SCENE--_Interior of newly-erected building. Present, the
Builder and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy,
the latter knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important;
Builder, in dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in
his breeches-pocket, where he chinks certain metallic
substances--which may be coins or keys--nervously and
intermittently. Surveyor, a burly mass of broadcloth and big
watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a menacing
pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing fashion, which
is singularly nerve-shaking._
_Surveyor_ (_speaking with his pencil in his mouth_). Well,
Mister--er--er--WOTSERNAME, I--er--think--'m, 'm, 'm--things seem to
be _pretty_ right as far's I can see; though of course--
_Builder_ (_hastily_). Oh, I assure you I've taken the _greatest_
pains to conform to--er--rules in--er--in _every_ way; though if there
_should_ be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only
to--
[Illustration]
_Surveyor_. Oh, of course, of course! _We_ know all about that. You
see _I_ can only go by rule. What's right's right; what's wrong's
wrong; that's about the size of it. _I've_ nothing to do with it, one
way or another, except to see the law carried out.
_Builder_. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you want to, we may
as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and--
_Surveyor_ (_suddenly_). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly
underpinned?
_Builder_ (_nervously_). Well--er--not exackly--but, 'er, 'er--well,
the fact is I thought--
_Surveyor_ (_sternly_). What you _thought_, Sir, doesn't affect the
matter. The question is, what the Building Act _says_. The whole thing
must come down!
_Builder_. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, at least, and
really the thing's as safe as--
_Surveyor_. Maybe, maybe--in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the Act
says it's got to be done.
_Builder_. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must _do_ it, of
course.
_Surveyor_ (_looking somehow disappointed_). Very sorry, of course,
but you see what must be must.
_Builder_ (_sadly_). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (_brightening_), anyhow,
we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and crack a
bottle of champagne.
_Surveyor_ (_also brightening_). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I
don't care if I do.
[_They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck,
and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and
Builder exchange reminiscences concerning past professional
experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for
"dodging the Act," &c., &c. Surveyor explains how stubborn
builders ("not like you, you know"), who don't do the thing
handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to expenses
that might have been avoided--and serve 'em right too! Also,
how others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally
gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little
extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact,
but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can get
over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the wine
circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows almost
boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling cynicism
of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort._
_Surveyor_ (_tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips_). Well,
well, the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling.
Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than
yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if
it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional
outlay--ah, by the way, _what_ did you say it would cost you?
_Builder_. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose.
_Surveyor_ (_lighting another cigar_). Humph! (_Puff'
puff!_) Pity--pity! (_Puff! puff!_) Now look here, my
boy--(_confidentially_)--suppose you and me just divide that
tenner between us, five to you, and five to me; and, as to the
"underpinning"--well, nobody'll be a bit the wiser, and the building
won't be a halfpenny the worse, _I'll_ bet my boots. Come, is it a
bargain?
[_After a little beating about the bush, the little "job" is
arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a fiver each,
and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading the law,
saving the Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the
salary of the Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or
otherwise, do not come within the compass of this sketch._
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