Letters from Mrs. Linwood and Edith waited me at home. Their perusal
gave me an opportunity to collect my thoughts, and an excuse to talk of
them, of Grandison Place, rather than of topics connected with the
present. Yet all the time I was reading Mrs. Linwood's expression of
trusting affection, I said to myself,--
"What would she say, if she knew I had parted with her splendid gift,
unknown to my husband, whose happiness she committed so solemnly to my
keeping?"
I told Ernest of the interesting circumstances connected with Mr.
Brahan's house, and of the picture of my mother I so longed that I
should see. The wish was gratified sooner than I anticipated; for that
very evening, it was sent to me by Mr. Brahan, with a very elegant note,
in which he asked me to take charge of it till the rightful owner
appeared to claim it as his own.
"It _is_ like you, Gabriella," said Ernest, gazing with evident
admiration on the beauteous semblance; "and it is an exquisite painting
too. You must cherish this picture as a proof of your mother's beauty
and your father's genius."
I did cherish it, as a household divinity. I almost worshipped it, for
though I did not burn before it frankincense and myrrh, I offered to it
the daily incense of memory and love.
As Margaret consented to remain a week with her friend Miss Haven, we
were left in quiet possession of our elegant leisure, and Ernest openly
rejoiced in her absence. He read aloud to me, played and sung with
thrilling melody, and drew out all his powers of fascination for my
entertainment. The fear of his discovering my clandestine meeting grew
fainter and fainter as day after day passed, without a circumstance
arising which would lead to detection.
One evening, Mr. Harland, with several other gentlemen, was with us.
Ernest was unusually affable, and of course my spirits rose in
proportion. In the course of conversation, Mr. Harland remarked that he
had a _bet_ for me to decide.
"I cannot consent to be an umpire," said I. "I dislike betting in
ladies, and if gentlemen indulge in it, they must refer to their own
sex, not ours."
"But it has reference to yourself," he cried, "and you alone _can_
decide."
"To me!" I exclaimed, involuntarily glancing at Ernest.
"Yes! A friend of mine insists that he saw you walking in the ---- Park,
the other morning, with a gentleman, who was too tall for Mr. Linwood.
That you wore a gray shawl and green veil, but that your air and figure
could not possibly be mistaken. I told him, in the first place, that you
never dressed in that style; in the second, that he was too far from you
to distinguish you from another; and in the third, that it was
impossible you should be seen walking with any gentleman but your
husband, as he never gave them an opportunity. As he offered a high
wager, and I accepted it, I feel no small interest in the decision."
"Tell your friend, Mr. Harland," exclaimed Ernest, rising from his seat,
and turning pale as marble, "that I will not permit my wife's name to be
bandied from lip to lip in the public street, nor her movements made a
subject for low and vulgar betting."
"Mr. Linwood!" cried Mr. Harland, rising too, with anger flashing from
his eyes, "do you apply those remarks to me?"
"I make no application," answered Ernest, with inexpressible
haughtiness; "but I again assert, that the freedom taken with my wife's
name is unwarrantable, and _shall_ not be repeated."
"If Mrs. Linwood considers herself insulted," cried Mr. Harland, "I am
ready to offer _her_ any apology she may desire. Of one thing she may be
assured: no disrespect was intended by the gentleman to whom I allude,
and she certainly cannot think that I would forget her claims as a lady,
and as the wife of the man whom I had reason to believe my friend."
He spoke the last sentence with strong emphasis, and the blood mounted
high in the pale face of Ernest. I could only bow, as Mr. Harland
concluded, in acceptance of the apology, for I saw a thunder-cloud
darkening over me, and knew it would break in terror over my head.
"I have spoken hastily, Mr. Harland," said Ernest. "If I have said any
thing wounding to your feelings, as a gentleman, I recall it. But you
may tell your friend, that the next time he asserts that he has seen
Mrs. Linwood walking with a stranger, in a public place, when I _know_
she was in company with some of the first ladies of the city for
benevolent designs, I shall call him to account for such gross
misrepresentations."
And I heard this in silence,--without contradiction.
Oh! how must the woman feel who has deceived her husband for a guilty
purpose, when I, whose motives were pure and upright, suffered such
unutterable anguish in the prospect of detection? If I were hardened
enough to deny the assertion,--if I could only have laughed and wondered
at the preposterous mistake,--if I could have assumed an air of
indifference and composure, my secret might have been safe. But I was a
novice in deception; and burning blushes, and pale, cold shadows
alternately flitted across my face.
