BETTER AND BETTER—A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON—MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, DEEPER
PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST.
“I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the
personal part of my lecture,” resumed Dr. Reasono, “to turn to those
portions of the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken
common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say a
few words on that part of our natural philosophy which is connected
with the planetary system, the monikin location—and, as a consequence
from both, the creation of the world.”
“Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these
interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant, Dr.
Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the creation or
not.”
“As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther. There
would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an antagonistic
validity to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron; as one
of your native good sense and subsequent cultivation will readily
perceive.”
“Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your
philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very
arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity of
repudiating the whole of a witness’s testimony, when we repudiate a
part.”
“That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far from
admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no monikin is
ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long as he
remains in the least under the influence of matter; and we therefore
winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as worse than
useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of facts.”
“I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable and
learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in
replying to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an explanation
of your planetary system, or of any other little thing it may suit your
convenience to mention. When one listens to a real philosopher, one is
certain to learn something that is either useful or agreeable, let the
subject be what it may.”
“By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen,” continued Dr. Reasono, “we
divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water.
These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy has
added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either entirely, or
admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is a
primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus, air can be formed,
in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or foul; is dependent on
evaporation, being no more than ordinary matter in a state of high
rarefaction. Fire has no independent existence, requires fuel for its
support, and is evidently a property that is derived from the
combinations of other principles. Thus, by putting two or more billets
of wood together, by rapid friction you produce fire. Abstract the air
suddenly, and your fire becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you
have the same result. From these two experiments it is shown that fire
has no independent existence, and therefore is not an element. On the
other hand, take a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated
with water; the wood acquires a new property (as also by the
application of fire, which converts it into ashes and air), for its
specific gravity is increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor
more readily, and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the
same billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the
billet, and by a sufficient application of force, you will have the
wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the screw, and the vessel will
contain water. Thus is it shown that land (all vegetable matter being
no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary element, and that water
is also a primary element; while air and fire are not.
“Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity’s sake, suppose
the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum,
stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of what is now
called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal.”
“And the changes of the seasons?”
“Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were no
eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the earth
is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued about a
thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind and matter
was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have made his
appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the fact, about the
year of the world one thousand and three. About this period, too, it is
supposed that fire was generated by the friction of the earth’s axis,
while making the diurnal movement; or, as some imagine, by the friction
of the periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at the rate of so
many miles in a minute. The fire penetrating the crust, soon got access
to the bodies of water that fill the cavities of the earth. From this
time is to be dated the existence of a new and most important agent in
the terrestrial phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to
appear, as the earth received warmth from within—”
“Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed
previously?”
“By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the most
diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on their
persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced devouring
the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon in the
history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed over his
equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and vile. You
doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original attitude of
the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun obliquely, must
have possessed a less genial climate than the parts of the orb that lie
between the arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a wise provision
of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those chosen
regions, or to cause them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far
mastered matter, as to have brought into existence the first monikin.”
“May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the
first of your species?”
“To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir—but if you mean to ask in
what year of the world this event took place, I should answer, about
the year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect to think
that divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the monikin
mind, previously to this period; but the better opinion is, that these
cases were no more than what are termed premonitory. Thus, Socrates,
Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes, and Seneca, were
merely so many admonishing types of the future condition of man,
indicating their near approach to the monikin, or to the final
translation.”
“And Epicurus—”
“Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the
retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and
matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence.”
“Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that Socrates
is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and rendered
logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed perchance into
a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns, and hide?”
“You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in
transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration of
classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men, in a
peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain degree
of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the schools, that
there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, some believe by
scores, others think by hundreds, and others again pretend by
thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is regularly
instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the material is
consigned to the monikin birth; if not, it is repudiated, and either
kneaded anew for another human experiment, or consigned to the vast
stores of dormant matter. Thus all individuality, so far as it is
connected with the past, is lost.”
“But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of your
propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the seasons
would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the earth’s axis to
the plane of its present orbit, this change in the seasons is a matter
not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less
than reason.”
