At the conclusion of my second provostry, or rather, as I think, after it
was over, an accident happened in the town that might have led to no
little trouble and contention but for the way and manner that I managed
the same. My friend and neighbour, Mr Kilsyth, an ettling man, who had
been wonderful prosperous in the spirit line, having been taken on for a
bailie, by virtue of some able handling on the part of Deacon Kenitweel,
proposed and propounded, that there should be a ball and supper for the
trades; and to testify his sense of the honour that he owed to all the
crafts, especially the wrights, whereof Mr Kenitweel was then deacon, he
promised to send in both wine, rum, and brandy, from his cellar, for the
company. I did not much approve of the project, for divers reasons; the
principal of which was, because my daughters were grown into young
ladies, and I was, thank God, in a circumstance to entitle them to hold
their heads something above the trades. However, I could not positively
refuse my compliance, especially as Mrs Pawkie was requested by Bailie
Kilsyth, and those who took an active part in furtherance of the ploy, to
be the lady directress of the occasion. And, out of an honour and homage
to myself, I was likewise entreated to preside at the head of the table,
over the supper that was to ensue after the dancing.
In its own nature, there was surely nothing of an objectionable
principle, in a "trades' ball;" but we had several young men of the
gentle sort about the town, blythe and rattling lads, who were welcome
both to high and low, and to whom the project seemed worthy of a
ridicule. It would, as I said at the time, have been just as well to
have made it really a trades' ball, without any adulteration of the
gentry; but the hempies alluded to jouked themselves in upon us, and
obligated the managers to invite them; and an ill return they made for
this discretion and civility, as I have to relate.
On the nightset for the occasion, the company met in the assembly-room,
in the New-inns, where we had bespoke a light genteel supper, and had
M'Lachlan, the fiddler, over from Ayr, for the purpose. Nothing could be
better while the dancing lasted; the whole concern wore an appearance of
the greatest genteelity. But when supper was announced, and the company
adjourned to partake of it, judge of the universal consternation that was
visible in every countenance, when, instead of the light tarts, and nice
jellies and sillybobs that were expected, we beheld a long table, with a
row down the middle of rounds of beef, large cold veal-pies on pewter
plates like tea-trays, cold boiled turkeys, and beef and bacon hams, and,
for ornament in the middle, a perfect stack of celery.
The instant I entered the supper-room, I saw there had been a plot: poor
Bailie Kilsyth, who had all the night been in triumph and glory, was for
a season speechless; and when at last he came to himself, he was like to
have been the death of the landlord on the spot; while I could remark,
with the tail of my eye, that secret looks of a queer satisfaction were
exchanged among the beaux before mentioned. This observe, when I made
it, led me to go up to the bailie as he was storming at the bribed and
corrupt innkeeper, and to say to him, that if he would leave the matter
to me, I would settle it to the content of all present; which he,
slackening the grip he had taken of the landlord by the throat, instantly
conceded. Whereupon, I went back to the head of the table, and said
aloud, "that the cold collection had been provided by some secret
friends, and although it was not just what the directors could have
wished, yet it would be as well to bring to mind the old proverb, which
instructs us no to be particular about the mouth of a gi'en horse." But
I added, "before partaking thereof, wel'll hae in our bill frae the
landlord, and settle it,"--and it was called accordingly. I could
discern, that this was a turn that the conspirators did not look for. It,
however, put the company a thought into spirits, and they made the best
o't. But, while they were busy at the table, I took a canny opportunity
of saying, under the rose to one of the gentlemen, "that I saw through
the joke, and could relish it just as well as the plotters; but as the
thing was so plainly felt as an insult by the generality of the company,
the less that was said about it the better; and that if the whole bill,
including the cost of Bailie Kilsyth's wine and spirits, was defrayed, I
would make no enquiries, and the authors might never be known." This
admonishment was not lost, for by-and-by, I saw the gentleman confabbing
together; and the next morning, through the post, I received a twenty-
pound note in a nameless letter, requesting the amount of it to be placed
against the expense of the ball. I was overly well satisfied with this
to say a great deal of what I thought, but I took a quiet step to the
bank, where, expressing some doubt of the goodness of the note, I was
informed it was perfectly good, and had been that very day issued from
the bank to one of the gentlemen, whom, even at this day, it would not be
prudent to expose to danger by naming.
Upon a consultation with the other gentlemen, who had the management of
the ball, it was agreed, that we should say nothing of the gift of twenty
pounds, but distribute it in the winter to needful families, which was
done; for we feared that the authors of the derision would be found out,
and that ill-blood might be bred in the town.