_Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD._
_Fal._ Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and
I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, Mistress
Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure 5
of your husband now?
_Mrs Ford._ He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
_Mrs Page._ [_Within_] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
_Mrs Ford._ Step into the chamber, Sir John.
[_Exit Falstaff._
_Enter MISTRESS PAGE._
_Mrs Page._ How now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides 10
yourself?
_Mrs Ford._ Why, none but mine own people.
_Mrs Page._ Indeed!
_Mrs Ford._ No, certainly. [_Aside to her_] Speak louder.
_Mrs Page._ Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. 15
_Mrs Ford._ Why?
_Mrs Page._ Why, woman, your husband is in his old
lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so
rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve’s
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself 20
on the forehead, crying, ‘Peer out, peer out!’ that any
madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility,
and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad
the fat knight is not here.
_Mrs Ford._ Why, does he talk of him? 25
_Mrs Page._ Of none but him; and swears he was carried
out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket;
protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make
another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the 30
knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
_Mrs Ford._ How near is he, Mistress Page?
_Mrs Page._ Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
_Mrs Ford._ I am undone!--the knight is here.
_Mrs Page._ Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and 35
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you!--Away
with him, away with him! better shame than murder.
_Mrs Ford._ Which way should he go? how should I
bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
_Re-enter FALSTAFF._
_Fal._ No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not 40
go out ere he come?
_Mrs Page._ Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch
the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
you might slip away ere he came. But what make you
here? 45
_Fal._ What shall I do?--I’ll creep up into the chimney.
_Mrs Ford._ There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
_Fal._ Where is it?
_Mrs Ford._ He will seek there, on my word. Neither 50
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract
for the remembrance of such places, and goes to
them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
_Fal._ I’ll go out, then.
_Mrs Page._ If you go out in your own semblance, you 55
die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised,--
_Mrs Ford._ How might we disguise him?
_Mrs Page._ Alas the day, I know not! There is no
woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put
on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. 60
_Fal._ Good hearts, devise something: any extremity
rather than a mischief.
_Mrs Ford._ My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford,
has a gown above.
_Mrs Page._ On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big 65
as he is: and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler
too. Run up, Sir John.
_Mrs Ford._ Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and
I will look some linen for your head.
_Mrs Page._ Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight: 70
put on the gown the while. [_Exit Falstaff._
_Mrs Ford._ I would my husband would meet him in
this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford;
he swears she’s a witch; forbade her my house, and hath
threatened to beat her. 75
_Mrs Page._ Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel,
and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
_Mrs Ford._ But is my husband coming?
_Mrs Page._ Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. 80
_Mrs Ford._ We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to
carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
they did last time.
_Mrs Page._ Nay, but he’ll be here presently: let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford. 85
_Mrs Ford._ I’ll first direct my men what they shall do
with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight.
[_Exit._
_Mrs Page._ Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse
him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do, 90
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old, but true,--Still swine eat all the draff. [_Exit._
_Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two SERVANTS._
_Mrs Ford._ Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders: your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it 95
down, obey him: quickly, dispatch. [_Exit._
_First Serv._ Come, come, take it up.
_Sec. Serv._ Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
_First Serv._ I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
_Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS._
_Ford._ Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you 100
any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!--O
you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy
against me: now shall the devil be shamed. --What,
wife, I say!--Come, come forth! Behold what honest 105
clothes you send forth to bleaching!
_Page._ Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to
go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
_Evans._ Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad
dog! 110
_Shal._ Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
_Ford._ So say I too, sir.
_Re-enter MISTRESS FORD._
Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest woman,
the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the
jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, mistress, 115
do I?
_Mrs Ford._ Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect
me in any dishonesty.
_Ford._ Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth,
sirrah! [_Pulling clothes out of the basket._ 120
_Page._ This passes!
_Mrs Ford._ Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
_Ford._ I shall find you anon.
_Evans._ ’Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come away. 125
_Ford._ Empty the basket, I say!
_Mrs Ford._ Why, man, why?
_Ford._ Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: my 130
intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me
out all the linen.
_Mrs Ford._ If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s
death.
