“Courtship,” according to Sterne, “consists in a number of quiet
attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be
understood.”
In this little quotation lies the spirit and the letter of all
etiquette regarding courtship. The passion of love generally appearing
to everyone save the man who feels it, so entirely disproportionate
to the value of the object, so impossible to be entered into by any
outside individual, that any strong expressions of it appear ridiculous
to a third person. For this reason it is that all extravagance of
feeling should be carefully repressed as an offense against good
breeding.
Man was made for woman, and woman equally for man. How shall they treat
each other? How shall they come to understand their mutual relations
and duties? It is lofty work to write upon this subject what ought
to be written. Mistakes, fatal blunders, hearts and lives wrecked,
homes turned into bear-gardens, tears, miseries, blasted hopes, awful
tragedies—can you name the one most prolific cause of all these?
If our young people were taught what they ought to know—if it were told
them from infancy up—if it were drilled into them and they were made to
understand what now is all a mystery to them—a dark, vague, unriddled
mystery—hearts would be happier, homes would be brighter, lives would
be worth living and the world would be better.
[Illustration: “GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT! PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW,
THAT I SHALL SAY GOOD NIGHT TILL IT BE MORROW.”]
[Illustration: A POLITE ESCORT.]
This is now the matter—matter grave and serious enough—which we have in
hand. There are gems of wisdom founded on health, morality, happiness,
which should be put within reach of every household in our whole
broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject. People are
squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with their lips
what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies when he
formed them. It is time such nonsense—nonsense shall we say?—rather
say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed by the sober
common sense and moral duty of universal society.
Courtship! Its theme, how delightful! Its memories and associations,
how charming! Its luxuries the most luxurious proffered to mortals!
Its results how far reaching, and momentous! No mere lover’s fleeting
bauble, but life’s very greatest work! None are equally portentous, for
good and evil.
Errors of Love-Making.
God’s provisions for man’s happiness are boundless and endless. How
great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing! How much greater
those of mind! Yet a right love surpasses them all; and can render us
all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict; and a wrong more
miserable.
Right love-making is more important than right selection; because
it affects conjugal life for the most. Men and women need knowledge
concerning it more than touching anything else. Their fatal errors
show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married
discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is proved
by love usually declining; while adaptation remains the same.
Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more
concordants, still more those already in love; which only some
serious causes can rupture. The whole power of this love element is
enlisted in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both.
As nature’s health provisions are so perfect that only its great and
long-continued outrage can break it; so her conjugal are so numerous
and perfect that but for outrageous violation of her love laws all who
once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy every
day.
Any man who can begin to elicit any woman’s love, can perfectly
infatuate her more and more, solely by courting her right; and all
women who once start a man’s love—no very difficult achievement—can
get out of him, and do with him, anything possible she pleases. The
charming and fascinating power of serpents over birds is as nothing
compared with that a woman can wield over a man, and he over her.
Ladies, recall your love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly
spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what
alacrity he sprang to indulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and
do exactly as you desired! If you had only courted him just right, he
would have continued to grow still more so till now. This is equally
true of a man’s power over every woman who once begins to love him.
What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand?
How to Carry on Courtship.
Intuition, our own selfhood, is nature’s highest teacher, and
infallible; and tells all, by her “still, small voice within,” whether
and just wherein they are making love right or wrong. Every false step
forewarns all against itself; and great is their fall who stumble.
Courtship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept
inviolate.
Then throw yourself, O courting youth, upon your own interior sense
of propriety and right, as to both the beginning and conducting of
courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have
no fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect
assurance of their happy eventuality!
“What can I do or omit to advance my suit? prevent dismissal? make my
very best impression? guarantee acceptance? touch my idol’s heart?
court just right?” This is what all true courters say.
Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You inspire
in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you yourself
experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in either
awakens itself in the other. This is just as sure as gravity itself.
Hence your success must come from _within_, depends upon yourself, not
the one courted.
Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one
courted, and humor and adapt yourself to them.
Be extra careful not to prejudice him or her against you by awakening
any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other’s resistance
against you, antagonizes all the other faculties, and proportionally
turns love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all
the other feelings, to your injury; what delights it, turns them in
your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes
human nature; which lovers will do right well to study. To give an
illustration:
A Case to the Point.
An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman
eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two
young rivals, each having more points in their favor, and came to his
final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they
could “cut him out” by showing her that he was poor; she till then
thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved
his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made “_his_ cake
dough,” leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed
himself right to her _affections_, saying little about money matters,
but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they
were strangers; and left his suit right on this one point; adding:
“You know I can make money; know how intensely I esteem, admire,
idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater affection, with my
earnings, do more for you than they with more money, but less love?”
Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said
“yes.” He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much
greater availability.
Manifesting the domestic affections and virtues, a warm, gushing
friendly nature, fondness for children and home, inspires a man’s love
most of all, while evincing talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman.
Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make
your own matches, and let others make theirs; especially if you have
bungled your own. One _such_ bungle is one too many.