It was impossible to resume the conversation interrupted by a scene so
distressing to some, so disagreeable to all. One by one our guests
retired, and I was left alone with Ernest.
The chandeliers were glittering overhead, the azure curtains received
their light in every sweeping fold, cherubs smiled bewitchingly from the
arching ceiling, and roses that looked as if they might have blossomed
by "Bendemere's stream," blushed beneath my feet,--yet I would gladly
have exchanged all this splendor for a spot in the furthest isle of the
ocean, a lone and barren spot, where the dark glance which I _felt_, but
did not see, could not penetrate.
I sat with downcast eyes and wildly throbbing heart, trying to summon
resolution to meet the trial I saw there was no means of escaping. If he
questioned, I must answer. I could not, dared not, utter a falsehood,
and evasion would be considered equivalent to it.
He walked back and forth the whole length of the parlor, two or three
times, without speaking, then stopped directly in front of me, still
silent. Unable to bear the intolerable oppression of my feelings, I
started up and attempted to leave the room; but he arrested me by the
arm, and his waxen fingers seemed hardened to steel.
"Gabriella!"
His voice sounded so distant, so cold!
"Ernest!"
I raised my eyes, and for a moment we looked each other in the face.
There was fascination in his glance, and yet it had the dagger's
keenness.
"What is the meaning of what I have just heard? What is the meaning of a
report, which I should have regarded as the idle wind, did not your
overwhelming confusion establish its truth? Tell me, for I am not a man
to be tampered with, as you will find to your cost."
"I cannot answer when addressed in such a tone. Oh, I cannot."
"Gabriella! this is not a moment to trifle. Tell me, without
prevarication,--were you, or were you not in the Park, walking with a
gentleman, on the morning you left for Mrs. Brahan's? Answer me,--yes,
or no."
Had he spoken with gentleness,--had he seemed moved to sorrow as well as
indignation, I would have thrown myself at his feet, and deprecated his
anger; but my spirit rose in rebellion at the stern despotism of his
manner, and nerved itself to resist his coercive will.
Truly is it said, "We know not what manner of spirit we are of."
I little thought how high mine could rebound from the strong pressure
which, in anticipation, crushed it to the dust.
I felt firm to endure, strong to resist.
"Ernest! I have done you no wrong," I answered, raising my eyes to his
pale, dark countenance. "I have done nothing to merit the displeasure
which makes you forget the courtesy of a gentleman, as well as the
tenderness of a husband."
"Then it was a false report," he exclaimed,--a ray of light flashing
from his clouded eyes,--"you could not look me in the face and speak in
that tone unless you were innocent! Why did you not deny it at once?"
"Only listen to me, Ernest," I cried; "only give me a patient, gentle
hearing, and I will give you a history, which I am certain will convert
your indignation into sympathy, and free me from suspicion or blame."
I armed myself with resolution to tell him all. My father was in all
probability far away on the billows of the Atlantic. My disclosures
could not affect him now. My promise of secrecy did not extend into the
future. I would gladly have withheld from my husband the knowledge of
his degradation, for it was humiliating to the child to reveal the
parent's shame. Criminal he knew him to be, with regard to my mother,
but Ernest had said, when gazing on her picture, he almost forgave the
crime which had so much to extenuate it. The gambler, the profligate,
the lost, abandoned being, who had thrown himself so abjectly on my
compassion: in these characters, the high-minded Ernest would spurn him
with withering indignation. Yet as the interview had been observed, and
his suspicions excited, it was my duty to make an unreserved
confession,--and I did. Conscious of the purity of my motives, and
assured that he must eventually acquit me of blame, I told him all, from
the note he dropped into my lap at the theatre, to the diamond casket
given in parting to his desperate hand. I told him all my struggles, my
fears, my agonies,--dwelling most of all on the agony I suffered in
being compelled to deceive _him_.
Silently, immovably he heard me, never interrupting me by question or
explanation. He had seated himself on a sofa when I began, motioning me
to sit down by him, but I drew forward a low footstool and sat at his
feet, looking up with the earnestness of truth and the confidence of
innocence. Oh! he could not help but acquit me,--he could not help but
pity me. I had done him injustice in believing it possible for him to
condemn me for an act of filial obedience, involving so much
self-sacrifice and anguish. He would clasp me to his bosom,--he would
fold me in his arms,--he would call me his "own, darling Gabriella."
