LADY DELACOUR’S HISTORY CONTINUED.
“I left off with the true skill of a good story-teller, at the most
interesting part--a duel; and yet duels are so common now that they are
really vulgar incidents.
“But we think that a duel concerning ourselves must be more
extraordinary than any other. We hear of men being shot in duels about
nothing every day, so it is really a weakness in me to think so much
about poor Lawless’s death, as Harriot Freke said to me at the time. She
expected to see me show sorrow in _public_; but very fortunately for
me, she roused my pride, which was always stronger than my reason; and I
behaved myself upon the occasion as became a fine lady. There were some
things, however, I could hardly stand. You must know that Lawless, fool
and coxcomb as he was, had some magnanimity, and showed it--as some
people do from whom it is least expected--on his death-bed. The last
words he said were, ‘Lady Delacour is innocent--I charge you, don’t
prosecute Lord Delacour.’ This he said to his mother, who, to complete
my misery, is one of the most respectable women in England, and was
most desperately fond of Lawless, who was an only son. She never has
recovered his loss. Do you remember asking me who a tall elderly lady in
mourning was, that you saw getting into her carriage one day, at South
Audley-street chapel, as we passed by in our way to the park? That was
Lady Lawless: I believe I didn’t answer you at the time. I meet her
every now and then--to me a spectre of dismay. But, as Harriot Freke
said, certainly such a man as poor Lawless was a useless being in
society, however he may be regretted by a doting mother. We should see
things in a philosophical light, if we can. I should not have suffered
half as much as I did if he had been a man of a stronger understanding;
but he was a poor, vain, weak creature, that I actually drew on and
duped with my own coquetry, whilst all the time I was endeavouring only
to plague Lord Delacour. I was punished enough by the airs his
lordship doubly gave himself, upon the strength of his valour and his
judgment--they roused me completely; and I blamed him with all my might,
and got an enormous party of my friends, I mean my acquaintance, to
run him down full cry, for having fought for me. It was absurd--it was
rash--it was want of proper confidence in his wife; _thus we_ said. Lord
Delacour had his partisans, it is true; amongst whom the loudest was
odious Mrs. Luttridge. I embraced the first opportunity I met with of
retaliation. You must know that Mrs. Luttridge, besides being a great
faro-player, was a great dabbler in politics; for she was almost as fond
of power as of money: she talked loud and fluently, and had, somehow or
other, partly by intriguing, partly by relationship, connected herself
with some of the leading men in parliament. There was to be a contested
election in our country: Mr. Luttridge had a good estate there next
to Lord Delacour’s, and being of an ancient family, and keeping a good
table, the Luttridges were popular enough. At the first news of an
election, out comes a flaming advertisement from Mr. Luttridge; away
posted Mrs. Luttridge to begin her canvass, and away posted Lady
Delacour after her, to canvass for a cousin of Harriot Freke. This was a
new scene for me; but I piqued myself on the versatility of my talents,
and I laid myself out in please all the squires, and, what was more
difficult, all the squires’ ladies, in ----shire. I was ambitious to
have it said of me, ‘that I was the finest figure that ever appeared
upon a canvass.’ O, ye ----shireians, how hard did I work to obtain your
praise! All that the combined force of vanity and hatred could inspire
I performed, and with success. You have but little curiosity, I presume,
to know how many hogsheads of port went down the throat of John Bull, or
how many hecatombs were offered up to the genius of English liberty. My
hatred to Mrs. Luttridge was, of course, called love of my country. Lady
Delacour was deified by all _true_ patriots; and, luckily, a handsome
legacy left me for my spirit, by an uncle who died six weeks before the
election, enabled us to sustain the expense of my apotheosis. The day of
election came; Harriot Freke and I made our appearance on the hustings,
dressed in splendid party uniforms; and before us our knights and
squires held two enormous panniers full of ribands and cockades, which
we distributed with a grace that won all hearts, if not all votes. Mrs.
