genesis of that homosexuality which _Hirschfeld_ calls genuine. We find
a fixation upon the sisters, also a fixation upon the mother, and the
passionate love for the brothers, particularly for the older one, with
whose wife he sees himself driving off in a dream. That cousin really
stands for his brother. Through her union with his brother she had
acquired a new attraction for him. Before her marriage he was rather
indifferent towards her. The homosexual experiences with his younger
brother date back to his 16th year.
His craving for love affairs, the impulsion to women, was but a flight
away from the pursuit of man.
* * * * *
The next patient shows an entirely different constellation. Whereas
Xaver was clever enough to free himself from the terrible women through
his peculiar tactlessness, the following subject reassured himself by
conjuring up an ailment which became very troublesome, it is true, but
which proved an effective means of defence.
Mr. Christoph—we shall designate the subject by that name—is a victim
of chronic stomach trouble which, according to the opinion of various
physicians, is of a nervous origin. He has attacks of sharp gastric
pains, and loss of appetite so that he has grown very thin and looks
like an advanced victim of consumption. (Lungs and all other organs
are in excellent condition.) He cannot digest any meat, any attempt to
do so produces intense pain, and if he swallows so much as a mouthful
he is likely to vomit. He denies that he ever masturbated, and claims
that his sexual life is entirely normal. Formerly he was in the habit
of going around with girls, but it gave him no pleasure, probably
because prostitutes are disgusting to him, and with other girls he did
not care to become too intimate for ethical reasons. He would like
to be hypnotized so that he should be cured of his aversion to food.
I decline hypnosis and advise, instead, a complete analysis. Only in
that way may he learn the way to a complete cure. He insists he has not
withheld anything in his talk with me. He has told me everything and
wants hypnosis by all means but this I refuse.
He says he will think it over. My questions took him by surprise. He
was unprepared. He is one of those men who have to think matters over
and don’t make up their mind in a hurry. One of his rules through
which he learned to protect himself against life’s sudden perplexities
is: “Don’t lose your head. Think it over.”
He calls a few times continually talking about his pains. One day he
states that he has about made up his mind to quit. But next day he
returns and brings me a lengthy written document: “You have asked me
repeatedly about my dreams. I have written down my last night’s dreams.
I always dream a lot and my dreams are always lively and about like
those of last night. I have also brought along my true confessions to
let you know what I really am. You will see from the confession of my
life history what brought about my illness. I see I cannot get along
any more trying to keep it all to myself. Let the truth come out.”
I am now giving this life history as it was presented to me in writing,
following it up with the dream report.
_The Story of My Illness and My Biography_
I lived in the parental home up to my 4th year and then I was taken in
charge by my mother’s people. My father’s business compelled him to be
away from home for months, sometimes for a whole year at a stretch.
My grandparents brought me up with much tenderness, and as they were
very religious, my education was also based on piety. They lived in
a very prettily situated village, an old, lovely resort place. The
river flowing nearby was naturally the meeting place for us children.
On account of the danger of drowning I was an object of great concern
to my grandparents, so that they tried to keep me close to them as
much as possible. I went with them to church daily, visited with them,
usually at the homes of elderly people where the conversation was
almost exclusively about religious matters, and on every occasion it
was drilled into me under the most terrible threats and admonitions to
pray and be good.
I heard numerous stories of deeds and miracles attributed to the Holy
Mother and I was shown the places where some of these took place in the
neighborhood.
Then I returned to mother. Soon afterwards I went to school. Sister
taught me the primer and soon I was able to go through my favorite
book, an old large copy of the Bible, whereas formerly I depended on
questioning others.
Frequently I gave up all games preferring to sit in a corner poring
over my Bible. It is customary in the country to undergo a public
examination in the church every half year. My sister two and one half
years older than I prepared herself for that event for some time
because she did not learn easily. I followed her study carefully and
was able to recite everything as well as she.
The examination came up at the church and no one could answer a certain
question. But I knew the answer, because it was part of sister’s
lesson, made signs, the vicar asked me and I surprised everybody by
giving the correct answer. It was the prayer, “Our Father.” My folks
admired me for it, gave me presents and said: “Boy, you will grow up to
be a fine man.” This praise touched me very deeply.
I was about seven and a half when a girl of twelve induced me to join
her in forbidden games, we played with each other’s genitals, etc. This
occurred very often. I liked it very much and the experience became
deeply imprinted on my mind. Then I felt a strong desire to repeat the
same games with other girls. My mother’s sister visited us about a year
later and while she caressed me she roused in me a new feeling and I
could hardly refrain myself from asking her to play with me the games
that the first girl had taught me.
Beginning with the third year of school we had a new teacher. He took
notice of me early because I was a good scholar and soon I became one
of his favorite pupils. This teacher had the horrible habit of calling
me to his desk where he held me by the member until it became stiff,
while talking to me. I wondered a great deal what it meant; but I did
not dare mention it to any one.
