Good manners are a plant of slow growth, and one that should be
cultivated in the home circle.
“Give a boy address, and it opens palaces to him,” says Emerson, and
nowhere is this address, “this habit of encounter,” so easily gained as
within the walls of home. There his character is formed for life.
Good breeding, in reality, is but the outcome of “much good sense, some
good nature, and a little self-denial exercised for the sake of others,
with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them.”
These words of the scholar, Chesterfield, learned as he was in worldly
lore, and satisfied of the expediency of such observances from a
selfish standpoint, are but another, and more selfish, rendering of the
Golden Rule, whose value as a rule of action in life is apparent.
Courtesy, it must be conceded, is not only pleasant, but profitable in
all places, and at all times, but more especially in the home circle
are its virtues most brilliantly set forth.
Courtesies of Married Life.
“Marriage very rarely mends a man’s manners,” is a sadly true statement
of the playwright Congreve, and one whose truth touches women also as
concerning the marriage state.
If the slight formalities that are the bulwarks of love as well as
friendship, many forbearances, and more of the small, sweet courtesies
of life, were but permitted to blossom forth like unexpected flowers
beneath the family rooftree, fewer unhappy marriages would catalogue
their miseries in the divorce court.
The man who takes off his hat as politely to his wife when he parts
from her on the street as he would to his lady acquaintance of
yesterday; who opens the door for her to enter; who would no more speak
harshly to her than to any other lady, is very likely to retain her
first affection and to add to it that sweeter, closer love that comes
of knowledge and companionship.
What Women Admire.
Women admire fine manners and graceful attentions. The man who
never forgets their tastes; who remembers wedding anniversaries
and birthdays; is interested in their pursuits, and ready with an
appreciative word of praise, is the man that claims their admiration by
virtue of thoughtfulness and consideration.
This man, too, would be far more apt to hold a woman’s affection
than the best and most upright of his sex, who is thoughtless and
indifferent, not of her physical comfort, but of all her pet fancies
and sentiments, who never saw her new gowns, and is profoundly
neglectful of all those trifles, light as air, which go far toward
making up the sum of woman’s happiness or misery.
What Men Desire.
Hepworth Dixon, on being asked what men most desire in a wife, and what
quality held them longest, unhesitatingly replied, “That she should
be a pillow.” Then, noting the inquiry thus suggested, he went on to
say: “What a man most needs is that he should find in his wife a pillow
whereon to rest his heart. He longs to find a moment’s rest from the
outer whirl of life, to win a ready listener that sympathizes where
others wound.” And she whose eyes are flattering mirrors, whose lips
console and soothe, will find that she has secured a hold upon the
heart of her husband, that the embodiment of all the virtues of her sex
could not secure, were she wanting in this sympathetic tact.
Sweet-tempered people are the joy of the world. Their civilities, their
self-sacrifice, their thoughtfulness for others it is that oils the
wheels of domestic life. People who, according to the old phrase, have
“tempers of their own,” are not, at the best, agreeable companions. We
may respect their good qualities, but we are apt to give them a wide
berth where possible. But when they are inmates of our own households,
the evil spirit must be confronted and exorcised if possible.
Many a wife has, by exercising her own self-control, subdued and shamed
a tyrannical, evil-tempered husband into a better disposition, but
never by argument, dispute, or anger on her part.
Many a husband, too, has by the firmness and sweetness of his own
temper, won his young, impatient wife, tried by the half-understood
cares of her new existence, to evenness of spirit and control of
temper. “It is impossible to be cross where Charlie is,” said one young
wife, taken from a home where self-control had never been taught. “I am
always ashamed of it afterward.”
Fault-Finding.
“Take us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil our vines,” and of the
insidious foxes that spoil the tender fruitage of the household vine, a
fault-finding disposition is most dangerous.
A quick, ungovernable temper is not as destructive to household peace
and comfort as the nagging, carping, fault-finding spirit that sees
good in nothing. A temper that is like a tornado in its violence at
least clears the air as it passes, and is usually followed by quick
repentance and ready reparation. But the fault-finding, nagging,
suspicious temperament is a veritable foe in a man’s own household.
Where no word of praise is heard, no commendation follows the
best-intentioned efforts, but the ceaseless nagging, the ever recurring
criticism meets one at every turn, it is not strange if the ties of
affection are too often strained even to breaking.
Temper proceeds from, and is an indication of the character. It is
inherited, even as features are; but, like features, it may be modified
by culture and training, and a temper thus conquered becomes a very
desirable possession.
Home Conversation.
Educate yourself, as a wife, to keep up with the times sufficiently to
be at least a companionable conversationalist. Read the papers, read
late books; endeavor to be as entertaining to your husband as you were
to your husband-elect.
[Illustration: ETIQUETTE OF THE DRAWING-ROOM.]
As a husband, share your knowledge of the activities of life with your
wife, who, from the very nature of her occupation is excluded from much
of its exciting whirl. Read together, talk together of art, of music,
of literature, of the stirring events of the outer world, and put afar
the evil day when topics of mutual interest shall have been worn so
threadbare that the average man and woman must feel a strange desire to
fall asleep directly dinner is over.
Then, too, the children hunger for new ideas, and one of the greatest
educational advantages they can enjoy is to listen daily to the
conversation of intelligent people. Too many parents who are bright and
entertaining abroad are dull and uninteresting in their own households,
to the great detriment of their children and to their own loss of
intelligent companionship in one another.
“What little Jack learneth not, the same neither learneth great John.”
There is a truth in this old saying that the parents and guardians of
children would do well to ponder in their hearts, for it is a well
substantiated statement that the first ten years of a child’s life
stamp upon his character the imprint for good or ill-breeding. Thus
is spared the after struggle on their part to attain the grace and
self-possession that should have been theirs by birthright.
[Illustration: SUNSHINE AT HOME.]
Children are naturally imitative, hence the value of example over
precept. The children of courteous parents will imbibe courtesy as
naturally and unconsciously as the growing plant absorbs oxygen from
the air and sunlight that bathes its leaves and petals.
Softly modulated tones should mark the words spoken to a child, and
reproof carries an added weight when lowered tones convey the rebuke.
Even a baby before it can speak recognizes shades of meaning in the
tones the mother utters, and is soothed by the one and startled by the
other.
Kindliness, politeness of the parents one towards another, are the
first steps toward training children in the acquirement of good
manners. Gentleness and sweetness of manner can be taught at the
cradle far more surely than from the schoolroom desk, and when baby
has learned to preface its little wants with “please,” and Master Four
Years-old to run and open the door for mamma, or mamma’s visitors, or
to give up the easiest chair without being asked, the firm foundation
has been laid for courteous behavior in after life.
And so on, all through the school years, boys and girls may be so
taught to respect one another’s possessions, letters, feelings, and to
discriminate closely between _meum_ and _tuum_ after such wise that
they will be made better husbands, better wives, better citizens, for
all their days.
Slang and Exaggerations.