A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY—DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION—A CALCULATION—A
SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS—HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT.
I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess,
I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal
Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper
place in society. I was the more incited to make the change by the
representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was sufficient
to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in Leaplow, and
that I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill-treatment I had
received in the one in which I now was. After talking over the matter,
therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to the
Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our passports, and to offer, at
the same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People’s Friend might
have prepared for his government—it being the custom of the Leaplowers
to trust to these godsends in carrying on their diplomatic
correspondence.
We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut,
certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night at
court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to see
us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention to
sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked a
passage for himself, with republican simplicity.
There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said,
and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, although
everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect republican
propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly how, but
SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If I
could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it a great
personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance would be
well received by the party. Although I did not very well understand
what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so kindly, I
very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately occupied by
my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I
was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer was, the instant
the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor. It might be within
half an hour. Hereupon Judge People’s Friend begged I would have the
goodness to wait until he could hunt up a charge d’affaires. His
instructions were most peremptory never to leave the legation without a
charge d’affaires; but he would just brush his bob, and run into the
street, and look up one in five minutes, if I would promise to wait so
long. It would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the
promise was given. The judge must have run as fast as his legs would
carry him; for, in about ten minutes, he was back again, with a
diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The
three first to whom he offered the place had plumply refused it, and,
indeed, he did not know but he should have a quarrel or two on his
hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one who could get nothing
else to do, and he pinned him on the spot.
So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, most
unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably
proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the
representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political
ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses—one for every-day wear,
and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended substitute,
that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to an amputation,
or he could not possibly confer the appointment, queues being
proscribed at home by both public opinions, the horizontal and the
perpendicular. To this the candidate objected, that he very well knew
the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he had seen his excellency
himself going to court with a singularly apparent brush; and he had
supposed from that, and from sundry other little occurrences he did not
care to particularize, that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their
notions but they could act on the principle of doing at Rome as is done
by the Romans. To this the judge replied, that this principle was
certainly recognized in all things that were agreeable, and that he
knew, from experience, how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around
him went in cauda; but that tails were essentially anti-republican,
and, as such, had been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the
Great Sachem did not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as
he would; and if it were known that a public charge offended in this
particular, although he might be momentarily protected by one of the
public opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the
opposition public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn
of the little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal
oftener than was either profitable or convenient.
Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed
the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he
was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade;
which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case
with a great many of that eminently original people, when they got
without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge People’s Friend was
now perfectly delighted. He told us this was exactly what he could most
have wished for. “Here is a bob,” said he, “for the horizontals and
perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for his majesty
and his majesty’s first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, more
especially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very
thing in our diplomacy.” Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge
made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to
give his substitute the usual instructions.
“You are on all occasions,” he said, “to take the utmost care not to
offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by
advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute,
you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be so
particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, abandon
republicanism—yea, sacred republicanism itself!—knowing that it can
easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to remember there
is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on
any subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may
happen to be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of
possessing that quality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home,
take especial heed to eschew vulgarity—if you can. You will have the
greatest care, also, to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and
the longest tail in all your public relations, this being one of the
most important of the celebrated checks and balances of our government.
Our institutions being expressly formed by the mass, for the particular
benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to let the claims
of any one citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that
harmony which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to
maintain with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed
themselves to consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the
traces of the state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any
individual being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower
become troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in
order to effect that object with your own single-minded and
right-loving countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life
on it, both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is
nothing on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute
deference which they pay to foreign public opinions—and this the more
especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by
deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to be
in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers of
the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at home.
I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never seen
Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write for the
journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by
which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or one who can
state things in your own way, who is already half paid for his
services, and who will not be likely to make blunders by meddling with
distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found, let him
drop a line now and then in favor of your own sagacity and patriotism;
and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me, it will do
no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more readily. In order
to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR
freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the only qualification
of citizenship in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and
then proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it
H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be
patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your
country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying that
the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you should say
this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, that you think
the former fitted for nothing else, it will be particularly agreeable
and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy.
You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive on
the point of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend
them; but this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating,
for our polity being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a
dignified confidence in the potency of that fundamental principle, nor
in any way lessen the high character that reason already enjoys, by
giving any one cause to suspect you think reason is not fully able to
take care of itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural
tendencies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great
objects of diplomacy—being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating,
and, above all, of a foreign disposition—I think you will be able to
get on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign
dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes
on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign
interests in this part of the world.”
Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well
satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then
said—
“That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to take
leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, and
detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, to
protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize he might draw
in the next turn of the little wheel!”
We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then
informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our
appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge undertaking
to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in
their stead.
The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some
private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the
ship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to the
notice of these two worthies.
“It would be a ra’al sin, Sir John,” commenced the captain, “to neglect
an occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry ten
thousand immigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over
to Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I’m
resolved, at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise
you, as owner, to look out for suthin’ to pay port-charges with, to say
the least.”
