AN ARRIVAL—FORMS OF RECEPTION—SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS—AN OFFICIAL
DOCUMENT, ND TERRA FIRMA.
It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, fatiguing,
and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably augmented when
the visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate, and which is
peopled by a new species. My own satisfaction, too was coupled with the
reflection that I had been of real service to four very interesting and
well-bred strangers, who had been cast, by an adverse fortune, into the
hands of humanity, and who owed to me a boon far more precious than
life itself—a restoration to their natural and acquired rights, their
proper stations in society, and sacred liberty! The reader will judge,
therefore, with what inward self-congratulation I now received the
acknowledgments of the whole monikin party, and listened to their most
solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all they might jointly
and severally possess in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire
disposal, but their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as
possible of any little service I might have done them, protesting in my
turn, that I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only obtained an
insight into a new philosophy, but that I was already, thanks to the
decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and learned
language. These civilities were scarcely well over, before we were
boarded by the boat of the port-captain.
The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement in
a monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for several
hours, preparations had been made to give us a proper reception. The
section of the academy to whom is committed the custody of the “Science
of Indications,” was hastily assembled by order of the king, who, by
the way, never speaks except through the mouth of his oldest male first
cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm, is held responsible
for all his official acts (in private, the king is allowed almost as
many privileges as any other monikin), and who, as is due to him in
simple justice, is permitted to exercise, in a public point of view,
the functions of the eyes, ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the
monarch. The savans were active, and as they proceeded with method, and
on well-established principles, their report was quickly made. It
contained, as we afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises,
eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture, and two lines of deduction.
This heavy draft on the monikin intellect was duly achieved by dividing
the work into as many parts as there were members of the section
present, viz., forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that
the vessel in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a strange
country, on a strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its
objects were more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses
of the academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance,
with the exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously
expressed in the purest monikin language. The effect of the report was,
to cause all hostile preparations to be abandoned.
No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with the
news that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady
Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst of joy along
the strand. In a very short time the king—alias his eldest first cousin
of the male gender—ordered the usual compliments to be paid to his
distinguished subjects. A deputation of young lords the hopes of
Leaphigh came off to receive their colleague; whilst a bevy of
beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded around the smiling and
graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart with their caressing manners
and felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate boats, each
attended by an appropriate escort. We overlooked the little neglect of
forgetting to take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both beside
themselves. Next came a long procession composed of high numbers, all
of the “brown-study color.” These learned and dignified persons were a
deputation from the academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of
its number to receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving
friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most
approved principles of reason. Each section (there are forty in the
academy of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the Doctor
returned suitable replies, always using exactly the same sentiments,
but varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to
be composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters of
the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise
paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and myself, than would
be paid in any highly-civilized country of Christendom, on a similar
occasion, by a collection of the learned, to the accidental presence of
two monkeys. I thought this augured badly, and began to feel as became
Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of
Great Britain, when my sensations were nipped in the bud by the arrival
of the officers of registration and circulation. It was the duty of the
latter to give us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate
within the country, after the former had properly enregistered our
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us within the reach of
taxation. The officer of registration was very expeditious from long
practice. He decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of
which, of course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed
another, Nos. 1, 2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the
honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered
according to height, as the register deemed their merits to be
altogether physical. Next came the important point of color, on which
depended the quality of the class or caste, the numbers merely
indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions. After a
good deal of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was enregistered
as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, sea-water color, and his mates 2
and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and the crew as Nos. 1,
2, 3, etc., tar-color. The officer now called upon an assistant to come
forth with a sort of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix
the official stamp to each in succession. Luckily for us all, Noah
happened to be the first to whom the agent of the stamp-office applied,
to uncase and to prepare for the operation. The result was one of those
bursts of eloquent and logical vituperation, and of remonstrating
outcries, to which any new personal exaction never failed to give birth
in the sealer. His discourse on this occasion might be divided into the
several following heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished
by the usual expletives and imagery:—“He was not a beast to be branded
like a horse, nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw no
use in applying the marks to men, who were sufficiently distinguished
from monkeys already; Sir John had a handle before his name, and if he
liked it, he might carry his name behind his body, by way of
counterpoise, but for his part, he wanted no outriggers of the sort,
being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican, and it was
anti-republican for a man to carry about with him graven images; he
thought it might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures, or what
was worse, turning his back on them; he said that the Walrus had her
name, in good legible characters on her starn, and that might answer
for both of them; he protested, d—n his eyes, that he wouldn’t be
branded like a thief; he incontinently wished the keeper of the privy
seal to the d—-l; he insisted there was no use in the practice, unless
one threw all aback, and went starn foremost into society, a rudeness
at which human natur’ revolted; he knew a man in Stunin’tun who had
five names, and he should like to know what they would do with him, if
this practice should come into fashion there; he had no objection to a
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance
with his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck.”
