Sealing the Vow.
The vow and its tangible witnesses come next. All agreements require
to be attested; and this as much more than others as it is the most
obligatory. Both need its unequivocal and mutual mementos, to be
cherished for all time to come as its perpetual witnesses. This vow of
each to the other can neither be made too strong, nor held too sacred.
If calling God to witness will strengthen your mutual adjuration, swear
by Him and His throne, or by whatever else will render it inviolable,
and commit it to writing, each transcribing a copy for the other as
your most sacred relics, to be enshrined in your “holy of holies.”
Two witnesses are required, one for each. A ring for her and locket for
him, containing the likeness of both, as always showing how they now
look, or any keepsake both may select, more or less valuable, to be
handed down to their posterity, will answer.
Your mode of conducting your future affairs should now be arranged.
Though implied in selection, yet it must be specified in detail. Both
should arrange your marriage relations; say what each desires to do,
and have done; and draw out a definite outline plan of the various
positions you desire to maintain towards each other. Your future home
must be discussed: whether you will board, or live in your own house,
rented, or owned, or built, and after what pattern; or with either or
which of your parents. And it is vastly important that wives determine
most as to their domiciles; their internal arrangements, rooms,
furniture, management; respecting which they are consulted quite too
little, yet cannot well be too much.
Family rules, as well as national, state, corporate, financial, must
be established. They are most needed, yet least practiced in marriage.
Without them, all must be chaotic. Ignoring them is a great but common
marital error. The Friends wisely make family method cardinal.
A Full Understanding.
Your general treatment of each other now especially requires to be
mutually agreed upon. Each should say, “I should like to treat and be
treated by you thus, but not so; and let you do this but not that;” and
both mutually agree on a thousand like minor points, better definitely
arranged at first than left for future contention; each making
requisitions, conceding privileges, and stipulating for any fancies,
idols, or “reserved rights.”
Differences must needs arise, which cannot be adjusted too soon. Those
constitutionally inherent in each should be adjusted in love’s _early_
stages; it matters less how, than whether to your mutual satisfaction.
Or if this is impossible, “agree to disagree;” but settle on something.
A concessionary spirit is indispensable, and inheres in love. Neither
should insist, but both concede, in all things; each making, not
demanding sacrifices. The one who loves most will yield to oblige most.
What course will make both happiest should overrule all your mutual
relations.
Write down and file all. Your present decisions, subject to mutual
changes and amendments, will become more and more important for future
reference, as time rolls on, by enabling each to correct both for
our own changes make us think others have changed. A mutual diary
is desirable; for incidents now seemingly trivial, may yet become
important.
Important Trifles.
See or correspond with each other often. Love will not bear neglect.
Nothing kills it equally. In this it is most exacting. It will not,
should not, be second in anything. “First or nothing,” is its motto.
Meet as often as possible. After its fires have once been lit, they
must be perpetually resupplied with their natural fuel; else they die
down, go out, or go elsewhere; and are harder to rekindle than to light
at first.
A splendid young man, son of one of New England’s most talented and
pious divines, endowed with one of the very best of organisms, physical
and phrenological, having selected his mate, and plighted their mutual
vows, being the business manager of a large manufactory, and obliged
to defend several consecutive lawsuits for patent-right infringements,
neglected for weeks to write to his betrothed, presupposing, of course,
that all was right. This offended her ladyship, and allowed evil-minded
meddlers to sow seeds of alienation in her mind; persuade her to send
him his dismissal, and accept a marriage proposal from another.
As he told his mournful story, he seemed like a sturdy oak riven by
lightning and torn by whirlwinds; its foliage scorched, bark stripped,
limbs tattered, even its very rootlets scathed; yet standing, a stern,
proud, defiant, resolute wreck. A gushing tear he manfully tried but
failed to suppress. His lips quivered and voice faltered. Perceiving
his impending fate, he seemed to dread his future more than present;
and hesitated between self-abandonment, and a merely mechanical,
objectless, business life. In attempting his salvation, by proffering
advice to the “broken-hearted,” he respectfully but firmly declined;
deliberately preferring old-bachelorship, with all its dearths, of
which he seemed fully conscious. He felt as if he had been deeply
wronged.
Yet was not he the _first_ practically to repudiate? He suffered
terribly, because he had sinned grievously, not by commission, but
omission. He felt the deepest, fullest, manliest love, and revelled in
anticipations of their future union, but did not _express_ it; which
was to her as if he had not felt it; whereas, had he saved but one
minute per week to write lovingly, “I long to be with you, and love you
still,” or, “Business does not, cannot diminish my fondness,” he would
have saved her broken vows, and his broken heart.
