"Very well. I shall not look at _you_. I will look at the rest. I will
make it easier for you with my contempt."
Magnus fell into prolonged thought. Then he looked again at me
piercingly and quietly asked:
"And Maria?..."
Oh, cursed wretch! Again he hurled my heart upon the floor! I looked
at him wildly, like one aroused at night by fire. And three big waves
swept my breast. With the first wave rose the silent violins...ah,
how they wailed, just as if the musician played not upon strings but
upon my veins! Then in a huge wave with foamy surf there rolled by all
the images, thoughts and emotions of my recent, beloved human state:
think of it: everything was there! Even the lizzard that hissed at my
feet that evening beneath the moonlight. I recalled even the little
lizzard! And with the third wave there was rolled out quietly upon the
shore the holy name: _Maria_. And just as quietly it receded, leaving
behind a delicate lace of foam, and from beyond the sea burst forth
the rays of the sun, and for a moment, for one, little moment, I again
became a white schooner, with sails lowered. Where were the stars
while awaiting the word of the Lord of the universe to break forth in
all their brilliance? Madonna!
Magnus recalled me quietly.
"Where are you going? She is not there. What do you want?"
"Pardon me, dear Magnus, but I would like to see the Signorina Maria.
Only for a moment. I don't feel quite well. There is something
revolving in my eyes and head. Are you smiling, dear Magnus, or does
it only seem so to me? I have been gazing into the fire too long
and I can hardly discern the objects before me. Did you say: Maria?
Yes, I would like to see her. Then we shall continue our interesting
conversation. You will remind me just where we stopped, but meanwhile
I would be extremely obliged to you, if we were...to take a
little drive into the Campagna. It is so sweet there. And Signorina
Maria...."
"Sit down. You will see her presently."
But I continued to weave my nonsense--what in the devil had happened
to my head! I prattled on for a considerable period and now the
whole thing seems so ridiculous: Once or twice I pressed the heavy,
motionless hand of Thomas Magnus: apparently he must have looked like
my father at that moment. Finally, I subsided, partially regained my
senses but, in obedience to Magnus' command, remained in my chair and
prepared to listen.
"Can you listen now? You are quite excited, old man. Remember: the
senses, the Senses!"
"Yes, now I can go on. I...remember everything. Continue, old
friend. I am all attention."
Yes, I recollected everything but it was quite immaterial to me just
what Magnus said or what he might say: I was awaiting Maria. That is
how strong my love was! Turning aside for some reason and beating
time with his fingers on the table, Magnus said slowly and rather
reluctantly:
"Listen, Wondergood. In reality, it would be much more convenient
for me to throw you out into the street, you and your idiotic Toppi.
You wanted to experience _all_ human life and I would have viewed
with pleasure any efforts on your part to earn your own bread. You
are apparently no longer used to this? It would also have been very
interesting to know what would become of your grandiose contempt
when.... But I am not angry. Strange to say, I even nurse a feeling
of thankfulness for your...billions. And I am rather hopeful. Yes,
I still have a little hope that some day you may really grow to be a
man. And while this may prove an impediment to me, I am ready to take
you with me, but only--after a certain test. Are you still anxious to
have...Maria?"
"Yes."
"Very well."
Magnus rose with effort and moved toward the door. But he halted for a
moment and turned toward me and--surprising as it was on the part of
this scoundrel--he kissed my brow.
"Sit down, old man. I will call her immediately. The servants are all
out to-day."
He uttered the last sentence as he knocked feebly at the door. The
head of one of his _aides_ appeared for a moment and immediately
withdrew. With apparently the same effort Magnus returned to his place
and said with a sigh:
"She will be here at once."
We were silent. I fixed my eyes upon the tall door and it opened wide.
_Maria_ entered. With a quick step I moved to greet her and bowed
low. Magnus shouted:
"Don't kiss that hand!"
May 27.
I could not continue these notes yesterday. Do not laugh! This mere
combination of words: do not kiss that hand!--seemed to me the most
terrible utterance the human tongue was capable of. It acted upon me
like a magic curse. When I recall those words now they _interrupt_
everything I do and befog my whole being, transporting me into a
new state. If I happen to be speaking I grow silent, as if suddenly
stricken dumb. If I happen to be walking, I halt. If standing, I run.
If I happen to be asleep, no matter how deep my slumber, I awake and
cannot fall asleep again. Very simple, extremely simple words: Do not
kiss that hand!
And now listen to what happened further:
And so: I bowed over _Maria's_ hand. But so strange and sudden was
Magnus' cry, so great was the command in his hoarse voice, that it was
impossible to disobey. It was as if he had stopped a blind man on the
edge of a precipice! _But_ I failed to grasp his meaning and raised my
head in perplexity, still holding Maria's hand in mine, and looked at
Magnus. He was breathing heavily, as if he had actually witnessed my
fall into the abyss--and in reply to my questioning look, he said in a
stifled tone:
"Let her hand alone. Maria get away from him."
Maria released her hand and stepped aside, at a distance from me.
Still perplexed I watched her, standing alone! I tried to grasp the
situation. For a brief moment it seemed even extremely ludicrous and
reminded me of a scene in a comedy, in which the angry father comes
unexpectedly upon the sweethearts, but my silly laughter died away
immediately and in obedient expectation I raised my eyes to Magnus.
Magnus hesitated. Rising with an effort, he twice paced the length of
the room and halting before me, with his hands clasped behind him,
said:
"With all your eccentricities, you're a decent man, Wondergood. I have
_robbed_ you (that was how he put it) but I can no longer permit you
to kiss the hand of this woman. Listen! Listen! I have already told
you you must change your outlook upon men. I know it is very difficult
and I sympathize with you, but it is essential that you do it, old
friend. Listen! Listen! I misled you: Maria is not my daughter...I
have no children. Neither is she a...Madonna. She is my mistress
and she was that as recently as last night...."
Now I understand that Magnus was merciful in his own way and was
intentionally submerging me slowly into darkness. But at that time I
did not realize this and _slowly_ stifling, my breath gradually dying,
I lost consciousness. And when with Magnus' last words the light fled
from me and impenetrable night enveloped my being, I whipped out my
revolver and fired at Magnus several times in succession. I do not
know how many shots I fired. I remember only a series of laughing,
flickering flames and the movements of my hand, pushing the weapon
forward. I cannot remember at all how and when his _aides_ rushed in
and disarmed me. When I regained my senses this was the picture I
saw: the _aides_ were gone. I was sitting deep in my chair before the
dark fireplace, my hair was wet, while above my left eyebrow there
was a bandage soaked in blood. My collar was gone and my shirt was
torn, my left sleeve was almost entirely torn off, so that I had to
keep jerking it up constantly. Maria stood on the same spot, in the
same pose, as if she had not moved at all during the struggle. I was
surprised to see Toppi, who sat in a corner and gazed at me strangely.
At the table, with his back to me, stood Magnus. He was pouring out
some wine for himself.
When I heaved a particularly deep sigh, Magnus turned quickly and said
in a strangely familiar tone:
"Do you want some wine, Wondergood? You may have a glass now. Here,
drink.... You see you failed to hit me. I do not know whether to be
glad or not, but I am alive. To your health, old man!"