The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular
patience and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his not
understanding a word that had been said. But there is a language that
is universal, and it is not less easy to comprehend when a man is in a
passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated animal. The
officer of the registration department, on this hint, politely inquired
of me, if some part of his official duties were not particularly
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my admitting that the
captain was reluctant to be branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders,
and observed that the exactions of the public were seldom agreeable,
but that duty was duty, that the stamp act was peremptory, and not a
foot of ours could touch Leaphigh until we were all checked off in this
manner, in exact conformity with the registration. I was much puzzled
what to do, by this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the
officer; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had quite as much
aversion to the operation, as of Captain Poke himself. It was not the
principle so much as the novelty of its application which distressed
me; for I had travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely
enters a civilized country without being more or less skinned, the
merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came
to my recollection that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample supply of delicious
nuts. Sending for a bag of the best of them, I ordered it to be put
into the register’s boat, informing him at the same time, that I was
conscious they were quite unworthy of him, but that I hoped, such as
they were, he would allow me to make an offering of them to his wife.
This attention was properly felt and received; and a few minutes
afterwards, a certificate in the following words was put into my hands,
viz.:
“Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain
persons of the human species have lately presented themselves to be
enregistered, according to the statute ‘for the promotion of order and
classification, and for the collection of contributions’; and whereas,
these persons are yet in the second class of the animal probation, and
are more subject to bodily impressions than the higher, or monikin
species: Now, know all monikins, etc., that they are stamped in paint,
and that only by their numbers; each class among them being easily to
be distinguished from the others, by outward and indelible proofs.
“Signed,
“No. 8,020 office-color.”
I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with paint
or tar, as we might choose, the latter being recommended for the crew;
taking no further trouble than to number ourselves; and when we went
ashore, if any of the gens-d’armes inquired why we had not the legal
impression on our persons, which quite possibly would be the case, as
the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show
the certificate; but if the certificate was not sufficient, we were men
of the world, and understood the nature of things so well, that we did
not require to be taught so simple a proposition in philosophy, as that
which says, “like causes produce like effects”; and he presumed I could
not have so far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole of my
nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not very sorry to hear the
officer throw out these hints, for they convinced me that my journey
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with less embarrassment than I
had anticipated, since I now plainly perceived that monikins act on
principles that are not very essentially different from those of the
human race in general.
The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their
departure together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in
compliance with his advice. As the principle was already settled, we
had no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and the
largest of the seamen being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in order.
By this time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on the
water, and we deferred disembarking until morning.
All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke and
myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order to make
a journey through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in charge
of the mates and the crew; the latter having permission to go ashore,
from time to time, as is the practice with all seamen in port. There
was a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving, before the whole
party could appear on deck, properly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke
wore a thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him look like a
sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not only agreeable to his feelings
and habits, but which had a cool and pleasant character that was
altogether suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed with
the worthy sealer, seeing but little difference between his going in
this garb, and his going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of
my own, after the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so
arranged as to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter
Change, to which MENAGERIE the artist by whom it had been painted was
sent expressly, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his
master called it, of a turnspit.
The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we landed,
with an impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we
were permitted to approach the capital itself without let or hindrance.