Luttridge thought the panniers would carry the election; and forthwith
she sent off an express for a pair of panniers twice as large as ours. I
took out my pencil, and drew a caricature of _the ass and her panniers_;
wrote an epigram at the bottom of it; and the epigram and the caricature
were soon in the hands of half ----shire. The verses were as bad as
impromptus usually are, and the drawing was not much better than
the writing; but the _good-will_ of the critics supplied all my
deficiencies; and never was more praise bestowed upon the pen of Burke,
or the pencil of Reynolds, than was lavished upon me by my honest
friends. My dear Belinda, if you will not quarrel with the quality, you
may have what quantity of praise you please. Mrs. Luttridge, as I hoped
and expected, was beyond measure enraged at the sight of the caricature
and epigram. She was, besides being a gamester and a politician--what do
you think?--an excellent shot! She wished, she said, to be a man, that
she might be qualified to take proper notice of my conduct. The same
kind friends who showed her my epigram repeated to me her observation
upon it. Harriot Freke was at my elbow, and offered to take any
_message_ I might think proper to Mrs. Luttridge. I scarcely thought her
in earnest till she added, that the only way left now-a-days for a woman
to distinguish herself was by spirit; as every thing else was grown
‘cheap and vulgar in the eyes of men;’ that she knew one of the
cleverest young men in England, and a man of fashion into the bargain,
who was just going to publish a treatise ‘upon the Propriety and
Necessity of Female Duelling;’ and that he had demonstrated, beyond
a possibility of doubt, that civilized society could not exist half
a century longer without this necessary improvement. I had prodigious
deference for the masculine superiority, as I thought it, of Harriot’s
understanding. She was a philosopher, and a fine lady--I was only a fine
lady; I had never fired a pistol in my life, and I was a little inclined
to cowardice; but Harriot offered to bet any wager upon the steadiness
of my hand, and assured me that I should charm all beholders in male
attire. In short, as my second, if I would furnish her with proper
credentials, she swore she would undertake to furnish me with clothes,
and pistols, and courage, and every thing I wanted. I sat down to pen
my challenge. When I was writing it, my hand did not tremble _much_--not
more than my Lord Delacour’s always does. The challenge was very
prettily worded: I believe I can repeat it.
“‘Lady Delacour presents her compliments to Mrs. Luttridge--she is
informed that Mrs. L---- wishes she were a man, that she might be
qualified to take _proper_ notice of Lady D----‘s conduct. Lady Delacour
begs leave to assure Mrs. Luttridge, that though she has the misfortune
to be a woman, she is willing to account for her conduct in any manner
Mrs. L---- may think proper, and at any hour and place she may appoint.
Lady D---- leaves the choice of the weapons to Mrs. L----. Mrs. H.
Freke, who has the honour of presenting this note, is Lady Delacour’s
_friend_ upon this occasion.’
“I cannot repeat Mrs. Luttridge’s answer; all I know is, it was not half
as neatly worded as my note; but the essential part of it was, that she
accepted my challenge _with pleasure_, and should do herself the honour
of meeting me at six o’clock the next morning; that Miss Honour O’Grady
would be her _friend_ upon the occasion; and that pistols were the
weapons she preferred. The place of appointment was behind an old barn,
about two miles from the town of ----. The hour was fixed to be early in
the morning, to prevent all probability of interruption. In the evening,
Harriot and I rode to the ground. There were several bullets sticking in
the posts of the barn: this was the place where Mrs. Luttridge had been
accustomed to exercise herself in firing at a mark. I own my courage
‘oozed out’ a little at this sight. The Duke de la Rochefoucault, I
believe, said truly, that ‘many would be cowards if they dared.’ There
seemed to me to be no physical and less moral necessity for my fighting
this duel; but I did not venture to reason on a point of honour with
my spirited second. I bravadoed to Harriot most magnanimously; but at
night, when Marriott was undressing me, I could not forbear giving her
a hint, which I thought might tend to preserve the king’s peace, and
the peace of the county. I went to the ground in the morning in good
spirits, and with a safe conscience. Harriot was in admiration of my
‘lion-port;’ and, to do her justice, she conducted herself with great
coolness upon the occasion; but then it may be observed, that it was I
who was to stand fire, and not she. I thought of poor Lawless a billion
of times, at least, as we were going to the ground; and I had my
