CHORUS OF WOMEN. What is this I see, ye wretched old men? Honest and
pious folk ye cannot be who act so vilely.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah, ha! here's something new! a swarm of women stand
posted outside to defend the gates!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah! ah! we frighten you, do we; we seem a mighty host,
yet you do not see the ten-thousandth part of our sex.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ho, Phaedrias! shall we stop their cackle? Suppose one
of us were to break a stick across their backs, eh?
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let us set down our water-pots on the ground, to be out
of the way, if they should dare to offer us violence.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Let someone knock out two or three teeth for them, as
they did to Bupalus;[417] they won't talk so loud then.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Come on then; I wait you with unflinching foot, and I
will snap off your testicles like a bitch.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Silence! ere my stick has cut short your days.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Now, just you dare to touch Stratyllis with the tip of
your finger!
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. And if I batter you to pieces with my fists, what will
you do?
CHORUS OF WOMEN. I will tear out your lungs and entrails with my teeth.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh! what a clever poet is Euripides! how well he says
that woman is the most shameless of animals.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let's pick up our water-jars again, Rhodippé.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! accursed harlot, what do you mean to do here with
your water?
CHORUS OF WOMEN. And you, old death-in-life, with your fire? Is it to
cremate yourself?
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I am going to build you a pyre to roast your female
friends upon.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. And I,--I am going to put out your fire.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. You put out my fire--you!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, you shall soon see.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I don't know what prevents me from roasting you with
this torch.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am getting you a bath ready to clean off the filth.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. A bath for me, you dirty slut, you!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, indeed, a nuptial bath--he, he!
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Do you hear that? What insolence!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am a free woman, I tell you.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I will make you hold your tongue, never fear!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah, ha! you shall never sit more amongst the
heliasts.[418]
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Burn off her hair for her!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Water, do your office! (_The women pitch the water in
their water-pots over the old men._)
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh, dear! oh, dear! oh, dear!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Was it hot?
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Hot, great gods! Enough, enough!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. I'm watering you, to make you bloom afresh.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Alas! I am too dry! Ah, me! how I am trembling with
cold!
MAGISTRATE. These women, have they made din enough, I wonder, with their
tambourines? bewept Adonis enough upon their terraces?[419] I was
listening to the speeches last assembly day,[420] and Demostratus,[421]
whom heaven confound! was saying we must all go over to Sicily--and lo!
his wife was dancing round repeating: Alas! alas! Adonis, woe is me for
Adonis!
Demostratus was saying we must levy hoplites at Zacynthus[422]--and lo!
his wife, more than half drunk, was screaming on the house-roof: "Weep,
weep for Adonis!"--while that infamous _Mad Ox_[423] was bellowing away
on his side.--Do ye not blush, ye women, for your wild and uproarious
doings?
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. But you don't know all their effrontery yet! They
abused and insulted us; then soused us with the water in their
water-pots, and have set us wringing out our clothes, for all the world
as if we had bepissed ourselves.
MAGISTRATE. And 'tis well done too, by Poseidon! We men must share the
blame of their ill conduct; it is we who teach them to love riot and
dissoluteness and sow the seeds of wickedness in their hearts. You see a
husband go into a shop: "Look you, jeweller," says he, "you remember the
necklace you made for my wife. Well, t'other evening, when she was
dancing, the catch came open. Now, I am bound to start for Salamis; will
you make it convenient to go up to-night to make her fastening secure?"
Another will go to a cobbler, a great, strong fellow, with a great, long
tool, and tell him: "The strap of one of my wife's sandals presses her
little toe, which is extremely sensitive; come in about midday to supple
the thing and stretch it." Now see the results. Take my own case--as a
Magistrate I have enlisted rowers; I want money to pay 'em, and lo! the
women clap to the door in my face.[424] But why do we stand here with
arms crossed? Bring me a crowbar; I'll chastise their insolence!--Ho!
there, my fine fellow! (_addressing one of his attendant officers_) what
are you gaping at the crows about? looking for a tavern, I suppose, eh?
Come, crowbars here, and force open the gates. I will put a hand to the
work myself.
LYSISTRATA. No need to force the gates; I am coming out--here I am. And
why bolts and bars? What we want here is not bolts and bars and locks,
but common sense.
MAGISTRATE. Really, my fine lady! Where is my officer? I want him to tie
that woman's hands behind her back.
LYSISTRATA. By Artemis, the virgin goddess! if he touches me with the tip
of his finger, officer of the public peace though he be, let him look out
for himself!
MAGISTRATE (_to the officer_). How now, are you afraid? Seize her, I tell
you, round the body. Two of you at her, and have done with it!
FIRST WOMAN. By Pandrosos! if you lay a hand on her, I'll trample you
underfoot till you shit your guts!