As it is less my intention to describe physical things than to dwell
upon the philosophy and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world,
little more will be said of their houses, domestic economy, and other
improvements in the arts, than may be gathered incidentally, as the
narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say on these heads, that the
Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think they consult—which, so
long as they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same
thing—their own convenience in all things, the pocket alone excepted;
and that they continue very laudably to do as their fathers did before
them, seldom making changes, unless they may happen to possess the
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed, they are sometimes
adopted, probably on account of their possessing the merit of having
been proved suitable to another state of things.
Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of
Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into
English, was my Lord Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a
company of young nobles, who all seemed to be enjoying their youth,
health, rank, and privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party in
a way to render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At first
I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention of our late
shipmate to consider our knowledge of each other as one of those
accidental acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at
watering-places, on journeys, or in the country, and which it is
ill-mannered to press upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke
afterwards expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman and a
Yankee, that has been formed in the house of the latter, on better wine
than is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known to
withstand the influence of a British fog. “Why, Sir John,” the sealer
added, “I once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, not TUCKED) a countryman of
yours under my wing, at Stunin’tun, during the last war. He was a
prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he went and did pretty much as
he pleased; and the fellow had the best of everything—molasses that a
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to slush down a topmast,
and New England rum, that a king might set down to, but could not get
up from—well, what was the end on’t? Why, as sure as we are among these
monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me. Had I BOOKED but the half of what he
guzzled, the amount, I do believe, would have taken the transaction out
of any justice’s court in the state. He said my molasses was meagre,
the pork lean, and the liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude
for you! He gave the whul account, too, as a specimen of what he called
American living!”
Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to
receive even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his
own country, and is master of his own actions, no man understands
better what true hospitality is, as I hoped one day to show him, at
Householder Hall; as to his first remark, he ought to remember that an
Englishman considered America as no more than the country, and that it
would be ill-mannered to press an acquaintance made there.
Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that did
not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very readily
admitted the general justice of my reply.
“It’s pretty much as you say, Sir John,” he continued; “in England you
may press men, but it won’t do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in
this way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. I shouldn’t
have cared so much about the chap’s book, if he had said nothin’ ag’in
the rum. Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin’tun with
eighteen pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve with a gallon out
of the very same cask, for I do think it would have huv’ the shot the
best part of a mile!”
—But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord
Chatterino turned his head a little on one side as we were passing, and
I was deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it would be
well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question was
settled by the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in such a
position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through him, or
over him—or who laid himself what he called “athwart hawse.”
“Good morning, my lord,” said the straightforward seaman, who generally
went at a subject as he went at a seal. “A fine warm day; and the smell
of the land, after so long a passage, is quite agreeable to the nose,
whatever its ups and downs may be to the legs.”
The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I
thought, notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather
characteristic of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight
disposition to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself.
He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly, and
on the whole, agreeably struck at seeing us.
“How, Goldencalf!” he cried in surprise, “you in Leaphigh! This is
indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to
prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual
observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but this
moment giving you some account—”
Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he continued,
looking exceedingly grave:—
“Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy
people, I do assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be
ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better or a
bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and as for the one in the
parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself to say, that he is really a
person of some consideration in his own little circle. He is, I
believe, a member of par—par—par—am I right, Sir John?—a member of—”
“Parliament, my lord—an M.P.”
“Ay—I thought I had it—an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his own
country, which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his people, as
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from his majesty’s eldest
first cousin of the masculine gender, may be among us. Some such
thing—eh—now—eh—is it not, Sir John?”
“I dare say it is, my lord.”
“All very true, Chatterino,” put in one of the young monikins, with a
very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular—“but
what would be even a lawmaker—to say nothing of law-BREAKERS like
ourselves—among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere
title, or a profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but
that the prodigy of a village may be a very common monikin in town.”
“Poh-poh”—interrupted Lord Chatterino, “thou art ever for refining,
Hightail—Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the island
of—a—a—a—what do you call that said island of yours, Goldencalf?—a—a—”
“Great Britain, my lord.”
“Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person—I can
take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable person
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the island
himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?”
“Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few
scattered manors here and there.”
“Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt—then you have
money at use?”