presentiments, and my confused notions of poetic justice: but poetic
justice, and all other sorts of justice, went clear out of my head, when
I saw my antagonist and her friend, actually pistol in hand, waiting for
us; they were both in men’s clothes. I secretly called upon the name of
Marriott with fervency, and I looked round with more anxiety than ever
Bluebeard’s wife, or ‘Anne, sister Anne!’ looked to see if any body
was coming: nothing was to be seen but the grass blown by the wind--no
Marriott to throw herself _toute éplorée_ between the combatants--no
peace-officers to bind us over to our good behaviour--no deliverance at
hand; and Mrs. Luttridge, by all the laws of honour, as challenged, was
to have the first shot. Oh, those laws of honour! I was upon the point
of making an apology, in spite of them all, when, to my inexpressible
joy, I was relieved from the dreadful alternative of being shot through
the head, or of becoming a laughing-stock for life, by an incident, less
heroic, I’ll grant you, than opportune. But you shall have the whole
scene, as well as I can recollect it; _as well_--for those who for the
first time go into a field of battle do not, as I am credibly informed
and internally persuaded, always find the clearness of their memories
improved by the novelty of their situation. Mrs. Luttridge, when we came
up, was leaning, with a truly martial negligence, against the wall of
the barn, with her pistol, as I told you, in her hand. She spoke not
a word; but her second, Miss Honour O’Grady, advanced towards us
immediately, and, taking off her hat very manfully, addressed herself
to my second--‘Mistress Harriot Freke, I presume, if I mistake not.’
Harriot bowed slightly, and answered, ‘Miss Honour O’Grady, I presume,
if I mistake not.’ ‘The same, at your service,’ replied Miss Honour.
‘I have a few words to suggest that may save a great deal of noise, and
bloodshed, and ill-will.’ ‘As to noise,’ said Harriot, ‘it is a thing in
which I delight, therefore I beg that mayn’t be spared on my account; as
to bloodshed, I beg that may not be spared on Lady Delacour’s account,
for her honour, I am sure, is dearer to her than her blood; and, as to
ill-will, I should be concerned to have that saved on Mrs. Luttridge’s
account, as we all know it is a thing in which she delights, even more
than I do in noise, or Lady Delacour in blood: but pray proceed,
Miss Honour O’Grady; you have a few words to suggest.’ ‘Yes, I would
willingly observe, as it is my duty to my _principal_,’ said Honour,
‘that one who is compelled to fire her pistol with her left hand, though
ever so good a shot _naturally_, is by no means on a footing with one
who has the advantage of her right hand.’ Harriot rubbed my pistol with
the sleeve of her coat, and I, recovering my wit with my hopes of being
witty with impunity, answered, ‘Unquestionably, left-handed wisdom and
left-handed courage are neither of them the very best of their kinds;
but we must content ourselves with them _if_ we can have no other.’
‘That _if_,’ cried Honour O’Grady, ‘is not, like most of the family of
the _ifs_, a peace-maker. My Lady Delacour, I was going to observe that
my principal has met with an unfortunate accident, in the shape of a
whitlow on the fore-finger of her right hand, which incapacitates her
from drawing a trigger; but I am at your service, ladies, either of
you, that can’t put up with a disappointment with good humour.’ I never,
during the whole course of my existence, was more disposed to bear
a disappointment with good humour, to prove that I was incapable of
bearing malice; and to oblige the seconds, for form’s sake, I agreed
that we should take our ground, and fire our pistols into the air. Mrs.
Luttridge, with her left-handed wisdom, fired first; and I, with great
magnanimity, followed her example. I must do my adversary’s second, Miss
Honour O’Grady, the justice to observe, that in this whole affair she
conducted herself not only with the spirit, but with the good-nature
and generosity characteristic of her nation. We met enemies, and parted
friends.
“Life is a tragicomedy! Though the critics will allow of no such thing
in their books, it is a true representation of what passes in the
world; and of all lives mine has been the most grotesque mixture, or
alternation, I should say, of tragedy and comedy. All this is apropos to
something I have not told you yet. This comic duel ended tragically
for me. ‘How?’ you say. Why, ‘tis clear that I was not shot through the
head; but it would have been better, a hundred times better for me, if
I had; I should have been spared, in this life at least, the torments
of the damned. I was not used to priming and loading: my pistol was
overcharged: when I fired, it recoiled, and I received a blow on my
breast, the consequences of which you have seen.
