The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases.
We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend
the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was
customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay
their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed
their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not
fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host
replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long
quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons
whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes.
These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are
the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of
the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow
them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in
a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this
behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted
with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was,
because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according
to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had
brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our
lives informed was not lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host;
“I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first
sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what
you want.” “My lord Scrape supply us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure
you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never
lent a shilling without it in his life.” “No, sir,” answered the host,
“and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced
to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This
bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably
hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly
one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to
return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy
years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the
human species again, and take a second trial.” “Sir,” said I, “you tell
me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how
can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered the host, “is
supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you.”
“I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is inflicted on
him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when
he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the
purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it
seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you
observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will
be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so
heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did
to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will
know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now,
if you please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply
you with whatever you desire.”
We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was
an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which
would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of
some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well
apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air,
which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had
formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to
the person who now saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord,
and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and
supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch
the beadle to you. Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with
your privilege at your a--.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who
immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air
and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his
bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly
returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the
porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to
spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused
the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this
reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a
poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe
at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused to subscribe to
my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better
gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable object,
greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment,
which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth
his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave
him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should
make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should
have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned
before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee’d
them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of
our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever
disease we pleased.
We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different
ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits,
being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I
traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose.
At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie
Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the
Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was
tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my
porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn
countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any
farther ceremony.
He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e.,
an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted
him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three
minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out
of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental
languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry
it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business,
he took his leave.
Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop,
which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated,
having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and,
pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he
delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck
of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing
eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to
find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was
ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and,
quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find
out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it
something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and
clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him
he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality
no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the
particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he
informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged.
I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The
house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful
and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore
trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but
short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several
statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all
to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several
modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s cause. I next
mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were
depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the
portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady
in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many
physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by
the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I
believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of
this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I
then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such
exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery
of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions
given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second
apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies.
Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with
a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done
her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the
faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios;
but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great
distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made
no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was
now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or
rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many
pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not
stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and
the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many
questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world;
most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with
a kind of forced smile, she said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on
swimmingly?” I told her they were reported to have done great cures.
She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not
of regular practice; “for, however simple mankind are,” said she, “or
however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner
to being cured by a nostrum.” She then expressed great pleasure at the
account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed
the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very
much delighted to find they had spread into St. James’s; that she
imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had
lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all
notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author
of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to
think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views,
I could never sufficiently own my obligations.” She spoke likewise
greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of
marrying children very young, and without the least affection between
the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued
to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease
who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank.
While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They
were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second
Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly.
I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent,
which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted
the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her
offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to
be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother
and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints
generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them,
when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put
an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the
favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my
fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with
my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after
proceeded on its journey.