Observe carefully the stirrings of your heart in matters of superiority.
Pray to be delivered from such thoughts as these: I am older. I deserve
better. I have laboured more. I have more talent. Such thoughts are
the plague and poison of the heart. Believe me, if there remain in you
any allowed hankerings after the praises of men, though you may have
spent many years in prayer, or rather in idle forms of prayer, you have
made no progress, and never will, till your heart is crucified to the
approval and the praise of men. If you feel in yourself any point of
honour, any pride, any desire of eminence or pre-eminence, you must free
yourself from that abominable bondage, and for that chain there is no
hammer and file like humility and prayer. Among the rest of my great
imperfections this was one. I had very little knowledge of my Breviary,
or of that which was to be sung in the choir, and all the while I saw
that some other novices could instruct me. But I was too proud to ask
any questions. I was afraid that my great ignorance should be
discovered. Shortly afterwards a good example was set before me, and
then, when God had once opened my eyes to my sinful pride, I was content
to ask information and the help even of little children. And yet,--and
this surprised me, I lost no credit or honour thereby. Nay, it seemed to
me that my Lord after that gave me better skill and a better memory. I
could sing but very ill, and I was troubled at this, not because I failed
in my worship of God, but because so many heard me, and thus I was
disturbed on the mere point of honour and praise. I told them that I
could not do what others did, and what was expected of me. At first I
had some difficulty in this, but it soon became both natural and pleasant
to me to tell the truth. By these nothings,--and they are really
nothings, and I am sufficiently nothing when such things could put me to
so much pain,--and by little and little His Divine Majesty vouchsafed to
supply me with strength. I was never good at the choir, but I tried to
do my part for it in folding up the mantles of the singers; and,
methought, in that I was serving the angels of God who so well praised
Him. I did that also by stealth, such was my pride, and my pride was
hurt when they discovered what I did. O my Lord, who that ever reads
this can fail to despise and abhor me? I beseech Thy Divine Majesty that
I may soon be able to leave all such vanities as the praise and blame of
men, and seek Thy praise only! And then add this, which is worth
knowing. The devil will not dare to tempt one to pride or precedency who
is truly humble because, being very crafty, he fears defeat. If you are
truly humble, you will only grow in that grace by every temptation to
pride or praise. For, immediately on the temptation, you will reflect on
your whole past life and present character, and on the stupendous
humility of Jesus Christ. And by these considerations your tempted soul
will come off so victorious, that the enemy will think twice before he
comes back, for fear of a broken head.