_A Court of Justice._
BALANCE, SCALE, _and_ SCRUPLE, _upon the Bench_;
CONSTABLE, KITE, MOB.
KITE _and_ CONSTABLE _advance_.
_Kite._ Pray, who are those honourable gentlemen upon the bench?
_Const._ He in the middle is Justice Balance, he on the right is Justice
Scale, and he on the left is Justice Scruple, and I am Mr. Constable;
four very honest gentlemen.
_Kite._ O dear, sir! I am your most obedient servant. [_Saluting the_
CONSTABLE.] I fancy, sir, that your employment and mine are much the
same; for my business is to keep people in order, and, if they disobey,
to knock them down; and then we are both staff officers.
_Const._ Nay, I'm a serjeant myself--of the militia--Come, brother, you
shall see me exercise. Suppose this a musket; now I'm shouldered.
[_Puts his Staff on his right Shoulder._
_Kite._ Ay, you are shouldered pretty well for a constable's staff, but
for a musket you must put it on the other shoulder, my dear!
_Const._ Adso! that's true--Come, now give the word of command.
_Kite._ Silence.
_Const._ Ay, ay, so we will--we will be silent.
_Kite._ Silence, you dog, silence!
[_Strikes him over the Head with his Halbert._
_Const._ That's the way to silence a man with a witness. What do you
mean, friend?
_Kite._ Only to exercise you, sir.
_Const._ Your exercise differs so much from ours, that we shall ne'er
agree about it; if my own captain had given me such a rap, I had taken
the law of him.
_Enter_ PLUME.
_Bal._ Captain, you're welcome.
_Plume._ Gentlemen, I thank you.
_Scrup._ Come, honest captain, sit by me. [PLUME _ascends, and sits upon
the Bench_.]--Now, produce your prisoners----Here, that fellow there,
set him up. Mr. Constable, what have you to say against this man?
_Const._ I have nothing to say against him, an' please you.
_Bal._ No; what made you bring him hither?
_Const._ I don't know, an' please your worship.
_Scale._ Did not the contents of your warrant direct you what sort of
men to take up?
_Const._ I can't tell, an' please ye; I can't read.
_Scrup._ A very pretty constable, truly. I find we have no business
here.
_Kite._ May it please the worshipful bench, I desire to be heard in this
case, as being the counsel for the king.
_Bal._ Come, serjeant, you shall be heard, since nobody else will speak;
we won't come here for nothing.
_Kite._ This man is but one man, the country may spare him, and the army
wants him; besides, he's cut out by nature for a grenadier; he's five
feet ten inches high; he shall box, wrestle, or dance the Cheshire
round with any man in the country; he gets drunk every Sabbath-day, and
he beats his wife.
_Wife._ You lie, sirrah, you lie; an please your worship, he's the best
natured pains-taking'st man in the parish, witness my five poor
children.
_Scrup._ A wife and five children? you constable, you rogue, how durst
you impress a man that has a wife and five children?
_Scale._ Discharge him, discharge him.
_Bal._ Hold, gentlemen. Harkye, friend, how do you maintain your wife
and five children?
_Plume._ They live upon wild-fowl and venison, sir; the husband keeps a
gun, and kills all the hares and partridges within five miles round.
_Bal._ A gun! nay if he be so good at gunning, he shall have enough
on't. He may be of use against the French, for he shoots flying to be
sure.
_Scrup._ But his wife and children, Mr. Balance?
_Wife._ Ay, ay, that's the reason you would send him away; you know I
have a child every year, and you are afraid that they should come upon
the parish at last.
_Plume._ Lookye there, gentlemen; the honest woman has spoke it at once;
the parish had better maintain five children this year, than six or
seven the next. That fellow, upon this high feeding, may get you two or
three beggars at a birth.
_Wife._ Lookye, Mr. Captain, the parish shall get nothing by sending him
away, for I won't lose my teeming-time, if there be a man left in the
parish.
_Bal._ Send that woman to the house of correction,----and the man----
_Kite._ I'll take care of him, if you please. [_Takes him down._
_Scale._ Here, you constable, the next. Set up that black-faced fellow,
he has a gunpowder look; what can you say against this man, constable?
_Const._ Nothing, but that he's a very honest man.
_Plume._ Pray, gentlemen, let me have one honest man in my company, for
the novelty's sake.
_Bal._ What are you, friend?
_Mob._ A collier; I work in the coal-pits.
_Scrup._ Lookye, gentlemen, this fellow has a trade, and the act of
parliament here expresses, that we are to impress no man that has any
visible means of a livelihood.
_Kite._ May it please your worship, this man has no visible means of a
livelihood, for he works underground.
_Plume._ Well said, Kite; besides, the army wants miners.
_Bal._ Right, and had we an order of government for't, we could raise
you in this and the neighbouring county of Stafford, five hundred
colliers, that would run you under ground like moles, and do more
service in a siege, than all the miners in the army.
_Scrup._ Well, friend, what have you to say for yourself?
