Parma.
My dear Tom,--The little gleam of sunshine that shone upon us for
the last week or so has turned out to be but the prelude of a regular
hurricane, and all our feasting and merriment have ended in gloom,
darkness, and disunion. Mrs. D.'s letter to old Molly has made known
to you the circumstances under which James returned home to us, without
ever having gone to London. You, of course, know all about the lovely
young widow, with her immense jointure and splendid connections. If you
do not, I must say that from my heart and soul I envy you, for I have
heard of nothing else for the last fortnight! At all events, you have
heard enough to satisfy you that the house of Dodd was about to garnish
its escutcheon with some very famous quarterings,:--illustrious enough
even to satisfy the pride of the McCarthys. A Cardinal's daughter--niece
I mean--with four thousand a year, had deigned to ally herself with us,
and we were all running breast-high in the blaze of our great success.
She came here on a visit to us while some negotiations were being
concluded with the Papal Court, for we were great folk, Tom, let me tell
you, and have been performing, so to say, in the same piece with popes,
kings, and cardinals for the last month; and I myself, under the style
and title of the "Prince," have narrowly escaped going mad from the
unceasing influences of delusions, shams, and impositions in which we
have been living and moving.
Of our extravagant mode of life, I'll only say that I don't think there
was anything omitted which could contribute to ruin a moderate income.
Splendid apartments, grand dinners, horses, carriages, servants,
opera-boxes, bouquets, were all put in requisition to satisfy the young
Countess that she was about to make a suitable alliance, and that any
deficiencies observable in either our manners or breeding were fully
compensated for by our taste in cookery and our tact in wine. To be
plain, Tom, to obtain this young widow with four thousand a year, we had
to pretend to be possessed of about four times as much. It was a regular
game of "brag" we were playing, and with a very bad hand of cards!
Hope led me on from day to day, trusting that each post would bring
us the wished-for consent, and that at least a private marriage would
ratify the compact Popes and cardinals, however, are too stately for
fast movements, and at the end of five weeks we had n't, so far as I
could see, gained an inch of ground!
At one time his Holiness had gone off to Albano to bless somebody's
bones, or the bones were coming to bless _him_, I forget which. At
another, the King of Naples, fatigued with signing warrants for death
and the galleys, desired to enjoy a little repose from public business.
Cardinal Antonelli, hearing that we were Irish, got in a rage, and said
that Ireland gave them no peace at all. And so it came to pass that the
old thief--procrastination--was at his usual knavery; and for want of
better, set to work to ruin poor Kenny Dodd!
It is only fair to observe that, except Cary and myself, nobody
manifested any great impatience at this delay; and even she, I believe,
merely felt it out of regard to me. The others seemed satisfied to fare
sumptuously every day; and assuredly the course of true love ran most
smoothly along in rivulets of "mock turtle" and "potages a la fiancee."
At last, Tom, I brought myself to book with the simple question, "How
long can this continue? Will your capital stand it for a month, or even
a week?" Before I attempted the answer, I sent for Mrs. D., to give her
the honor of solving the riddle if she could.
Our interview took place in a little crib they call my dressing-room,
but which, I must remark to you, is a dark corner under a staircase,
where the rats hold a parliament every night of the season. Mrs. D. was
so shocked with the locality that she proposed our adjourning to her own
apartment; and thither we at once repaired to hold our council.
I have too often wearied you with our domestic differences to make any
addition to such recitals pleasant to either of us. You know us both
thoroughly, besides, and can have no difficulty in filling up the debate
which ensued. Enough that I say Mrs. D. was more than usually herself.
She was grandly eloquent on the prospect of the great alliance;
contemptuously indifferent about the petty sacrifice it was to cost us;
caustically criticised the narrow-mindedness by which I measured such
grandeur; winding up all with the stereotyped comparison between Dodds
and M'Carthys, with which she usually concludes an engagement, just as
they play "God save the Queen" at Vauxhall to show that the fireworks
are over.
"And now," said I, "that we have got over preliminaries, when is this
marriage to come off?"
"Ask the Pope when he'll sign the Bull," said she, tartly.
"Do you know," said I, "I think the 'Bull is a mistake'?" but she did
n't take the joke, and I went on. "After that, what delays are there?"
"I suppose the settlement will take some time. You 'll have to make
suitable provision for James, to give him a handsome allowance out of
the estate."
"Egad, Mrs. D.," said I, "it must be _out_ of it with a vengeance, for
there's no man living will advance five hundred _upon_ it."
"And who wants them?" said she, angrily. "You know what I mean, well
enough!"
"Upon my conscience, ma'am, I do not," said I. "You must just take pity
on my stupidity and enlighten me."
"Isn't it clear, Mr. D.," said she, "that when marrying a woman with a
large fortune he ought to have something himself?"
"It would be better he had; no doubt of it!"
"And if he has n't? if what should have come to him was squandered and
made away with by a life of--No matter, I'll restrain my feelings."