At the end of that school year we removed to Vienna permanently. I was
tremendously homesick for the old place; the coolness and indifference
of the new surroundings at Vienna affected me and secretly I resolved
that I would rather starve than stay there. I was threatened that I
would not be allowed to visit the old home if I did not make progress
and I would be sent to a sanitarium; the last threat in particular
scared me especially as I was shown some (false) papers to indicate
that the first steps had already been taken to have me interned. That
and the perpetual anxiety at school where we had a queer teacher who
mistreated horribly the pupils (and I did not know a word of German
at the time), had a serious effect upon me; my physical condition was
impaired, I grew thin and lived in a sort of dream state. During my
solitude I often sought relief in tears.
I lived through the period. In two years, here too, I reached one of
the first places as a scholar. I had a colleague at school, whose
sixteen-year-old brother was compelled to stay at home for a year on
account of illness and we played with him. The two initiated me into
all sorts of nasty practices. The brothers slept together in one bed,
underneath their parents, and had frequent opportunity to see their
parents lying together. They always told me about it and showed me
their mother’s stained shirt. This impressed me very much and I also
began to watch my parents. Till my twelfth year I slept in one bed with
my sister. Then I slept near mother in bed, as father was mostly away.
My fancies grew to such unhealthy dimensions, that I began to think my
uncle, mother’s brother, who was living with us at the time, was guilty
of criminal intimacy with her. Slowly my suspicions were allayed, as I
could observe nothing out of the ordinary, despite watchfulness.
Around thirteen a school boy taught me to masturbate. I did not do
it often because I feared it was sinful and it kept me in continuous
anxiety. Then a book fell into my hands describing the terrible
consequences of the habit. That scared me off completely, and as a
positive protection, when I was about fourteen and a half I swore over
grandfather’s grave that I would have nothing to do with sexual matters
till my twentieth year. I suffered a great deal in consequence on
account of my pent-up desires. But I was fairly faithful to my oath.
At fourteen I joined a higher institution. My preparation was far
below that of my colleagues and one of the teachers warned me that I
might not be able to keep up with the course at that institution. That
worried me a great deal. It affected me considerably to think that in
this way I might be hampered in the free choice of a vocation.
At the first examination it turned out that only I and one other
student passed successfully and I looked upon that as a divine favor,
the more so because my very affectionate grandmother prayed for me
continually.
I was permitted to take the course on condition that I should earn for
myself remission of the school fees, which amounted to a considerable
sum. Only the best scholars received free tuition. I plunged zealously
into the subjects on which my preliminary preparation was weak.
My thrifty zeal was not flawless. I was always confident that God was
with me and I thought that I owed to his intervention, rather than to
my constant application the position of a scholar of the first rank
which I had attained in two years’ time.
During that period I came again into contact with that girl who was
the first to initiate me into sexual matters. Her presence continually
disturbed me.
When I was about seventeen and a half I had some innocent love affairs
with some other girls, but although opportunities for coitus were
frequent, I never took advantage of them. Reason: my fear of immoral
deeds.
I slept with my sister and a girl cousin in one room. I concentrated
my attention upon the girl cousin. The frequent allurements kept me in
a continuous state of agitation the more so because I could see that
the cousin, too, had to struggle hard to suppress her inclinations and
desires. I withstood all temptation and remained innocent.
Towards the end of the school years I came into closer contact with
a girl who had already previously attracted my attention. We became
deeply interested in one another, but we could meet only occasionally
and that under very strict conditions. We had to part in the end; as
I really loved the girl it made me suffer a great deal. During the
occasions when we did steal away to our secret trysting place I felt a
peculiar excitation which settled on my stomach; if I ate it caused me
nausea.
After completing my course of study I entered the employ of a local
business house. I became acquainted with another girl, and strange
enough, we two also had to overcome considerable difficulties when we
tried to meet. After about a year we could meet freely and shortly
after there were no more difficulties in our way. But I lost interest
in her by that time, and decided that I would have nothing to do with
any such foolish love affairs.
Whereas formerly I was kept back from any thought of coitus with a
decent girl because I considered it an unworthy and dishonorable act,
now whenever I was about to meet a girl I was seized with a gastric
discomfort and even vomiting. Once in the girl’s company that would
disappear.
I gave up all affairs of heart, but my condition became gradually
worse. I vomited several times daily, I could not even tolerate a
mouthful of bread on my stomach, even clear soup was hard for me to
take. Every time I swallowed I felt like vomiting and I could not
even drink. Besides that I suffered of sleeplessness and of strong
neurasthenic pains.
Finally I had to give up work for a year and I spent four months of
that time in the country but my condition did not improve very much.