“The pain was nothing at the moment compared with what I have since
experienced: but I will not complain till I cannot avoid it. I had not,
at the time I received the blow, much leisure for lamentation; for I had
scarcely discharged my pistol when we heard a loud shout on the other
side of the barn, and a crowd of town’s people, country people, and
haymakers, came pouring down the lane towards us, with rakes and
pitchforks in their hands. An English mob is really a formidable thing.
Marriott had mismanaged her business most strangely: she had, indeed,
spread a report of a duel--a female duel; but the untutored sense of
propriety amongst these rustics was so shocked at the idea of a duel
fought by women in _men’s clothes_, that I verily believe they would
have thrown us into the river with all their hearts. Stupid blockheads!
I am convinced that they would not have been half so much scandalized
if we had boxed in petticoats. The want of these petticoats had nearly
proved our destruction, or at least our disgrace: a peeress after being
ducked, could never have held her head above water again with any grace.
The mob had just closed round us, crying, ‘Shame! shame! shame!--duck
‘em--duck ‘em--gentle or simple--duck ‘em--duck ‘em’--when their
attention was suddenly turned towards a person who was driving up the
lane a large herd of squeaking, grunting pigs. The person was clad in
splendid regimentals, and he was armed with a long pole, to the end
of which hung a bladder, and his pigs were frightened, and they ran
squeaking from one side of the road to the other; and the pig-driver
in regimentals, in the midst of the noise, could not without difficulty
make his voice heard; but at last he was understood to say, that a bet
of a hundred guineas depended upon his being able to keep these pigs
ahead of a flock of turkeys that were following them; and he begged the
mob to give him and his pigs fair play. At the news of this wager,
and at the sight of the gentleman turned pig-driver, the mob were in
raptures; and at the sound of his voice, Harriot Freke immediately
exclaimed, ‘Clarence Hervey! by all that’s lucky!’”
“Clarence Hervey!” interrupted Belinda. “Clarence Hervey, my dear,”
said Lady Delacour, coolly: “he can do every thing, you know, even drive
pigs, better than any body else!--but let me go on.
“Harriot Freke shouted in a stentorian voice, which actually made your
pig-driver start: she explained to him in French our distress, and the
cause of it, Clarence was, as I suppose you have discovered long ago,
‘that cleverest young man in England who had written on the propriety
and necessity of female duelling.’ He answered Harriot in French--‘To
attempt your rescue by force would be vain; but I will do better, I
will make a diversion in your favour.’ Immediately our hero, addressing
himself to the sturdy fellow who held me in custody, exclaimed, ‘Huzza,
my boys! Old England for ever! Yonder comes a Frenchman with a flock of
turkeys. My pigs will beat them, for a hundred guineas. Old England for
ever, huzza!’
“As he spoke, the French officer, with whom Clarence Hervey had laid the
wager, appeared at the turn of the lane--his turkeys half flying--half
hobbling up the road before him. The Frenchman waved a red streamer over
the heads of his flock--Clarence shook a pole, from the top of which
hung a bladder full of beans. The pigs grunted, the turkeys gobbled,
and the mob shouted: eager for the fame of Old England, the crowd
followed Clarence with loud acclamations. The French officer was
followed with groans and hisses. So great was the confusion, and so
great the zeal of the patriots, that even the pleasure of ducking the
female duellists was forgotten in the general enthusiasm. All eyes and
all hearts were intent upon the race; and now the turkeys got foremost,
and now the pigs. But when we came within sight of the horsepond, I
heard one man cry, ‘Don’t forget the ducking.’ How I trembled! but our
knight shouted to his followers--‘For the love of Old England, my brave
boys, keep between my pigs and the pond:--if our pigs see the water,
they’ll run to it, and England’s undone.’
“The whole fury of the mob was by this speech conducted away from us.
‘On, on, my boys, into town, to the market-place: whoever gains the
market-place first wins the day.’ Our general shook the rattling bladder
in triumph over the heads of ‘the swinish multitude,’ and we followed in
perfect security in his train into the town.