"Don't, then," said I, "for I find that _mine_ would like a little
expansion."
It took her five minutes, and a hard struggle besides, before she could
resume. She had, so to say, "taken off the gloves," Tom, and it went
hard with her not to have a few "rounds" for her pains. By degrees,
however, she calmed down to explain that by a settlement on James she
never contemplated actual value, but an inconvertible medium, a mere
parchmentary figment to represent lands and tenements,--just, in fact,
what we had done before, and with such memorable success, in Mary Anne's
case.
"No," said I, aloud, and at once,--"no more of that humbug! You got me
into that mess before I knew where I was. You involved me in such a maze
of embarrassments that I was glad to take any, even a bad road, to get
away from them. But you 'll not catch me in the same scrape again; and
rather than deliberately sit down to sign, seal, and deliver myself a
swindler, James must die a bachelor, that's all!"
If I had told her, Tom, that I was going into holy orders, and intended
to be Bishop of Madagascar, she could not have stared at me with more
surprise.
"What's come over you?" said she, at last; "what 's the meaning of all
these elegant fine sentiments and scruples? Are you going to die, Mr.
D.? Is it making your soul you are?"
"However unmannerly the confession, Mrs. D.," said I, "I 'm afraid I
'm not going to die; but the simple truth is that I can't be a rogue in
cold blood; maybe, if I had the luck to be born a M'Carthy, I might
have had better ideas on the subject." This was a poke at Morgan James
M'Carthy that was transported for altering a will.
She could n't speak with passion; she was struck dumb with rage, and
so, finding the enemy's artillery spiked, I opened a brisk fire at
musket-range; in other words, I told her that all we had been hitherto
doing abroad rarely went beyond making ourselves ridiculous, but that,
though I liked fun, I could n't push a joke as far as a felony. And,
finally, I declared, in a loud and very unmistakable manner, that as I
had n't a sixpence to settle on James, I 'd not go through the mockery
of engrossing a lie on parchment; that I thought very meanly of the
whole farce we were carrying on; and that if I was only sure I could
make myself intelligible in my French, I 'd just go straight to the
Countess and say,--I 'm afraid to write the words as I spoke them, lest
my spelling should be even worse than my pronunciation, for they were in
French, but the meaning was,--"I 'm no more a Prince than I 'm Primate
of Ireland. I 'm a small country gentleman, with an embarrassed estate
and a rascally tenantry. I came abroad for economy, and it has almost
ruined me. If you like my son, there he is for you; but don't flatter
yourself that we possess either nobility or fortune."
"You 've done it now, you old--------." The epithet was lost in a
scream, Tom, for she went off in strong hysterics; so I just rang the
bell for Mary Anne, and slipped quietly away to my own room. I trust it
is a good conscience does it for me, but I find that I can almost always
sleep soundly when I go to bed; and it is a great blessing, Tom,--for
let me tell you, that after five or six and fifty, one's waking hours
have more annoyances than pleasures about them; but the world is just
like a man's mistress: he cares most for it when it is least fond of
him!
I slept like a humming-top, and, indeed, there 's no saying when I
should have awoke, if it had n't been for the knocking they kept up at
my door.
It was Cary at last got admittance, and I had only to look in her face
to see that a misfortune had befallen us.
"What is it, my dear?" said I.
"All kinds of worry and confusion, pappy," said she, taking my hand in
both of hers. "The Countess is gone."
"Gone?--how?--where?"
"Gone. Started this morning,--indeed, before daybreak,--I believe for
Genoa; but there 's no knowing, for the people have been evidently
bribed to secrecy."
"What for?--with what object?"
"The short of the matter is this, pappy. She appears to have overheard
some conversation--evidently intended to be of a private nature--that
passed between you and mamma last night. How she understood it does not
appear, for, of course, you did n't talk French."
"Let that pass. Proceed."
"Whatever it was that she gathered, or fancied she gathered, one thing
is certain: she immediately summoned her maid, and gave orders to pack
up; post-horses were also ordered, but all with the greatest secrecy.
Meanwhile she indited a short note to Mary Anne, in which, after
apologizing for a very unceremonious departure, she refers her to you
and to mamma for the explanation, with a half-sarcastic remark 'that
family confidences had much better be conducted in a measured tone of
voice, and confined to the vernacular of the speakers.' With a very
formal adieu to James, whom she styles 'votre estimable frere,' the
letter concludes with an assurance of deep and sincere consideration on
the part of Josephine de St. A."
"What does all this mean?" exclaimed I, with a terrible misgiving, Tom,
that I knew only too well how the mischief originated.
"That is exactly what I want you to explain, pappy," said she, "for the
letter distinctly refers to something within your knowledge."
"I must see the document itself," said I, cautiously; "fetch me the
letter."
"James carried it off with him."
"Off with him,--why, is he gone too?"
