but then it came on strangely; if God has made all these things, he
guides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the
Being that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide and
direct them.
If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, either
without his knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here,
and am in a dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without his
appointment, he has appointed all this to befal me.
Nothing occurred to my thoughts to contradict any of these conclusions;
and therefore it rested upon me with the greater force, that it must
needs be, that God had appointed all this to befal me; that I was
brought to this miserable circumstance by his direction, he having the
sole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happened in the
world. Immediately it followed,
Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used?
My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had
blasphemed; and methought it spoke to me, like a voice; “Wretch! dost
thou ask what thou hast done? look back upon a dreadful misspent life,
and ask thyself what thou hast not done? ask, why is it that thou wert
not long ago destroyed? why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads?
killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man of war?
devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa? or, drowned here,
when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou ask, What have
I done?”
I was struck with these reflections as one astonished, and had not a
word to say, no, not to answer to myself: but rose up pensive and sad,
walked back to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had been
going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had no
inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp,
for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehensions of the return of my
distemper terrified me very much, it occurred to my thought, that the
Brasilians take no physic but their tobacco, for almost all distempers;
and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which was
quite cured, and some also that was green, and not quite cured.
I went, directed by Heaven, no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure
both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked
for, viz. the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I
took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which, to this
time, I had not found leisure, or so much as inclination, to look into;
I say I took it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to
the table.
What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, as to my distemper, or
whether it was good for it or no; but I tried several experiments with
it, as if I was resolved it should hit one way or other: I first took a
piece of a leaf, and chewed it in my mouth, which indeed at first almost
stupified my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I had
not been much used to it; then I took some, and steeped it an hour or
two in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; and
lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over
the smoke of it, as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as the
virtue of it, and I held almost to suffocation.
In the interval of this operation I took up the Bible, and began to
read; but my head was too much disturbed with the tobacco to bear
reading, at least at that time; only having opened the book casually,
the first words that occurred to me were these: “Call on me in the day
of trouble, and I will deliver, and thou shalt glorify me.”
The words were very apt to my case, and made some impression upon my
thoughts at the time of reading them, though not so much as they did
afterwards; for as for being delivered, the word had no sound, as I may
say, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension of
things, that I began to say as the children of Israel did, when they
were promised flesh to eat, “Can God spread a table in the wilderness?”
So I began to say, Can God himself deliver me from this place? And as it
was not for many years that any hope appeared, this prevailed very often
upon my thoughts: but, however, the words made a very great impression
upon me, and I mused upon them very often. It grew now late, and the
tobacco had, as I said, dozed my head so much, that I inclined to sleep;
so that I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I should want any thing
in the night, and went to bed; but before I lay down, I did what I never
had done in all my life: I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil the
promise to me, that if I called upon him in the day of trouble, he would
deliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drank the
rum in which I had steeped the tobacco, which was so strong and rank of
the tobacco, that indeed I could scarce get it down. Immediately upon
this I went to bed, and I found presently it flew up into my head
violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked no more, till by the
sun it must necessarily be near three o’clock in the afternoon the next
day; nay, to this hour I am partly of the opinion, that I slept all the
next day and night, and till almost three the day after; for otherwise I
knew not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning in the days of the
week, as it appeared some years after I had done; for if I had lost it
by crossing and recrossing the line, I should have lost more than a day;
but in my account it was lost, and I never knew which way.
Be that however one way or other; when I awaked, I found myself
exceedingly refreshed, and my spirits lively and cheerful; when I got
up, I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomach better; for
I was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day, but continued
much altered for the better: this was the 29th.
The 30th was my well day of course, and I went abroad with my gun, but
did not care to travel too far: I killed a sea-fowl or two, something
like a brand goose, and brought them home, but was not very forward to
eat them: so I ate some more of the turtle’s eggs, which were very good.
This evening I renewed the medicine which I had supposed did me good the
day before, viz. the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take so
much as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over the
smoke; however, I was not so well the next day, which was the 1st of
July, as I hoped I should have been; for I had a little spice of the
cold fit, but it was not much.
July 2. I renewed the medicine all the three ways, and dozed myself with
it at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank.
July 3. I missed the fit for good and all, though I did not recover my
full strength for some weeks after. While I was thus gathering strength,
my thoughts ran exceedingly upon this scripture, “I will deliver thee;”
and the impossibility of my deliverance lay much upon my mind, in bar of
my ever expecting it: but as I was discouraging myself with such
thoughts, it occurred to my mind, that I pored so much upon my
deliverance from the main affliction, that I disregarded the deliverance
I had received; and I was, as it were, made to ask myself such questions
as these; viz. Have I not been delivered, and wonderfully too, from
sickness? from the most distressed condition that could be, and that was
so frightful to me? and what notice had I taken of it? had I done my
part? _God had delivered me;_ but _I had not glorified him_: that is to
say, I had not owned and been thankful for that as a deliverance; and
how could I expect greater deliverance?
