STREPSIADES.[470] Great gods! will these nights never end? will daylight
never come? I heard the cock crow long ago and my slaves are snoring
still! Ah! 'twas not so formerly. Curses on the War! has it not done me
ills enough? Now I may not even chastise my own slaves.[471] Again
there's this brave lad, who never wakes the whole long night, but,
wrapped in his five coverlets, farts away to his heart's content. Come!
let me nestle in well and snore too, if it be possible ... oh! misery,
'tis vain to think of sleep with all these expenses, this stable, these
debts, which are devouring me, thanks to this fine cavalier, who only
knows how to look after his long locks, to show himself off in his
chariot and to dream of horses! And I, I am nearly dead, when I see the
moon bringing the third decade in her train[472] and my liability falling
due.... Slave! light the lamp and bring me my tablets. Who are all my
creditors? Let me see and reckon up the interest. What is it I owe? ...
Twelve minae to Pasias.... What! twelve minae to Pasias? ... Why did I
borrow these? Ah! I know! 'Twas to buy that thoroughbred, which cost me
so dear.[473] How I should have prized the stone that had blinded him!
PHIDIPPIDES (_in his sleep_). That's not fair, Philo! Drive your chariot
straight,[474] I say.
STREPSIADES. 'Tis this that is destroying me. He raves about horses, even
in his sleep.
PHIDIPPIDES (_still sleeping_). How many times round the track is the
race for the chariots of war?[475]
STREPSIADES. 'Tis your own father you are driving to death ... to ruin.
Come! what debt comes next, after that of Pasias? ... Three minae to
Amynias for a chariot and its two wheels.
PHIDIPPIDES (_still asleep_). Give the horse a good roll in the dust and
lead him home.
STREPSIADES. Ah! wretched boy! 'tis my money that you are making roll. My
creditors have distrained on my goods, and here are others again, who
demand security for their interest.
PHIDIPPIDES (_awaking_). What is the matter with you, father, that you
groan and turn about the whole night through?
STREPSIADES. I have a bum-bailiff in the bedclothes biting me.
PHIDIPPIDES. For pity's sake, let me have a little sleep.
STREPSIADES. Very well, sleep on! but remember that all these debts will
fall back on your shoulders. Oh! curses on the go-between who made me
marry your mother! I lived so happily in the country, a commonplace,
everyday life, but a good and easy one--had not a trouble, not a care,
was rich in bees, in sheep and in olives. Then forsooth I must marry the
niece of Megacles, the son of Megacles; I belonged to the country, she
was from the town; she was a haughty, extravagant woman, a true
Coesyra.[476] On the nuptial day, when I lay beside her, I was reeking of
the dregs of the wine-cup, of cheese and of wool; she was redolent with
essences, saffron, tender kisses, the love of spending, of good cheer and
of wanton delights. I will not say she did nothing; no, she worked hard
... to ruin me, and pretending all the while merely to be showing her the
cloak she had woven for me, I said, "Wife, you go too fast about your
work, your threads are too closely woven and you use far too much wool."
A SLAVE. There is no more oil in the lamp.
STREPSIADES. Why then did you light such a guzzling lamp? Come here, I am
going to beat you!
SLAVE. What for?
STREPSIADES. Because you have put in too thick a wick.... Later, when we
had this boy, what was to be his name? 'Twas the cause of much
quarrelling with my loving wife. She insisted on having some reference to
a horse in his name, that he should be called Xanthippus, Charippus or
Callippides.[477] I wanted to name him Phidonides after his
grandfather.[478] We disputed long, and finally agreed to style him
Phidippides....[479] She used to fondle and coax him, saying, "Oh! what a
joy it will be to me when you have grown up, to see you, like my father,
Megacles,[480] clothed in purple and standing up straight in your chariot
driving your steeds toward the town." And I would say to him, "When, like
your father, you will go, dressed in a skin, to fetch back your goats
from Phelleus."[481] Alas! he never listened to me and his madness for
horses has shattered my fortune. But by dint of thinking the livelong
night, I have discovered a road to salvation, both miraculous and divine.
If he will but follow it, I shall be out of my trouble! First, however,
he must be awakened, but let it be done as gently as possible. How shall
I manage it? Phidippides! my little Phidippides!
PHIDIPPIDES. What is it, father!
STREPSIADES. Kiss me and give me your hand.
PHIDIPPIDES. There! What's it all about?
STREPSIADES. Tell me! do you love me?
PHIDIPPIDES. By Posidon, the equestrian Posidon! yes, I swear I do.
STREPSIADES. Oh, do not, I pray you, invoke this god of horses; 'tis he
who is the cause of all my cares. But if you really love me, and with
your whole heart, my boy, believe me.
PHIDIPPIDES. Believe you? about what?
STREPSIADES. Alter your habits forthwith and go and learn what I tell
you.
PHIDIPPIDES. Say on, what are your orders?
STREPSIADES. Will you obey me ever so little?
PHIDIPPIDES. By Bacchus, I will obey you.
STREPSIADES. Very well then! Look this way. Do you see that little door
and that little house?[482]
PHIDIPPIDES. Yes, father. But what are you driving at?