“The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of the
state of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult some
inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. Here is the
Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience
and judgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has to say
about it.”
“I dabble very little in merchandise,” returned the brigadier; “but, as
a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh
manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions.”
“Have you any of these opinions for sale?” I inquired of the broker.
“Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities—from the very lowest to the
very ’ighest prices—those that may be had for next to nothing, to those
that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them ready
packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to
Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each
other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, provided
they were properly assorted, to carry all before them for the season.”
Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into an
adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots of the
manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading the
inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several bundles
that had “Opinions on Free Trade” written on their labels, I asked the
brigadier what he thought of that article.
“Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were
settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand
for them now.”
“You are quite right, sir,” added the broker; “we did send large
invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly bought
up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over again, and
sold as of ’ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are now shipped
for Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain
value.”
“‘Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General’:
I should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?”
“Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powers
on ’em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to
Leaplow; though what they does with ’em there, I never could say,
seeing they are all government monikins in that queer country.”
An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:—
“To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these articles
with some eagerness. I can only account for it, by supposing they think
differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them more enlightened
and peculiar.”
“I’ll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is sure
of sale. ‘Opinions on Events’: what can possibly be done with these?”
“That depends a little on their classification,” returned the
brigadier. “If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a certain
value, they cannot be termed of current value; but if they refer to the
events of all the rest of the earth, take them for heaven’s sake! for
we trust altogether to this market for our supplies.”
On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the least
fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue.
“‘Opinions on Domestic Literature.’”
“You may buy all he has; we use no other.”
“‘Opinions on Continental Literature.’”
“Why, we know little about the goods themselves—but I think a selection
might answer.”
I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture.
“‘Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.’”
“Ah! it is proper I should explain,” put in the broker, “that we has
two varieties of them ’ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as is
got up by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most
approved models; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that is
really manufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour stamp.
That’s all—I never deceives a customer—both sell well, I hear, on the
other side, ’owever.”
I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took the
whole hundred bales.
“‘Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.’”
“Why, them ’ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors.
They came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; though I
have known ’em sent to Leaplow, with success.”
“The consumers of this article among us,” observed the brigadier, “are
very select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. But then
they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new importation
would pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very generally to the
old fashions in this article, not even admitting the changes produced
by time. There was an old manufacturer called Whiterock, who has a sort
of Barlow-knife reputation among us, and it is not easy to get another
article to compete with his. Unless they are very antiquated, I would
have nothing to do with them.”
“Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of
that ’ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the
better it sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run at
’ome.”
“I’ll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a
bale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we
here?—‘opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.’”
“Take them,” said the brigadier, promptly.
“This ’ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market,”
added the broker, giggling. “Wast lots of these things go across
yearly—and I don’t find that any on ’em ever comes back.”
“‘Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.’”
“I believe I’ll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, if
you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this
manufacture?”
“Lots on ’em, sir—and they DO sell so! That ’ere are a good harticle
both at ’ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!”
“This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your readiness
to take an interest!”
“To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country.”
“Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and
the last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended our
previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved not
only on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social condition
generally.”
“We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John
Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I will take a share in the investment
in ‘Opinions on the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,’
especially if they treat at large on the deformities of the government,
while they allow us to be genteel. This is the true notch—some of these
goods have been condemned because the manufacturers hadn’t sufficient
skill in dyeing.”
“You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it these
said opinions come from some very well-known and approved manufactory?”
“All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing—everything sells,
’owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over ’ere, that the
Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, it
would really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these harticles,
that they does take from us without higgling!”
“I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement—as a means to
pass a pleasant hour, of an evening—a sort of moral segar?”
“No, sir,” put in the broker, “they doesn’t smoke ’em, my word on’t, or
they wouldn’t buy ’em in such lots!”
I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I turned
to see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale marked
“Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul.” A little curious
to know why he had made this selection, I led him aside, and frankly
put the question.
“Why, to own the truth, Sir John,” he said, “religion is an article
that sells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all in
the dark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always suspect a
native of the country to which I am bound, on such a p’int; and if the
things shouldn’t sell there, they’ll at least do at Stunnin’tun. Miss
Poke alone would use up what there is in that there bale, in a
twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, she’s a desperate consumer of
snuff and religion.”
We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who
had come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to get
anything.
“Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little thing
it is,” said the broker, laughing; “it don’t take at all, here, and it
might do to go ’ome again—at any rate, you will get the drawback. It is
filled with ‘Distinctive Opinions of the Republic of Leaplow.’” The
cook looked at the brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation
doubtful. Still it was Hobson’s choice; and, after a good deal of
grumbling, the doctor, as Noah always called his cook, consented to
take the “harticle,” at half the prime cost.
Judge People’s Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly en
republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob was
kicked to Noah’s heart’s content, and the Walrus was fairly under way
for Leaplow.