This touched my heart very much, and immediately I kneeled down, and
gave God thanks aloud, for my recovery from my sickness.
July 4. In the morning I took the Bible; and, beginning at the New
Testament, I began seriously to read it, and imposed upon myself to read
a while every morning and every night, not tying myself to the number of
chapters, but as long as my thoughts should engage me. It was not long
after I set seriously to this work, but I found my heart more deeply and
sincerely affected with the wickedness of my past life; the impression
of my dream revived, and the words, “All these things have not brought
thee to repentance,” ran seriously in my thoughts: I was earnestly
begging of God to give me repentance, when it happened providentially
the very day, that, reading the Scripture, I came to these words, “He is
exalted a Prince, and a Saviour, to give repentance, and to give
remission.” I threw down the book, and with my heart as well as my hand
lifted up to heaven, in a kind of ecstasy of joy, I cried out aloud,
“Jesus, thou Son of David, Jesus, thou exalted Prince and Saviour, give
me repentance!”
This was the first time that I could say, in the true sense of the
words, that I prayed in all my life; for now I prayed with a sense of my
condition, and with a true Scripture view of hope, founded on the
encouragement of the word of God; and from this time, I may say, I began
to have hope that God would hear me.
Now I began to construe the words mentioned above, “Call on me, and I
will deliver thee,” in a different sense from what I had ever done
before; for then I had no notion of any thing being called deliverance,
but my being delivered from the captivity I was in; for though I was
indeed at large in the place, yet the island was certainly a prison to
me, and that in the worst sense in the world; but now I learnt to take
it in another sense. Now I looked back upon my past life with such
horror, and my sins appeared so dreadful, that my soul sought nothing of
God, but deliverance from the load of guilt that bore down all my
comfort. As for my solitary life, it was nothing; I did not so much as
pray to be delivered from it, or think of it; it was all of no
consideration in comparison of this; and I added this part here, to hint
to whoever shall read it, that whenever they come to a true sense of
things, they will find deliverance from sin a much greater blessing than
deliverance from affliction.
But, leaving this part, I return to my journal. My condition began now
to be, though not less miserable as to my way of living, yet much easier
to my mind; and my thoughts being directed, by a constant reading the
Scripture, and praying to God, to things of a higher nature, I had a
great deal of comfort within, which till now I knew nothing of; also as
my health and strength returned, I bestirred myself to furnish myself
with every thing that I wanted, and make my way of living as regular
as I could.
From the 4th of July to the 14th, I was chiefly employed in walking
about with my gun in my hand a little and a little at a time, as a man
that was gathering up his strength after a fit of sickness; for it is
hardly to be imagined how low I was, and to what weakness I was reduced.
The application which I made use of was perfectly new, and perhaps what
had never cured an ague before; neither can I recommend it to any one to
practise by this experiment; and though it did carry off the fit, yet it
rather contributed to weaken me; for I had frequent convulsions in my
nerves and limbs for some time.
I learnt from it also this in particular, that being abroad in the rainy
season was the most pernicious thing to my health that could be,
especially in those rains which came attended with storms and hurricanes
of wind; for as the rain which came in a dry season was always most
accompanied with such storms, so I found this rain was much more
dangerous than the rain which fell in September and October.
I had been now in this unhappy island above ten months; all possibility
of deliverance from this condition seemed to be entirely taken from me;
and I firmly believed that no human shape had ever set foot upon that
place. Having now secured my habitation, as I thought, fully to my mind,
I had a great desire to make a more perfect discovery of the island, and
to see what other productions I might find, which yet I knew nothing of.
It was the 15th of July that I began to take a more particular survey of
the island itself. I went up the creek first, where, as I hinted, I
brought my rafts on shore. I found, after I came about two miles up,
that the tide did not flow any higher, and that it was no more than a
little brook of running water, and very fresh and good: but this being
the dry season, there was hardly any water in some parts of it, at least
not enough to run into any stream, so as it could be perceived.
On the bank of this brook I found many pleasant savannas or meadows,
plain, smooth, and covered with grass; and on the rising parts of them
next to the higher grounds, where the water, as it might be supposed,
never overflowed, I found a great deal of tobacco, green, and growing to
a great and very strong stalk: there were divers other plants which I
had no notion of, or understanding about; and might perhaps have virtues
of their own, which I could not find out.