STREPSIADES. That is the school of wisdom. There, they prove that we are
coals enclosed on all sides under a vast extinguisher, which is the
sky.[483] If well paid,[484] these men also teach one how to gain
law-suits, whether they be just or not.
PHIDIPPIDES. What do they call themselves?
STREPSIADES. I do not know exactly, but they are deep thinkers and most
admirable people.
PHIDIPPIDES. Bah! the wretches! I know them; you mean those quacks with
livid faces,[485] those barefoot fellows, such as that miserable Socrates
and Chaerephon.[486]
STREPSIADES. Silence! say nothing foolish! If you desire your father not
to die of hunger, join their company and let your horses go.
PHIDIPPIDES. No, by Bacchus! even though you gave me the pheasants that
Leogoras rears.
STREPSIADES. Oh! my beloved son, I beseech you, go and follow their
teachings.
PHIDIPPIDES. And what is it I should learn?
STREPSIADES. 'Twould seem they have two courses of reasoning, the true
and the false, and that, thanks to the false, the worst law-suits can be
gained. If then you learn this science, which is false, I shall not pay
an obolus of all the debts I have contracted on your account.
PHIDIPPIDES. No, I will not do it. I should no longer dare to look at our
gallant horsemen, when I had so tarnished my fair hue of honour.
STREPSIADES. Well then, by Demeter! I will no longer support you, neither
you, nor your team, nor your saddle-horse. Go and hang yourself, I turn
you out of house and home.
PHIDIPPIDES. My uncle Megacles will not leave me without horses; I shall
go to him and laugh at your anger.
STREPSIADES. One rebuff shall not dishearten me. With the help of the
gods I will enter this school and learn myself. But at my age, memory has
gone and the mind is slow to grasp things. How can all these fine
distinctions, these subtleties be learned? Bah! why should I dally thus
instead of rapping at the door? Slave, slave! (_He knocks and calls._)
A DISCIPLE. A plague on you! Who are you?
STREPSIADES. Strepsiades, the son of Phido, of the deme of Cicynna.
DISCIPLE. 'Tis for sure only an ignorant and illiterate fellow who lets
drive at the door with such kicks. You have brought on a miscarriage--of
an idea!
STREPSIADES. Pardon me, pray; for I live far away from here in the
country. But tell me, what was the idea that miscarried?
DISCIPLE. I may not tell it to any but a disciple.
STREPSIADES. Then tell me without fear, for I have come to study among
you.
DISCIPLE. Very well then, but reflect, that these are mysteries. Lately,
a flea bit Chaerephon on the brow and then from there sprang on to the
head of Socrates. Socrates asked Chaerephon, "How many times the length
of its legs does a flea jump?"
STREPSIADES. And how ever did he set about measuring it?
DISCIPLE. Oh! 'twas most ingenious! He melted some wax, seized the flea
and dipped its two feet in the wax, which, when cooled, left them shod
with true Persian buskins.[487] These he slipped off and with them
measured the distance.
STREPSIADES. Ah! great Zeus! what a brain! what subtlety!
DISCIPLE. I wonder what then would you say, if you knew another of
Socrates' contrivances?
STREPSIADES. What is it? Pray tell me.
DISCIPLE. Chaerephon of the deme of Sphettia asked him whether he thought
a gnat buzzed through its proboscis or through its rear.
STREPSIADES. And what did he say about the gnat?
DISCIPLE. He said that the gut of the gnat was narrow, and that, in
passing through this tiny passage, the air is driven with force towards
the breech; then after this slender channel, it encountered the rump,
which was distended like a trumpet, and there it resounded sonorously.
STREPSIADES. So the rear of a gnat is a trumpet. Oh! what a splendid
discovery! Thrice happy Socrates! 'Twould not be difficult to succeed in
a law-suit, knowing so much about the gut of a gnat!
DISCIPLE. Not long ago a lizard caused him the loss of a sublime thought.
STREPSIADES. In what way, an it please you?
DISCIPLE. One night, when he was studying the course of the moon and its
revolutions and was gazing open-mouthed at the heavens, a lizard shitted
upon him from the top of the roof.
STREPSIADES. This lizard, that relieved itself over Socrates, tickles me.
DISCIPLE. Yesternight we had nothing to eat.
STREPSIADES. Well! What did he contrive, to secure you some supper?
DISCIPLE. He spread over the table a light layer of cinders, bending an
iron rod the while; then he took up a pair of compasses and at the same
moment unhooked a piece of the victim which was hanging in the
palaestra.[488]
STREPSIADES. And we still dare to admire Thales![489] Open, open this
home of knowledge to me quickly! Haste, haste to show me Socrates; I long
to become his disciple. But do, do open the door. (_The disciple admits
Strepsiades._) Ah! by Heracles! what country are those animals from?
DISCIPLE. Why, what are you astonished at? What do you think they
resemble?
STREPSIADES. The captives of Pylos.[490] But why do they look so fixedly
on the ground?
DISCIPLE. They are seeking for what is below the ground.
STREPSIADES. Ah! 'tis onions they are seeking. Do not give yourselves so
much trouble; I know where there are some, fine and large ones. But what
are those fellows doing, who are bent all double?