The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium.
I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those
who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth
that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered,
“Ostentation,” and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had
constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he
likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others,
which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he
had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other
excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have
you so?” said Minos; “then pray return into the other world and beget
another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A
dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing
him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could
not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him
back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being
obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty
of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate,
whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit.
The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil
in the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent
his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study
of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made
him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced
a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she
saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great
number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of
a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her
back.
She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works
would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,”
replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue
and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to
stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall
carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for
expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon
earth.” The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his
poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once
lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means
had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew
open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned
this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The
poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a
higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed
him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next
passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and
then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of
taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say
for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in
Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very
well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect
fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of
so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip.
The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better.
Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction;
but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above
mentioned.
A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had
formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long
harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to
inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a
single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his
discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again.
“What! to S---- house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge,
without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very
solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the
right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a
man for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed
himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not
go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that,
though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity
which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed,
and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his
life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had
been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined
himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened,
and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by
him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared
they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them.
He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of
their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to
ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the
back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders
themselves--that they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and
plundered several cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the
command of him who paid us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a
soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a
disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave
fellows indeed,” said Minos; “but be pleased to face about, and obey my
command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should
such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor
people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard
to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries
the service of your own.” The captain answered, in a rage, “D--n me! do
you give me the lie?” and was going to take Minos by the nose had
not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his
followers back the same road they came.
Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death
through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that
they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had
prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave
spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under
my cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos;
“I hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied
the spirit; “but I had another a little better.”--“Very well,” said
Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping
forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him
and pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor--you must take one
step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate
without charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and,
informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public
virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the
utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not
contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place
as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged
to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his
friends, and brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says
Minos: “on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your
great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that,
if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am
sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great
readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good.” The patriot
smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to
enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his
return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards
to seize him and conduct him back.
A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him
before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last
lord mayor.”
It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned
with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very
easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos
declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium.
The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this
fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and
women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor
avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little
virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was
proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself
with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my
lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual
innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both
congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose
beauty no painting of the imagination can describe.