* * * * *
“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”
“What does he do?”
“Hires root beer.”
* * * * *
“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through
the mattress and fell into the spring.”
* * * * *
“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”
“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and
sixty.”
* * * * *
“Are you still following the races?”
“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.”
* * * * *
“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”
“O, he’s gone into real estate.”
“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.”
“It was; he’s dead.”
* * * * *
When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to
cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to
go to church right away.
* * * * *
_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!
_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a
little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer?
* * * * *
“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a
blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.”
“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk
back?”
“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”
* * * * *
“Is your sister ever out of temper?”
“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”
* * * * *
“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in.
“About one.”
Just then the clock struck three.
“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a
feeble attempt at justification and a joke.
* * * * *
“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?”
“They have gone to the wall.”
“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”
“Yes, but the patent expired.”
* * * * *
What is the difference between a man and a hen?
A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a
hen can’t.
* * * * *
My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.
He must have been a great general.
No, he was in a balloon.
* * * * *