The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is “fore-ordained” by
themselves, its only rightful umpires, which all right-minded outsiders
will try to promote, not prevent. How despicable to separate husbands
and wives! Yet is not parting those married by a love-_spirit_, equally
so? Its mere legal form can but increase its validity, not create it.
Marriage is a divine institution, and consists in their own personal
betrothal. Hence breaking up a true love-union before its legal
consummation, is just as bad as parting loving husband and wife; which
is monstrous. All lovers who allow it are its wicked partakers.
Choice of Associates.
The first point to be considered on this subject is a careful choice of
associates, which will often, in the end, save future unhappiness and
discomfort, since, as Goldsmith so truthfully puts it, “Love is often
an involuntary passion placed upon our companions without our consent,
and frequently conferred without even our previous esteem.”
This last most unhappy state of affairs may, to a great extent, be
avoided by this careful choosing of companions. Especially is this true
on the part of the lady, since, from the nature and constitution of
society, an unsuitable acquaintance, friendship, or alliance, is more
embarrassing and more painful for the woman than the man. As in single
life an undesirable acquaintance is more derogatory to a woman than to
a man, so in married life, the woman it is who ventures most, “for,”
as Jeremy Taylor writes, “she hath no sanctuary in which to retire
from an evil husband; she may complain to God as do the subjects of
tyrants and princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of
unkindness.”
First Steps.
To a man who has become fascinated with some womanly ideal, we would
say, if the acquaintanceship be very recent, and he, as yet, a stranger
to her relatives, that he should first consider in detail his position
and prospects in life, and judge whether or not they are such as would
justify him in striving to win the lady’s affections, and later on
her hand in marriage. Assured upon this point, and let no young man
think that a fortune is necessary for the wooing of any woman worth
the winning, let him then gain the needful introductions through some
mutual friend to her parents or guardians.
If, on the other hand, it is a long acquaintance that has ripened into
admiration, this latter formality will be unnecessary.
As to the lady, her position is negative to a great extent. Yet it is
to be presumed that her preferences, though unexpressed, are decided,
and, if the attentions of a gentleman are agreeable, her manners will
be apt to indicate, in some degree, the state of her mind.
Prudence, however, does, or should, warn her not to accept too marked
attentions from a man of whose past life she knows nothing, and of
whose present circumstances she is equally ignorant.
Character.
There is one paramount consideration too often overlooked and too late
bewailed in many a ruined home, and that is the character of the man
who seeks to win a woman’s hand. Parents and guardians cannot be too
careful in this regard, and young women themselves should, by refusing
such associates, avoid all danger of contracting such ties. Wealth, nor
family rank, nor genius, availeth aught if the character of the man be
flawed.
Let parents teach their daughters and let girls understand for
themselves that happiness, or peace, in married life is impossible
where a man is, in any wise, dissipated, or liable to be overcome by
any of the fashionable vices of the day. Better go down to your grave a
“forlorn spinster” than marry such a man.
Disposition.
As to temper or disposition, the man or woman can easily gain some
insight into the respective peculiarities of another’s temperament by
a little quiet observation. If the gentleman be courteous and careful
in his attentions to his mother and sisters, and behave with ease and
consideration toward all women, irrespective of age, rank, or present
condition, she may feel that her first estimate was a correct one. On
the other hand, should he show disrespect toward women as a class,
sneer at sacred things, evince an inclination for expensive pleasures
in advance of his means, or for low amusements or companionship; be
cruel to the horse he drives, or display an absence of all energy in
his business pursuits, then is it time to gently, but firmly, repel all
nearer advances on his part.
As to the gentleman, it will be well for him also to watch carefully as
to the disposition of the lady and her conduct in her own family. If
she be attentive and respectful to her parents, kind and affectionate
toward her brothers and sisters, not easily ruffled in temper and with
inclination to enjoy the pleasures of home; cheerful, hopeful and
charitable in disposition, then may he feel, indeed, that he has a
prize before him well worth the winning.
If, however, she should display a strong inclination towards
affectation and flirtation; be extremely showy or else careless in
her attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may
rightly conclude that very little home happiness is to be expected from
her companionship.
Trifling.
A true gentleman will never confine his attentions exclusively to one
lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to
all manner of conjecture, lays an embargo on the formation of other
acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her happiness, and by
after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortification.
Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in honor bound to make
his attentions to ladies as general as possible.
Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the man who insinuates
himself into the affections of a young girl by every protestation and
avowal possible, save that which would be binding upon himself, and
then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he
has not committed himself.
Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on
a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure
of refusing him and thus adding one more name to her list of rejected
proposals, is utterly unworthy the name of woman.
Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts.
On the question of gifts there is a point of etiquette to be observed.
Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits,
flowers, or confections; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small
fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, are supposed, in all
probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation
resting upon the lady.
Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical
composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with
perfect propriety, say, “I wish that you could see such or such a work
and, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy.” It is
then optional with the lady to accept or refuse.
Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no
secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in
the presence of her father and mother, “I am very much obliged to
you for that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to
offer me the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or
Mamma does not object.” If the lady is positive in her objections to
receiving gifts, it is easy to say, “I thank you for the kindness but I
never take expensive presents;” or, “Mamma never permits me to accept
expensive presents.” These refusals are always to be taken by the
gentleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted,
it is perfectly proper for the mother to return it with thanks,
saying, “I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive
gifts.”