“I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the
monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and
contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar
region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent
purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the
sun’s rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales,
with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the first
embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of struggling
against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great truth in the
instance of the others; who, if they did enter the polar basins as
masters of the great deep, either left their bones there, or returned
in the same characters as they went. From the appearance of animal
nature on the earth, down to the period when the monikin race arose,
the regions in question were not only uninhabited, but virtually
uninhabitable. When, however, nature, always wary, wise, beneficent,
and never to be thwarted, had prepared the way, those phenomena were
exhibited that cleared the road for the new species. I have alluded to
the internal struggle between fire and water, and to their progeny,
steam. This new agent was now required to act. A moment’s attention to
the manner in which the next great step in the progress of civilization
was made, will show with what foresight and calculation our common
mother had established her laws. The earth is flattened at the poles,
as is well imagined by some of the human philosophers, in consequence
of its diurnal movement commencing while the ball was still in a state
of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded matter
towards the periphery. This was not done without the design of
accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated at
the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in this
manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles. When a
sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the ball, a
safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total disruption. As
there was no other machinist than nature, she worked with her own
tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The thinnest portions
of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a catastrophe, when the
superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a right line with the earth’s
axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we have been
able to ascertain, about the year 700 before the Christian era
commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth of the first
monikins.”
“And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?”
“Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice
that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region
(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the
explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two
hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of steam
sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the monikin
race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole territory,
together with its blessed fruits.”
“Am I to understand,” asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he
had before manifested in the philosopher’s lecture, “that your folks,
when at hum’, live to the south’ard of the belt of ice that we mariners
always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77 degrees south
latitude?”
“Precisely so—alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those
regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will of
Providence be done!—doubtless there is a wise motive for our captivity
and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of the monikin
race!”
“Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations, Doctor?
If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what manner do you
account for the changes of the seasons, and other astronomical
phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently occur?”
“You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted,” the philosopher
hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear from his eye.
“Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among the founders of
our species. For a few centuries, they went on multiplying in numbers,
elongating and rendering still more consecutive their cauda, improving
in knowledge and the arts, until some spirits, more audacious than the
rest, became restive under the slow march of events, which led them
towards perfection at a rate ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At
this time, the mechanic arts were at the highest pitch of perfection
amongst us—we have since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as
unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization—we
wore clothes, constructed canals, and effected other works that were
greatly esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this
time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people,
enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political
sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and
hot-headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of
Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and
philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power
and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute
overt acts of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The first
violent demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up the
doctrine that injustice had been done the monikin race, by causing the
safety-valve of the world to be opened within their region. Although we
were manifestly indebted to this very circumstance for the benignity of
our climate, the value of our possessions, the general healthfulness of
our families-nay, for our separate existence itself, as an independent
species, yet did these excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage
war upon the most benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had.
Specious promises led to theories, theories to declamations,
declamation to combination, combination to denunciation, and
denunciation to open hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for
two generations, when the necessary degree of madness having been
excited, the leaders of the party, who by this time had worked
themselves through their hobby, into the general control of the monikin
affairs, called a meeting of all their partisans and passed certain
resolutions, which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so
fatal were their consequences, so ruinous for a time their effects!
They were conceived in the following terms:—
“‘At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the
monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the human
appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007, and of
the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair, and Ready
Quill was named secretary.’”
“‘After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present, it
was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:’”
“‘That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to be
denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.’”
“‘That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature,
that she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the
lawful limits of the monikin territories.’”
“‘That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that it
shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.’”
“‘That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our present
estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted
friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam, and the
sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.’”
“‘That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all monikins.’”
“‘That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy, and
glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our
ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to
the faithful execution of our intentions.
“‘Signed,’”
“‘PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.’”
“‘READY QUILL, Secretary.’”
“No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being
passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up
between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr.
Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to
extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had hitherto
formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest enemy. It is
thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party meant, in truth, to
confine themselves to certain electioneering effects; but who can stay
the torrent, or avert the current of prejudice! The stream was setting
against steam; the whole invention of the species was put in motion;
and in one year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited,
mountains were transported, endless piles of rocks were thrown into the
gulf, arches were constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was
hermetically sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of
intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found,
by actual observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was
thicker, stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So
far did infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the
whole region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise
locality of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the
most zealous of his followers, removed to the spot, where they
established the seat of their government in triumph. All this time
nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was
not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the
consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the scarcity
of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The monikin
enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible theory, but it
invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the human race, better
furnished with the material of physical resistance, does not exhibit so
much of this weakness, but—”
“Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points of
resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have had
the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the
secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept
the whole of your philosophy without a moment’s delay.”
“As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I
trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a Professor
in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even in this
remote part of the world. As I was about to observe, the people began
to betray uneasiness at the increasing and constant inclemency of the
weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to stimulate their
passions by a new development of his principles. His friends and
partisans were all assembled in the great square of the new capital,
and the following resolutions were, to use the language of a handbill
that is still preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Historical
Society (for it would seem they were printed before they were passed),
‘unanimously, enthusiastically, and finally adopted,’ viz.:
“‘Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.’”
“‘Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all other
natural disadvantages.’”
“‘Resolved, That we will live forever.’”
“‘Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most effectual
means of setting the frost at defiance.’”
“‘Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth’s crust
in the polar regions.’”
“‘Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any public
trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires, and to
dispense with cooking altogether.’”
“‘Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism,
reason, good faith, and firmness.’”
“‘Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.’”
“We are told that the last resolution was just carried by acclamation,
when nature arose in her might, and took ample vengeance for all her
wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst with a tremendous
explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of the workmanship, not
only Mr. John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand square
miles of territory. The last that was seen of them was about thirty
seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole mass
disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a rate a little
surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left its gun.”
“King!” exclaimed Noah; “that is what we sailors call ‘to cut and
run.’”
“Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good Doctor?”
“Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume that
the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are their
descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their reasoning
powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of their origin.
This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it is usual
with us, to distinguish all the human species of monkeys by the name of
‘the lost monikins.’ Since my captivity, chance has thrown me in the
way of several of these animals, who were equally under the control of
the cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order to inquire
into their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I have
been led to think there is some foundation for the opinion. Of this,
however, hereafter.”
“Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles of
territory?”
“Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was
far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in
longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her
means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed by
falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body when
last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various
geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the
deposit of the remainder.”
“And the monikin region, sir—what was the consequence of this
phenomenon to that part of the world?”
“Awful—sublime—various—and durable! The more important, or the personal
consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the monikin
species were scalded to death. A great many contracted asthmas and
other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges
were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and large stores of
provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance and violent
character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the unpleasant
consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and agreeable
melioration of the climate, which regained most of its ancient
character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudtz, by a
sudden acquisition of wisdom.
“The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:—By
the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into space,
finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth was canted
from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with its axis
having an inclination of 23 degrees 27′ to the plane of its orbit. At
the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, restrained by
antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called its annual
revolution.”
“I can very well understand, friend Reasono,” observed Noah, “why the
’arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship
would right again when the puff was over; but I cannot understand how a
little steam leaking out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at
the rate we are told this world travels?”
“If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving it
every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its
orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this escape of
the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical and regular,
nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four
hours, and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and its
impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on which the
earth receives this impetus, can be easily illustrated by a familiar
experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled fowling-piece, load
both barrels with extra quantities of powder, introduce a ball and two
wads into each barrel, place the breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the
abdomen, and take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the
balls will give an example of the action of the forty thousand square
miles of territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to
imitate the impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth.”
“While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set
both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the ’arth
should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he had
got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing.”