“And who is the debtor?” sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes Hightail.
“No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain.”
“Exquisite, that, egad! A noble’s fortune in the custody of the realm
of a—Greek—a—”
“Great Breeches,” interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, notwithstanding
he swore he was excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some forbearance to keep
from joining in the general laugh. “It is a very respectable country, I
do protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted better gooseberries
than they grow in that very island.”
“What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?”
“Certainly—after a fashion—and houses, and public conveyances—and even
universities.”
“You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!”
“Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. I
really can’t take it upon myself to say that they have a system.”
“Oh, yes, my lord—of a certainty we have one—the social stake system.”
“Ask the creature,” whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail, “if
he himself, now, has any income.”
“How is it, Sir John—have you an income?”
“Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a year.”
“Of what?—of what?” demanded two or three voices, with well-bred,
subdued eagerness.
“Of sovereigns—why that means kings!”
It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the king’s
eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all their official
acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person and
character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest veneration;
just as we men express admiration for a virtue that we never practise.
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was soon
required to explain myself. This I did, by simply stating the truth.
“Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!” exclaimed three or four, laughing
heartily. “Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all,
Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold!
Harkee, Signior—a—a—Boldercraft, have you no currency in ‘promises’?”
“I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question.”
“Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a state
of simplicity and nature,”—there was irony in every syllable the
impudent scoundrel uttered—“we poor wretches, or rather our ancestors,
made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, having, as
you perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency
into ‘promises.’ Now, I would ask if you have any of that coin?”
“Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty.”
“He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a
pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in
your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency of
‘promises’?”
“As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is,
sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish.”
“Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear his
answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the thing’s
habits, be our interpreter.”
“The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our
ancestors, having reached that pass in civilization when they came to
dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary to
substitute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was
inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also
was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and cotton,
in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, written
on, and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the several
gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and blotting-paper,
and having set the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly
established, the system was perfected by a coup de main,—‘promises’ in
words were substituted for all other coin. You see the advantage at a
glance. A monikin can travel without pockets or baggage, and still
carry a million; the money cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be
stolen or burned.”
“But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?”
“Just the contrary;—an acre that formerly could be bought for one
promise, would now bring a thousand.”
“This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures—”
“Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the law
was passed making promises a legal tender.”
“I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at
home!”
“So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!” And then there was
another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense
of national humility.
“As they have universities,” cried another coxcomb, “perhaps this
person has attended one of them.”
“Indeed, sir,” I answered, “I am regularly graduated.”
“It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge—for, though
my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest sign of a
cauda about him.”
“Ah!” Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, “the inhabitants of
Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads.”
“Their heads!”
“Heads!”
“That’s excellent, by his majesty’s prerogative! Here’s civilization,
with a vengeance!”
I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or
three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried
out that I actually wore clothes.
“Clothes—the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear
clothes?”
The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there arose
such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks, when
they discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature could
endure no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino,
very hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the tavern.
“Don’t forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you
sail,” cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, and
nodding in quite a friendly way towards me.
“King!” exclaimed Captain Poke. “That blackguard ate a whole
bread-locker-full of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us
to step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!”
I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. It
was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively
anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed
species; they thought more of their minds than of their bodies, as was
plain by comparing the smallness of the latter with the length and
development of the seat of reason; and one of his experience should
know that good-breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that we
ought to respect its laws, however opposed to our own previous
practices.
“I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material
difference in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of
Stunin’tun.”
“That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage of
Stunin’tun be they.”
“We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs best;
and it requires that we should travel much, before we are able to
decide on points so nice.”
“And do you not call me a traveller! Haven’t I been sixteen times
a-sealing, twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and
this last run to Leaphigh!”
“Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your
stay in any given place has been just long enough to find fault. Usages
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit.”
It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance Lynx,
at that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was much
satisfied with her safe return home. To own the truth, while striving
to find apologies for it, I had been a little contraire, as the French
term it, by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner in which a peer of
the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en bas, a mere baronet of Great
Britain—or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertinaciously
insisted on terming our illustrious island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was
of “russet-color,” a caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt
that she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf
of Householder Hall, as the other might be willing to shuffle it off.