“Men, women, and children, crowded to the windows and doors. ‘Retreat
into the first place you can,’ whispered Clarence to us: we were close
to him. Harriot Freke pushed her way into a milliner’s shop: I could not
get in after her, for a frightened pig turned back suddenly, and almost
threw me down. Clarence Hervey caught me, and favoured my retreat into
the shop. But poor Clarence lost his bet by his gallantry. Whilst he
was manoeuvring in my favour, the turkeys got several yards ahead of the
pigs, and reaching the market-place first, won the race.
“The French officer found great difficulty in getting safe out of the
town; but Clarence represented to the mob that he was a prisoner on his
parole, and that it would be unlike Englishmen to insult a prisoner. So
he got off without being pelted, and they both returned in safety to
the house of General Y----, where they were to dine, and where
they entertained a large party of officers with the account of this
adventure.
“Mrs. Freke and I rejoiced in our escape, and we thought that the whole
business was now over; but in this we were mistaken. The news of our
duel, which had spread in the town, raised such an uproar as had never
been heard, even at the noisiest election. Would you believe it?--The
fate of the election turned upon this duel. The common people, one and
all, declared that they would not vote either for Mr. Luttridge or Mr.
Freke, because _as how_--but I need not repeat all the _platitudes_
that they said. In short, neither ribands nor brandy could bring them
to reason. With true English pig-headedness, they went every man of them
and polled for an independent candidate of their own choosing, whose
wife, forsooth, was a proper behaved woman.
“The only thing I had to console me for all this was Clarence Hervey’s
opinion that I looked better in man’s clothes than my friend Harriot
Freke. Clarence was charmed with my spirit and grace; but he had not
leisure at that time to attach himself seriously to me, or to any thing.
He was then about nineteen or twenty: he was all vivacity, presumption,
and paradox; he was enthusiastic in support of his opinions; but he was
at the same time the most candid man in the world, for there was no set
of tenets which could be called exclusively his: he adopted in liberal
rotation every possible absurdity; and, to do him justice, defended each
in its turn with the most ingenious arguments that could be devised, and
with a flow of words which charmed the ear, if not the sense. His essay
on female duelling was a most extraordinary performance; it was handed
about in manuscript till it was worn out; he talked of publishing it,
and dedicating it to me. However, this scheme, amongst a million of
others, he _talked of_, but never put into execution. Luckily for him,
many of his follies evaporated in words. I saw but little either of him
or his follies at this time. All I know about him is, that after he
had lost his bet of a hundred guineas, as a pig-driver, by his
knight-errantry in rescuing the female duellists from a mob, he wrote a
very charming copy of verses upon the occasion; and that he was so much
provoked by the stupidity of some of his brother officers who could not
understand the verses, that he took a disgust to the army, and sold his
commission. He set out upon a tour to the continent, and I returned with
Harriot Freke to London, and forgot the existence of such a person as
Clarence Hervey for three or four years. Unless people can be of some
use, or unless they are actually present, let them be ever so agreeable
or meritorious, we are very apt to forget them. One grows strangely
selfish by living in the world: ‘tis a perfect cure for romantic notions
of gratitude, and love, and so forth. If I had lived in the country
in an old manor-house, Clarence Hervey would have doubtless reigned
paramount in my imagination as the deliverer of my life, &c. But in
London one has no time for thinking of deliverers. And yet what I did
with my time I cannot tell you: ‘tis gone, and no trace left. One day
after another went I know not how. Had I wept for every day I lost, I’m
sure I should have cried my eyes out before this time. If I had enjoyed
any amusement in the midst of this dissipation, it would all have been
very well; but I declare to you in confidence I have been tired to
death. Nothing can be more monotonous than the life of a hackneyed fine
lady;--I question whether a dray-horse, or--a horse in a mill, would
willingly exchange places with one, if they could know as much of the
matter as I do. You are surprised at hearing all this from me. My dear
Belinda, how I envy you! You are not yet tired of every thing. _The
world_ has still the gloss of novelty for you; but don’t expect that can
last above a season. My first winter was certainly entertaining enough.
One begins with being charmed with the bustle and glare, and what the
French call _spectacle_; this is over, I think, in six months. I can but
just recollect having been amused at the Theatres, and the Opera, and
the Pantheon, and Ranelagh, and all those places, for their own sakes.
