intellectual cackling saved Imperial Rome, were enjoying themselves in
catching tadpoles in a duck-pond.
Walter Scott's dog Maida, Beth Gelert, Launce's dog, old dog Tray, and
the other "Tray, Blanche, and Sweet-heart," were discussing canine
politics over a beef-bone.
The Sea Serpent appeared, but was so dimly visible that I could only
judge him to be about the average length.
Edgar A. Poe's Raven and Barnaby Rudge's Grip had just been detected
stealing corn from a quail trap, and hiding it in an empty powder-horn.
Many other birds of note were pointed out, and their situation and
prospects explained by the obliging Pluto.
And, even as one of our most learned, wise and illustrious rulers, and
his brother Rapperites, have demonstrated that the spirits of the
departed are busied in employments similar to their earthly ones, so did
my reliable Pluto state similar facts concerning the honorable company
of beasts, birds, and reptiles. His discourse ran much as follows:
"Know, men of earth, that shadowy horses still throng your streets,
harnessed to intangible drays, and to incorporeal express wagons, and
still tailfully drag innumerable three-cent stages; they still live in
your stables, graze in your pastures, and drink at your pumps; drivers,
malignant, though unseen, still lash their unreal sides with cutting
whips, until they become overcome with ire, and viciously kick over
their spectral traces; defunct racers still haunt the scenes of their
former triumphs, skim with feet unshod round the inside track, and
scornfully turn up their goblin noses at the fastest earthly time on
record; transparent donkeys wag complacently their celestial ears, and
brush off airy flies with unsubstantial tails.
"Swine, full grown, although unseen, proud as in life, ferociously prowl
about your streets, seeking what they may devour, and expressing with
inaudible grunts their Paradisiac satisfaction; bodiless pigs squeal
under formless gates; dogs still follow, with unheard tread, their
dreamy masters, wagging their placid phantom tails, or searching through
their shaggy hides, with savage teeth, for spiritual fleas.
"Polecats, invisible, still haunt your barns, searching for airy
chickens, finding ghostly eggs in unheard of nests--then stealing and
giving odor in your cellars; apparitions of departed cats hunt pulseless
mice, and in your parlors, phantom kittens chase their goblin tails.
Henceforth, let every man take heed, lest, in pulling off his boots, he
kick his dear departed Carlo; and let every maiden lady bestow herself
in her favorite rocking-chair, in awe and perturbation, lest the
cushion be already occupied by defunct Tabby and her spectral litter."
When my darling Pluto had spoken thus, the company began to disappear. A
mist seemed gradually to envelope all, and one by one they faded from my
mortal vision, and soon all save Pluto had vanished from my sight. He
only remained, to give me one last assurance that the creed of the well
known Indian mentioned by Mr. Pope, is true--who firmly believes that in
the happy hunting ground hereafter,
"His faithful dog shall bear him company."
XXXI.
Election Day.--"Paddy" versus "Sam."
Everybody knows that Election day anywhere creates an unusual
excitement; but it is in the large cities where partisan feeling runs
the highest, where strongest and strangest influences are brought into
requisition to influence the election of favorite candidates; where the
people are made to act as blind confederates in a skilful scheme of
party trickery and political legerdemain, which places one man into
office, and defeats the expectations of another, whom they fully
expected to see invested with the imaginary robes of municipal power. So
dexterously are the cups and balls shifted by the party leaders, and so
cunningly is the pack shuffled, that the rank and file of the different
cliques can't tell where the "little joker" is, or who holds the trump
card, for an hour together.
The first election witnessed by the undersigned, was one of unusual
interest, principally on account of the intense antagonism of the
foreign and the know-nothing elements of party, and the tremendous
exertions of "_Sam_" to overthrow his great rivals, "_Paddy_" and
"_Hans_."
Early in the morning of the day I was in the street, to see whatever fun
might turn up--found it filled with big placards, posters, music,
notices, split-tickets, rum-bullies, banners, bonfires, and
lager-bier--saw a great many flags with appropriate devices, noticed one
in particular; the whiskey faction had it; coat of arms as follows:
Within the American shield, two lager-bier casks supporting a rum-bottle
rampant, Irishman azure, flat-on-his-back-ant, sustained by a
wheelbarrow couchant--sinister eye sable in-base, demijohn between two
small decanters--in the distance, policeman pendant, from a lamp-post
standant--motto, "Coming events cast their shadows before: Let the M.