MAGISTRATE. Oh, there! my guts! Where is my other officer? Bind that minx
first, who speaks so prettily!
SECOND WOMAN. By Phoebé, if you touch her with one finger, you'd better
call quick for a surgeon!
MAGISTRATE. What do you mean? Officer, where are you got to? Lay hold of
her. Oh! but I'm going to stop your foolishness for you all!
THIRD WOMAN. By the Tauric Artemis, if you go near her, I'll pull out
your hair, scream as you like.
MAGISTRATE. Ah! miserable man that I am! My own officers desert me. What
ho! are we to let ourselves be bested by a mob of women? Ho! Scythians
mine, close up your ranks, and forward!
LYSISTRATA. By the holy goddesses! you'll have to make acquaintance with
four companies of women, ready for the fray and well armed to boot.
MAGISTRATE. Forward, Scythians, and bind them!
LYSISTRATA. Forward, my gallant companions; march forth, ye vendors of
grain and eggs, garlic and vegetables, keepers of taverns and bakeries,
wrench and strike and tear; come, a torrent of invective and insult!
(_They beat the officers._) Enough, enough! now retire, never rob the
vanquished!
MAGISTRATE. Here's a fine exploit for my officers!
LYSISTRATA. Ah, ha! so you thought you had only to do with a set of
slave-women! you did not know the ardour that fills the bosom of
free-born dames.
MAGISTRATE. Ardour! yes, by Apollo, ardour enough--especially for the
wine-cup!
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Sir, sir! what use of words? they are of no avail with
wild beasts of this sort. Don't you know how they have just washed us
down--and with no very fragrant soap!
CHORUS OF WOMEN. What would you have? You should never have laid rash
hands on us. If you start afresh, I'll knock your eyes out. My delight is
to stay at home as coy as a young maid, without hurting anybody or moving
any more than a milestone; but 'ware the wasps, if you go stirring up the
wasps' nest!
CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! great gods! how get the better of these ferocious
creatures? 'tis past all bearing! But come, let us try to find out the
reason of the dreadful scourge. With what end in view have they seized
the citadel of Cranaus,[425] the sacred shrine that is raised upon the
inaccessible rock of the Acropolis? Question them; be cautious and not
too credulous. 'Twould be culpable negligence not to pierce the mystery,
if we may.
MAGISTRATE (_addressing the women_). I would ask you first why ye have
barred our gates.
LYSISTRATA. To seize the treasury; no more money, no more war.
MAGISTRATE. Then money is the cause of the War?
LYSISTRATA. And of all our troubles. 'Twas to find occasion to steal that
Pisander[426] and all the other agitators were for ever raising
revolutions. Well and good! but they'll never get another drachma here.
MAGISTRATE. What do you propose to do then, pray?
LYSISTRATA. You ask me that! Why, we propose to administer the treasury
ourselves.
MAGISTRATE. _You_ do?
LYSISTRATA. What is there in that to surprise you? Do we not administer
the budget of household expenses?
MAGISTRATE. But that is not the same thing.
LYSISTRATA How so--not the same thing?
MAGISTRATE. It is the treasury supplies the expenses of the War.
LYSISTRATA. That's our first principle--no War!
MAGISTRATE. What! and the safety of the city?
LYSISTRATA. We will provide for that.
MAGISTRATE You?
LYSISTRATA Yes, just we.
MAGISTRATE. What a sorry business!
LYSISTRATA. Yes, we're going to save you, whether you will or no.
MAGISTRATE. Oh! the impudence of the creatures!
LYSISTRATA. You seem annoyed! but there, you've got to come to it.
MAGISTRATE. But 'tis the very height of iniquity!
LYSISTRATA. We're going to save you, my man.
MAGISTRATE. But if I don't want to be saved?
LYSISTRATA. Why, all the more reason!
MAGISTRATE. But what a notion, to concern yourselves with questions of
Peace and War!
LYSISTRATA. We will explain our idea.
MAGISTRATE. Out with it then; quick, or ... (_threatening her_).
LYSISTRATA. Listen, and never a movement, please!
MAGISTRATE. Oh! it is too much for me! I cannot keep my temper!
A WOMAN. Then look out for yourself; you have more to fear than we have.
MAGISTRATE. Stop your croaking, old crow, you! (_To Lysistrata._) Now
you, say your say.
LYSISTRATA. Willingly. All the long time the War has lasted, we have
endured in modest silence all you men did; we never allowed ourselves to
open our lips. We were far from satisfied, for we knew how things were
going; often in our homes we would hear you discussing, upside down and
inside out, some important turn of affairs. Then with sad hearts, but
smiling lips, we would ask you: Well, in to-day's Assembly did they vote
Peace?--But, "Mind your own business!" the husband would growl, "Hold
your tongue, do!" And I would say no more.
