A DIVIDEND DESERVED.--The Glasgow Town Council has been
running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than
£20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge
rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer
good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the
drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:--
Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to
be the general feeling of the citizens--viz., that the cars, which
necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city,
should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable
for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be
marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.
Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies--Go and do
likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens--Get carried over your tram-lines
often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your
next year's rates!
* * * * *
SUB-LIME!--This is how "business" is transacted by some of the
Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was--who should supply them
with lime!
_Mr. Kennedy._ I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid
for.
_Mr. Loughlan._ I propose that he supply the lime at 1_s._ per barrel.
_Mr. Long_ (_warmly_). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.
_Mr. Loughlan._ You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (_laughter_).
_Mr. Long_ (_excitedly_). Take care of your windpipe (_laughter_). I
suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (_loud laughter_).
_Mr. Loughlan_ (_jumping up excitedly_). Now that is a gross insult.
_The Chairman._ Order, order, gentlemen.
Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"--when
A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen;
And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door,
And the tongues of LONG and LOUGHLAN interested him no more.
* * * * *
PORKERS AND PAUPERS.--Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of
good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork
and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The _Bristol Mercury_ reports a
meeting of the Bath guardians, when
Mr. MANCHIP called attention to the fact that some of the
children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which
was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors
were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel
were taken out to the pigs. Mr. MANCHIP proposed that the
Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest
convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the
children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with
a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed
to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.
Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their
old diet!
* * * * *
For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the
Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them,"
into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions,
so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering
eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir
JOSEPH BARNBY--warbling, _sotto voce_, "This is my time for
disappearing"--greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well
in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the
blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the
pit-y of it."
* * * * *
We read of a cooky at Claughton,
In music she was a self-taught'un;
But her mistress, I fear,
Said 'twas nothing but beer
that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious
enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the
door. We know not whether this melodious _cuisinière's_ recipe for
cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be
found in Mrs. GLASSE'S _Art of Cookery_, but the learned Judge
decided in favour of the mistress, against whom MARY ROGERS (a
poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal.
Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing
and her "mashes" without melody.
* * * * *
When Mr. HENRY MCCALMONT gives "receptions" they will be
styled, not "_soirées_," but "After-Newnes."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
_Duke of W-stm-nst-r_ (_as they come out of the Hall, Chester_).
"EXCELLENT SPEECH, SIR! SO VERY KIND OF YOU TO COME!"
_Mr. G._ "DON'T MENTION IT, DUKE. IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE MORE
THAN ANOTHER, IT'S A NON-POLITICAL MEETING!"]
* * * * *