AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS—AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, AND A
CALCULATION.
The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were
favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on an
affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small pamphlet;
and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he directed our
attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem that Leaplow was
on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse. The periods and dates
of the phenomenon (if that can be called a phenomenon which was of too
frequent occurrence) had been calculated, with surprising accuracy, by
the Academy of Leaphigh, and sent, through its minister, as an especial
favor, to our beloved country in order that we should not be taken by
surprise. The account of the affair read as follows:—
“On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the commencement
of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the monikin region which
lies immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse will be the
great moral postulate usually designated by the term Principle; and the
intervening body will be the great immoral postulate, usually known as
Interest. The frequent occurrence of the conjunction of these two
important postulates has caused our moral mathematicians to be rather
negligent of their calculations on this subject of late years; but, to
atone for this inexcusable indifference to one of the most important
concerns of life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay
unusual attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this
phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated
with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results.
“The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in
contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in
question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17 m.
from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue will
instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty,
disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in succession,
beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending with all the
limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of contact.
The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will first be deepened by
the approach of prosperity, and this will be soon succeeded by the
contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1s.; and in
exactly 2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great moral postulate of
Principle will be totally hid from view. In consequence of this early
passage of the darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the
passages of the respective shadows of ambition, hatred, jealousy, and
all the other minor satellites of Interest, will be invisible.
“The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the Republic
of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and virtues are
perhaps better qualified to resist its influence than any other. The
time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s. Principle
will begin to reappear to the moral eye at the end of this period,
first by the approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being much less
dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect views of the
obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will not be
completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose chastening
colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible, although through
a sombre medium. To resume:
“Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M.
Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of eclipse.
Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse.
End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning.
Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s.”
I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing
remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day affair;
but the precision with which it had been calculated added to its other
phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse into the
future, I now began to perceive the immense difference between living
consciously under a moral shadow, and living under it unconsciously.
The latter was evidently a trifle compared with the former. Providence
had most kindly provided for our happiness in denying the ability to
see beyond the present moment.
Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me, with a
rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast drawing near
to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the commencement of a
natural night of six months’ duration; and although the benevolent
substitute of steam might certainly in some degree lessen the evil,
that it was a furious evil, after all, to exist for a period so weary
without enjoying the light of the sun. He found the external glare of
day bad enough, but he did not believe he should be able to endure its
total absence. “Natur’ had made him a ‘watch and watch’ critter. As for
the twilight of which so much was said, it was worse than nothin’,
being neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he liked things
‘made out of whole cloth.’ Then he had sent the ship round to a distant
roadstead, in order that there might be no more post-captains and
rear-admirals among the people; and here had he been as much as four
days on nothing but nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey,
but he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the philosophy of
a man. Things were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little
pork—he cared not who knew it; it might not be very sentimental, he
knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur’ was pretty much pork; he
believed most men had, in some way or other, more or less pork in their
human natur’s; nuts might do for monikin natur’, but human natur’ loved
meat; if monikins did not like it, monikins need not eat it; there
would be so much the more for those who did like it—he pined for his
natural aliment, and as for living nine years in an eclipse, it was
quite out of the question. The longest Stunnin’tun eclipses seldom went
over three hours—he once knew Deacon Spiteful pray quite through one,
from apogee to perigee. He therefore proposed that Sir John and he
should resign their seats without delay, and that they should try to
get the Walrus to the north’ard as quick as possible, lest they should
be caught in the polar night. As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished
him no better luck than to remain where he was all his life, and to
receive his eight dollars a day in acorns.”
Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to
record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more
strongly attracted by the demeanor of the brigadier, than by the
jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he were not well, our
worthy colleague answered plaintively, that he mourned over the
misfortune of his country.
“I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the minor
motives, across the disc of the great moral postulate, Principle; but
an occultation of its light by a pecuniary Interest, and for so long a
period, is fearful! Heaven only knows what will become of us!”
“Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of the
social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you seem to
have so much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as it
at first appeared to be.”
“You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse
itself, which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character of
the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers hold
that the entire system of which we are but insignificant parts, is
based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The premises, or
postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral guides in the
management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they are lost sight of,
as will be the case during these frightful nine years that are to come,
we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. Now selfishness is only
too formidable when restrained by Principle; but left to its own
grasping desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral perspective is
terrible. We are only too much addicted to turn our eyes from
Principle, when it is shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory,
before us; it is not difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the
consequences which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration.”
“You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought to
be respected in the control of monikin affairs?”
“Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of
prey?”
“I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the
notions of the political economists of the social-stake system.”
“As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake
system supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and prominent
interest in society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs
wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be true, if those great
principles which lie at the root of all happiness were respected; but
unluckily, the stake in question, instead of being a stake in justice
and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely a stake in property. Now,
all experience shows that the great property-incentives are to increase
property, protect property, and to buy with property those advantages
which ought to be independent of property, viz., honors, dignities,
power, and immunities. I cannot say how it is with men, but our
histories are eloquent on this head. We have had the property-principle
carried out thoroughly in our practice, and the result has shown that
its chief operation is to render property as intact as possible, and
the bones, and sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its
slaves. In short, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt
from contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. But it is
quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that cry in the
streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is beginning to be
obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too much practical
information.”
