THE COURSE OF REFORMATION
I desire to make Laurence forget what she is, to deceive her in regard
to herself by the genuine friendship I show her. I speak to her only
with gentleness; my words are always grave and carefully chosen.
Whenever she utters any of the slang of the street, I feign not to hear
her. I inculcate the lessons of innocence, and treat her as a sister who
has need of instruction. I oppose a calm and thoughtful life to her
noisy life of the past. I pretend to ignore that this existence is not
hers; I endeavor to be so natural in the imposition that, in the end,
she will doubt that she ever lived otherwise.
Yesterday, in the street, a man insulted her. She was about to return
insult for insult. I did not give her time. I approached the man, who
was intoxicated, and caught him by the wrist, commanding him to respect
my wife.
"Your wife!" cried he, ironically. "I know all about such wives!"
Then, I shook him violently, repeating my order in a sterner tone. He
stammered out something and slunk away, begging pardon. Laurence
silently resumed my arm, apparently confused by the title of wife which
I had bestowed upon her.
I well know that too much austerity is not advisable. I do not hope for
a sudden return to good; I wish to manage a skilful and gradual
transition, which shall prevent her poor, sick eyes from being wounded
by the light. There lies the whole difficulty of the task.
I have noticed that such girls as Laurence, women before their time,
long keep the thoughtlessness and childishness of the infant. They are
wearied and would yet willingly play with the doll. A trifle amuses
them, makes them burst out laughing; they find again, unconsciously, the
astonishment and caressing babble of little girls of five. I have taken
advantage of this observation. I give Laurence gewgaws which make us
great friends for an hour.
You cannot imagine the deep emotion this strange education has awakened
in me. When I think I have made Laurence's dead heart beat, I am tempted
to kneel and thank God. Without doubt, I exaggerate the sanctity of my
mission. I say to myself that the love of a pure creature would sanctify
me less than the devotion this poor girl will some day feel for me.
That day is yet afar off. My companion is embarrassed by my respect for
her. She, whom insults do not affect, colors to the roots of her hair
when I talk to her in a brotherly fashion, intent upon my good work.
Sometimes, I see her hesitate before answering me, apparently doubting
that it was to her I had spoken. She is amazed at not being reproached,
and seems ill at ease because of my delicate attentions. The mask of
innocence, which I have forced her to put on, worries her: she knows not
how to bear esteem. Often I surprise a smile on her lips; she must think
that I am mocking her, and this smile seems to ask me to kindly stop
joking.
In the evening, at bed-time, she puts out the candle before undressing;
she draws over her the corners of the coverings, and takes advantage of
my sleep to leap from her couch in the morning. When she talks, she
selects her words; following my example, she avoids being familiar with
me.
I cannot tell why these precautions disturb me: I see in them more of
constraint than true repentance. I feel that she acts and talks as she
does out of fear of displeasing me, but that, so far as she herself is
concerned, she is indifferent about her behavior and would as soon talk
the language of the markets as not. She cannot have acquired so quickly
a knowledge of her errors. I tell you, brothers, Laurence is afraid of
me: such is the result of a week of respect.
As soon as she rises, she makes a grand toilet; she runs to the
looking-glass and forgets herself there for an hour. She is in haste to
repair the disorders of the night. Her thin locks are let fall, showing
bare places on her head; her cheeks, from which the rouge has been
rubbed, are pale and faded. She knows that she no longer has her
borrowed youth, and is afraid that I will notice its absence should I
turn my gaze upon her. The poor girl, who has lived beneath a coat of
paint, fears lest I should drive her away when I see her without it. She
combs her hair laboriously, puffing out her locks and skilfully
concealing the vacant spots left by those which are gone; she blackens
her eyelashes, whitens her shoulders and reddens her lips. Meanwhile I
keep my back turned towards her, feigning to see nothing of all this.
Then, when she has painted her face and thinks herself sufficiently
young and beautiful, she comes to me smilingly. She is calmer, feeling
certain that she is safe. She offers herself fearlessly to my eyes. She
forgets that I cannot be deceived by the pretty colors she has put on,
and seems to think that when I see them I am satisfied.
I told her in plain words that I preferred fresh water to pomades and
cosmetics. I even went so far as to add that I liked her premature
wrinkles better than the greasy and shining mask she put on her
countenance every day. She did not understand. She blushed, thinking
that I was reproaching her with her ugliness, and since then she has
made increased efforts not to look like herself.
Thus combed and rouged, wrapped in her blue silk dress, she drags
herself from chair to chair, careless and wearied. Not daring to stir
for fear of deranging a fold of her skirt, she generally remains seated
the rest of the day. She crosses her hands, and, with her eyes open,
falls into a sort of waking sleep. Sometimes, she rises and walks to the
window; there she leans her forehead against the icy panes and resumes
her doze.
She was active enough before she became my companion. The agitated life
she then led gave her a feverish ardor; her idleness was noisy and
joyfully accepted the rude tasks set for it. Now, sharing my calm and
studious existence, she has all the laziness of peace without its gentle
and regular work.
I must, before everything else, cure her of carelessness and weariness.
I plainly see that she regrets the strife, confusion and excitement of
her early days, but she is by nature so devoid of energy that she is
afraid to regret them openly. I have told you, brothers, that she fears
me. She does not fear my anger, but she stands in terror of the unknown
being whom she cannot comprehend. She vaguely seizes my wishes and bows
before them, ignorant of their true meaning. Hence she is circumspect in
her conduct without being repentant, and remains serious and tranquil
without ceasing to be idle and lazy. Hence also she thinks that she
cannot refuse my esteem, and, though she is sometimes amazed at it, she
never seeks to be worthy of it.