P.'s beware." On the obverse, ticket for city officers, and opposed an
American quarter dollar--motto, "Exchange no Bribery." "Faugh na
Ballagh." "Go in and win."
As has ever been the case, from the time of the first institution of
public elections, it rained as if it was raining on a bet--went to the
polls, wanted to vote, wasn't particular who for, if he only had the
biggest flags and the most bullies: was a little puzzled after all how
to do it; had read all the political prints to find out the best man,
but to judge from what the newspapers say concerning the different
candidates, the various factions in this city entertain peculiar ideas
about the requisites necessary to qualify a man to fill a public
station.
Not an individual is ever nominated for any office, who is not eulogized
by some of the public journals, as a drunkard, liar, swindler,
incendiary, assassin, or public robber.
Assuming from the wonderful unanimity of the papers on this subject,
that these amiable qualities constitute the fitness of the nominees for
places of honor, trust, or profit, I have endeavored to analyze the
gradations of criminal merit, and discover exactly how big a rascal a
man must be to qualify himself for any given office. The result of my
investigation is as follows:--
No one is eligible to the office of Mayor of the city, unless he has
forged a draft, and got the money on it; and, on at least two separate
occasions, set fire to his house, to get the insurance.
Candidates for Aldermen qualify themselves by carrying a revolver,
getting beastly drunk, and stabbing a policeman or two before they can
get sober.
A Common Councilman must drink with the Short Boys, give prizes to the
Firemen's Target Excursion, carry a slung-shot in his pocket, and have a
personal interest in a Peter Funk auction shop.
A police Justice must gamble a little, cheat a considerable, lie a good
deal, and get drunk "clear through" every Saturday night; if he can read
easy words, and write his name, it is generally no serious objection;
but the Know Nothings will not permit even this accomplishment, on the
plea that the science of letters is of foreign origin.
A man who can pick pockets scientifically, will make a good constable.
Aspirants to minor offices are classified according to desert, but no
one who has not at least committed petit larceny, is allowed a place on
any regular ticket.
As to offices of more importance, I should say from what I can now
judge, that no man can ever be elected Governor of the State, unless he
is guilty of a successful burglary, complicated with a midnight murder.
The rival candidates in this present crisis, had called each other all
the names, and accused each other of all the crimes imaginable, for the
preceding six weeks.
Boggs had been denounced as the plunderer of orphans, and seducer of
innocent maidens, and the pilferer of hard-earned coppers from the poor.
Noggs, according to his charitable opponents, was a pickpocket, a
sheepstealer, a Peter Funk, and an Irishman.
The candidate set up by the Know Nothings, to claim votes on the plea of
his being an immaculate American, was proved to be the child of a French
father, and a Prussian mother, and to have been born in Calcutta--it was
asserted that he commenced his education in the northern part of
Ethiopia, continued it in Dublin, and finally graduated at Botany Bay.
Hoggs, who had once before held the office he was now striving for, it
was asserted, had solemnly promised to pardon all the murderers,
liberate all the burglars, reward all the assassins, and present all
the shoulder hitters with an official certificate of good moral
character, which should also testify to their valuable and highly
commendable exertions in the public behalf.
Scroggs, too virtuous to be severely handled, was merely mentioned as
having been formerly a swindler, and a member of the Common Council.
Got to the polls; man with a blue flag urged me to go for Boggs; man
with a red flag said vote for Scroggs; man with a white flag with black
letters sung out "Go for Hoggs"--little boy pulled my coat tails and
whispered, "Vote for Noggs."
Man challenged my vote, took off my hat, held up my hand, and swore to
all sorts of things, told how old I am, where I get my dinners, and what
my washerwoman's name is; got mad and did a little extra swearing on my
own account, which was not "down in the bill;" marched up in a grand
procession of one, and poked my vote in the little hole.
The great excitement was on the liquor question; it was Noggs, and no
liquor shops, or Boggs, and a few liquor shops, Scroggs, and plenty of
liquor shops, or Hoggs, and every man his own liquor shop.
Voted for Hoggs, for I feel perfectly justified in taking an occasional
toddy, when all Wall street is perpetually "tight."