"Yes, pappy, he started with post-horses after her,--at least, so far as
he could make out the road she travelled. Poor fellow! he seemed almost
out of his mind when he left this."
"And your mother, how is she?"
Cary shook her head mournfully.
Ah, Tom, I needed but the gesture to show me what was in store for me.
My fertile imagination daguerreotyped a great family picture, in which
I was shortly to fill a most lamentable part. My prophetic soul--as a
novelist would call it--depicted me once more in the dock, arraigned for
the ruin of my children, the wreck of their prospects, and the downfall
of the Dodds. I fancied that even Cary would turn against me, and almost
thought I could hear her muttering, "Ah, it was papa did it all!"
While I was thus communing with myself, I received a message from Mrs.
D. that she wished to see me. I take shame to myself for the confession,
Tom, but I own that I felt it like an order to come up for sentence.
There could be no longer any question of my guilt,--my trial was over;
there remained nothing but to hear the last words of the law, which
seemed to say, "Kenny Dodd, you have been convicted of a great offence.
By your blundering stupidity--your unbridled temper, and your gratuitous
folly--you have destroyed your son's chance of worldly fortune, blasted
his affections, and--and lost him four thousand a year. But your
iniquity does not end even here. You have also--" As I reached this, the
door opened, and Mrs. D., in her "buff coat," as I used to call a
certain flannel dressing-gown that she usually donned for battle, slowly
entered, followed by Mary Anne, with a whole pharmacopoeia of
restoratives,--an "ambulance" that plainly predicted hot work before us.
Resolving that our duel should have no witnesses, I turned the girls out
of the room, and for the same reason do I preserve a rigid secrecy as to
all the details of our engagement; enough when I say that the sun went
down upon our wrath, and it was near nightfall when we drew off our
forces. Though I fought vigorously, and with the courage of despair, I
couldn't get over the fact that it was my unhappy explosion in French
that did all the mischief. I tried hard to make it appear that her
sudden departure was rather a boon than otherwise; that our expenses
were terrific, and, moreover, that, as I was determined against any
fictitious settlement, her flight had only anticipated a certain
catastrophe; but all these devices availed me little against my real
culpability, which no casuistry could get over.
"Well, ma'am," said I, at last, "one thing is quite clear,--the
Continent does not suit us. All our experience of foreign life and
manners neither guides us in difficulty nor warns us when in danger. Let
us go back to where we are, at least, as wise as our neighbors,--where
we are familiar with the customs, and where, whatever our shortcomings,
we meet with the indulgent judgment that comes of old acquaintance."
"Where 's that?" said she. "I 'm curious to know where is this elegant
garden of paradise?"
"Bruff, ma'am,--our own neighborhood."
"Where we were always in hot water with every one. Were you ever out
of a squabble on the Bench or at the poorhouse? Were n't you always
disputing about land with the tenants, and about water with the miller?
Had n't you a row at every assizes, and a skirmish at every road
session? Bruff, indeed; it's a new thing to hear it called the Happy
Valley!"
"Faith, I know I 'm not Rasselas," said I.
"You're restless enough," said she, mistaking the word; "but it's your
own temper that does it. No, Mr. D., if you want to go back to Ireland,
I won't be selfish enough to oppose it; but as for myself, I 'll never
set a foot in it."
"You are determined on that?" said I.
"I am," said she.
"In that case, ma'am," said I, "I 'm only losing valuable time waiting
for you to change your mind; so I 'll start at once."
"A pleasant journey to you, Mr. D.," said she, flouncing out of the
room, and leaving me the field of battle, but scarcely the victory. Now,
Tom, I 've too much to do and to think about to discuss the point that I
know you 're eager for,--which of us was more in the wrong. Such debates
are only casuistry from beginning to end. Besides, at all events, _my_
mind is made up. I 'll go back at once. The little there ever was of
anything good about me is fast oozing away in this life of empty parade
and vanity. Mary Anne and James are both the worse of it; who knows how
long Cary will resist its evil influence? I'll go down to Genoa, and
take the Peninsular steamer straight for Southampton. I 'm a bad sailor,
but it will save me a few pounds, and some patience besides, in escaping
the lying and cheating scoundrels I should meet in a land journey.
To any of the neighbors, you may say that I 'm coming home for a few
weeks to look after the tenants; and to any whom you think would believe
it, just hint that the Government has sent for me.
I conclude that I 'll be very short of cash when I reach Genoa, so send
me anything you can lay hands on, and believe me,
Ever yours faithfully,
Kenny James Dodd.
P. S. I told you this was a cheap place. The bill has just come up, and
it beats the "Clarendon"! It appears that his Serene Highness told them
to treat us like princes, and we must pay in the same style. I'm going
to settle' part of our debt by parting with our travelling-carriage,
which, besides assisting the exchequer, will be a great shock to Mrs.
D., and a foretaste of what she has to come down to when I 'm gone.
It is seldom that a man can combine the double excellence of a great
financier and a great moralist!