_Mob._ I'm married.
_Kite._ Lack-a-day! so am I.
_Mob._ Here's my wife, poor woman.
_Bal._ Are you married, good woman?
_Woman._ I'm married in conscience.
_Kite._ May it please your worship, she's with child in conscience.
_Scale._ Who married you, mistress?
_Woman._ My husband: we agreed that I should call him husband, to avoid
passing for a whore, and that he should call me wife, to shun going for
a soldier.
_Plume._ A very pretty couple! What say you, Mr. Kite? will you take
care of the woman?
_Kite._ Yes, sir, she shall go with us to the sea-side, and there, if
she has a mind to drown herself, we'll take care nobody shall hinder
her.
_Bal._ Here, constable, bring in my man.[_Exit_ CONSTABLE.] Now,
captain, I'll fit you with a man such as you never listed in your life.
_Enter_ CONSTABLE _and_ SYLVIA.
Oh, my friend Pinch! I'm very glad to see you.
_Syl._ Well, sir, and what then?
_Scale._ What then! is that your respect to the bench?
_Syl._ Sir, I don't care a farthing for you, nor your bench neither.
_Scrup._ Lookye, gentlemen, that's enough; he's a very impudent fellow,
and fit for a soldier.
_Scale._ A notorious rogue, I say, and very fit for a soldier.
_Const._ A whoremaster, I say, and therefore fit to go.
_Bal._ What think you, captain?
_Plume._ I think he's a very pretty fellow, and therefore fit to serve.
_Syl._ Me for a soldier! send your own lazy lubberly sons at home;
fellows that hazard their necks every day, in the pursuit of a fox, yet
dare not peep abroad to look an enemy in the face.
_Const._ May it please your worships, I have a woman at the door to
swear a rape against this rogue.
_Syl._ Is it your wife, or daughter, booby?
_Bal._ Pray, captain, read the articles of war; we'll see him listed
immediately.
_Plume._ [Reads. _Articles of war, against mutiny and desertion, &c._
_Syl._ Hold, sir----Once more, gentlemen, have a care what you do; for
you shall severely smart for any violence you offer to me; and you, Mr.
Balance, I speak to you particularly, you shall heartily repent it.
_Plume._ Lookye, young spark, say but one word more, and I'll build a
horse for you as high as the ceiling, and make you ride the most
tiresome journey that ever you made in your life.
_Syl._ You have made a fine speech, good Captain Huff-cap! but you had
better be quiet; I shall find a way to cool your courage.
_Plume._ Pray, gentlemen, don't mind him, he's distracted.
_Syl._ 'Tis false! I am descended of as good a family as any in your
county; my father is as good a man as any upon your bench, and I am heir
to twelve hundred pounds a-year.
_Bal._ He's certainly mad. Pray, captain, read the articles of war.
_Syl._ Hold, once more. Pray, Mr. Balance, to you I speak; suppose I
were your child, would you use me at this rate?
_Bal._ No, 'faith: were you mine, I would send you to Bedlam first, and
into the army afterwards.
_Syl._ But consider my father, sir; he's as good, as generous, as brave,
as just a man as ever served his country; I'm his only child; perhaps
the loss of me may break his heart.
_Bal._ He's a very great fool if it does. Captain, if you don't list him
this minute, I'll leave the court.
_Plume._ Kite, do you distribute the levy money to the men, while I
read.
_Kite._ Ay, sir. Silence, gentlemen!
[PLUME _reads the Articles of War_.
_Bal._ Very well; now, captain, let me beg the favour of you not to
discharge this fellow, upon any account whatsoever. Bring in the rest.
_Const._ There are no more, an't please your worship.
_Bal._ No more! There were five, two hours ago.
_Syl._ 'Tis true, sir; but this rogue of a constable let the rest
escape, for a bribe of eleven shillings a man, because he said the act
allowed him but ten, so the odd shilling was clear gains.
_All Just._ How!
_Syl._ Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away for two guineas, but I
had not so much about me: this is truth, and I am ready to swear it.
_Kite._ And I'll swear it: give me the book--'tis for the good of the
service.
_Mob._ May it please your worship, I gave him half a crown, to say that
I was an honest man; but now, since that your worships have made me a
rogue, I hope I shall have my money again.
_Bal._ 'Tis my opinion, that this constable be put into the captain's
hands, and if his friends don't bring four good men for his ransom by
to-morrow night, captain, you shall carry him to Flanders.
_Scale. Scrup._ Agreed, agreed.
_Plume._ Mr. Kite, take the constable into custody.
_Kite._ Ay, ay, sir. [_To the_ CONSTABLE.] Will you please to have your
office taken from you? or will you handsomely lay down your staff, as
your betters have done before you?
[CONSTABLE _drops his Staff_.
_Bal._ Come, gentlemen, there needs no great ceremony in adjourning this
court. Captain, you shall dine with me.
_Kite._ Come, Mr. Militia Serjeant, I shall silence you now, I believe,
without your taking the law of me. [_Exeunt._