Soon, very soon, we go out to see people, not things: then we grow tired
of seeing people; then we grow tired of being seen by people; and then
we go out merely because we can’t stay at home. A dismal story, and
a true one. Excuse me for showing you the simple truth; well-dressed
falsehood is a personage much more _presentable_. I am now come to an
epoch in my history in which there is a dearth of extraordinary events.
What shall I do? Shall I invent? I would if I could; but I cannot. Then
I must confess to you that during these last four years I should
have died of ennui if I had not been kept alive by my hatred of Mrs.
Luttridge and of my husband. I don’t know which I hate most--O, yes,
I do--I certainly hate Mrs. Luttridge the most; for a woman can always
hate a woman more than she can hate a man, unless she has been in love
with him, which I never was with poor Lord Delacour. Yes! I certainly
hate Mrs. Luttridge the most; I cannot count the number of extravagant
things I have done on purpose to eclipse her. We have had rival routs,
rival concerts, rival galas, rival theatres: she has cost me more than
_she’s_ worth; but then I certainly have mortified her once a month at
least. My hatred to Mrs. Luttridge, my dear, is the remote cause of
my love for you; for it was the cause of my intimacy with your aunt
Stanhope.--Mrs. Stanhope is really a clever woman--she knows how to turn
the hatred of all her friends and acquaintance to her own advantage.--To
serve lovers is a thankless office compared with that of serving
_haters_--polite haters I mean. It may be dangerous, for aught I know,
to interpose in the quarrels of those who hate their neighbours, not
only with all their souls, but with all their strength--the barbarians
fight it out, kiss, and are friends. The quarrels which never come to
blows are safer for a go-between; but even these are not to be compared
to such as never come to words: your true silent hatred is that which
lasts for ever. The moment it was known that Mrs. Luttridge and I had
come to the resolution never to speak to one another, your aunt
Stanhope began to minister to my hatred so, that she made herself quite
agreeable. She one winter gave me notice that my adversary had set her
heart upon having a magnificent entertainment on a particular day. On
that day I determined, of course, to have a rival gala. Mrs. Stanhope’s
maid had a lover, a gardener, who lived at Chelsea; and the gardener
had an aloe, which was expected soon to blow. Now a plant that blows but
once in a hundred years is worth having. The gardener intended to make
a public exhibition of it, by which he expected to gain about a hundred
guineas. Your aunt Stanhope’s maid got it from him for me for fifty; and
I had it whispered about that an aloe in full blow would stand in the
middle of one of Lady Delacour’s supper tables. The difficulty was to
make Mrs. Luttridge fix upon the very day we wanted; for you know we
could not possibly put off the blowing of our aloe. Your aunt Stanhope
managed the thing admirably by means of a _common friend_, who was not
a suspected person with the Luttridges; in short, my dear, I gained my
point--every body came from Mrs. Luttridge’s to me, or to my aloe. She
had a prodigiously fine supper, but scarcely a soul stayed with her;
they all came to see what could be seen but once in a hundred years. Now
the aloe, you know, is of a cumbersome height for a supper ornament. My
saloon luckily has a dome, and under the dome we placed it. Round the
huge china vase in which it was planted we placed the most beautiful, or
rather the most expensive hothouse plants we could procure. After all,
the aloe was an ugly thing; but it answered my purpose--it made Mrs.
Luttridge, as I am credibly informed, absolutely weep with vexation. I
was excessively obliged to your aunt Stanhope; and I assured her that if
ever it were in my power, she might depend upon my gratitude. Pray, when
you write, repeat the same thing to her, and tell her that since she has
introduced Belinda Portman to me, I am a hundred times more obliged to
her than ever I was before.
“But to proceed with my important history.--I will not tire you with
fighting over again all my battles in my seven years’ war with Mrs.
