BETTER AND BETTER—MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE—TAILS AND HEADS: THE
IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.
Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where I
promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosity
inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier told
me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that the affair was now
getting to be one of great interest; that hitherto it had been mere
boy’s play, but it would in future require counsel of great reading and
research to handle the arguments, and that he flattered himself there
was a good occasion likely to present itself, for him to show what
monikin reason really was.
The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presented
a formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah
was admitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only
three or four other short applications on behalf of the crown, whose
rights always have precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general
of the king was desired to open his case.
The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of both
his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.
Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwith
of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean
at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legal
signification, forthwith must mean between sunrise and sunset, the
statute commanding that all executions shall take place by the light of
the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed each
other, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing each
other, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.
To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions,
objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light
proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when
the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith,
moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant
immediately; and “between sunrise and sunset” meant between sunrise and
sunset; which might be immediately, or might not.
On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did
not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith;
thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was
illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose;
and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as respected the case
of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose
his tail forthwith.
The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and
monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, or
some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence
be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the
two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that there were very
startling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own species.
The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest;
and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a
lively—I may say an engrossing—interest in all the hearers. It was
settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in favor of the king,
whose royal dignity the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion was
entitled to precedency over that of the queen. To my great surprise, my
brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point,
making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the king’s dignity, as
was admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point
that the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the
culprit’s face. It is true this might be done physically after
decapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of the
punishment was designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect,
consciousness and shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of
throwing the ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done
while he was living, and capable of being ashamed.
Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It
contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed
as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred and
inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as he
termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general inferiority
of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to
hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, it
allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The
decision was in the following words, viz.: “Rex et Regina versus No. 1,
sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed
forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before they decapitate him;
provided he has not been forthwith decapitated before he can be
decaudizated.”
The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer,
Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall
of justice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was
about to reproach him for having volunteered to aid the king’s
attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the
want of a button-hole, he said, with evident satisfaction:
“Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to have
been employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Now
this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, has just
reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see every prospect of
extricating our client with great credit to myself.”
“How! my brother Downright!” I interrupted; “the accused is finally
sentenced, if not actually executed!”
“Not so fast, my good Sir John—not so fast, by any means. Nothing is
final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the
criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way; much
better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was
arraigned.”
Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demand
an explanation.
“All depends on the single fact, dear sir,” continued my brother
Downright, “whether the head is still on the body of the accused or
not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a
proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for
this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the
fact. I ask but two things of you—speed in coming with the news, and
perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of the
frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of justice!”
“The case seems desperate—would it not be as well for me to run down to
the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw
myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?”
“Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly,
there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a
special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!”
“No king in Leaphigh!”
“I have said it.”
“Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refute
what you say, by the evidence of my own senses.”
“Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there was
a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But the
nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble his
majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves all the
trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole duty of
reigning. This was done in a way to save his feelings, under the
pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of
the mass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed
and otherwise support the royal family, and all its members were
privately shipped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so
far advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy
without a monarch.”
“And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?”
“Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough,
even greater exploits may be performed.”
“But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such
thing as a monarch in this country?”
“Literally.”
“And the presentations?”
“Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy.”
“And the crimson curtains?—”
“Conceal empty seats.”
“Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?”
“In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger,
if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and
another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in great
jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just
instructed you.”
I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the
centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my
friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already
rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did
not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for,
luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual
preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court
had not yet arrived—justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her
ministers are dilatory—two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was
about to get down on his hands and knees between them, just as I forced
my way through the crowd to his side.
“Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!” exclaimed the rebuked
Noah; “a ra’ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his
enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!”
“While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be
prepared for the worst—he who is thus prepared never can meet with a
disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners”—for there were two, that
of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the unhappy
criminal—“Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment
to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalf
of his distant family and friends!”
To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of the
law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not
forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might
pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that there
had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners themselves
on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, and
which had been disposed of by an arrangement that both should operate
at the same instant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees,
“moored head and starn,” as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in
the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one
and his tail on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was
permitted to address him.
“It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain,” I said;
“for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinary
appearance.”
