And Mathilde's healthy mental balance was disturbed. This young and
healthy woman, with her rather vulgar aspirations, had fallen in love
with him because her nature expected to achieve a sympathetic
satisfaction through his both in body and soul; her love had faltered
when she gradually perceived that she was sharing him with so many who
seemed to understand him better, when she suddenly saw, in a refinement
of her inner perception, that he was really escaping her. She had enough
common-sense to understand and to appreciate that he wanted her
happiness above all things, that he was now devoting himself to her
entirely, that he had forced their present life at the Hague into a
direction which was hers, not his. Because of this, she was filled with
a surprised gratitude; and yet this gratitude depressed her. The years
spent at Driebergen amidst her husband's family had subdued her to a
mere nervous susceptibility; and now she sought and wept again and did
not know what she sought nor why she wept. Fits of temper followed on
fits of weakness and fits of discouragement. In the question which she
no longer put to Addie, but which nevertheless constantly arose in her
heart--the question whether he really loved her--lay hidden a second
question, whether she really loved him. At such times she thought that,
even though her love was diminished, they would still be happy, now, at
the Hague, and make her life a simple life, the after-math of physical
love. But she saw him grow moodier despite himself, despite all his
efforts. She passed through hours of despair; and, if she had not had
her children, she would have gone away somewhere, she knew not where.
Her healthy mental balance was disturbed. She now thought that it would
be a good thing to tell Addie that she did not wish to stay at the Hague
like this, because he was not happy there, that she wanted to go back to
Driebergen. And the idea of giving back to him what he was giving her,
of sacrificing herself as he was sacrificing himself, gave her an
internal glow of exhilaration, as though she had found a solution; a
solution in the near future, in a week or two, a month or two. Yes, let
her tell him that it would be better, after all, to go back to
Driebergen. The rooms there were always ready for them. They would all
be glad to see him back again. She would give him back to his family.
But she ...
She pictured herself once more in the repellant life which she had led
there. And she would not, she could not suggest it to him. Then days
would follow when she avoided him, when she hardly saw him at meals.
Sometimes, for a few moments, they would play with the children, for
there was something really attractive about the fair-haired little
mites, pretty children both, Constant and Jetje, healthy children, such
as Addie had wanted. When they were put to bed, she would go out in the
evening by herself, to take tea with relations or friends. She did not
ask him to go with her: he had his work to do; and she came back in a
cab.
There was a void in her life; and she tried to argue sensibly with
herself, and to make light of things. Come, there were hundreds of women
in her position, not so very happy with their husbands: really, happy
marriages were rare; and people still managed to get on all right....
There were the children; and she was very fond of them.... Perhaps
later, when they were a little older, things would be better: Addie
might become reconciled to his position as one of the most fashionable
doctors of the day; she also might recover her calmness, her balance....
Life was so insipid: getting up, dressing, ordering meals, paying
visits, shopping. Only the children, still so small, imparted a little
gaiety to it. For the rest, it was insipid; and it was the same for one
and all. Nearly everybody had to pass through some sort of crisis, after
a few years' marriage. She would settle down, Addie would settle down:
they would go on living side by side....
But days of tears would follow, days of despair; and she felt much too
young, much too full of vitality, just to drag on her life like
that.....