Mingling other enjoyments with love, by going together to picnics and
parties, sleigh-rides and Mayings, concerts, and lectures, marvellously
cements the affections.
Love Feeds on Love.
Meet in your most attractive habiliments of mind and person. French
ladies will see their affianced only when arrayed in their best
toilet. Yet mental charms vastly surpass millinery. Neither can render
yourselves too lovely.
Express affectionate fondness in your visits and letters; the more
the better, so that you keep it a sentiment, not debase it by animal
passion. It is still establishing its rootlets, like young corn,
instead of growing. Allow no amatory excitement, no frenzied, delirious
intoxication with it; for its violence, like every other, must react
only to exhaust and paralyze itself by its own excesses.
Affianced young man, life has its epochs, which revolutionize it for
good or bad. You are now in one. You have heretofore affiliated much
with men; formed habits of smoking or chewing tobacco; indulged in
late suppers; abused yourself in various ways; perhaps been on sprees.
Now is your time to take a new departure from whatever is evil to all
that is good and pure. Break up most of your masculine associations;
and affiliate chiefly with your affianced. Be out no more nights. Let
your new responsibilities and relations brace you up against their
temptations; and, if these are not sufficient, your prospective spouse
will help. No other aid in resisting temptation and inspiring to good
equals that of a loving, loved woman.
Break off from your cronyisms, clubs, societies, all engagements
except such as mean imperative, cold-blooded business. Your new ties
furnish an excellent excuse. All your spare time and small change are
wanted for _her_. To give to bad habits the time and money due to her
and setting up in life, is outrageous. Bend everything to your new
relations, them to nothing. Now’s your time to turn over a new leaf,
and turn all the angles, corners and right-about faces needed.
Affianced maiden, you have some departures to take and corners to turn.
Your life has till now been frivolous, but has now become serious. You
have no more need of toilet fineries; for “your market is made,” and
you have work on hand far more important, namely, fitting yourself for
your new duties. Find out what they demand of you, and set right about
making a premium wife and mother. Both begin life anew. Forgetting the
past, plant and sow now what you would gather and become always.
The Best of all Possessions.
Woman is man’s choicest treasure. That is the most precious which
confers the most happiness. She is adapted to render him incomparably
happier than any other terrestrial possession. He can enjoy luscious
peaches, melting pears, crack horses, dollars and other things
innumerable; but a well-sexed man can enjoy woman most of all. He is
poor indeed, and takes little pleasure in this life, be his possessions
and social position what they may, who takes no pleasure with her. All
description utterly fails to express the varied and exultant enjoyments
God has engrafted into a right sexual state. Only few experiences
can attest how many and great, from infancy to death, and throughout
eternity itself. All God could do He has done to render each sex
superlatively happy in the other. Of all his beautiful and perfect
work, this is the most beautiful and perfect. Of all his benignant
devices, this is his most benign. All the divine attributes, all human
happiness, converge in male and female adaptations to mutual enjoyments.
Each is correspondingly precious to the other. Man should prize many
things, yet woman is his pearl of greatest price. He should preserve,
cherish, husband many life possessions, but woman the most. He has many
jewels in his crown of glory, but she is his gem-jewel, his diadem.
What masculine luxury equals making women in general, and the loved one
in particular, happy?
The Source of Miseries.
Beginning and conducting courtship as this chapter directs, avoiding
the errors and following the directions it specifies, will just as
surely render all superlatively happy as sun will rise to-morrow.
Scan their sense. Do they not expound nature’s love-initiating and
consummating ordinances? Are they not worthy of being put into
practice? Discordants, can you not trace many of your antagonisms and
miseries to their ignorant violation? Parents, what are they worth to
put into your children’s hands, to forewarn them against carelessly,
ignorantly, spoiling their marriage? Young ladies, what are they worth
to you, as showing you how to so treat your admirers as to gain and
redouble their heart’s devotion? Young men, what are these warnings
and teachings worth to you? God in his natural laws will bless all who
practice, curse all who violate them.
The conduct during engagement on the part of the gentleman should be
marked by the utmost courtesy toward and confidence in the woman of his
choice; a state of feeling which she should fully reciprocate.
In public their behavior toward one another should not be markedly
different from that displayed by them toward other men and women of
their acquaintance; save that the bridegroom-elect should be on the
watch that not the slightest wish of the lady be unfulfilled.
As for the lady, while she is not expected to debar herself from
accepting the customary courtesies extended by the gentlemen of her
acquaintance, a slight reserve should mark her conduct in accepting
them. At all places of amusement or entertainment she should appear
either in the company of her _fiance_, or that of some relative.
