The Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.
Mr. Wiggins was so intoxicated with love, brandy-and-water and cigars,
that he scarcely knew how he reached home. He only remembered that he
was very dizzy, and that his charming widow--his guide and friend--had
remonstrated with him upon the elevation of his style, and the
irregularity of his progression.
With his head in his hand, and a strong "dish of tea" without milk,
before him, he was composing himself for business the following morning,
when an unexpected visitor was announced.
"Please, sir, there's Mrs. Warner's 's boy as wants to speak vith you,"
said his landlady.
"Show him up," languidly replied our lover, throwing his aching head from
his right to his left hand.
"Vell, Jim, vot's the matter!" demanded he--"How's your missus?"
"She ain't no missus o' mine no longer," replied Jim.
"How?"
"I tell you vot it is, sir, she promised to give me a shillin'-aweek an'
my feed; an' she ain't done vun thing nor t' other; for I'm bless'd if I
ain't starved, and ain't seen the color of her money sin' I bin there.
Father's goin' to summon her."
"It's some mistake, sure?"
"It's no mistake tho'," persisted Jim, "an' I can tell you she ain't got
a farden to bless herself vith!--an' she's over head-and-ears in debt
too, I can tell you; an' she pays nobody--puttin' 'em all off, vith
promises to pay wen she's married."
"My heye!" exclaimed the excited Wiggins, thrown all a-back by this very
agreeable intention upon his funds.
"More nor that, sir," continued the revengeful Jim, "I know she thinks as
she's hooked a preshus flat, an' means to marry you outright jist for vot
she can get. An' von't she scatter the dibs?--that's all; she's the
extravagantest 'ooman as hever I came anigh to."
"But, (dear me! ) she has a good stock--?"
"Dummies, sir, all dummies."
"Dummies?"
"Yes, sir; the sugars on the shelves is all dummies--wooden 'uns, done up
in paper! The herrin' tub is on'y got a few at top--the rest's all
shavins an' waste.--There's plenty o' salt to be sure--but the werry
soap-box is all made up."
"And so's my mind!" emphatically exclaimed the deluded Wiggins, slapping
the breakfast-table with his clenched fist.
"Jim--Jim--you're a honest lad, and there's half-a-crown for you--"
"Thank'ye for me, sir," said the errand-boy, grinning with delight--"
and--and you'll cut the missus, Sir!"
"For ever!--"
"Hooray! I said as how I'd have my rewenge!" cried the lad, and pulling
the front of his straight hair, as an apology for a bow, he retreated
from the room.
"What an escape!" soliloquized Wiggins-- "Should n't I ha' bin properly
hampered? that's all. No more insinniwating widows for me!--"
And so ended the Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.