Bland Mr. MORTON has been making one of his little jokes in the shape of
a petition from some more or less imaginary Quakers. These hypothetical
persons pretend to have converted to Christianity and soap some hundreds
of warriors of the wild and bounding Shawnee variety. Of course, for a
basis of evangelical operations on this scale, it is requisite to have
some land on which to erect buildings for moral quarantine. To disinfect
one Shawnee, you need to wash him in at least six waters--to inject his
veins, as it were, with Christian creosote. All this, as Mr. MORTON
justly observed, cannot be done without cost. But perhaps it was worth
it, considering the number of human scalps which were still available
for applications of sweet hair restorer, and balmy magnolia, and which
would by this time have been decorating the lower limbs of members of
the Shawnee profession, if these good Quakers had not turned them from
the improper pursuit of extraneous hair, and read them the commandment
which enjoins them from coveting their neighbor's scalp. Therefore, and
in consideration of the good done by these Quakers, they and Mr. MORTON
thought they ought to have a grant of land to enable them to continue
their lavatory labors.
Mr. MORRILL protested in behalf of the wig-makers of America. This
petition was an insidious blow at one of the most important of our
industries. How could wigs be made unless there were bald heads. And how
wrong it was to divert any class of persons, under the shallow pretence
of making them wiser and better, from the making of bald heads. There
would be the deuce _toupée_ if this kind of thing were to be encouraged,
and their tonsorial constituents would bring them to the Scratch on this
question. He was proud to say that he was an Old Wig. Others might hold
with the hair on this question. He would run with the Shampooers and the
Shawnees.
Mr. CARPENTER, who can see as clearly through a ladder as almost any
body in the Senate, suggested that there were no such Quakers, and that
he didn't believe there were any such Shawnees. It was an evident little
"land-grab," got up by some of Mr. MORTON'S constituents, and the
Quakers were hypothecated to promote it. He did not object to Quakers
occupying lands, but he did object to a Christianized Shawnee. He had
found that a converted Shawnee would steal considerably more than an
unregenerate one, and that he would steal various articles of the toilet
which the wild Shawnee had no use for.
Mr. CAMERON wanted some money for the Pennsylvania soldiers who had come
first to defend the capital. He thought these men ought to be rewarded.
A good many of them had been re-Warded in Philadelphia on election day,
in order to express their political views with more frequency. That was
partly the cause of his being in the Senate, and he wanted something
done.
Mr. THURMAN knew a man in Ohio who had enlisted before any
Pennsylvanian.
Mr. CAMERON did not mean any disrespect to the Senator from Ohio, but
that remark was a condemn lie.
Mr. THURMAN said Mr. CAMERON was another. His man enlisted for the
Mexican war, it was true, and not for the other war. But that slight
error didn't affect the argument.
Mr. SUMNER knew a colored boy who had been attacked with colic when
South-Carolina seceded, on account of his sorrow and shame. It was true
he had been eating green tomatoes, but patriotism was unquestionably the
cause of his colic. He was the first to martyr of the war, and he ought
to have a monument. He regretted to see the accursed spirit of Caste
which confined honors to whites.
Mr. CONKLING said he thought he could suggest a compromise, on a mulatto
from New-York who died in 1858.
Mr. SUMNER called the Eyes and Nose on Mr. CONKLING, and Mr. CONKLING
said his eyes were blue, but his nose was very flat.
Mr. SUMNER thought this would be satisfactory.