It caused me a great deal of tension to suppress my strong sexual
impulses. Contact with a public woman seemed shameful to me, and with
a good girl I could not enter into any intimate relations partly for
moral reasons and partly on account of lack of favorable opportunity.
I felt inhibited from the moment my illness began. I decided to resort
to public women upon the express advice of a physician.
* * * * *
This remarkable case is as clear as a school problem and richly
illustrates the various factors which determine a person’s attitude
regarding sexual matters. The subject is a simple man who has not
yet mastered completely the German language and he has repressed but
little. His youth and his sexual struggles apparently stretch before
his memory like an open book. He has had many dreams and remembers
them well. We note the genuine religious background. He is no longer
pious and does not care to go to church service. Nevertheless it ought
not to be difficult to perceive that back of his fear of immoral acts
stands the fear of divine punishment,—a consequence of his early
moral training. This man has been brought up with fear in his heart.
This breeding of the germ of fear in his soul was responsible for his
anxiety neurosis. Witches appeared to admonish him, in the school he
was spurred on by dire threats to do his best. Then there was his
powerful sexual craving which he, nevertheless, found possible to
withstand. Whence did he acquire the strength to keep away from his
girl cousin, although she so warmly attracted him and even encouraged
him? Was it the proximity of his sister who occupied the same room?
Some occurrences between him and that sister he had overlooked in his
voluntary account of his life, otherwise fairly accurate. He avoided
incest, but besides the moral and religious inhibitions, there must
have been something more to keep him so effectively away from women.
His trouble which asserts itself before keeping a secret appointment
is nausea. Dislike and fear are protective defences against sinning.
We recognize readily this disgust for woman, so strongly emphasized by
most genuine homosexuals. We know that this aversion covers a repressed
craving, a craving which is unbearable to consciousness for one reason
or another and therefore breaks out in the negative form as disgust.
The latter serves as defence and protection against the very tendencies
which generate the powerful cravings.
The disturbance is a cover for the incest motive. He cannot approach
a woman because he sees in her the grandmother, the mother, or the
sister, a fact of which he was often fully aware. _Quo me vertam?_
There is open before him the homosexual path, since the road to woman
is closed. The episode with the teacher, the “vile doings” with his
school companions were a sort of initiation.... Here repression sets
in. He knows nothing about his homosexuality. But the dream betrays
and tells more than the subject is prepared to see as yet. We shall
therefore begin the analysis with an analysis of the dream.
_That Night’s Dream._
I stand before the door of a dwelling in my home town and gaze upon the
surrounding landscape.
While I am immersed in thought, my uncle comes along; he had helped
through the day working in the field and on his way home stopped near
me in front of the big door; he throws out some jocular allusions;
among other remarks saying: “it would be healthier for you if you
plowed up a few acres instead of idling away.”
I point to the team of horses hitched to the harrow, jocularly saying:
“oh, yes, certainly, but not with so poor a team. These two animals
should have been dumped on the scrap heap long ago, specially this left
one bearing himself so proudly when he is only an old nag.”
I hardly finished my words, when the horse started and broke his traces
madly to jump at me.
I started to run, fled up the first stairway and ran into the kitchen
shutting the door after me. Then I ran into the next room and
barricaded the door with every furniture article I found handy. The
horse was already at the door kicking until he broke through and made
his way into the room.
Meanwhile I ran to another room, again shutting the door but even as I
did so I knew that it wouldn’t be an effective barrier. I looked around
the room for some other means of escape and to my surprise saw my
sister standing behind me.
The horse had broken down the door enough to be able to stretch his
head through into the room and his dilated nostrils snorted angrily.
Sister handed me a small round stove calling out to defend myself with
the stove lids, they will prove an effective weapon.
The horse was ready to jump inside the room so I hurled at him first
the covers then the whole stove as powerfully as I could. At the last
critical moment I caught sight of another door, hurried out ran to the
stairway and woke up.
I went over the whole dream in my mind to make sure that I will
remember to tell it to my psychoanalyst. Shortly after that I fell
again into a light slumber and dreamed that I had gone to the analyst
who treats me:
He occupied a commodious residence with broad stairways. I found myself
face to face with him; he was doing something in a closet. I stood by
and told him the foregoing dream.
He went away for a while to attend to some important matters, as he had
to drive off in about one half hour. Then he called me down to him and
asked me to continue my story while he was lacing his shoes.
When I finished I moved off and through a side door and there I met my
mother. I exchanged a few words with her, opened the door, which led to
a glass-covered veranda and saw a locomotive and open fire.
The engineer moved various levers in vain, he could not start the
engine. Meanwhile the physician arrived, looked at his watch, and
remarked impatiently that it is already late. Suddenly a servant girl
comes running down the steps bringing three carefully tied up paper
packages (or bundles).
