"Well," says she, "of late he has become quite attentive. I really think
he means to run away with me."
"I'd like to see him do it," says I.
"Why," says she, "here's an account of a very intrepid photographer, who
took a picture of a wildcat, just as it was about to spring at him."
"That's nothing," says I. "Jimmy Peck has a snap shot of his wife coming
at him with a kettle of boiling water."
[Illustration]
"It says here that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. I
wonder why?"
"Any fool knows that," says I. "When the lightning comes again the place
isn't there to strike."
"Say," says she, "I heard that you spoke to that ugly Mrs. De Fashion
yesterday."
"Yes," I assented.
"She had a new hat on; did you notice what it was like?" says she.
"Well," says I, "it had a cowcatcher front, a battered-down funnel, a
tailboard behind, a flower garden on top, and a job lot of ribbons
streaming down in back. You can easily make one like it."
She soon got tired of trying to cheer me up and quit in disgust. It's a
pretty hard job to cheer me up when I'm down-hearted.
[Illustration]
Just then the bell rang, and the maid announced the doctor. He came in
looking like a big sunflower.
"Sorry, old man, to see you in such a condition last night," says he.
"Bad condition, doctor," says I. "Why, that wasn't a flea bite to the
condition I'm in this morning."
"I called upon Rollins this morning," says he, "and I never saw a man in
such a complete state of mental depression. He says he was out with you
last night. Can't you go around and convince him that his life still
holds some future brightness for him?"
"Doctor," says I, "that's impossible. He's drawn his salary three weeks
in advance and spent it all last night."
"Do you know," says the doctor, "I had a very remarkable experience last
night. A young fellow came to me and said he had swallowed a cent and I
made him cough up two dollars."
[Illustration]
That doctor has a son that beats anything you ever heard tell of. He has
made all his money on apples.
No, he don't grow them. He's a doctor.
It's little green apples I'm talking about now.
When leaving, the doctor told me I must take to automobiling and I would
soon get well. I told my wife about it.
"Doc is simple to throw money away like that," says she.
"Don't worry about that," says I. "He charges double price for surgical
visits."
"Well," says she, "with all his faults, Dr. Brown has never had a
patient die on his hands."
[Illustration]
"Get out," says I, "is that so?"
"Yes," says she. "When he sees that they are doomed, he sends them to a
specialist.
"Oh, Walter!" says she. "By the way, are we all out of debt?"
"Thank Heaven, we are," I replied.
"Then let's give a swell dinner."
"But that would throw us into debt again."
"Of course it would, but what is the use of having good credit unless
you can use it?"
I suppose after that I ought to sing you my latest howling success,
entitled "No New Proverbs for Your Willie Boy; or, Some of the
Fifty-seven."
[Illustration]
They say that if you have too many cooks
You ruin your Sunday joint;
But if you give them nothing to cook
The proverb loses its point.
They say that if you're a rolling stone
You'll pass through the poorhouse door;
But Germany's doing a roaring trade,
And her travelers say they'll do more.
They say that if you go early to bed
You'll prosper, if early you'll rise;
But if you held gas shares, and other folks
Did the same, would that be so wise?
They say that you shouldn't throw stones about
If your house is made of glass;
But if it's insured for more than its worth
The proverb will hardly pass.
The point is just this: that proverbs, though wise,
Are changed by modern inventions;
And to add to this bushel of old-time lies
Would give rise to mighty dissentions.
[Illustration]
Say, do you know I'm always afraid to carry that song about with me, for
fear that some burglar will follow me home and steal it while I'm
asleep.
The truth is I'm somewhat afraid of burglars.
The other night my wife woke me up and said:
"Walter, Walter, there are burglars in the house."
"All right, just take a light and turn them out," says I.
"I'm afraid they might run away with me," says she.
"No fear of that if you take a light," says I. "By the way, dear, do you
knew that a Washington man was shot by a burglar and his life was saved
by a pajama button, which the bullet struck?"
"Well, what of it?" says she.
"Nothing," says I, "except that the button must have been on."
Well, she wailed and went on so bad, that I had to go down and see what
the racket was.