I searched for the cassave root, which the Indians in all that climate
make their bread of, but I could find none. I saw large plants of aloes,
but did not then understand them: I saw several sugar-canes, but wild,
and, for want of cultivation, imperfect. I contented myself with these
discoveries for this time, and came back, musing with myself what course
I might take to know the virtue and goodness of any of the fruits or
plants which I should discover, but could bring it to no conclusion;
for, in short, I had made so little observation while I was in the
Brasils, that I knew little of the plants of the field, at least very
little that might serve me to any purpose now in my distress.
The next day, the 16th, I went up the same way again; and, after going
something farther than I had done the day before, I found the brook and
the savannas began to cease, and the country became more woody than
before. In this part I found different fruits, and particularly I found
melons upon the ground in great abundance, and grapes upon the trees;
the vines had spread indeed over the trees, and the clusters of grapes
were just now in their prime, very ripe and rich. This was a surprising
discovery, and I was exceeding glad of them; but I was warned by my
experience to eat sparingly of them, remembering, that when I was
ashore in Barbary, the eating of grapes killed several of our Englishmen
who were slaves there, by throwing them into fluxes and fevers: but I
found an excellent use for these grapes, and that was to cure or dry
them in the sun, and keep them as dried grapes or raisins are kept,
which I thought would be, as indeed they were, as wholesome, and as
agreeable to eat, when no grapes might be had.
I spent all that evening there, and went not back to my habitation,
which by the way was the first night, as I might say, I had lain from
home. In the night I took my first contrivance, and got up into a tree,
where I slept well, and the next morning proceeded upon my discovery,
travelling near four miles, as I might judge by the length of the
valley, keeping still due north, with a ridge of hills on the south and
north side of me.
At the end of this march I came to an opening, where the country seemed
to descend to the west; and a little spring of fresh water, which issued
out of the side of the hill by me, ran the other way, that is, due east;
and the country appeared so fresh, so green, so flourishing, every thing
being in a constant verdure or flourish of spring, that it looked like a
planted garden.
I descended a little on the side of that delicious valley, surveying it
with a secret kind of pleasure (though mixed with other afflicting
thoughts) to think that this was all my own, that I was king and lord of
all this country indefeasibly, and had a right of possession; and if I
could convey it, I might have it in inheritance, as completely as any
lord of a manor in England. I saw here abundance of cocoa-trees, orange
and lemon, and citron-trees, but all wild, and few bearing any fruit; at
least, not then: however, the green limes that I gathered were not only
pleasant to eat, but very wholesome; and I mixed their juice afterwards
with water, which made it very wholesome, and very cool and refreshing.
I found now I had business enough to gather and carry home; and resolved
to lay up a store, as well of grapes as limes and lemons, to furnish
myself for the wet season, which I knew was approaching.
In order to do this I gathered a great heap of grapes in one place, and
a lesser heap in another place, and a great parcel of limes and lemons
in another place; and taking a few of each with me, I travelled
homeward, and resolved to come again, and bring a bag or sack, or what I
could make, to carry the rest home.
Accordingly, having spent three days in this journey, I came home (so I
must now call my tent, and my cave;) but before I got thither, the
grapes were spoiled; the richness of the fruit, and the weight of the
juice, having broken them, and bruised them, they were good for little
or nothing: as to the limes, they were good, but I could bring but
a few.
The next day, being the 19th, I went back, having made me two small bags
to bring home my harvest. But I was surprised, when coming to my heap of
grapes, which were so rich and fine when I gathered them, I found them
all spread abroad, trod to pieces, and dragged about, some here, some
there, and abundance eaten and devoured. By this I concluded there were
some wild creatures thereabouts, which had done this; but what they were
I knew not.
However, as I found there was no laying them up on heaps, and no
carrying them away in a sack, but that one way they would be destroyed,
and the other way they would be crushed with their own weight, I took
another course; for I gathered a large quantity of the grapes, and hung
them upon the out branches of the trees, that they might cure and dry in
the sun; and as for the limes and lemons, I carried as many back as I
could well stand under.
When I came home from this journey, I contemplated with great pleasure
on the fruitfulness of that valley, and the pleasantness of the
situation, the security from storms on that side of the water, and the
wood; and concluded that I had pitched upon a place to fix my abode,
which was by far the worst part of the country. Upon the whole, I began
to consider of removing my habitation, and to look out for a place
equally safe as where I now was situated, if possible, in that pleasant
fruitful part of the island.
This thought ran long in my head, and I was exceeding fond of it for
some time, the pleasantness of the place tempting me; but when I came to
a nearer view of it, and to consider that I was now by the sea-side,
where it was at least possible that something might happen to my
advantage, and that the same ill fate that brought me hither might bring
some other unhappy wretches to the same place; and though it was scarce
probable that any such thing should ever happen, yet to enclose myself
among the hills and woods, in the centre of the island, was to
anticipate my bondage, and to render such an affair not only improbable,
but impossible; and that therefore I ought not by any means to remove.
