_For over half a mile the pavement on the East side of the
road is thronged with promenaders, and the curbstone lined
with stalls and barrows, and hawkers of various wares.
Marketing housewives with covered baskets oscillate
undecidedly from stalls to shops, and put off purchasing to
the last possible moment. Maids-of-all-work perambulate arm
in arm, exchanging airy badinage with youths of their
acquaintance, though the latter seem to prefer the society
of their own sex. A man with a switchback skittle-board plays
gloomy games by himself to an unspeculative group of small
boys. The tradesmen stand outside their shops and conduct
their business with a happy blend of the methods of a
travelling showman and a clown._
_Burlesque Butcher._ Now then all o' _you_ there! Buy, buy, buy! Jest
give yer minds to spendin' yer money! (_In a tone of artless wonder._)
Where _does_ the Butcher git this _luverly_ meat? What can I do fur
_you_ now, Marm? (_Triumphantly, after selling the scrag-end of a neck
of mutton._) _Now_ we're busy!
_Farcical Fishmonger_ (_with two Comic Assistants_). Ahar! (_To
crowd._) Come 'ere, you silly young snorkers! I've the quali_tee!_
I've the quali_tay!_ _Keep_ takin' money!
_First Comic Assistant._ Ahye! Foppence a pound nice plaice! Kippers
two fur three 'apence. _We_'re the Perfeshnal Curers! What are yer all
goin' to _do?_ Sort 'em out cheap!
_Second C. A._ I don't mind. What care I? (_Bursting into song._)
"'Ow, she rowled me 'ed, and rumbled in the 'ay!" On me word, she did,
ladies!
[_He executes a double shuffle, and knocks over several boxes
of bloaters in the gaiety of his heart._
_A Hawker of Penny Memorandum Books_ (_to an audience of small boys_).
Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical
_hideers!_
[_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a note-book
in which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his
hearers do not appear to agree with him._
_A Lugubrious Vendor._ One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one
different!
_A Rude Boy._ You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer,
guv'nor?
[Illustration: 'You ain't bin a _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer,
guv'nor?"]
_A Crockery Merchant_ (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling
hideousness_). _I_ don't care--it's self-sacrifice to give away!
Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin'
_good!_ It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you
people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to
b'lieve _me_--ony to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no
fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these
vawses--all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most
expensive ever made--the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm
doin' is this--(_he lowers his voice mysteriously_)--arf the stuff I
'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways!_
[_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm
of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up
briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._
_A Sanctimonious Young Man_ (_with a tongue too large for his mouth,
who has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only
'ere to-night, my friends, as a paid servant--for the purpose of
deciding a wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertisement lately
in the _Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge
and orfer arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware
that it is illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is
_not_ my intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces
of gold, guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and
'all-marked, which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I
shall now perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more.
I am not allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person----
[_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is
postponed until a more favourable opportunity._
_First "General"_ (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them
coloured felt 'ats--all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens!
_Second "G."_ They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is
gone out o' fashion now.
_First "G."_ Don't you believe it, SARAH. Why, my married sister
bought one on'y last week!
_Coster_ (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after
a prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad
bin layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave!
_First Itinerant Physician_ (_as he screws up fragments of candy in
pieces of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up
now. I arsk you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm
goin' to _give_ it away--you understand?--that's all. And now I'm
goin' to tork to you about suthink else. You see this small bottle
what I 'old up. I tell you there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this
present moment as 'ud give a shillin' fur one of these--and I offer
it to you at one penny! It corrects all nerve-pains connected with
the 'ed, cures earache, toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint,
fits, an' syhatica. Each bottle is charged with helectricity, forming
a complete galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the
bottle to one o' your nawstrils, first closing the other with your
finger. You will find it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_
that sniff, you'll find the worter comin' into your heyes--and that's
the helectricity. You'll say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a
_fluid_." (_With withering scorn._) Very _likely!_ You _'ave!_ An'
_why?_ Be-cawse o' the hignirant notions prevailin' about scientific
affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles contains a battery, and to heach
purchaser I myke 'im a present--a _present_, mind yer--of Frog in 'is
Froat!
_Susan Jane_ (_to_ LIZERANN, _before a stall where "Novelettes,
three a penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a
penn'orth, an' you go 'alves along o' me?
_Lizerann._ Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_
mind, whatever _you_ 'ave!
_A Vendor of "'Ore'ound Tablets"_ (_he is a voluble young man, with
considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough-lozenges
as not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller,
as you see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a
lassoo-soot as belonged to my Uncle BILL, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why,
I've took over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive
you; you may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to git two
good ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do.
This is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always
bin like I am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin'
wunnerful well, too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and
went on the booze, and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and
got a berth sellin' these 'ere Wangoo Tablets--and now I've got a neat
little missus, and a nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never
a week passes but what I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair
o' noo socks. Soon as the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf
to Yarmouth. And what's the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My
Uncle BILL, as lives at Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and
a light waggon, _he_'s doin' wunnerful well, and he'd take me into
partnership to-morrow, he would. But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's
the reason I kin go on torkin' to you like this night after night,
without injury to my voice? Shall I tell yer? Because, every night
o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take four o' these Wangoo
Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take them to the nearest
doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he _will_, and you
'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them tablets--after your
pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You won't want no more
drink, you'll find they make you come 'ome reglar every evening, and
be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to persevere for a bit
with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself, doin' _wunnerful_
well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a sheepish head in
a pot-hat which is visible over the back of his stall._) Born and bred
in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right!_ Bin over 'ere six year, so o'
course 'e speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right. Now I'm no Amerikin
myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the Amerikins are,
allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at liberty to go
and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real Amerikin invention
or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right, too! An' it stands
to reason as _he_ orter to know, seein' he interdooced it 'imself and
doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come 'ere to _rob_
yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now. I give it
her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told her.
Well, that just shows yer what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets
_are!_
[_After this practical illustration of their efficacy, he
pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron
purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar
halo of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of
her household._
_Lizerann_ (_to_ SUSAN JANE, _as they walk homewards_). On'y
fancy--the other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement,
a cab-'orse come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my
shoulder and breathed right in my ear!
_Susan Jane_ (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell!
[LIZERANN _is clearly disquieted by so mystical an
interpretation, even while she denies having done anything
deserving of a supernatural rebuke_.
* * * * *