_Page._ Here’s no man. 135
_Shal._ By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford;
this wrongs you.
_Evans._ Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
_Ford._ Well, he’s not here I seek for. 140
_Page._ No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
_Ford._ Help to search my house this one time. If I
find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, ‘As
jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s 145
leman.’ Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.
_Mrs Ford._ What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the
old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.
_Ford._ Old woman! what old woman’s that?
_Mrs Ford._ Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford. 150
_Ford._ A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought
to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works
by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as 155
this is, beyond our element: we know nothing. Come
down, you witch, you hag, you; come down, I say!
_Mrs Ford._ Nay, good, sweet husband!--Good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
_Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman’s clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE._
_Mrs Page._ Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your 160
hand.
_Ford._ I’ll prat her. [_Beating him_] Out of my door,
you witch, you hag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon!
out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.
[_Exit Falstaff._
_Mrs Page._ Are you not ashamed? I think you have 165
killed the poor woman.
_Mrs Ford._ Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for
you.
_Ford._ Hang her, witch!
_Evans._ By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed: 170
I like not when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a
great peard under his muffler.
_Ford._ Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus
upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. 175
_Page._ Let’s obey his humour a little further: come,
gentlemen. [_Exeunt Ford, Page, Shal., Caius, and Evans._
_Mrs Page._ Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
_Mrs Ford._ Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat
him most unpitifully methought. 180
_Mrs Page._ I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
_Mrs Ford._ What think you? may we, with the warrant
of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue
him with any further revenge? 185
_Mrs Page._ The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared
out of him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of
waste, attempt us again.
_Mrs Ford._ Shall we tell our husbands how we have 190
served him?
_Mrs Page._ Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find
in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any
further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. 195
_Mrs Ford._ I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
shamed: and methinks there would be no period to the
jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
_Mrs Page._ Come, to the forge with it, then; shape it:
I would not have things cool. [_Exeunt._ 200
NOTES: IV, 2
18: _lunes_] Theobald. _lines_ Ff Q3. _vaine_ (Q1 Q2).
33: _street_] F1 Q3. _streets_ F2 F3 F4.
39: Re-enter F.] Enter. F2.
40: SCENE III. Pope.
43: _pistols_] _Pistol_ Jackson conj.
48: _Creep into the kiln-hole_] Given to Mrs Page by Dyce
(Malone conj.).
55: Mrs Page] (Q1 Q2) Malone. Mist. Ford. Ff Q3.
57: Mrs Ford] om. F2 F3 F4.
62: _a mischief_] _mischief_ F4.
63, 73, 85, 150, and passim: _Brentford_] _Brainford_ (Q1 Q2) Ff Q3.
66: _thrummed_] _thrum’d_ F1 F2 F3. _thrumb_ F4.
89: _him_] F2 F3 F4. om. F1 Q3.
98: _knight_] F1 Q3. _the knight_ F2 F3 F4.
99: _as lief_] F2 F3 F4. _liefe as_ F1 Q3.
100: SCENE IV. Pope.
102: _villain_] _villains_ Dyce.
_Youth in a basket_] _you youth in a basket come out here_
Malone (from Q1 Q2).
103: _ging_] F2 F3 F4. _gin_ F1 Q3 _gang_ Rowe.
104: _shamed_] _ashamed_ F2.
105: _wife_] om. Rowe.
159: _not_] om. F1.
160: SCENE V. Pope.
Re-enter ... clothes] Rowe. Enter Fal. Ff. and Mistress Page] Pope.
163: _hag_] F3 F4. _ragge_ F1. _hagge_ Q3. _rag_ F2.
170: _By yea and no_] _By Jeshu_ (Q1 Q2).
171: _’oman_] _’omans_ Q3.
172: _his_] Ff Q3. _her_ (Q1 Q2) Pope.
175: _trail_] F1 Q3 F2 F3. _Tryal_ F4.
188: _fine_] _find_ Q3.
193: _brains_] _brain_ F3 F4.
197: _period_] _right period_ Hanmer.
198: _the jest_] _jest_ Q3.
199: _it, then; shape it:_] _it, then shape it:_ Ff Q3.