Luttridge. I believe love is more to your taste than hatred; therefore
I will go on as fast as possible to Clarence Hervey’s return from his
travels. He was much improved by them, or at least I thought so; for he
was heard to declare, that after all he had seen in France and Italy,
Lady Delacour appeared to him the most charming woman, _of her age_,
in Europe. The words, _of her age_, piqued me; and I spared no pains to
make him forget them. A stupid man cannot readily be persuaded out of
his senses--what he sees he sees, and neither more nor less; but ‘tis
the easiest thing in the world to catch hold of a man of genius: you
have nothing to do but to appeal from his senses to his imagination, and
then he sees with the eyes of his imagination, and hears with the ears
of his imagination; and then no matter what the age, beauty, or wit of
the charmer may be--no matter whether it be Lady Delacour or Belinda
Portman. I think I know Clarence Hervey’s character _au fin fond_, and I
could lead him where I pleased: but don’t be alarmed, my dear; you know
I can’t lead him into matrimony. You look at me, and from me, and you
don’t well know which way to look. You are surprised, perhaps, after
all that passed, all that I felt, and all that I still feel about poor
Lawless, I should not be cured of coquetry. So am I surprised; but
habit, fashion, the devil, I believe, lead us on: and then, Lord
Delacour is so obstinate and jealous--you can’t have forgotten the
_polite conversation_ that passed one morning at breakfast between his
lordship and me about Clarence Hervey; but neither does his lordship
know, nor does Clarence Hervey suspect, that my object with him is to
conceal from the world what I cannot conceal from myself--that I am a
dying woman. I am, and I see you think me, a strange, weak, inconsistent
creature. I was intended for something better, but now it is too late;
a coquette I have lived, and a coquette I shall die: I speak frankly to
you. Let me have the glory of leading Clarence Hervey about with me in
public for a few months longer, then I must quit the stage. As to love,
you know with me that is out of the question; all I ask or wish for is
admiration.”
Lady Delacour paused, and leaned back on the sofa; she appeared in great
pain.
“Oh!--I am sometimes,” resumed she, “as you see, in terrible pain. For
two years after I gave myself that blow with the pistol, I neglected the
warning twinges that I felt from time to time; at last I was terrified.
Marriott was the only person to whom I mentioned my fears, and she was
profoundly ignorant: she flattered me with false hopes, till, alas! it
was in vain to doubt of the nature of my complaint: then she urged me
to consult a physician; that I would not do--I could not--I never will
consult a physician,--I would not for the universe have my situation
known. You stare--you cannot enter into my feelings. Why, my dear, if
I lose admiration, what have I left? Would you have me live upon pity?
Consider what a dreadful thing it must be to me, who have no friends, no
family, to be confined to a sick room--a sick bed; ‘tis what I must come
to at last, but not yet--not yet. I have fortitude; I should despise
myself if I had no species of merit: besides, it is still some
occupation to me to act my part in public; and bustle, noise, nonsense,
if they do not amuse or interest me, yet they stifle reflection. May
you never know what it is to feel remorse! The idea of that poor wretch,
Lawless, whom I actually murdered as much as if I had shot him, haunts
me whenever I am alone. It is now between eight and nine years since he
died, and I have lived ever since in a constant course of dissipation;
but it won’t do--conscience, conscience will be heard! Since my health
has been weakened, I believe I have acquired more conscience. I really
think that my stupid lord, who has neither ideas nor sensations, except
when he is intoxicated, is a hundred times happier than I am. But I will
spare you, Belinda; I promised that you should not have a _scene_, and I
will keep my word. It is, however, a great relief to open my mind to one
who has some feeling: Harriot Freke has none; I am convinced that she
has no more feeling than this table. I have not yet told you how she has
used me. You know that it was she who led or rather dragged me into that
scrape with Lawless; for that I never reproached her. You know it was
she who frightened me into fighting that duel with Mrs. Luttridge;
for this I never reproached her. She has cost me my peace of mind, my
health, my life; she knows it, and she forsakes, betrays, insults, and
leaves me to die. I cannot command my temper sufficiently to be coherent
when I speak of her; I cannot express in words what I feel. How could
that most treacherous of beings, for ten years, make me believe that she
was my friend? Whilst I thought she really loved me, I pardoned her all
her faults--_all_--what a comprehensive word!--All, all I forgave; and