After an engagement is formally made the etiquette of gifts is somewhat
altered, though even then expensive presents, unless it be the
engagement ring, are not in the best taste. These should be reserved
for the marriage gifts.
Proposals of Marriage.
The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature
that each man must be a law unto himself in the matter, and time and
opportunity will be his only guides to success, unless, mayhap, his
lady-love be the braver of the two and help him gently over the hardest
part, for there be men and men; some who brook not “no” for an answer,
and some that a moment’s hesitation on the part of the one sought would
seal their lips forever.
A woman must always remember that a proposal of marriage is the highest
honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must refuse it, to do so in
such fashion as to spare his feelings as much as possible. If she be
a true and well-bred woman, both proposal and refusal will be kept
a profound secret from every one save her parents. It is the least
balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has chosen her
from out all women to bear his name and to reign in his home. A wise
woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to the point of
a declaration, and, by her actions and her prompt acceptance of the
attentions of others, should strive to show the true state of her
feelings.
A gentleman should usually take “no” for an answer unless he be of
so persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by
siege; or unless the “no” was so undecided in its tone as to give some
hope of finding true the poet’s words:
“He gave them but one tongue to say us, ‘Nay,’
And two fond eyes to grant.”
On the gentleman’s part, a decided refusal should be received as calmly
as possible, and his resolve should be in no way to annoy the cause of
all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the origin of the
refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press his suit once
more; but if an avowed or evident preference for another be the reason,
it becomes imperative that he should at once withdraw from the field.
Any reason that the lady may, in her compassion, see fit to give him as
cause for her refusal, should ever remain his inviolable secret.
[Illustration: SOCIAL PASTIME ON RETURN VOYAGE]
[Illustration: DECLINED WITH REGRETS.]
As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At
engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should
be only intellectual, not affectional. You are yet more acquaintances
than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noonday
brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms _gradually_, and as summer
“lingers in the lap of spring;” so marriage should dally in the lap of
courtship. Nature’s adolescence of love should never be crowded into a
premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is; yet to
establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given it;
so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon cloys,
then disgusts.
Unbecoming Haste.
Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which involuntarily
shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is
sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of
marriage.
Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy
the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures
of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too great to
be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or diminishing them
redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundredfold more. A happy
courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever.
A lady, asked why she didn’t marry, since she had so many making love
to her, replied: “Because being courted is too great a luxury to be
spoilt by marrying.”
No man should wait to make his pile. Two must _acquire_ a competence
conjointly, in order fully to really _enjoy_ it together. This alone
can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces.
A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man’s selection and
decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canvass their mutual
adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory; yet
a final test and consummation now become necessary, both to bring this
whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive,
those objections which must needs exist on both sides; including any
improvements possible in either.
How to Deal with Objections.
The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and
real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A
verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future
reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this
its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is most
desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone,
and they have all their faculties under full control, than verbally,
perhaps, when excited. Those same primal reasons for reducing all other
contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to marriage.
You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true human nature
always appears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less
brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything. All
needed to appear well is to _feel_ right, and express naturally what is
felt. Saying plainly what you have to say, is all required.
The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any
contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be
obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both
may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time
to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting
both in each other’s eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations
are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or
conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretending to give
model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying
circumstances will vary each _ad infinitum_, the following may serve as
samples from which to work:
“MUCH ESTEEMED FRIEND: As we have agreed to canvass our mutual
adaptations for marriage, and my own mind is fully made up, a final
decision now becomes necessary.
“What I have learned of and from you confirms that high opinion of
you which prompted my selection of you, and inspires a desire to
consummate it. Your pleasing manner and mode of saying and doing
things; your intelligence, taste, prudence, kindness, and many other
excellencies, inspire my highest admiration.
“Will you let me love what I so much admire?
“But my affections are sacred. I can bestow them only on one who
_reciprocates_ them; will bestow them upon you, if you will bestow
yours on me; not otherwise; for only _mutual_ love can render either
happy. I can and will love you alone, with all my heart, provided you
can and will love only me, with all of yours. Do you accord me this
privilege, on this condition, for life, forever? I crave to make you
my wife; to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being,
with honest, assiduous toil, fidelity to business, what talents I
possess, and all I can do to contribute to your creature comforts. Do
you accord me this privilege, on this condition? May I enshrine you as
queen of my life?
“Say wherein you find me faulty, or capable of improvement in your
eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my conscience, to
render myself worthy and acceptable to you.
“I wish some things were different in you—that you had better health,
arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more about keeping house,
etc.; yet these minor matters sink into insignificance in comparison
with your many excellences, and especially that whole-souled affection
obviously inherent in you.
“Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in order to
decide judiciously, you require to know more of me, ask me, or —— and
——. Please reply as soon as you can well decide.
“Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly and
wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered affection,
say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of our marriage.
Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and hope ever to remain,
Yours truly,