“Oh,—how do you do? Are you Miss Allfriend?—the Housewife’s Helper?
You must excuse me, but I never saw a Visiting Housekeeper before, and
I’d no idea they looked so,—so correct! Well, since you’re here, please
begin to housekeep at once. I’m in such a flurry. You see, I’m
standardizing my housework, and it makes so much confusion. You
understand—don’t you,—all about Lost Motion and Increased Efficiency?
I’m a perfect crank on those two things. They mean so much to us
enlightened women. Am I a suffragette? Oh, mercy, no! I’m happily
married. But I believe in Ethics and Standardization and all those
modern conveniences.
“Now, Miss Allfriend, if you’ll please set the dinner table. I’m having
a little dinner to-night for Senator Caldwell and his wife. They’re
terribly swagger, and, of course, I don’t want to put on any airs, but I
do want things to be nice. So, you set the table—Where are the things?
Why, hunt them up from the cupboards and buffets? If I get the things
out, I may as well do the work myself! I thought you were to help!
Here’s the center-piece I want used. Oh,—it is creased, isn’t it? Well,
just press it off. Do it carefully,—there’s so much in pressing. Well,
yes,—it is a little spotted. I guess you’ll have to wash it. Use only a
pure white soap,—and don’t let the colors run.
“And you’d better dust the dishes. Some of them haven’t been used
lately. Of course you know how to set a table? If you’re uncertain look
in the ‘Perfect Lady’s Home Guide.’ It’s in that drawer, I think,—or,
no,—perhaps it’s upstairs,—or maybe I loaned it to Miss
Jennings,—she’s going to be married next week, and she has the
loveliest—
“Oh, Miss Allfriend, don’t begin on the table, now. It’s only three
o’clock, and Mrs. Ritchie’s children are coming to spend the afternoon
with Gladys Gwendolyn. I wish you’d fix up a sort of little party for
them. The Ritchies are new people, and I want the children to have a
good time here. Can’t you telephone to the caterer for some ices and
cakes? Nothing elaborate,—I think children’s parties ought to be kept
simple. Who is our caterer? Why,—well,—the truth is, we haven’t one
just now,—for I scolded Lafetti so that I don’t like to call him again.
You see he was rude because we hadn’t paid—well,—anyway, he was
impertinent,—so—don’t you know of some nice caterer to telephone to?
Order only simple things,—say a Jack Horner pie, with pretty little
gifts in it,—and ices in novel shapes,—and plenty of
bon-bons,—children love candy so.
“But before you do that, please just finish off Gladys Gwendolyn’s
little frock. It’s nearly done, but the seamstress had to leave it to
finish my dinner gown, so you just look after baby’s dress. It only
needs one sleeve set,—and make it a bit larger round the belt,—it’s
too tight for her,—I don’t believe in cramping the little growing
bodies.
“I’m awfully careful with Gladys Gwendolyn. I boil her toys and I bake
her books every day. And won’t you see,—since you’re here,—that she
uses her germicide spray on the even hours, and her antiseptic douche
every other half hour? It is a help to have you here, I’m sure. And I
wish you would entertain the kiddies. Not professionally,—you
know,—just tell them stories and make up games for them. Oh, and be
sure to arrange prizes,—children just love prizes. Are you knacky about
such things? Some people are,—and others are so different!
“Can you play Bridge? I’ve just two tables running over for a rubber at
four, and I’m most sure one lady won’t come! And you look
so,—so,—presentable, I’d be glad if you’d take a hand, if
necessary,—and I’m pretty certain it will be.
“Now I must fly and take my nap. Then I have to go for my short walk. I
have to exercise, or I gain at once. Now please attend to the things
I’ve asked of you. If you standardize, you can easily have time for all.
And in your spare moments, here’s a piece of my cross-stitch
embroidery,—you may as well do a little. Be sure to cross the stitches
the way I do.
“And please answer the telephone when it rings;—oh, say anything you
like. You must have wit enough to know what to say! If you’re qualified
for a Visiting Helper, you ought to know such things!
“And be very careful what you say before Gladys Gwendolyn. I’m bringing
her up in an ethically artistic atmosphere. I want her to come in
contact only with what is true and beautiful. And unless I’m ethically
pure myself, how can I expect her to be? So bear that in mind, Miss
Allfriend.
“Oh, and by the way, our telephone is on a party wire. If you overhear
any interesting gossip, be sure to remember it, and tell me!”