A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS—DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER—A TIGHT FIT, AND
OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.
I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During
this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper ship
had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put in quiet
possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray arrangements for
being absent from England for the next two years. The vessel was a
stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burden, and
had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her
accommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the exigencies of
both monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being very
properly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered
decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called
their private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was
a term for the women’s apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins
being quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their
acquirements by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.
Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship’s company, the
service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsible
character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool
(the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where he was
fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two
Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to cruising as
near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in reaching. He was also
well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed that he had great
difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty
applicants were rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and
some for the want of another. As I was present at several examinations
of different candidates for the office, I got a little insight into his
manner of ascertaining their respective merits.
The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a
pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at
mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected for
manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in this
important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the candidates,
however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon came
to the next requisite, which was, to say “Sir,” in a tone, as Noah
expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the
mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies on
this score, the captain remarking that most of them “were the sa’ciest
blackguards” he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, found
one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer “Sir,” to his liking,
he proceeded to make experiments on their abilities in carrying a
soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates without a napkin,
and without using their shirt-sleeves; in snuffing candles with their
fingers; in making a soft bed with few materials besides boards; in
mixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he
affectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks
on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking
his lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he
maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin’tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my
uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want
of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of the
ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part of his
anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, as he
himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint,
by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated
violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry.
Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediately promoted to the vacant
berth. The very next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and
with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.
I will here state that a general election occurred the week before we
sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in order
to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to look up to
me for that small favor.
We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the
taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.
Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in the
cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with the
anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging from the
amount of the captain’s practice, was admirably well suited for his
station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last hold of the
land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came forth
in his true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made.
The first thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard,
bowline, and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, in
order to show them (as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he was
captain of his own vessel; gave the people to understand he did not
like to speak twice on the same subject and on the same occasion, which
he said was a privilege he very willingly left to Congressmen and
women; and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all around him.
A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Poke
if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort to
some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this idea
with great disrespect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrants
without any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, for we
were bound to the south pole; all we had to do was to keep America on
the starboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be sure, there was
something to be said about the trades, and a little allowance to be
made for currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to be
better acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on like
clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as
day dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out
to the mate, through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land
bore. No one had yet seen any land; but at this summons we began to
look about us, and sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the
eastern board! Its position by compass was immediately communicated to
the captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his
admonition to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on
the larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.
I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capital
fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well,
though it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, how the
captain could know where the ship was; for he had not touched his
quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left
England. About a fortnight after we had passed the Cape de Verds, Noah
came on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate and the
man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To this the
former answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in a
fortnight, was “to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation,” and
that she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah
gave Bob, who happened to pass him just then, a smart application a
posteriori, and swore “that the compass was as big a fool as the mate;
that the ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway,
and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no
northin’ in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it ought
to be for’ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio instead of
Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter country, we
must haul up on a good taut bowline.” The mate, to my surprise,
suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He
afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been
sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to
the binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them,
so as to deceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees
as to the real points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence
greatly encouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe
arrival as far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates the
human from the monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I
now began to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been
partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of a
sea life.
The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with
females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the
equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their time
on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild nights in
discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and as soon as we
were well clear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the calm
latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to study the language
of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, Noah
intimating we should find it convenient to take him on shore with us,
since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bring no
servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly
diminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole language was spoken
and written on a system of decimals, which rendered it particularly
easy, after the elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike
most human tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no
departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the
pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of
them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by
experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of
Stunin’tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The
comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage;
though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was the
next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino
obligingly explained, “we-witch-it-me-cum” means “Madam, I love you
from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other
half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you
would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic
propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” In
short, it was the usual and most solemn expression for asking in
marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer
until as formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word
“we-switch-it-me-cum” means “Madam, I love you from the crown of my
head to the tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better, it
would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to
become my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before
all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” Now this distinction,
subtle and insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a
vast deal of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of
Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two
great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a
young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal
word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now happily appeased, having
lasted only a century, but it would be wise, as we were all three
bachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke said he
thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed
to the use of the word “switchel”; but he thought it might be very well
to go before some consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a
formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some
advantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in
particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious
as a hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The
matter was deferred for future deliberation.
About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications with
Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party
of which he was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the
best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more
vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed freely,
therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through the medium of
the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an
especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil,
in order to provide for the small remains of the animal that still
lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of
the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses
of Leaphigh, had been put under his instruction at a very tender age,
as had my Lady Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the
same objects. This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished
each other, in monikin society, for their unusual graces of person,
general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of
thought, and soundness of principles. Everything was propitious to the
gentle flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and
which was met by a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which
glowed in the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the
respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy between them was
observed, in order to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had
called in the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an
officer especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is
to take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are
likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that of marriage.
Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage
Department on this occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had
contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards
had compelled him to wear, and which he still preserved as a document
that was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leaphigh; else he
would never be permitted to travel afoot in company with two young
people of birth and of good estates, who were of the different sexes. I
translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty of the English
language will allow.
Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season
of nuts, day of brightness.
Vol. 7243, p. 82.
Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable and
wood in just proportions.
Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.
Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissa
possess in quality what they want in quantity.
Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy—four
descents pure—a suspicion—one descent pure—a certainty.
Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure—three bastardies—eleven
descents pure—a certainty—a suspicion—unknown.
Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of
my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other side
is believed to equalize the parties.
(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy.
(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.
Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under the
charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the
University of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance
Lynx, licensed duenna.
