There can be no reason to doubt that METHUSELAH was blessed with a
tolerably vigorous constitution. The ordeal through which we pass to
maturity, at present, probably did not belong to the Antediluvian Epoch.
Whooping-cough, measles, scarlet fever, and croup are comparatively
modern inventions. They and the doctors came in after the flood; and the
gracious law of compensation, in its rigorous inflexibility, sets these
over against the superior civilization of our golden age. At a time when
the court-dress of our ancestors was composed of fig-leaves, or of
imperfectly dressed skins--nothing like the Astrachans of the nineteenth
century--it would certainly have been very inconvenient to coddle ailing
infantry through an attack of diphtheria, for example. So bountiful
Nature, then in the first blush of maidenhood, doubtless brought the
long-lived Patriarch through his nine hundred and sixty-nine years
without once calling in the family medical adviser. It is recorded,
however, that he was born and that he died, and he therefore certainly
passed through that stage of existence called Boyhood. And as he was
nearly two hundred years old at the birth of his first-born, it is
reasonable to suppose that the adolescent period was frightfully
prolonged in his case. Just imagine a youngster of a hundred and ten or
fifteen stealing apples or running to fires! The revelations of
ethnology, which is too youthful a science to reveal a great deal, do
not oppose the theory of all matured humanity, to wit, that the animal
boy is the same in all ages and in all races, an Ishmaelite, and Ara, an
Outlaw, hedged in and restrained by laws and customs, it may be, but
innately antagonistic to society.
The Philosophers who have traced humanity through all stages of its
development, from the Aphis creeping on the rose-leaf to the full-grown
specimen in the person of a Member of Congress, have wisely and
invariably omitted all notice of boyhood in their lists of gradations
and transitions. Any thing like a fair examination of this particular
development scatters their doctrines to the four winds. Because the
salient traits to the next higher development, could not part with their
own identity, or send these distinguishing characteristics, in one fell
swoop, through many stages, only to reappear at last in the upper type,
and only between infancy and manhood, and only in one sex. This argument
is overwhelming, and the present purpose is to elucidate it by more
particular examination.
It is proper, in the first place, to gather a blossom from the negative
side of the discussion. Boys are not girls. While dogs, and foxes,
pigeons and ducks, have each a generic term applicable to both sexes,
there is a tacit understanding in civilized localities that boys compose
a distinct genus. They are, in the eye of the law, considered human,
probably because they eventually pass from boyhood to humanity, There is
an old nursery rhyme which marks the distinguishing characteristics of
juvenile members of society with remarkable accuracy:
"What are little girls made of, made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
And every thing nice,
Such are little girls made of.
What are little boys made of, made of?
What are little boys made of?
Snaps and snails
And puppy-dog tails,
Such are little boys made of!"
There is so apparent an air of probability about this terse statement of
the case, that it has satisfied the insatiable curiosity of infantile
minds for long ages. Little girls never doubt it, and little boys never
contradict it. If Paterfamilias has any thoughts upon the subject, he
probably thinks this expenditure of snaps and snails was a great waste
of raw material. Girls may be romps and hoydens, vixens and scolds, but
the sugar and spice will always be detected, and, with all drawbacks
allowed, the little girl is still entitled to Mr. MANTALINI'S cognomen
of "demnition sweetness." At least, this is the universal verdict of
society. From the time when she dons her first _chignon,_ (which _never_
matches the native hair, by the by,) she is nearly angelic, with some
few exceptions, perhaps, _after_ marriage.
In the way of direct proof, to return to the muttons, it may be
observed that the next link to manhood, in the philosopher's chain, is
that highly attractive animal which M. DU CHAILLU has recently
introduced to the general public. The points of resemblance betwixt the
Gorilla and the Boy are numerous and striking. In most cases, the two
animals have an equally pleasing exterior. They both have the ability to
climb giddy heights, inaccessible to any other wingless biped. Their
language is not dissimilar, the same unintelligible chatter being
characteristic of both. As the argument proceeds, it will be seen that
distinctive traits belonging to lower classes of the animal kingdom are
totally extinct in the Gorilla, while they are emphatically visible in
his successor.