In order to raise the required steam pressure it was necessary to feed
the fire lively. The physician decided to help and threw one of the
bundles into the fire. It burned up quickly but produced no effect.
Then mother spoke up from the other side saying, there it must be
all right, took another package and threw it in at that spot without
accomplishing anything, any more than the physician did.
Saying: “That is not the way, look here,” I took hold of the third
package, jumped on a protruding piece of machinery in the midst of the
flame which surrounded it and threw the bundle into the center of the
burning mass. The flames broke forth, the safety valve began to whizz,
a whistling was heard and the engine began ponderously to move.
The physician jumped on, reached out his hand to me as he was moving
off and I barely had time to ask him where he was going. He said he was
going to Brünn. I wondered at that and—woke up again.
After I fell asleep once more I had another dream like the first. I
found myself in an elegantly furnished residence.
The door opened and a young pretty woman came in. She looked at me for
a while, then smiled wickedly but I did not lose my poise and said
something to her. She became more irritable, raised her hand, in which
she held a weapon and threatened me.
I looked on quietly, confident that she could not do a thing to me.
Then she jumped at me. I ran to another room, she pursued me, and thus
the chase continued through several rooms.
I was about to open another door when I felt she was directly behind
me holding in her hands some instrument that looked like a perolin
sprayer. It squirted a white soapy fluid. She gave a few squirts
without touching me, although a few drops fell on my clothes. I thought
it was some caustic fluid and wanted to escape.
While she was preparing for a new attack I quickly shut the door and
the nozzle of the sprayer caught between the door and the frame.
I grasped the nozzle, twisted the sprayer out of her hand, threw it
aside, caught the woman by the throat, and was going to throw her
down. But she caught me also by the throat, kissed me passionately and
staggered towards a sofa, dragging me along. I held her with my left
arm around her body while I pushed my right hand between her legs. I
felt a pleasant sensation; as we looked in each other’s eyes we slid
down together....
She was saying she meant no harm, laughed heartily, pressed me to her
bosom, her face began suddenly to change,—I now saw my sister smiling
at me.
Overcome with affection for her I wanted to press her closely to
me—suddenly the door opened and an elderly woman came storming in. It
scared me and I awoke—pollution.
* * * * *
His first dream carries him to his home town and birthplace. Our
previous analyses have shown us the meaning of this and no Freudian
student will fail to recognize that the birthplace is a symbol for
the mother. We learn that the father’s brother resembles the father
and conclude that the uncle stands for the father in that dream. The
conversation between himself and the uncle is a repetition of old
reproaches. For a long time he was unable to work and at the present
time he is unable to help in his father’s business. He finds a ready
excuse in his illness. The incestuous relation to his mother is fairly
obvious. The inhibitions which developed so that he is unable to make
himself useful in his father’s business, are due partly to his hatred
of the father as a rival. The day before the dream he had a small
controversy with his father, because the latter had made an error in
one of his calculations and was unwilling to acknowledge it. In the
dream he revenges himself for the reproach implied in his unwillingness
to plow (plowing here stands for coitus) by a slurring reference to his
father’s age. He was no longer fit for marital duties. The parental
couple are too old, they have already lived too long (“the pair belong
on the scrap heap”) and the one at the left (the father) is but an old
jade. (In German, _Mähre_, jade, old horse, here is also a play upon
the old home, _Mähren_). This is followed by the revenge of the scorned
father in the form of pursuit by the horse.
The dreamer relates that he was fully aware of his incestuous thoughts
with reference to his mother and sister, only he thought that he had
outgrown them. But he finds that occasionally he still dreams of
contact with his mother and more often with his sister. On the other
hand he did not think the dreams signified anything, believing that
they were but the echoes of a past stage. He does not remember having
ever dreamed of his father in an overt sexual connection.
But we recognize the bipolar attitude towards his father. His trouble
must be intimately linked with an unconquered homosexuality. The
account of his illness now brings up a childhood occurrence which had
made a strong impression on him. There was a teacher in that home
town who had a most peculiar and extraordinary way of recompensing
his worthy pupils. If one did something praiseworthy and the teacher
was pleased, he said: “very well, my boy! You shall be honored for
this,”—and gave the boy his erect penis to hold until ejaculation
followed. This was done openly before the whole class. The teacher
carried on this sort of thing until five years ago without any trouble
and then left the place suddenly, to avoid court trouble as the result
of a complaint. Christoph, who was a special pet of that teacher, was
probably chosen for that honor more often than any other boy. He was
also the prettiest boy in the class.
Beginning with that experience various episodes of homosexual character
are disclosed extending up to the time when he was seventeen years of
age, when they suddenly ceased. But he does not know that these were
homosexual acts and still insists that he always felt only the most
terrible aversion towards “all these homosexual things.” The subject
maintains unconsciously the wish to do with his father what he had done
with his teacher.