However, I was so enamoured with this place, that I spent much of my
time there for the whole remaining part of the month of July; and
though, upon second thoughts, I resolved as above, not to remove, yet I
built me a little kind of a bower, and surrounded it at a distance with
a strong fence, being a double hedge, as high as I could reach, well
staked and filled between with brushwood; and here I lay very secure,
sometimes two or three nights together, always going over it with a
ladder, as before; so that I fancied now I had my country house, and my
sea-coast house: and this work took me up the beginning of August.
I had but newly finished my fence, and began to enjoy my labour, but the
rains came on, and made me stick close to my first habitation; for
though I had made me a tent like the other, with a piece of a sail, and
spread it very well, yet I had not the shelter of a hill to keep me from
storms, nor a cave behind me to retreat into when the rains were
extraordinary.
About the beginning of August, as I said, I had finished my bower, and
began to enjoy myself. The 3d of August I found the grapes I had hung up
were perfectly dried, and indeed were excellent good raisins of the
sun; so I began to take them down from the trees, and it was very happy
that I did so; for the rains which followed would have spoiled them, and
I had lost the best part of my winter food; for I had above two hundred
large bunches of them. No sooner had I taken them all down, and carried
most of them home to my cave, but it began to rain; and from thence,
which was the 14th of August, it rained more or less every day, till the
middle of October; and sometimes so violently, that I could not stir out
of my cave for several days.
In this season I was much surprised with the increase of my family: I
had been concerned for the loss of one of my cats, who ran away from me,
or, as I thought, had been dead; and I heard no more tale or tidings of
her, till to my astonishment she came home about the end of August, with
three kittens. This was the more strange to me, because though I had
killed a wild cat, as I called it, with my gun, yet I thought it was a
quite different kind from our European cats; yet the young cats were the
same kind of house breed like the old one; and both my cats being
females, I thought it very strange: but from these three cats I
afterwards came to be so pestered with cats, that I was forced to kill
them like vermin, or wild beasts, and to drive them from my house as
much as possible.
From the 14th of August to the 26th, incessant rain, so that I could not
stir, and was now very careful not to be much wet. In this confinement I
began to be straitened for food; but venturing out twice, I one day
killed a goat: and the last day, which was the 26th, found a very large
tortoise, which was a treat to me, and my food was regulated thus: I ate
a bunch of raisins for my breakfast, a piece of the goat’s flesh, or of
the turtle, for my dinner, broiled (for, to my great misfortune, I had
no vessel to boil or stew any thing;) and two or three of the turtle’s
eggs for supper. During this confinement in my cover by the rain, I
worked daily two or three hours at enlarging my cave; and, by degrees,
worked it on towards one side, till I came to the outside of the hill,
and made a door or way out, which came beyond my fence or wall; and so I
came in and out this way: but I was not perfectly easy at lying so open;
for as I had managed myself before, I was in a perfect enclosure,
whereas now I thought I lay exposed; and yet I could not perceive that
there was any living thing to fear, the biggest creature that I had seen
upon the island being a goat.
September the 30th. I was now come to the unhappy anniversary of my
landing: I cast up the notches on my post, and found I had been on shore
three hundred and sixty-five days. I kept this day as a solemn fast,
setting it apart to a religious exercise, prostrating myself to the
ground with the most serious humiliation, confessing myself to God,
acknowledging his righteous judgment upon me, and praying to him to have
mercy on me, through Jesus Christ; and having not tasted the least
refreshment for twelve hours, even till the going down of the sun, I
then ate a biscuit-cake and a bunch of grapes, and went to bed,
finishing the day as I began it.
I had all this time observed no sabbath-day; for as at first I had no
sense of religion upon my mind, I had after some time omitted to
distinguish the weeks, by making a longer notch than ordinary for the
sabbath-day, and so did not really know what any of the days were; but
now, having cast up the days as before, I found I had been there a year;
so I divided it into weeks, and set apart every seventh day for a
sabbath; though I found at the end of my account I had lost a day or two
of my reckoning.
A little after this my ink began to fail me, and so I contented myself
to use it more sparingly, and to write down only the most remarkable
events of my life, without continuing a daily memorandum of
other things.
The rainy season, and the dry season, began now to appear regular to
me, and I learnt to divide them so as to provide for them accordingly.
But I bought all my experience before I had it; and this I am going to
relate, was one of the most discouraging experiments that I made at all.
I have mentioned, that I had saved the few ears of barley and rice which
I had so surprisingly found spring up, as I thought, of themselves, and
believe there were about thirty stalks of rice, and about twenty of
barley: and now I thought it a proper time to sow it after the rains,
the sun being in its southern position going from me.