Noise on the corner, nigger boy playing big drum--candidates presented
themselves to the sovereign people for inspection.
Know Nothing man on a native jackass, cap of liberty on his head, and
his pantaloons made of the American flag, with the stripes running the
wrong way.
Independent candidate, who wants the Irish vote and Dutch suffrages,
entered, borne in a mortar hod, bare-footed, with a shillelagh in one
hand, a whiskey bottle in the other, a Dutch pipe in his mouth, and a
small barrel of beer strapped to his back.
Cold water man stood on a hydrant with the water turned on, and had his
pockets full of icicles.
Whiskey man brought in drunk on a cart by admiring friends, who besought
the crowd to do as he did, go it blind.
Special deputy, who wanted to be appointed policeman, was very active;
he arrested an apple-woman, knocked down a cripple, kicked a little boy,
looked the other way while his constituents were picking pockets, and
took a little match girl up an alley and boxed her ears for presuming to
show herself in the street without shoes and stockings,--motto on his
hat, "_sic itur ad astra_," Go it or you'll never be a star.
Irish woman, with a big bag of potatoes on her head, came up to
vote--she said Dennis was sick, (drunk) but as Mr. Hoggs had paid for
his vote, she had brought it herself, in order that it might not be
lost. She was, with difficulty, choked off by the heroic aspirant to the
civic star.
Whiskey man began to fall behind; messenger sent to Randall's Island,
and one to Blackwell's ditto, for aid.
Fresh caught Irishman came up--been but fifteen minutes off the ship
"Pauper's Refuge," but was brought up by the bullies to vote for whiskey
man--Know Nothing man challenged him--he swore he was twenty-seven years
old, had always lived in this country--ten years in Maine--eleven in
South Carolina--eight in Maryland, and the last nine years of his life
he had spent in this city. Said he was a full-blooded American; that his
father was a New Hampshire farmer, and his mother a Mohawk squaw; that
they had separated three years before he was born, and had never seen
each other since.
Inspector, who was a friend of whiskey man, received his ballot. (Paddy
had slipped in two others with his left hand, while his right was on the
book taking the oath.) His kind friends took him by turns into eighteen
different wards, in every one of which he deposited a whiskey vote, and
swore it in; after the polls were closed and he couldn't vote any more,
they sent him to the station-house for being "drunk and disorderly."
Elated with their success in this instance, the B'hoys now brought up a
newly imported Dutchman, who could only grin idiotically and say "Yaw."
Inspector asks--"Are you a voter?"
"Yaw."
"Are you twenty-one years old?"
"Yaw."
"Do you live in this city?"
"Yaw."
Here one of Noggs's friends culpably interposed, evidently with the
desire of ridiculing the august proceedings, and asked:
"Have you got thirty-one wives?"--another man asked if he had his hat
full of saur-krout--and a third was anxious to be informed if he could
stand on his head and smoke a pipe, and balance a potash kettle on his
heels to all of which he placidly responded "Yaw."
Inspector hurried to the rescue, and put the test question:
"Do you vote for Hoggs?" and receiving the same complacent "Yaw," he
took his vote, and shoved him aside.
All sorts of odd customers came up to deposit their ballots, but it is a
remarkable fact that if they wanted to vote for Boggs, Scroggs, or
Noggs, or, in fact, any one but Hoggs, they were sure to be crowded,
shoved, and hustled, and generally left the room with bloody noses, and
their ballots still in their hands.
Fun grew fast and furious; whiskey man ahead, but wanted tremendous
majority; the pauper forces of Randall's Island, visiting the city for
that occasion only, came up and voted.
This last trick is getting stale, and whoever is elected this time will
probably have it denounced as a diabolical invention of the opposite
faction, and have a sharp watch kept over these individuals until his
own term of office runs out, and he is announced as a candidate for
re-election; which circumstance will blind his eyes for a while unless
his opponents bring them over to the other side, when he will turn
state's evidence, and expose the whole trick to his constituents.
Almost time to close the polls, but the inspector kept the box open
twenty minutes after sundown to receive the votes of sixteen promiscuous
rascals, who had been habeas corpused from the Tombs, and who voted
every man for Hoggs.
Polls closed; intense excitement; bonfires built; squibs, rockets, guns
and Chinese crackers; liquor scarce, the candidates having cut off the
supply as soon as the voting was over.