“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance,” I said familiarly, endeavoring to
wriggle in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my good
fortune to be the owner of one—“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance—I’m
glad to meet you again on shore.”
I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of our
acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment.
On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable for a modest
and commendable reserve. But on the present occasion, she disappointed
all reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side, uttering a slight
scream, and hurrying past as if she thought we might bite her. Indeed,
I can only compare her deportment to that of a female of our own, who
is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes on her, and who gives herself
airs about a dog or a spider, because she thinks they make her look so
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite out of the question;
for the duenna hurried on, bending her head downwards, as if heartily
ashamed of an involuntary weakness.
“Well, good madam,” said Noah, whose stern eye followed her movements
until she was quite lost in the crowd, “you would have had a sleepless
v’yage, if I had foreimagined this! Sir John, these people stare at us
as if we were wild beasts!”
“I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they
seem to take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs in
the streets of London.”
“I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of the
lost condition of man. It’s ra’ally awful to witness to what a state of
unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of the way, you
grinning blackguard.”
Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his
stern-frame, had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad to
see Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of
attentive listeners, all of whom, by their years, gravity, and
deportment, I made no question were savants. As he drew near, I found
he was discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage. When within six
feet of us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing to descant
with a very proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his subject
was of infinite interest to his listeners. Accidentally turning his eye
in our direction, he caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few
hurried apologies to those around him, the excellent philosopher came
eagerly forward, with both hands extended. Here was a difference,
indeed, between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino and the
duenna! The salutation was warmly returned; and the Doctor and myself
stepped a little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he wished to
say a word in private.
“My dear Sir John,” the philosopher began, “our arrival has been the
most happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is
filled with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive the importance
that is attached to the event. New sources of trade, scientific
discoveries, phenomena both moral and physical, and results that it is
thought may serve to raise the monikin civilization still higher than
ever! Fortunately, the academy holds its most solemn meeting of the
year this very day, and I have been formally requested to give the
assembly an outline of those events which have lately passed before my
eyes. The king’s eldest first cousin of the masculine gender is to
attend openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way to be quite
authentic, that the king himself will be present in his own royal
person.”
“How!” I exclaimed, “have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering
conjectures certain?”
“Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to
the king’s majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now
as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign is known morally to
be present, when he may be actually and physically eating his dinner at
the other extremity of the island; this important illustration of the
royal ubiquity is effected by means of a legal fiction. On the other
hand, the king often indulges his natural propensities, such as
curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming in person,
when, by the court fiction, he is thought to be seated on his throne,
in his own royal palace. Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and
graces in the art of truths, we are behind no people in the universe!”
“I beg pardon, Doctor—so his majesty is expected to be at the academy
this morning?”
“In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me as a
savant, to you as a human being—for it will have a tendency to raise
your whole species in the monikin estimation—and, lastly, to learning.
It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend, with as many
of your companions as possible, more especially the better specimens. I
was coming down to the landing in the hope of meeting you; and a
messenger has gone off to the ship to require that the people be sent
ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to yourselves; and, really, I
do not like to express beforehand what I think concerning the degree of
attention you will all receive; but this much I think I can say—you
will see.”
“This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I
hardly know what answer to give.”
“You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you have
refused to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it would
seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him, nor could I answer for
the consequences.”
“Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his majesty’s
eldest first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case I thought I
might snap my fingers at his majesty himself.”
“Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the
government. Ours is a government of three estates—viz., the law,
opinion, and practice. By law the king rules, by practice his cousin
rules, and by opinion the king again rules. Thus, is the strong point
of practice balanced by law and opinion. This it is that constitutes
the harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would never do to
offend his majesty.”
Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor’s argument, yet, as
I had often found in human society, theories political, moral,
theological, and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and which
nobody understood, I thought discussion useless, and gave up the point
by promising the Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which was
the time named for our appearance. Taking the necessary directions to
find the place, we separated; he to hasten to make his preparations,
and I to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage, that no
decency might be overlooked on an occasion so solemn.