The essence of all etiquette is to be found in the observance of the
spirit of the Golden Rule. Perhaps in no one point is the “do unto
others as ye would that they should do unto you,” more applicable
than in the prompt acknowledgment of either a formal or a friendly
invitation. This acknowledgment may be either denial or assent, but
whatever the form, it is requisite that the proffered courtesy should
be answered by a prompt and decisive acceptance or refusal. This is a
duty owed by an invited guest to his prospective host or hostess and
one that should never be neglected.
Answering an Invitation.
In accepting or declining an invitation close attention should be
paid to the form in which it is written and the same style followed
in the answer. For instance: should the invitation be formal, the
answer should preserve the same degree of formality; while a friendly
invitation in note form should meet with an acceptance or regret
couched in the same terms. Another rule to be rigidly observed is,
that the acceptance or refusal must be written in the same person
that characterized the invitation. For instance: if “Mr. and Mrs.
Algernon Smith request the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs.
Joseph Bronson at dinner, etc.,” with equal stateliness “Mr. and Mrs.
Joseph Bronson accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs.
Algernon Smith.” To do otherwise would imply ignorance of the very
rudiments of social or grammatical rules.
A friendly note of invitation, beginning somewhat after this fashion:
“Mr. Smith and I would be pleased to have you and Mr. Brown, etc.,”
would be accepted or declined in the same fashion and person, as: “Mr.
Brown and I accept with pleasure your kind invitation, etc.” To answer
such an invitation with a formal acceptance, or regret, written in
the third person, as given above, would display profound ignorance of
social customs.
An acceptance or regret, written in the first person, receives the
signature of the writer, but one written in the third person remains
unsigned. To sign it would produce a confusion of persons and be
ungrammatical to the last degree. Another error to be avoided is
that of beginning in this fashion: “I accept with pleasure the kind
invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Jones,” this also producing a change of
person altogether inadmissible. Neither must one be betrayed into the
mistake of using the words, “will accept,” thus throwing the acceptance
into the future tense, when, in reality, you _do_ accept, in the
present tense, at the moment of writing.
Accepting a Dinner Invitation.
Incumbent upon us as it is to answer the majority of our invitations
in either the affirmative or negative, there are degrees of necessity
even here, for, sin as we may in all other particulars, there is an
unwritten code like unto the laws of the Medes and Persians which
declareth that the invitations to a dinner are not to be lightly
set aside. First, an invitation to a dinner is the highest social
compliment that a host and hostess can pay to those invited, and,
second, the guests are limited in number and painstakingly arranged
in congenial couples by the careful hostess. Judge, then, of her
disappointment, when, at the last moment, some delinquent sends in
a hasty regret leaving little or no time to fill that terror of all
dinner-givers, that skeleton at the feast, an empty chair. One such
failure is sufficient to ruin the most carefully-arranged table and
is an injury to host and hostess that only the occurrence of some
unforeseen calamity can justify.
[Illustration: ANSWERING AN INVITATION.]
In answering an invitation it is well to repeat the date, as: “Your
kind invitation for Tuesday, May fifth.” This will give an opportunity,
if any mistakes have been made in dates, to rectify them at once. This
caution it would be well to observe in answering any invitation.
Answer decisively as well as promptly. Do not, if there is a doubt as
to your being able to attend, selfishly keep the lists open in your
favor by suggesting that “You hope to have the pleasure,” etc., or,
if married, that “one of us will come.” This is an injustice to those
inviting you, who, to make a success of their entertainment, must know
at once the number to be depended upon. Say “yes” or “no” promptly and
abide by your decision. To do this will, in case of refusal, give time
to fill your place at table.
Accepting a Dinner Invitation.
In accepting a dinner invitation the following form is very suitable.
This, of course, pre-supposes that the invitation has also been written
in the third person. (See Invitations.)
Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Pratt accept with pleasure the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December fifteenth, at
eight o’clock. 24 Abercrombie Street. Wednesday.
A gentleman might respond thus:
Mr. Fremont Miller has much pleasure in accepting the very kind
invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December
fifteenth, at eight o’clock. Union League Club. Wednesday.
To answer a formal invitation carelessly and familiarly is to show a
degree of disrespect to the sender, but, if the invitation be in note
form, first person, answer in same fashion, it being usually safe to
follow the style of invitation in either accepting or refusing the
proffered pleasure.
Never “present one’s compliments” in response to an invitation. It is
entirely out of date; neither should one say “the _polite_ invitation
of Mr. John Jones.” All invitations are presupposed to be “polite.”
“Your kind” or “very kind invitation” is a gracefully-turned and amply
sufficient phrase for all occasions.
Declining a Dinner Invitation.
An unexplained regret is often (as before mentioned) wounding to the
feelings of a sensitive person, leaving at times the impression that
one did not care to come. This can always be avoided by particularizing
the cause of refusal. A plea of expected absence, a previous engagement
to dine elsewhere, a recent bereavement, or sudden illness in the
family, are each of them good and sufficient reasons for non-acceptance
and should always be mentioned. Thus, in reply to a formal dinner
invitation, a “regret” might be sent in the following terms:
Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Patten sincerely regret that, owing to the
sudden illness of their daughter Eleanor they will be deprived of
the pleasure of accepting the very kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs.
Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December fifteenth. 24 Abercrombie
street. Wednesday.
This form of refusal will be found suitable for all formal occasions,
varying the name of the entertainment and the cause for non-acceptance
to suit the circumstances.
Persons in Mourning.
Invitations to those in mourning should be sent as a matter of course,
except during the first few weeks of deep bereavement, when their
sorrows are not to be intruded upon by the gayeties of the outer world.
After this first season of sorrow, invitations, which neither custom
nor their own feelings permit them to accept, should be sent, that they
may know that they are not forgotten in their solitude.
To these there is always given the privilege of declining all
invitations without any specified cause therefor, their black-bordered
stationery showing all too plainly the sad reason that prompted their
refusal. They should then send their cards (black-bordered) by mail
enclosed in two envelopes. These will take the place of a personal
call and should be the same in number. It may be mentioned here that
while people in deep mourning are not usually invited to dinners or
luncheons, it is customary for them to receive invitations to all
weddings and other social gatherings, and though they may not accept,
still it is gratifying for them to know that they are remembered in
their seclusion.
[Illustration: “WILL YOU ENTERTAIN THE COMPANY?”]
Addressing the Answer.
The answer to an invitation should always be addressed to the person
in whose name it is sent. If “Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe request the
pleasure,” etc., address the answer to “Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe.” If
“Mrs. Richard Roe is At Home” on a certain date, address the reply
to her alone. In case of wedding invitations, address all answers to
the parents of the bride, in whose name they are sent out, never to
the bride, although she may be your only personal acquaintance in the
family, the civility being due to the issuers of the invitation. This
is customary in the case of all invitations.
Wedding Invitations.
Wedding invitations are usually thought to require no answer unless it
be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. In this case the same exactness
in reply and the same form is demanded as for a dinner invitation. If
the invitation is extended to friends at a distance and pre-supposes
an intention to entertain the recipients for any length of time, the
obligation for speedy reply is equally necessary.
If the invitation is given by an informal note, as is the case with
some very quiet weddings, an answer must always be returned and in the
same note form. This attention is demanded by courtesy.
To a large crush wedding a regret, accompanied or not by a gift, may be
sent if desired; an acceptance is not necessary. Where the invitations
are to the church only, they are amply answered by sending or leaving
cards at the house. To receive a card stating that the wedded pair will
be “At Home” on certain dates, means that they desire to continue their
acquaintance with the parties thus invited, who should either call in
person or send cards promptly.
Wedding Anniversaries.
Anniversary invitations require an answer, thus giving a very pleasant
opportunity for congratulating the happy couple. The following forms
are suitable:
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings accept with pleasure the kind invitation
of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October tenth,
and present their warmest congratulations on their Silver Wedding
Anniversary. 45 Church Street. Thursday.
For a refusal:
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings sincerely regret that, owing to an
unexpected absence from town, they are unable to accept the very kind
invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October
tenth, but beg to present to them their warmest congratulations on
this occasion of their Silver Wedding Anniversary. 24 Church Street.
Wednesday.
The same formulæ in answering will apply to any of the anniversary
festivities.
Theater and Opera Parties.
These parties are frequently made up on rather short notice and the
invitations are then sent to the house by special messenger who awaits
the reply, which must be written at once, that the lady or gentleman
giving the entertainment may be sure of a certain number to fill the
box or stalls, engaged for the evening. Occasionally, when the party is
given by a gentleman, he takes a carriage and gives out the invitations
in person when a verbal answer is returned.
Luncheons and Suppers.
Invitations for these are written in the same form as for a dinner,
merely substituting the word “luncheon” or “supper” for “dinner,” and
should be accepted or refused in precisely the same style. Answers also
should be sent with the same promptness that the hostess may be certain
of arranging her table satisfactorily.
Other Invitations.
Other invitations, aside from those already specified in this
department, scarcely demand an answer, except they bear the words:
“The favor of an answer is requested,” or the initials, “R. S. V. P.”
Simple “at home” affairs never need an answer, though cards must always
be sent, or left in person, immediately afterward. Garden parties,
where they are held at any distance from the city and carriages are to
be sent to convey the guests thither, always require an answer; this,
however, is usually indicated upon the card.
Refusing After Acceptance.
Should it unfortunately occur, after accepting an invitation, that, by
one of the sorrowful happenings so often marring our best laid plans,
we are prevented from fulfilling our promise, let the regret sent be
prompt, that your hostess, especially if the entertainment be a dinner
or luncheon, may possibly, even at the eleventh hour, be able to supply
the vacancy. Make it explanatory as well, that she may feel positive
that no mere whim has caused the disarrangement of her plans.
What Not to Do.
Never write the word “accepts,” “regrets” or “declines” upon your
visiting card and send in lieu of a written note. To do so is not only
an insult to your hostess but a mark as well of your own ill-breeding.
An invitation, which is always an honor and implies the best that your
host is able to offer, should always receive the courtesy of a civil
reply.