She should never captiously take offense at her _fiance’s_ showing
the same attention to other ladies that she, in her turn, is willing
to accept from other gentlemen, and she should take the same pains to
please his taste in trifles that he does to gratify her slightest wish.
This does not mean, though, that in the selfishness and blindness
of love—and love is very blind and selfish sometimes—she is to shut
herself up to his companionship at all times, excluding him from the
family circle of which he is so soon to become a member, and “pairing
off” on all occasions, thus rendering both the mark for silly jestings.
How to Cherish Love.
But, in sober matter-of-fact, that little ring of gold does not mean
utter blindness. It does not mean that she is to devote her evenings
exclusively to the chosen one, ignoring her family entirely. It does
not mean that she is to accept valuable presents of all kinds at his
hands, to expect him to give up all his friends for her sake, nor to
confide all the secrets of the household to his keeping, but, as one
wise woman says, to “guard herself in word and deed; hold his love in
the best way possible; tie it firmly with the blue ribbon of hope,
and never let it be eaten away by the little fox who destroys so many
loving ties, and who is called familiarity.”
Neither is this counsel to be deemed over-cautious, since, alas! even
“engagements” are sometimes broken in this uncertain world, and surely
there is no womanly woman that would not in such an event reflect
gladly, as she took up her life once more at the old point, that she
had remembered these things.
A domineering, jealous disposition on either side before marriage is
not the best possible guarantee for after happiness, and if these
traits are clearly shown during an engagement, the individual who
escapes from such thraldom before it is too late has shown conclusively
that discretion which is, at times, the better part of valor.
Conduct Toward Parents.
The gentleman should exercise some tact in regard to his conduct toward
the family of his betrothed. Marked attention should be shown toward
the lady’s mother. He should accommodate himself as much as possible to
the wishes, habits and ways of the household, and not being, as yet,
a member of the family, he should not presume to show an intrusive
familiarity of conversation.
The lady, on her part, should strive to show consideration,
friendliness, and a desire to please the parents of her
husband-that-is-to-be. Thus both will unite in the endeavor to overcome
that loving jealousy so natural on the part of those who see the claims
of another grown paramount in the heart of one of their number, and
feel that these new links are fast becoming stronger than ties of blood
and relationship.
The respective families should meet these advances with all kindness,
and should also endeavor, in view of the new union pending between
them, to make, if this be necessary, one another’s acquaintance as soon
as convenient.
Length of Engagements.
Engagements should not be entered upon prematurely, a certain degree
of acquaintanceship proving no mean preparation for an arrangement of
this nature. But when an engagement is once formed it should not, in
the majority of cases, be of an undue length. This is a matter to be
settled by the wishes or the circumstances of the contracting parties.
It is oftimes the measure of wisdom, where the obstacle is lack of
fortune, to risk some degree of deprivation, rather than submit to a
long-protracted engagement; the man, as head of the new home, finding a
fresh motive for ambitious striving, and both parties being preserved
from that coolness of feeling too often attendant upon years of
waiting. No homes are happier than those constructed on the principle
of economy and patient effort.
Broken Engagements.
Not unfrequently does it occur that circumstances arise that render the
dissolution of an engagement inevitable, and, as such a course, unless
mutual, of necessity involves an injury to the feelings of one party,
great care and delicacy should be employed in approaching the subject.
If the occasion should arise on the lady’s side, it must be remembered
that she is not bound to declare any other reason than her own sweet
will. It is better, however, for reasons to be frankly given, that the
step may not be attributed to mere caprice on her part. On the side of
the man the reasons must be strong, indeed, that can justify him in
breaking a solemn engagement sought of his own free will, and urged by
him upon the object of his choice. By thus releasing himself he not
unfrequently leaves the lady in an embarrassing position before the
public, not to mention the possible injury that may be inflicted upon
the deepest feelings of her heart.
If the cause should arise from any fault on the part of the lady, a man
of honor will ever preserve the strictest silence on the subject. If
from sudden failure in his own fortunes he should feel himself in duty
bound to relinquish his hope of present happiness lest he selfishly
drag another down to penury, let the reason be carefully and clearly
explained.
At the conclusion of an engagement let every gift, including the
engagement ring, and all photographs and letters that have been
exchanged between the two, be promptly returned by each that as little
as possible may remain to remind of the days that are done. It is
especially a point of honor on the gentleman’s part to retain nothing
that the lady may have given, or written, him.
Etiquette of Married Life.