“I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own
that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first
vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has given
me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for being
led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing to that
riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I
forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss
Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past expecting
another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic the rest of
her days.”
“Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah—repentance is the one thing
needful for a man in your extremity.”
“I do—I do, Sir John, body and soul—I repent, from the bottom of my
heart, ever having come on this v’y’ge—nay, I don’t know but I repent
ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment,
have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin’tun; and they
are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you!
Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be pardoned on the
spot.”
Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked
of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy
brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. This
reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob’s struggles;
and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as
the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the mandate for the
order of the punishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared
that the condemned must be prepared to meet his fate.
The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal
process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy
in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the tail was
actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry
me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who
was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved the
bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the case of
“Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the statute of
the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords,” put in
the brigadier, “that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of
life, or limb, while it can be established that he is non compos
mentis. This is also a rule, my lords, of common law—but being common
sense and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it
by an especial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen
will scarcely dispute the law of the case—”
“Not at all, my lords—though I have some doubts as to the fact. The
fact remains to be established,” answered the other, taking snuff.
“The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rex
versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization to
take precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versus
the same. Process had been issued from the bench to that effect; the
culprit has, in consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a
creature without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis,
and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments of life or
limb.”
“Your law is plausible, my brother Downright,” observed my lord
chief-justice, “but it remains for the bench to be put in possession of
the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared—”
“I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not
admit of three months’ delay.”
“We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we
have now sat longer in banco,” looking at his watch, “than is either
usual, agreeable, or expedient.”
“But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish
that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually been
separated from his body—”
“Nay—nay—my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must know
that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an
affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before we
adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another sitting.”
I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar
odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown into
Noah’s face, there remained no further obstacle to the process of
decapitation—the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept his
countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My brother
Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple a
stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a
good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it,
without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:
“Regina versus Noah Poke.”
“Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day of
the Moon.} appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the
Court of King’s Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of
Great Britain, who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that
he, the said deponent, was present at, and did witness, the
decaudization of the defendant in this suit, and that the tail of the
said Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, hath been truly and
physically separated from his body.
“—And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc.”
Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, which
existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court
to take my deposition to its truth.
“John Goldencalf, baronet,” said the chief-justice, “you have heard
what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?”
“I do.”
Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself,
and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper used
by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than
the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on one of the
arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the names and title
of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to read his own
writing, that high officer of the crown had, very naturally, supposed
that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in too great
a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the case was
instantly disposed of, by the following decision:
“Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considered
non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security to
keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life.”
An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this
reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter into
the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the same
time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to answer
to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my brother
Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order to
congratulate our client—the former justly elated with his success,
which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his own
education.
We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands of
the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his
satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to his
account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head than
another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary to
part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like a
man, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the amputation
of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part, he should
take very good care how he accused any one with having a memory, or
anything else, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise
provisions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the
repetition of his offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on
shore, believing he should be less in the way of temptation on board
the Walrus than among the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was
sure of soon catching them on board again, for they had now been off
their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast
hands, after all; philosophers might say what they pleased about
governments, but, in his opinion, the only ra’al tyrant on ’arth was
the belly; he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his
belly—and he had a thousand—that the belly didn’t get the better; that
it would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it
was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for
cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could
do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin’tun, should
the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the place
who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost; that Miss Poke
would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he come home after
decapitation; that it might be well to sail for Leaplow as soon as
convenient, for in that country he understood bobs were in fashion, and
he admitted that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any
great length of time, unless he could look as other people look; for
his part, he bore no one a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but
Bob, out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have full
satisfaction, before the ship should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc.,
etc., etc.
Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we
proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the
Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals and
post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and had all
gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in a
well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts.
The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him,
than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for the
able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, at
the same time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and truly
philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence.
“Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir
John,” returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings.
“We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our whole defence
would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been
unable to read his own handwriting. As for the principles and forms of
the monikin law—for in these particulars Leaplow is very much like
Leaphigh—as you have seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they
are such as we have. I do not pretend that they are faultless; on the
contrary, I could point out improvements myself—but we get on with them
as well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better
bear examination.”