Thus, taking the Laughing Hyena as the next illustration, it will be
remembered by all students of GOLDSMITH'S _Animated Nature_, that this
amiable quadruped invariably exercises his risibles when he is crunching
the bones of some other less truculent quadruped. It is "solitary,
cruel, and untamable, digs its food out of graves," cachinnating the
while like a thousand or fifteen hundred of brick. There are other
ravenous beasts in the world; but this one is peculiar in that he laughs
over his work, which is also his pastime. Now, if you wish to hear a Boy
laugh--a horse-laugh, a giant-laugh--just put some other animal, human
or otherwise, through a course of torture. Twist a pig's tail until it
comes out; or, if you don't like the occupation, the Boy will cheerfully
do it--and will drown the squeal of the porker in his own uproarious
merriment. What do you suppose were the age and sex of the inventor of
the game called "Tying a tin kettle to a dog's tail?" And do you suppose
this inventor stood by, in silent gravity, to witness the success of the
experiment? The yelp of the astounded dog, and the clatter of the
kitchen utensil so strangely misplaced, were doubtless swallowed up in
the loud guffaws of the Laughing Hyena on two legs.
Another link is discovered in the person of the useful and ornamental
domestic animal who is popularly supposed to furnish the material for
sausages. The accidental discovery of a suspender-button, or the claw of
a kitten, in the sausage, gave rise to some doubt as to the composition
of this favorite edible; but statisticians usually admit that hogmeat
forms the staple. Doctor KANE speaks in glowing terms of the excellence
of rats when mixed with due proportions of walrus blubber, and cut out
in frozen chunks, probably with a cold-chisel. Why this fierce rodent
should make more savory meat than the innocent kitten, does not appear.
The latter is certainly much nicer to play with, in the ante-mortem
state. But this is a digression. Returning, therefore, not to the
mutton, but to the pork, consider the distinctive habits of both pig and
Boy at meal-time, and see how nearly identical they are. Watch the
innocent in bristles as he places his graceful right paw upon the ear of
corn, while he shells and masticates. Turn to the innocent in
broadcloth, and notice how he clutches the succulent turkey-leg, and how
rapidly he polishes the femoral bone. Throw a second ear of the cereal
in the trough, and observe how promptly the left paw secures it, lest it
should be transformed into lard through the agency of a companion pig.
Place the other turkey-leg, both wings, three slices of breast, the
side-bone and plenty of "stuffin'" within reach of the other embryo, and
notice the glare of his famished eye, if some other plate than his is
presented. You would fancy he had been exploring the route of another
ship-canal across the Isthmus of Darien, and had tasted no food for
twenty-two days.
Neither are the post-prandial habits of the two animals under
consideration dissimilar. The corn-cracker betakes himself to some sunny
spot, where there is abundance of mud, and aids digestion by wallowing.
So does the Boy, especially if he is in dinner costume. If the quadruped
can get into a garden and root up unreplaceable flowers and fruits,
before he retires to his lair, his bliss is perfect. So the Boy; if he
can manage to break two or three windows, tear his best clothes into
ribbons, chase the family cat up a tree with hound, whoop, and halloo,
and then stone her out of it, and, as she with thickened tail scampers
to some more secure retreat, follow her with hoots and missiles--he also
retires, conscious that the day has not been wasted. And, finally, upon
this parallelism betwixt Pig and _Puer_ one patent point of resemblance
may be mentioned. Rouse up a pig, any hour of the day or night, with his
maw full to the gullet, and offer him a little more, another ear of
corn, another bucket of swill, and you will be sure of his prompt
acceptance. And place before a boy, immediately after an astounding
dinner, if you choose, any thing edible, apples, cakes, pudding, or cold
potatoes, and if _his_ maw will not accommodate the additional stowage,
you send for the doctor, knowing that the dear child is ill, that the
symptoms are novel, and that the case is urgent.
The reference to the history of METHUSELAH with which this paper began
was not without a purpose. It was to suggest the inquiry whether or not
the _vim_ which prolonged his days would have sufficed to bring him
through _two_ courses of Boyhood. It is not unusual to hear grown people
talk of "living their youthful days over again;" but the examples of
those who have gone through this ordeal are very rare. The amount of
wear and tear, the expenditure of vital force, involved in the transit
from infancy to manhood cannot be estimated. The abrasions of later life
do not compare with the rubs of Boyhood, because none of the aids of
experience and philosophy are attainable by the tyro, who lives upon his
inherent _vis vitae_, as his kinsman in the frozen zone subsists upon
his own fat during long intervals of torpidity.
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[Illustration: PERSONAL GOSSIP.
(From the daily press.)
"ONE OF OUR BEST POETS AND MAGAZINE WRITERS IS A
CLERK IN A GROCERY OF THIS CITY."]
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