Marriage, to the elect, may be fitly termed a state of grace, but
without a close observance of all the courtesies that tend to uplift
everyday life in some degree above the narrowness of mere existence it
may but too easily become what the old cynic declared it to be when he
wrote, “Marriage is a feast in which the grace is sometimes better than
the dinner.”
Mutual confidence and mutual respect are the two principal factors in
the case. Without these there can be none of that harmony so necessary
to happiness in the state matrimonial. And not only this, but they
should strive to be mutually entertaining.
The pains they took during their engagement to be agreeable to one
another at a time when they were by no means entirely dependent upon
themselves for companionship, would surely not be amiss in rendering
pleasant the years, and it may be decades of years, during which they
must be to a great extent dependent upon each other for entertainment.
The young man who spent so much time at the home of a certain lady that
he was finally asked why, if he was in love with her, he did not marry
her, uttered a sad truth when he answered, “Ah, but where then should I
pass my evenings?” A reflection upon the agreeableness of married life
that might easily be avoided by the exercise of care and tact on both
sides.
The Art of Agreeableness.
Philip Gilbert Hammerton, in his _Intellectual Life_, wisely suggests:
“A married couple are clearly aware that, in the course of a few years,
their society is sure to become mutually uninteresting unless something
is done. What is that something? Every author who succeeds, takes the
trouble to renew his mind by fresh knowledge, new thoughts. So, is it
not at least worth while to do as much to preserve the interest of
marriage?”
The wife who dresses for her husband’s sake, who reads that she may
qualify herself for conversation with him, who makes him the chief end
of her cares, and the husband who brings home from the outside world
some of its life and animation to share with her, who has a loving
interest in all that she has done for his pleasure, and, if wealth be
a stranger at their door, stands ready to lift the heaviest burdens
from her shoulders, have solved for themselves the problem of married
happiness, and found it to be a condition wherein every joy is doubled
and every sorrow halved.
Duty Toward One Another.
Let the wife have no confidant as to the little shortcomings of her
husband, over which love, as well as pride, should draw a sheltering
veil. Never listen to an unkind tale of his past or present mistakes,
and count all those who would seek thus to destroy your peace of mind
as your bitterest enemies. Let the husband in his turn remember that an
unkind or slighting word spoken of his wife, touches his own honor to
the quick, and be instant in resenting the words that should never have
been spoken in his presence.
Another point to be remembered in view of the duty of husband and
wife toward one another, is with reference to attending church or
entertainments. The wife has, in all probability, left a home where
the different members of the household were ready to accompany each
other whenever occasion served, and young friends were planning many
a pleasant outing, and now she is wholly dependent upon her husband
for all of these things. Let her beware, under these circumstances,
of allowing herself to attend church, lecture, or any other evening
entertainment, in the company of well-meaning friends. For the
husband, once seeing that his wife can attend these places without his
assistance, will soon, if such be his disposition, remain selfishly
home at all times, or, if otherwise inclined, still more selfishly find
his amusement in places widely foreign to his wife’s happiness or peace
of mind. The carelessness of many well-meaning men in this respect is
the cause of very much unhappiness that might be wholly avoided by a
little consideration as to the utter dependence of the wife upon her
husband for all these recreations.
Home Attire.
This is a subject that it should be unnecessary to touch upon, but,
unfortunately, too many bright, pretty, carefully-dressed girls
degenerate into careless, fretful, untidy and illy-clad young wives,
whose presence is anything but a joy forever to the individuals who
must face them across the family board for three hundred and sixty-five
days in every year. And it is this careless young woman who is first
to complain that “John does not care for me in the least, now we are
married,” while John is very apt to think, “If Carrie would only take
just a little of the pains to please me now that she did six months
ago, how much happier we would be.” And John is quite right about it.
This very carelessness on the part of wives has marred the happiness of
more than one new home. The ribbon, the flower, the color that “John
likes” and the smile that crowns all are magical in their effects.
Then let John always remember to bring to this home a pleasant face,
from which business cares are driven away, and a readiness to please
and be pleased, that meets the wife’s attempts half way, and the
evening meal will be made delightful by pleasant chat, which should
never consist of a _résumé_ of the day’s tribulations, but should turn
on subjects calculated to remove from the mind all trace of their
existence, and thus will they arise at its close better and happier for
the hour that has passed.
Household and Personal Expenses.
One of the chief sources of unhappiness in married life is the strife
arising from the vexed question of home and personal expenses. In the
first place, the husband frequently fails in regard to openness with
regard to his business concerns and profits; thus the wife, entirely
ignorant as to what amount she may safely spend, errs too often on
the side of extravagance, finding too late, when a storm of reproach
descends upon her innocent head, where and how she has sinned.
