Just opposite, a very stylish, rather beautiful lady sat next to a
clerical-looking chap.
When the conductor came around for her ticket, she fumbled for her
purse, then grew pale and gasped:
"I've been robbed. There is nothing in my pocket but a piece of orange
peel, some cloves, and a bottle of whiskey."
Then she began to throw the articles on the floor.
"Madam," said the deep bass voice of the clerical-looking chap, "I'll
thank you to take your hands out of my pocket and leave its contents
alone."
Then I began to look around for some other diversion, and got it.
In front of me sat an old gentleman with a man-servant in attendance.
[Illustration]
He was greatly bothered by a fly, which used to go in one ear and out
the other.
You know how they do, sometimes.
The fly had made ten laps, and was comfortably along on its eleventh,
when the old fellow called his servant.
"John," says he, quietly, "catch the little creature as gently as
possible and put it out of the window. Don't hurt it, though, or I shall
be angry."
John, who evidently knew his master's weakness, caught the bothersome
fly and carried it to an open window.
"Ah, master," pleaded he, "just look, it is beginning to rain. Shall I
not give the poor little fly a mackintosh and an umbrella?"
Just then the train stopped at a way station and I got off to get a bite
to eat. As usual, I got left.
While waiting, my attention was attracted to an elderly couple, who had
approached the ticket agent as he came out of his coop.
"Say, boss," says the old man, "can you tell me if the three-fifteen has
left?"
"Oh, yes," says the agent, "it went by ten minutes ago."
"And when will the four-thirty be along, do you think?"
"Not for some time, of course," was the answer.
"Are there any expresses before then?"
"Not one."
"Any freight trains?"
"No."
"Nothing at all?"
"Nothing whatsoever."
"Are you quite sure?"
"Of course I am, or I wouldn't have said so," yelled the agent.
"Then, Maria," says the old man, "if we're quite careful, I guess we can
cross the tracks."
My train arrived a minute before it was scheduled to leave. A kid
stepped up to the conductor.
[Illustration]
"Say, mister, there are two men on this train who came all the way from
New York, and didn't pay any fare."
The conductor thought that some fellows were beating the company and
went through the whole train, but couldn't find any one who didn't have
his proper ticket.
So, seeing the kid, he says:
"Hey, where are the two men?"
"On the engine. The engineer and fireman," shrieked the kid.
After the train got in motion, I suddenly espied my old friend Joe
Dempsey, who is an insurance agent.
"Hello, Joe," says I, "why so glum?"
"Well, you see, Walter," says he, "I proposed to old Billion's daughter
and she refused to have me."
"Well," says I, "that's nothing. There are other girls."
"Yes, of course," says he, "but I can't help feeling sorry for the poor
girl."