"You confounded scoundrel," I says, "what do you mean by assulting me?"
"Assulting you?" says he; "you wanted some of the usual and you got it
good and hard, but let me sell you some of my medicine for swollen arms.
It's the best thing in the world for such cases."
Did you ever notice what a lot of trouble a simple, little girl may
make? Oh! you girls. You're never happy unless you're making some poor
lobster show how much money he has, by blowing it in on you.
[Illustration]
You know, though, girls, I appreciate you, if no one else does.
If it weren't for you, I'll bet a dollar to Rockfeller's oil-can that
none of the young fellows I see here to-night would have ever thought
of coming here.
Now I'm going to sing you a little warble entitled:
"What a Surprisingly Fresh Man That Jones Is; or, I'd Like to Meet Him
Outside."
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
Many a man has often cussed,
For only an innocent maid;
Many a bank has gone in the dust,
For just an innocent maid;
Many a judge has not been just,
To only an innocent maid;
Many a saint went on a bust,
For just an innocent maid.
Cho. When Johnny goes to his lady's house
She greets him with a smile;
At once she starts the glim to douse
So he can propose in style.
Many a milkman has got the sack,
For only an innocent maid;
Many a dude has been knocked on his back,
For just an innocent maid;
Many a doctor has had to quack,
For only an innocent maid;
Many a dollar is won on the track,
For just an innocent maid.
Cho. When Johnny takes her to the altar,
He may think it's for his good,
In his opinion soon he'll falter,
When she makes him split the wood.
Many a cop has left his beat,
For only an innocent maid;
Many a gambler has had to cheat,
For just an innocent maid;
Many a commuter has given his seat,
To only an innocent maid;
Many a lover has known pa's foot,
For just an innocent maid.
Cho. Johnny thinks he's caught a prize,
When he's only been married a week;
But when she feeds him on apple pies,
He feels like taking a sneak.
[Illustration]
Did you hear that peculiar toot the fellow with the big horn gave when I
finished up?
That means "Rotten" in his low vocabulary. He's got a grudge against me.
Once, when he didn't occupy his present high position, he came to me and
wanted me to stake him the price of the horn he just insulted me with.
"What!" says I. "Are you going to learn to be a blower? Don't you think
you are nuisance enough already?"
You see, I wanted to save the money. He stood firm though, and I had to
cough up.
About a week later he came around looking a perfect wreck. His eye was
closed, his head bandaged, and his clothes in shreds.
[Illustration]
"What's the matter?" says I. "Couldn't you manage the horn."
"Well, you see, Brother Jones," says he, "I could manage the horn all
right, but I could not manage the neighbors."
This same fellow is a bird fancier. He breeds all kinds of birds.
I asked him to blow me to a small hot bird and a cold bottle now that
he was so wealthy, and the stare he gave me was so cold that it froze
the highball I carry in my pocket flask.