“The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not stop,
can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:—Take Captain Noah
Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the power of motion;
lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will
gain him admission to the base of the column; let him ascend to the
summit; thence let him leap with all his energy, in a direction at
right angles with the shaft of the column, into the open air; and it
will be found that, though the original impulsion would not probably
impel the body more than ten or twelve feet, motion would continue
until it had reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved that all
bodies in which the vis inertia has been overcome will continue in
motion, until they come in contact with some power capable of stopping
them.”
“King!—Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the ’arth makes its circuit,
as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a
little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a rudder, which
causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take
more room than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled to run so
many millions of miles, before, as it were, she comes up to the wind
ag’in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; whereas, I never could
reconcile it to my natur’, that these little bits of stars should keep
a craft like the ’arth in her course, with such a devil of a way on
her, as we know in reason she must have, to run so far in a
twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw—and, for a hooker of her keel, a
thousand miles wouldn’t be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a
ship—the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the Jupiter, or the
Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-board work such as
mortal never before witnessed!”
“We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; nor
do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own
objection.”
“Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a
steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, and
the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash’d hard
aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the hour,
without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all
this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir, any child
could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some fifty or a
hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it appears to me, it
is much more rational to suppose is the natur’ of the ’arth’s
traversing, than all this steering small among stars and attractions.”
“There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your
suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first occasion
to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before the Academy
of Leaphigh.”
“With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good
liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to be
gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I’m throwing
out hints of this natur’ I will just intimate another that you may add
to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a corollary; which
is this—that is to say—if all you tell us about the bursting of the
boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the ’arth the first
steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings of the French, and
the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians, on this point, are no
more than so much smoke.”
“And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke,” I ventured to observe.
“Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don’t well see how Fulton
could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, and
most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life.”
We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the
navigator’s distinctions; and the philosopher’s lecture, in its more
didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory
conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions
were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly
answered by the Doctor and his friends.
At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he
loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view to
what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank expose
of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means for
gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further details
of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other great
social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was wealthy
beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be an
expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good
practical geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77
degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own account of
himself, had passed half his life in poking about among the sterile and
uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to prevent the
most earnest wishes of all present from being gratified? The captain
was out of employment, and no doubt would be glad to get the command of
a good tight sea-boat; the strangers pined for home, and it was my most
ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by taking a further
interest in monikins.
On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to undertake
the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened strangers to their
own firesides and families. The Captain soon began to discover a little
of his Stunin’tun propensity; for the more I pressed the matter on him,
the more readily he found objections. The several motives he urged for
declining the proposal, may be succinctly given as follows:—
It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see
Stunin’tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it
was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less of one
to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead seals and
bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for anything
he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, for his part, he
should like to be buried when he was good for nothing else. How did he
know these monikins might not catch the men, when they had once fairly
got them in their country, and strip them, and make them throw
summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the
Lady Chatterissa to do?—he knew he should break his neck the very first
flap-jack; if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should like the
frolic; he did not believe the right sort of craft could be found in
England, and for his part, he liked sailing under the stars and
stripes; he didn’t know but he might go if he had a crew of
Stunin’tunners; he always knew how to get along with such people; he
could scare one by threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and
bring another to reason by hinting that the gals would shy him if he
wasn’t more accommodating; then there might be no such place as
Leaphigh, after all; or, if there was, he might never find it; as for
wearing a bison-skin under the equator, it was quite out of the
question, a human skin being a heavy load to carry in the calm
latitudes; and finally that he didn’t exactly see what he was to get by
it.
These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which
they were made, and commencing with the last.
I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal
brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah’s eyes, though he shook his
head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested that there
was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were well stored
with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner, and that
hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own private account.
At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I thought he was about to
suffer himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. After trying
all our united rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary
offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine of
human weakness, and the old sealer, who had resisted money—an influence
of known efficacy at Stunin’tun—ambition, the secret of new sealing
grounds, and all the ordinary inducements that might be thought to have
weight with men of his class, was, in the end, hooked by his own
vanity!
The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be in
reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the
captain’s peculiar views touching the earth’s annual revolution, and of
the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, when
all the dogmatical old navigator’s scruples melted away like snow in a
thaw.