lie
in his little cot with his whole face beaming with laughter, if his
mother leaned over the railings. She yearned for him. Also she yearned in
some slight degree for Elly and for Frau Rupius. Yes, it was true--Frau
Rupius, of course, was going to leave her husband.... What could there
be at the bottom of it all?... A love affair?... But, strangely
enough, she was now still less able than before to picture to herself the
answer to that question.
It was growing late, it was time for her to get ready for her
departure.... So, then, she would be home again by Sunday evening.
She sat in the carriage; on her lap lay the flowers, which she had picked
up from the floor.... Yes, she was now travelling home, leaving the
town where she ... had experienced something--that was the right
expression, wasn't it?... Words which she had read or heard in
connexion with similar circumstances kept recurring continually to her
mind ... such words as: "bliss" ... "transports of love" ... "ecstasy"
... and a gentle thrill of pride stirred within her at having
experienced what those words denoted. And yet another thought came to her
which caused her to grow singularly calm: if he also--maybe--had an
affair with another woman at that very time ... she had taken him from
_her_ ... not for long indeed, but yet as completely as it was possible
to take a man from a woman. She grew calmer and calmer, almost cheerful.
It was, indeed, clear to her that she, Bertha, the inexperienced woman,
could not, with one assault, completely obtain possession of her
beloved.... But might she not be successful on a second occasion, she
wondered? She was very glad that she had not carried out her
determination to hasten to him at once. Indeed, she even formed the
intention of writing him such a cold letter that he would fall into a
mild fit of anger; she would be coquettish, subtle.... But she must
have him again ... of that she was certain ... soon, and, if possible,
forever!... And so her dreams went on and on as the train carried her
homewards.... Ever bolder they grew as the humming of the wheels grew
deeper and deeper, lulling her into a semi-slumberous state.
On her arrival she found the little town buried in a deep sleep--she
reached home and told the maidservant to fetch Fritz from her
sister-in-law's the first thing in the morning. Then she slowly undressed
herself. Her glance fell on the portrait of her dead husband, which hung
over the bed. She asked herself whether it should remain in that
position. Then the thought occurred to her that there are some women who
come from their lovers and then are able to sleep by the side of their
husbands, and she shuddered.... She could never have done such a thing
while her husband had been alive!... And, if she _had_ done it, she would
never have returned home again....