The conductor.
* * * * *
“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?”
“Bought ’em.”
“Does your wife choose your clothes?”
“No, she only picks the pockets!”
* * * * *
Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he?
Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy.
* * * * *
When did your teeth first begin troubling you?
When I was cutting them.
* * * * *
“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.”
“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.”
“Where?”
“At the circus.”
* * * * *
If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for
ten years.
What did they do with him?
They hung him.
* * * * *
“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.”
“Who is it?” “A blind man.”
* * * * *
_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?”
_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.”
_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”
* * * * *
“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped
and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.
* * * * *
“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.”
“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”
* * * * *
“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.”
“She must have changed since she married you.”
* * * * *
“Why is a kiss like the three graces?”
“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old
maid.”
* * * * *
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point
of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s
lying?”
* * * * *
Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do?