The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found that,
in truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that we were
on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the basest and
most sordid of all motives, pecuniary Interest.
The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in the
language of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin’s mouth,
while the word Principle, as indeed was no more than suitable, seemed
to be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local
term into English, half of the vernacular of the country appeared to be
compressed into the single word “dollar.”
“Dollar—dollar—dollar”—nothing but “dollar! Fifty thousand
dollars—twenty thousand dollars—a hundred thousand dollars”—met one at
every turn. The words rang at the corners—in the public ways—at the
exchange—in the drawing-rooms—ay, even in the churches. If a temple had
been reared for the worship of the Creator, the first question was, how
much did it cost? If an artist submitted the fruits of his labors to
the taste of his fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among the
spectators, touching its value in the current coin of the republic. If
an author presented the offspring of his genius to the same arbiters,
its merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who had
made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his
countrymen, by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of the
god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that his
proposition involved a considerable outlay, while it did not clearly
show much was to be gained by going to heaven!
Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations, for
all the acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in many years
of travel, were now found to be worse than useless. If my honorable
colleague and covoyager ventured a remark on the subject of foreign
policy, a portion of politics to which he had given considerable
attention, it was answered by a quotation from the stock market; an
observation on a matter of taste was certain to draw forth a nice
distinction between the tastes of certain liquors, together with a
shrewd investigation of their several prices; and once, when the worthy
monikin undertook to show, from what struck me to be singularly good
data, that the foreign relations of the country were in a condition to
require great firmness, a proper prudence, and much foresight, he was
completely silenced by an antagonist showing, from the last sales, the
high value of lots up town!
In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not resolve
itself into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges. The
infatuation spread from father to son; from husband to wife; from
brother to sister; and from one collateral to another, until it pretty
effectually assailed the whole of what is usually termed “society.”
Noah swore bitterly at this antagonist state of things. He affirmed
that he could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but every monikin
that passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, small as it was;
and that Stunin’tun, though a scramble-penny place as any he knew, was
paradise to Leaplow, in the present state of things.
It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues grew
dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye gradually got
to be accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow of pecuniary
interest. I involuntarily shuddered at the open and undisguised manner
in which individuals, who might otherwise pass for respectable
monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually employed in effecting
their objects, and laid bare their utter forgetfulness of the great
postulate that was hid. One coolly vaunted how much cleverer he was
than the law; another proved to demonstration that he had outwitted his
neighbor; while a third, more daring or more expert, applied the same
grounds of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of
cunning; that of dissimulation; another of deception, and all of
success!
The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected with
monikin life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the government
was perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, and not justice
and security, was the object; holy wedlock fast took the aspect of
buying and selling, and few prayed who did not identify spiritual
benefits with gold and silver.
The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in
Leaplow. Many of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted,
“Property is in danger!” as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir Joseph
Job, and dark allusions were made to “revolutions” and “bayonets.” But
certain proof of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow of
pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, was to be found in the
language of what are called the “few.” They began to throw dirt at all
opposed to them, like so many fish-women: a sure symptom that the
spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From much experience, I
hold this sign to be infallible, that the sentiment of aristocracy is
active and vigilant. I never yet visited a country in which a minority
got into its head the crotchet it was alone fit to dictate to the rest
of its fellow-creatures, that it did not, without delay, set about
proving its position, by reviling and calling names. In this particular
“the few” are like women, who, conscious of their weakness, seldom fail
to make up for the want of vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to
the vigor of the tongue. The “one” hangs; the “many” command by the
dignity of force; the “few” vituperate and scold. This is, I believe,
the case all over the world, except in those peculiar instances in
which the “few” happen also to enjoy the privilege of hanging.
It is worthy of remark that the terms, “rabble,” “disorganizers,”
“jacobins,” and “agrarians,” [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to
tell the intelligent reader there is no proof that any political
community was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian
laws, in the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of
narrow-minded politicians to represent them ever since the revival of
letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially
differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps the
similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies. Those
who feel an interest in this subject would do well to consult Niebuhr.
NOTE BY THE EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow,
under this malign influence, with precisely the same justice,
discrimination, and taste, as they had been used by my ancestor in
London, a few years before. Like causes notoriously produce like
effects; and there is no one thing so much like an Englishman under the
property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering under the same malady.
The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the
shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our notice.
