4. The London Diocesan Church Schools. (At this point I rather lost my
head and answered, "D---- the London Diocesan Church Schools.")
My impiety offended the Bishop (I assume it was a Bishop), and he,
rather unfairly, must have incited the gods to take sides against me.
In a lucid interval, while I was doing a call of my own, the operator,
without giving me any warning, switched me on to the supervisor. This
must have been an inspiration from Olympus. However I was equal to the
emergency; nay, took advantage of it. Experience has taught me that it
is always best to talk to the person you get, whether you want that
person or not. So I explained to the supervisor that I was a busy man,
although the rumour which ascribed to my shoulders the War Office, the
Timber Control and the L.D.C.S. was, at the moment, unfounded.
She played up magnificently; took my number, my name, my address, the
date, the time of the day, how many times I had been rung up, whom by
and when, and was going to ask me the date of my birth and whether I
was married or single, when I protested. Then she calmed down and said
she would have my line seen to.
The game seemed to be going well; but again I was beaten by a swift
stroke. My bell rang.
"Telephone Engineering Department speaking," it said. "We have
received a report that your line is out of order. We are sending a
man and hope he will finish the job before luncheon."
This was the end, as anyone knows who has ever got into the clutches:
of the Telephone Engineering Department.
"Please," I said (my spirit was quite broken)--"please, for God's
sake, don't send a man. Not this morning at any rate. Put it off,
there's a good fellow."
"But I thought there was something wrong--"
"Oh, no, not at all. It's a hideous mistake. My line never behaved
better in its life. It's a positive joy to me."
I have it on Mr. BALFOUR'S authority that all truth cannot be told at
all times. But I had lost the set.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE THIRST FOR EDUCATION.
_Mother_. "Wot's all this 'ubbub goin' on indoors?"
_Daughter_. "Baby's bin and licked 'Erbert's 'ome lessons orf 'is
slate."]
* * * * *
"On Friday, March 7th, Messrs. ----, on the instructions of
the executors of the late Mr. ----, are selling by auction in
pneumonia and acute influenzal pneu-built cottages situate in
Chapel Street."--_Provincial Paper_.
Personally we were not bidding.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Staff Officer (accustomed to staff-car pace)._ "HERE,
CABBY--LET ME OUT. I'D RATHER WALK."
_Antique Jehu (who thinks he has to do with a "shell-shock" case)._
"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I'M GOING VERY CAREFUL."
_S.O._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF SOMETHING RUNNING INTO US FROM
BEHIND."]
* * * * *