Then, too, it is often a sore trial to the wife’s pride to ask for the
money necessary to keep her own wardrobe in repair. Especially is this
the case when, before marriage, she was in receipt of her own money,
earned by her own hands. It seems to her that her husband ought to see
that she has need of certain articles, and the very fact that he does
not, leads her to the false supposition that he has ceased to care for
her, while he, if there was any thought about it in his mind, would
say, “Why doesn’t she ask for money if she wants it? She knows I will
give it to her if I have it.”
All these troubles would be avoided if married couples early came to
a definite understanding on this subject, and a certain sum were set
aside which the wife was to receive weekly for household expenses, her
personal wants to be supplied from such surplus as she may be able to
save from out this sum, or in some other way provided for by a stated
amount, both of which sums should be under her exclusive, unquestioned
control.
Some simple system of accounts should then be kept and regularly gone
over together on every quarter. A mutual agreement thus established
on the money question, much annoyance and much extravagance may be
prevented. It is not too much to suggest that, perhaps, it might not be
amiss to present an account of the husband’s expenses also, at these
quarterly reckonings.
Above all things, never let the wife, from a weak desire to gratify
her own personal vanity, enter upon some extravagant purchase, the
amount of which she must conceal from her husband, and (vainly often)
strive to pay in small amounts saved or borrowed. The result is usually
exposure, sometimes disgrace, pecuniary loss and loss of esteem in
the husband’s eyes. Perfect confidence is the only basis upon which
happiness can be safely founded.
A Pleasant Disposition.
Cultivate, on both sides, a disposition to restrain all unseemly
exhibitions of temper. Hysterics and prolonged and repeated fits of
tears soon lose their effect, and, at the last, a half-pitying contempt
is their only result. Let all conversation be refined in its tone. The
force of example in this respect carries with it a silent, impressive
power that is not easily resisted and lapses therefrom involve a loss
of this influence that cannot be easily estimated.
Profanity, too, is a deadly foe in the household and any wife that
permits her husband to swear in her presence, either to herself, or
concerning others, lessens her own self-respect each time it occurs.
That profanity can be repressed, has been shown her by the fact that,
no matter how long the previous engagement may have lasted, no word
of such import escaped the man’s lips in her presence, and surely the
woman chosen to be head of his home is no less worthy of his respect
than was the girl he wooed.
The habit of indulging in cutting or harsh remarks is one to be guarded
against. Mutual politeness should be exercised by both husband and
wife, and in all cases watch should be set over the mouth, and the door
of the lips well kept.
Boarding Versus Home Life.
The tendency in all large cities, at this present time, points toward
fashionable boarding-houses, or expensive lodging-houses, as the nuclei
round which the newly-married most do congregate.
It may be that the wife is utterly unused to the care of a house (in
which case the sooner she learn the art, the happier for both parties)
or, perhaps, the financial resources of the husband are unable to
support the drain consequent upon furnishing a home that shall gratify
the foolish pride of the wife. But, whatever the cause, the effects are
the same, and are to be found in the utter unfitness of women adopting
this manner of existence for any of the serious duties of life that,
sooner or later, come upon all who wear this mortal garb.
Then, too, in the idle, censorious, gossiping, novel-reading life that
flourishes in this hothouse existence, the seeds of lifelong misery are
not unfrequently sown.
Let a home, then, however small, be one of the first considerations in
beginning the married life, and let the adding to, and the beautifying
of, this precious possession be the duty and the privilege of the years
to come.
To the wife, in her housewifely _rôle_, belongs the care of overseeing
or accomplishing with her own hands, the varied duties that go to
secure the daily well-being of the home. She must see that the rooms
are bright, neat, and cosily arranged; that the meals are appetizingly
and punctually served, and be herself neatly and tastefully attired to
preside at the table.
Due allowances are to be made for the amount of manual labor she has
been obliged to perform with her own hands, still, by care and tact a
woman can always maintain a certain degree of neatness.
Let the husband, on his part, bring into the home cheerfulness, with a
quick remembrance of all those little attentions that go so far toward
making up the sum of earthly happiness. Let him see that, to the best
of his ability, the home wants are provided for, and be not forgetful
to lend the help of his stronger hand wherever needed. (Read carefully
other hints in department of Home Etiquette.)
Never demand of your wife more than you are willing to give. If you
desire to be received with smiles, enter the house with a cheerful
mien, and you will find there are few women who are not willing to give
measure for measure, and even a little more than they receive of kindly
attention. For a wife will usually shine, like the moon, by reflection,
and her happiness will always reflect your own.
[Illustration: Wedding, interior of church.]