continually said--‘_but_ she has a good heart.’ A good heart!--she has
no heart!--she has no feeling for any living creature but herself. I
always thought that she cared for no one but for me; but now I find
she can throw me off as easily as she would her glove. And this, too, I
suppose she calls a frolic; or, in her own vulgar language, fun. Can you
believe it?--What do you think she has done, my dear? She has gone over
at last to odious Mrs. Luttridge-actually she has gone down with the
Luttridges to----shire. The independent member having taken the Chiltern
Hundreds, vacates his seat: a new election comes on directly: the
Luttridges are to bring in Freke--not Harriot’s cousin--they have cut
him,--but her husband, who is now to commence senator: he is to come
in for the county, upon condition that Luttridge shall have Freke’s
borough. Lord Delacour, without saying one syllable, has promised his
interest to this precious junto, and Lady Delacour is left a miserable
cipher. My lord’s motives I can clearly understand: he lost a thousand
guineas to Mrs. Luttridge this winter, and this is a convenient way of
paying her. Why Harriot should be so anxious to serve a husband whom
she hates, bitterly hates, might surprise any body who did not know
_les dessous des cartes_ as well as I do. You are but just come into the
world, Belinda--the world of wickedness, I mean, my dear, or you would
have heard what a piece of work there was a few years ago about Harriot
Freke and this cousin of hers. Without betraying her confidence, I may
just tell you what is known to every body, that she went so far, that if
it had not been for me, not a soul would have visited her: she swam in
the sea of folly out of her depth--the tide of fashion ebbed, and there
was she left sticking knee deep in the mud--a ridiculous, scandalous
figure. I had the courage and foolish good-nature to hazard myself for
her, and actually dragged her to terra firma:--how she has gone on
since I _cannot_ tell you precisely, because I am in the secret; but the
catastrophe is public: to make her peace with her husband, she gives
up her friend. Well, that I could have pardoned, if she had not been so
base as to go over to Mrs. Luttridge. Mrs. Luttridge offered (I’ve seen
the letter, and Harriot’s answer) to bring in Freke, the husband, and
to make both a county and a _family_ peace, on condition that Harriot
should give up all connexion with Lady Delacour. Mrs. Luttridge knew
this would provoke me beyond measure, and there is nothing she would not
do to gratify her mean, malevolent passions. She has succeeded for once
in her life. The blame of the duel, of course, is all thrown upon me.
And (would you believe it?) Harriot Freke, I am credibly informed,
throws all the blame of Lawless’s business on me; nay, hints that
Lawless’s deathbed declaration of my innocence was _very generous_. Oh,
the treachery, the baseness of this woman! And it was my fate to hear
all this last night at the masquerade. I waited, and waited, and looked
every where for Harriot--she was to be the widow Brady, I knew: at last
the widow Brady made her appearance, and I accosted her with all my
usual familiarity. The widow was dumb. I insisted upon knowing the cause
of this sudden loss of speech. The widow took me into another
apartment, unmasked, and there I beheld Mr. Freke, the husband. I was
astonished--had no idea of the truth. ‘Where is Harriot?’ I believe,
were the first words I said. ‘Gone to the country.’ ‘To the country!’
‘Yes; to----shire, with Mrs. Luttridge.’--Mrs. Luttridge--odious Mrs.
Luttridge! I could scarcely believe my senses. But Freke, who always
hated me, believing that I led his wife, instead of her leading me into
mischief, would have enjoyed my astonishment and my rage; so I concealed
both, with all possible presence of mind. He went on over-whelming me
with explanations and copies of letters; and declared it was at Mrs.
Freke’s request he did and said all this, and that he was to follow her
early the next morning to ----shire. I broke from him, simply wishing
him a good journey, and as much family peace as his patience merited. He
knows that I know his wife’s history, and though _she_ has no shame, he
has some. I had the _satisfaction_ to leave him blushing with anger, and
I supported the character of the comic muse a full hour afterwards,
to convince him that all their combined malice would fail to break
my spirit in public: what I suffer in private is known only to my own
heart.”
As she finished these words, Lady Delacour rose abruptly, and hummed a
new opera air. Then she retired to her boudoir, saying, with an air of
levity, to Belinda as she left the room,
“Good bye, my dear Belinda; I leave you to ruminate sweet and bitter
thoughts; to think of the last speech and confession of Lady Delacour,
or what will interest you much more, the first speech and confession
of--Clarence Hervey.”