Crowd sat down in bar-rooms and engine-houses, and crowded about the
secret rooms to get dispatches; about twelve o'clock they began to come:
it was soon evident that Noggs was beaten, Boggs was distanced, and
Scroggs was nowhere; it was Hoggs everywhere; Hoggs in the street; Hoggs
in the tavern; Hoggs at the bonfires; Hoggs for ever; no one but Hoggs;
triumphant Hoggs; victorious Hoggs; high-old Hoggs, the people's choice.
This morning Noggs's typographical organ announced the utter ruin, and
speedy annihilation of the country, under the destructive rule of Hoggs,
and it asserted that honor, honesty and truth had left the nation;
patriotism and decency had deserted hand in hand, and that the outraged
goddess of liberty had taken off her night-cap, pinned up her skirts,
put on a pair of cowhide boots, and bidden eternal farewell to fallen,
degenerate Columbia.
On the other hand, Hoggs' papers rejoiced over the defeat of the allied
armies. Bade Noggs, Boggs and Scroggs an affectionate adieu, and
consigned them to oblivion; and then rejoiced that they had chosen a
ruler so capable as the glorious Hoggs, the proud, far-seeing, generous,
liberal, independent Hoggs, who guaranties to the people their daily
gin, and nightly riots. Hoggs, the magnanimous--Hoggs, who stands up to
the popular creed--unlimited whiskey--Hoggs, who remains true to his
alcoholic instincts--Hoggs, who battles for the people's rights--Hoggs,
who has so nobly earned the title bestowed upon him by the lager-bier
shops, whose liberty he has secured, and the whiskey dens whose morality
he has vouched for--HOGGS, "defender of the Faith, and leader of the
Faithful."
P. S. Hurrah for _Hoggs_.
P. S. Junior.--And unlimited whiskey.
XXXII.
Police Adventures.--Mayor Wood around.
Having made myself so exceedingly useful to the party in the last
election, I thought it not improbable that the party might not be
indisposed to make itself useful to me afterwards.--Was undecided what
office to ask for, but thought I would like to be an M. P.
I have so long admired the public usefulness of those blue-uniformed
men, chained to big brass stars (as if they were members of some
locomotive K. N. Lodge), who stand on the corners, borrow the morning
papers of the newsboys and munch gratuitous peanuts from the
apple-women's stalls, that I, too, felt a desire to serve the city by
wearing a broadcloth suit, carrying a lignum-vitae club, and drawing my
salary on pay-day.
I have often noticed the alacrity with which they pilot unprotected
females across the street, boost them into stages, or land them,
dry-shod, on the curb stone as the exigencies of the case may
require--the ferocity with which they crack their whips at tardy omnibus
drivers--the courage with which they attack the street-sweeping
children, and small-sized apple-women, and the diligence with which they
get the legs of their pantaloons dirty, endeavoring to keep the course
of travel uninterrupted in the streets.
Having an innate love of courage and noble deeds, (my father was Captain
in the artillery,) I could not but look with admiration upon the
chivalrous manner in which four or five of them will undauntedly lay
hold upon a single man, if _very_ drunk--and the courageous valor they
display in fearlessly knocking off his hat, intrepidly twisting their
fingers in his neck-cloth, unshrinkingly stepping on his toes and
kicking his shins, and stout-heartedly rapping his knuckles with their
hard wood clubs.
Emulous to rival such doughty heroism, I made application for the
situation of policeman, "Z., 785," which position had been vacated by
the chief, in consequence of the late incumbent having got drunk at the
corner grocery, and pawned his uniform and star to get money to bet on a
rat-terrier.
There were thirty-six applicants of various nations, for the post--soon
saw that Yankees stood no kind of a chance--so swore I was an Irishman,
and proved my birth by carrying a hod of mortar to the top of a five
story building without touching my hands--after that had more of a
sight, but found I had a powerful rival in the person of a six foot
Welshman, a rod and a half across the shoulders, with a fist like a
pile-driver--both swore we were "dimmycrats."
They asked us what we had done to secure the election of the regular
ticket.
Welshman said he had voted twice, built bonfires, carried flags, torn
down the handbills of the opposite party, and that just before the time
for voting was up, perceiving a crowd of our opponents about the polls,
he had raised an alarm of fire and got an engine company to come tearing
through the crowd and scatter them so that they couldn't get their votes
in before the doors closed.