Patriots who had long been known for an indomitable resolution to
support their friends, openly abandoned their claims on the rewards of
the little wheel, and went over to the enemy; and this, too, without
recourse to the mysteries of the “flapjack.” Judge People’s Friend was
completely annihilated for the moment—so much so, indeed, as to think
seriously of taking another mission—for, during these eclipses, long
service, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the other bland
qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing, when weighed in the scale
against profit and loss. It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was,
in its essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who
bought and sold land by the inch, pushed even that interest before the
public again by insisting that a few millions should be expended in
destroying the munitions of war, lest the nation might improvidently be
tempted to make use of them in the natural way. The cruisers were
accordingly hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, the
gun-barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were
converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After
this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced state of
civilization had rendered all future wars quite out of the question.
Indeed, the impetus that was given, by the effects of the shadow, in
this way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable as were its
contrary tendencies on humanity in detail.
Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was acting
under the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by
rent-rolls. The affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposition,
appropriated to themselves the sole use of the word respectable, while
taste, judgment, honesty, and wisdom, dropped like so many heirlooms
quietly into the possession of those who had money. The Leaplowers are
a people of great acuteness, and of singular knowledge of details.
Every considerable man in Bivouac soon had his social station assigned
him, the whole community being divided into classes of
“hundred-thousand-dollar monikins”—“fifty-thousand-dollar
monikins”—“twenty-thousand-dollar monikins.” Great conciseness in
language was a consequence of this state of feeling. The old questions
of “is he honest?” “is he capable?” “is he enlightened?” “is he wise?”
“is he good?” being all comprehended in the single interrogatory of “is
he rich?”
There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I had
not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without exception,
showed a singular predilection in favor of what is commonly called a
strong government; being not only a republic, but virtually a
democracy, I found that much the larger portion of this highly
respectable class of citizens, were not at all backward in expressing
their wish for a change.
“How is this?” I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted; for
his advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this
particular crisis—“how is this, my good friend? I have always been led
to think trade is especially favorable to liberty; and here are all
your commercial interests the loudest in their declamations against the
institutions.”
The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for his
spirits appeared to have quite deserted him.
“There are three great divisions among politicians,” he said—“they who
do not like liberty at all—they who like it, as low down as their own
particular class—and they who like it for the sake of their
fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by means of
combinations; the second is a very irregular corps, including, as a
matter of course, nearly everybody, but is wanting, of necessity, in
concert and discipline, since no one descends below his own level; the
third are but few, alas, how few! and are composed of those who look
beyond their own selfishness. Now, your merchants, dwelling in towns,
and possessing concert, means, and identity of interests, have been
able to make themselves remarkable for contending with despotic power,
a fact which has obtained for them a cheap reputation for liberality of
opinion; but, so far as monikin experience goes—men may have proved to
be better disposed—no government that is essentially influenced by
commerce has ever been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic.”
I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the
other remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the
justice of my friend’s distinction, at the same time I could not but
observe how much more the minds of men are under the influence of names
and abstractions than under the influence of positive things. To this
opinion the brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at the same
time, that a well-wrought theory had generally more effect on opinion
than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the circumstance of
monikins having a besetting predisposition to save themselves the
trouble of thinking.
I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of
Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means safe
to depend on one’s own motives, for two sufficient reasons; first, that
we did not always know what our own motives were; and secondly,
admitting that we did, it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our
friends would believe them what we thought them to be ourselves. In the
present instance, every monikin seemed perfectly aware of the
difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to attribute
some moral enormity as his governing reason, he prudently adopted a
moderately selfish inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with a
simplicity and frankness that generally obtained credit. Indeed, the
fact once conceded that the motive was not offensively disinterested
and just, no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of his
friend, who usually rose in estimation, as he was found to be
ingenious, calculating, and shrewd. The effect of all this was to
render society singularly sincere and plain-spoken; and one
unaccustomed to so much ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the
cause, might, plausibly enough, suppose, at times, that accident had
thrown him into an extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES,
who, as it is commonly expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow
that, had it been the fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should
often have been concerned for their contents; for sentiments so purely
unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the influence of the
shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was pleasant, to
think of the relations between meum and tuum, as well as of the
unexpected causes by which they were sometimes disturbed.
A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the
representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals would
certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a contretemps connected
with this affair of motives. The individual in question had lately
performed that which, in most other countries, and under other
circumstances, would have passed for an act of creditable national
feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was eagerly presented
to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of his utter unfitness to
be intrusted with their interests. The friends of the candidate took
the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of the Perpendiculars,
affirming that their monikin had been well paid for what he had done.
In an evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by means of a
handbill, in which he stated that he had been influenced by no other
motive than a desire to do that which he believed to be right. Such a
person was deemed to be wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter
of course, he was defeated; for your Leaplow elector was not such an
ass as to confide the care of his interests to one who knew so little
how to take care of his own.
About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in which
the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of patriotism, and
the labor of his pen was incontinently damned for his pains; both pit
and boxes—the galleries dissenting—deciding that it was out of all
nature to represent a monikin incurring danger in this unheard-of
manner, without a motive. The unhappy wight altered the last scene, by
causing his hero to be rewarded by a good, round sum of money, when the
piece had a very respectable run for the rest of the season, though I
question if it ever were as popular as it would have been, had this
precaution been taken before it was first acted.