_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger
the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as
much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and
serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be
sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.
_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into
a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has
lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface
when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his
strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to
India.
_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let
him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept
in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For
three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him
work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now
reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical
dressing.
_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a
soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be
identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little
opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.
_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into
his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes.
The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a
fine military hash) any number of times.
_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and
carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses
and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached
generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control
mixture.
_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of
paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your
sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.
_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the
dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add
a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the
whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is
now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished
with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion
relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome,
although extremely expensive.
* * * * *
STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope
our sailors will never engage--that of their colours.
* * * * *
A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty.
* * * * *
THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad
mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SO SYMPATHETIC! _Young Yeomanry Officer_ (_airing his
exploits in the war_). "And among other things, don't you know, I had a
horse shot under me."
_Fair Ignoramus._ "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DISAGREEABLE TRUTH
_Soldier._ "Now, then! You must move away from here."
_Rude Boy._ "Ah! But _you_ mustn't, old feller!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EUPHEMISTIC.
_Colonel._ "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant,
or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most
objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and
swearing at the men."
_Sergeant._ "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: H.M.S. _OBESITY_; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO
_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful
this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I
see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"
_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the
bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"
["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this
is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five
different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he
should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to
induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the
"Daily Telegraph."_]
]
* * * * *
MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a
midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best
aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.
* * * * *
THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.
* * * * *
NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to
_Glory_."--_Daily Mail._
* * * * *
FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet
should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"]
* * * * *