Now came my turn--told them I had got up six free fights, challenged
fourteen whig voters, knocked the hats over the eyes of eight of them
and changed their tickets in the confusion, thereby making them vote for
Hoggs, when their bread and butter depended upon the election of Noggs.
Swore also that I had voted in eight different wards, (three times in
the 46th by the aid of a red wig and a pair of false whiskers)--and also
that I had associated with me in my operations, a genteel party of
eleven Dutchmen, made them all swear in their votes at every place I
did, and at three o'clock in the afternoon, when lager-bier had done its
worst, and they were so far overcome with their patriotic exertions,
that they couldn't hold their heads up, I locked them safely in a barn,
so that the whigs might not find them, drown them with a sober hydrant
stream, and put them through the same exercise all over again.
Told them I had finished the day by getting up a row in the office,
breaking the inspector's spectacles with a brick, and slipping into the
ballot-box sixty-three votes for Hoggs before he got the glass out of
his eyes.
Welshman couldn't talk so fast, and so they decided that I was the best
qualified, and had the strongest claims.
Got the appointment, had my uniform made, was presented with a star and
a club, and entered upon the performance of my duties.
Was stationed at the corner of Maiden Lane and Broadway, to keep the
street clear--endeavored to do it--express-man's horse fell down--tried
to get him up--ungrateful horse--very--turned over suddenly, threw me
down--spoiled my pantaloons, and bit a long piece out of my coat collar.
Got him up at last, and while the driver was reloading his vehicle,
tried to put on the gearing--never tried to harness a horse before,
don't think I could do it well without practice.
Got the breeching over his eyes, the hames between his foreshoulders,
buckled the belly-band round his ears, forgot the collar entirely, and
hooked the traces to the fore-wheels--driver didn't seem to like my way
of doing things, but at last he got every thing fixed right and passed
along.
Alarm of fire--tried to keep the engines from running on the
sidewalk--as a reward for trying to do my duty, got run over by two
hose-carts, and a hook and ladder truck, and was knocked bodily into an
ash-box by the foreman of engine 73.
Mighty torrent of opposing vehicles got jammed--stages, carts,
coal-waggons, drays, hackney-coaches, two military companies with a
brass-band, a four-horse hearse with a long funeral procession.
Every body very obstinate, wouldn't move--tried to disentangle them--got
bewildered, made every thing worse--horses fell down, stages fell on top
of them--mourners escaped with their lives--coffin didn't--hearse tipped
over and pitched into a swill-cart--soldiers stuck their bayonets
through the omnibus windows, ladies screamed, drivers yelled--got
scared--didn't know what I was about, ordered everybody to go
everywhere, put half the mourners into a Crystal Palace stage, and sent
them up town, and the rest into a private coach, and sent them _down_
town--got the coffin out of the swill-tub, and despatched it by express
to the Hudson River Railroad.
Couldn't with all my exertions get the tangle unsnarled, and it was only
eventually accomplished by the Captain of the Police Division, who came
to my assistance, and made every thing all right in about two minutes
and a half.
Was sent to a drinking saloon to take a couple of river thieves--found
the place, arrested two suspicious-looking persons, got them to the
Chief's office after a great deal of trouble, and then discovered that I
had let the right men go, and secured only the bar-tender and one of the
waiters.
Was sent with half a dozen others to capture a notorious
burglar--tracked him to his house--the rest went inside to look for him,
and left me to watch the garden wall to see that he didn't get out that
way.
Saw a man getting over, rushed up to him, asked him who he was--said he
was a stranger in the city, that the wind had blown his hat over the
wall, and, having recovered it, he was just climbing back;
gentlemanly-looking man--believed his story, helped him over, asked if I
shouldn't brush his clothes, said he had an appointment and couldn't
wait; let him go, and he disappeared round the corner just as the rest
of my company came down stairs after an unsuccessful search for the
burglar; asked if I'd seen anybody--told them about it--and Sergeant
informed me that I'd been helping the very man to escape whom they were
trying to take.
Believed him for I now discovered that he had stolen my week's salary
from my pocket, and an "Albert tie" and a false collar from my neck,
while I was helping him over the wall; got reprimanded by the Chief, but
not discharged.