[From Helen's Diary.]
A few evenings ago some gentlemen called to see Edgar. He entertained
them here in our own parlor, and something in their manner produced a
great change in my way of looking at matters.
I had been in a species of revolt against Edgar's way of directing me
how I was to receive the different women who called upon me--how I was
to be very deferential to this one, haughty to that one, and to assume
an easy familiarity with the other, all according to their husbands'
relations to Edgar's business. He seemed to be _making use of me_, and
the sense of being made use of in that way was degrading, especially as
it involved insincerity in my manner toward these women. But when I saw
how these men of wealth and influence treated Edgar, it opened my eyes
to my stupidity. They recognized him in every way as a superior, a man
to be heard with deference, and whose opinions were to be treated with
profound respect.
As I listened and watched, a mingled feeling of exaltation and
humiliation swept over me; exaltation in the thought that this superior
man loved me and had made me his wife, and shame that I had ventured,
even in my own mind, to question his instructions. I resolved then that
I would devote my life to the task of making myself a fit companion for
him, and would never again assume to doubt anything he might say or do.
There will always be things that I cannot understand, of course, but
that is because I am not his equal in ability and knowledge, and I can
at least accept his superior judgment concerning them.
One of the gentlemen was charming, a Mr. Van Duyn. His daughter, Gladys,
was to call upon me the next day, and Edgar had been at great pains to
impress me with the importance of receiving her in just the right way. I
was to wait for her to make all the advances, and to receive them with
becoming appreciation. I almost hated the girl in advance, till I saw
her father. Then that feeling passed away. He is a somewhat grave
gentleman, whose earnestness impresses one. I liked him and decided
that I should like his daughter very much.
After they left, Edgar stood at the window looking down into the streets
below. He seemed to have forgotten me. My heart was so full of pride and
a desire to be with him in everything, that I was oppressed and could
not speak. It seemed to me that we had come to a fork in the road, and I
must decide whether I should go with him, or travel the other path
alone. There already seemed to be a little distance between us. I felt
the tears coming into my eyes, and I went to the window and touched him.
He turned and looked at me with a little smile, but he looked abstracted
and a little sorrowful. I could no longer endure it and I burst into
sobs. He took me at once in his arms and soothed me, but it was in a way
that impressed me with the thought that I was a child to him, who was
irresponsible and needed protection, instead of a woman who shared his
hopes and ambitions and thoughts.
I suddenly threw my arms about him, and begged him to let me help him,
and to make me understand all things that he strove for. The half shadow
on his face disappeared, and a strange gladness took its place. He held
me very close and said solemnly:
"Our life, love and ambition, failure or success, shall be mutual. We
are man and wife--what can mean more?"
I met Miss Van Duyn the next day. I will say little of her. She is a
woman I love. Strangely enough, I _could_ not try a system of
propitiation. I looked at her and thought "This is my equal." She is
neither superior nor inferior to me, and she seemed to know it at once.
She is calm, cold, dignified, with a high-bred trick of hand and head;
sweet toned and fascinating. There is something subtle about her. I was
impressed the moment she entered the room with her immaculateness, her
irreproachableness of thought and feeling. She is a woman who might be
greatly good or greatly wicked I believe--though one instinctively
believes her to be greatly good. There has sprung up between us a
strange intimacy--no familiarity whatever, but a dignified intimacy.
Edgar was at first half amazed, and then held out his arms and said: "I
ought to have known, though, that it would be so; that my wife did not
need experience to make her prized even by the most experienced of
people."
I took luncheon with Miss Van Duyn yesterday. To-night Edgar and I dined
with her at Delmonico's. I am tired and in a sort of maze, but have
felt impelled to write while Edgar was down-stairs, smoking. I hear him
coming down the corridor now. I know his step as well as his voice. This
dinner to-night has affected me peculiarly. It has seemed to open to me
a new life, a life that is almost as desirable as the one I have dreamed
of--the life in the cottage at Thebes, with my editor and his great
plans, and his greater love. It is a life of beauty and intelligence and
luxury. It has impressed me strangely. I have a feeling that perhaps, in
time, even I would not be out of place there--with Edgar who would reign
there. I--
* * * * *
A man is in the doorway. He has stood watching the woman at the table,
who has written on unconscious of his presence, for a moment.
She sits with her delicate face turned half towards him, her graceful,
sunny head bent over the paper, one white hand guiding her pen, the
other resting on the paper.
There is a magnetism, a sweetness, a rare charm and simplicity about
her. And one looks at the man in the doorway, and knows that they are
man and wife, of a truth.