A WOMAN. I would not have held my tongue though, not I!
MAGISTRATE. You would have been reduced to silence by blows then.
LYSISTRATA. Well, for my part, I would say no more. But presently I would
come to know you had arrived at some fresh decision more fatally foolish
than ever. "Ah! my dear man," I would say, "what madness next!" But he
would only look at me askance and say: "Just weave your web, do; else
your cheeks will smart for hours. War is men's business!"
MAGISTRATE. Bravo! well said indeed!
LYSISTRATA. How now, wretched man? not to let us contend against your
follies, was bad enough! But presently we heard you asking out loud in
the open street: "Is there never a man left in Athens?" and, "No, not
one, not one," you were assured in reply. Then, then we made up our minds
without more delay to make common cause to save Greece. Open your ears to
our wise counsels and hold your tongues, and we may yet put things on a
better footing.
MAGISTRATE. _You_ put things indeed! Oh! 'tis too much! The insolence of
the creatures! Silence, I say.
LYSISTRATA. Silence yourself!
MAGISTRATE. May I die a thousand deaths ere I obey one who wears a veil!
LYSISTRATA. If that's all that troubles you, here, take my veil, wrap it
round your head, and hold your tongue. Then take this basket; put on a
girdle, card wool, munch beans. The War shall be women's business.
CHORUS OF WOMEN. Lay aside your water-pots, we will guard them, we will
help our friends and companions. For myself, I will never weary of the
dance; my knees will never grow stiff with fatigue. I will brave
everything with my dear allies, on whom Nature has lavished virtue,
grace, boldness, cleverness, and whose wisely directed energy is going to
save the State. Oh! my good, gallant Lysistrata, and all my friends, be
ever like a bundle of nettles; never let your anger slacken; the winds of
fortune blow our way.
LYSISTRATA. May gentle Love and the sweet Cyprian Queen shower seductive
charms on our bosoms and all our person. If only we may stir so amorous a
lust among the men that their tools stand stiff as sticks, we shall
indeed deserve the name of peace-makers among the Greeks.
MAGISTRATE. How will that be, pray?
LYSISTRATA. To begin with, we shall not see you any more running like mad
fellows to the Market holding lance in fist.
A WOMAN. That will be something gained, anyway, by the Paphian goddess,
it will!
LYSISTRATA. Now we see 'em, mixed up with saucepans and kitchen stuff,
armed to the teeth, looking like wild Corybantes![427]
MAGISTRATE. Why, of course; that's how brave men should do.
LYSISTRATA. Oh! but what a funny sight, to behold a man wearing a
Gorgon's-head buckler coming along to buy fish!
A WOMAN. 'Tother day in the Market I saw a phylarch[428] with flowing
ringlets; he was a-horseback, and was pouring into his helmet the broth
he had just bought at an old dame's stall. There was a Thracian warrior
too, who was brandishing his lance like Tereus in the play;[429] he had
scared a good woman selling figs into a perfect panic, and was gobbling
up all her ripest fruit.
MAGISTRATE. And how, pray, would you propose to restore peace and order
in all the countries of Greece?
LYSISTRATA. 'Tis the easiest thing in the world!
MAGISTRATE. Come, tell us how; I am curious to know.
LYSISTRATA. When we are winding thread, and it is tangled, we pass the
spool across and through the skein, now this way, now that way; even so,
to finish off the War, we shall send embassies hither and thither and
everywhere, to disentangle matters.
MAGISTRATE. And 'tis with your yarn, and your skeins, and your spools,
you think to appease so many bitter enmities, you silly women?
LYSISTRATA. If only you had common sense, you would always do in politics
the same as we do with our yarn.
MAGISTRATE. Come, how is that, eh?
LYSISTRATA. First we wash the yarn to separate the grease and filth; do
the same with all bad citizens, sort them out and drive them forth with
rods--'tis the refuse of the city. Then for all such as come crowding up
in search of employments and offices, we must card them thoroughly; then,
to bring them all to the same standard, pitch them pell-mell into the
same basket, resident aliens or no, allies, debtors to the State, all
mixed up together. Then as for our Colonies, you must think of them as so
many isolated hanks; find the ends of the separate threads, draw them to
a centre here, wind them into one, make one great hank of the lot, out of
which the Public can weave itself a good, stout tunic.
MAGISTRATE. Is it not a sin and a shame to see them carding and winding
the State, these women who have neither art nor part in the burdens of
the War?
LYSISTRATA. What! wretched man! why, 'tis a far heavier burden to us than
to you. In the first place, we bear sons who go off to fight far away
from Athens.