The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it might
be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to explain
it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable (to use a
peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of
matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question, under the care of
prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to ascertain how far they
may be able to support, in each other’s society, the ordinary
vicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgar
classes, there are official overseers, who usually drag them through a
few mud-puddles, and then set them to work at some hard labor that is
especially profitable to the public functionaries, who commonly get the
greater part of their own year’s work done in this manner. But, as the
moral provisions of all laws are invented less for those who own
126,952 3/4 acres of land, divided into meadow, arable and wood, in
just proportions, than for those whose virtues are more likely to yield
to the fiery ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after making a
proper and useful manifestation of their compliance with the usage,
ordinarily retire to their country seats, where they pass the period of
probation as agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted
in the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their
letters describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure
for the consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor
country houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady
Chatterissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It was
thought by the authorities that the attachment of a pair so illustrious
offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh impartiality; and
on the well-known principle which induces us sometimes to hang an earl
in England, the young couple were commanded actually to go forth with
all useful eclat (secret orders being given to their guardians to allow
every possible indulgence, at the same time), in order that the lieges
might see and exult in the sternness and integrity of their rulers.
Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for
the mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical commentary
of the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the verges of
precipices and in the delights of the most fertile valleys (which, as
he justly observed, was the greater danger of the two), leading them
over flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their tempers; and
setting up establishments with the most awkward peasants for servants,
to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa’s philosophy; with a variety of
similar ingenious devices, that will readily suggest themselves to all
who have any matrimonial experience, whether they live in palaces or
cottages. When this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the
result having shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as
mere temper was concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the
barrier of ice, which divides the monikin from the human region, with a
view to ascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a
nature likely to resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here,
unfortunately, (for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of Dr.
Reasono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring
ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme
imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he had formerly
discovered an island, on an ancient expedition of the same sort; and on
which island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a stratum of what he
believed to be a portion of the forty thousand square miles that were
discomposed by the great eruption of the earth’s boiler. The
philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that were dependent
on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the learning of
Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred years before, in
establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment had been
thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention had latterly been
given to the discovery of the least distance any fragment had been
hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequences of a
learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this indiscretion that the
whole party fell into the hands of certain mariners who were sealing on
the northern shores of this very island, (friends and neighbors, as it
afterwards appeared, of Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon
the travellers, and sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which they
afterwards fell in with near the island of St. Helena—St. Helena! the
tomb of him who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his
desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth,
profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear
appreciation of all the nobler virtues.
We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono
concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I
solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,—
“If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the
past—if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead—if
certain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for chaining
a hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of freemen, would
ever have disgraced itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?”
The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself to
some tobacco, he replied,—
“Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin’tun, when we catch a ferocious critter’,
we always put it in a cage. I’m no great mathematician, as I’ve often
told you; if my dog bites me once, I kick him—twice, I beat him—thrice,
I chain him.”
Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have no
sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and
common-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than one
who lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger than in
that of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce his own
sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their home-bred
morality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be classed
Captain Noah Poke.
A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions
fell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters of
lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however, be
entirely omitted.
When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the
monikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain number
of jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different animals,
such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., etc., with the
proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws; and, when the ladies
came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by
our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole crew were flying about
the rigging, like so many animals of the different species named. Noah
and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, the former having
intimated that he understood the nature of that beast better than any
other. Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and
handsomely acknowledged.
I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of
cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near the
Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude, and I
might add, with pleasure.
Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, saying
that he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered altogether
by wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing as a good
joke, never failing to hail the men, not by their names as formerly,
but, as he expressed it himself, “by their natur’s”; calling out “You
cat, scratch this”; “You tiger, jump here”; “You hog, out of that
dirt”; “You dog, scamper there”; “You horse, haul away,” and divers
other similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. The men
themselves took up the ball, which they kept rolling, embellished with
all sorts of nautical witticisms; their surname—they had but one, viz.
Smith—being entirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds
of “Tom Dog,” “Jack Cat,” “Bill Tiger,” “Sam Hog,” and “Dick Horse,”
were flying about the deck from morning to night.
Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time the
ship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard gales
from the southward and westward; and we had the utmost difficulty in
making our southing. Observations now became a very difficult matter,
the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The marine instinct of
Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance to all on board. He
gave us the cheering assurance, however, from time to time, that we
were going south, although the mates declared that they knew not where
the ship was, or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor star
having now been seen for more than a week.
We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a fortnight,
when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called for the
cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the name of
“You Bob Ape”; for the duty of Robert requiring that he should be much
about the persons of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes’
skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to their tastes than that
of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he
approached his master, he quietly turned his face from him, receiving,
as a matter of course, three or four smart admonitory hints, by way of
letting him know that he was to be active in the performance of the
duty on which he was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odd
discovery. Bob had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment,
which had been cut for a much larger boy (one of those who had broken
down in essaying the true Doric of “Sir”), by stuffing it with an old
union-jack-a sort of “sarvice,” as he afterwards told me, that saved
him a good deal of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events,
however; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully,
and demanded the captain’s pleasure. He was told to bring the largest
and fairest pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke,
that navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he
termed “Stunin’tun food.” The captain took the pumpkin between his
legs, and carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat,
leaving it a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the
tar-bucket, and, with his fingers, traced various marks, which were
pretty accurate outlines of the different continents and the larger
islands of the world. The region near the south pole, however, he left
untouched; intimating that it contained certain sealing islands, which
he considered pretty much as the private property of the
Stunin’tunners.
“Now, Doctor,” he said, pointing to the pumpkin, “there is the ’arth,
and here is the tar-pot—just mark down the position of your island of
Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts your academy
has of the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you happen to know of
any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down the island where you
were captured, giving a general idee of its headlands and of the
trending of the coast.”
Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired
objects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and
seemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who had
very correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short, on whose
local knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He then projected
the position of Stunnin’tun, an occupation in which he took great
delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the principal tavern;
after which, the chart was laid aside.