A pause,--a chilling pause succeeded the deep-drawn breath with which I
closed the confession. Cold, bitter cold, fell that silence on my
hoping, trembling, yet glowing heart. He was leaning on his elbow,--his
hand covered his brow.
"Ernest," at length I said, "you have heard my explanation. Am I, or am
I not, acquitted?"
He started as if from a trance, clasped his hands tightly together, and
lifted them above his head,--then springing up, he drew back from me, as
if I were a viper coiling at his feet.
"Your father!" he exclaimed with withering scorn. "Your father! The tale
is marvellously conceived and admirably related. Do you expect me to
believe that that bold libertine, who made you the object of his
unrepressed admiration, was your father? Why, that man was not old
enough to be your father,--and if ever profligacy was written on a human
countenance, its damning lines were traced on his. Your father! Away
with a subterfuge so vile and flimsy, a falsehood so wanton and
sacrilegious."
Should I live a thousand years, I never could forget the awful shock of
that moment, the whirlwind of passion that raged in my bosom. To be
accused of _falsehood_, and such a falsehood, by Ernest, after my
truthful, impassioned revelation;--it was what I could not, would not
bear. My heart seemed a boiling cauldron, whence the hot blood rushed in
burning streams to face, neck, and hands. My eyes flashed, my lips
quivered with indignation.
"Is it I, your wife, whom you accuse of falsehood?" I exclaimed; "dare
you repeat an accusation so vile?"
"Did you not _act_ a falsehood, when you so grossly deceived me, by
pretending to go on an errand of benevolence, when in reality you were
bound to a disgraceful assignation? What veteran _intriguante_ ever
arranged any thing more coolly, more deliberately? Even if the story of
that man's being your father were not false, what trust could I ever
repose in one so skilled in deception, so artful, and so perfidious?"
"Ernest, you will rue what you say now, to your dying day; you will rue
it at the judgment bar of heaven; you are doing me the cruellest wrong
man ever inflicted on woman."
The burning current in my veins was cooling,--a chill, benumbing sense
of injustice and injury was settling on every feeling. I looked in his
face, and its classic beauty vanished, even its lineaments seemed
changed, the illusion of love was passing away; with indescribable
horror I felt this; it was like the opening of a deep, dark abyss. Take
away my love for Ernest, and what would be left of life?
Darkness--despair--annihilation. I thought not, recked not then of his
lost love for me; I only dreaded ceasing to love _him_, dreaded that
congelation of the heart more terrible than death.
"Where is the note?" he asked suddenly. "Show me the warrant for this
secret meeting."
"I destroyed it."
Again a thunder-gust swept over his countenance. I ought to have kept
it, I ought to have anticipated a moment like this, but my judgment was
obscure by fear.
"You destroyed it!"
"Yes; and well might I dread a disclosure which has brought on a scene
so humbling to us both. Let it not continue; you have heard from me
nothing but plain and holy truth; I have nothing to say in my defence.
Had I acted differently, you yourself would despise and condemn me."
"Had you come to me as you ought to have done, asking my counsel and
assistance, I would have met the wretch who sought to beguile you; I
would have detected the imposter, if you indeed believed the tale; I
would have saved you from the shame of a public exposure, and myself the
misery, the tortures of this hour."
"Did he not threaten your life and his own? Did he not appeal to me in
the most solemn and awful manner not to betray him?"
"You might have known the man who urged you to deceive your husband to
be a villain."
"Alas! alas! I know him to be a villain; and yet he is my father."
"He is not your father! I know he is not. I would swear it before a
court of justice. I would swear it before the chancery of the skies!"
"Would to heaven that your words were true. Would to heaven my being
were not derived from such a polluted source. But I know too well that
he _is_ my father; and that he has entailed on me everlasting sorrow.
You admit, that if he is an impostor, I was myself deceived. You recall
your fearful accusation."
"My God!" he exclaimed, clasping his hands, and looking wildly upwards,
"I know not what to believe. I would give worlds, were they mine, for
the sweet confidence forever lost! The cloud was passing away from my
soul. Sunshine, hope, love, joy, were there. I was wrapped in the dreams
of Elysium! Why have you so cruelly awakened me? If you had deceived me
once, why not go on; deny the accusation; fool, dupe me,--do any thing
but convince me that where I have so blindly worshipped, I have been so
treacherously betrayed."
I pitied him,--from the bottom of my soul I pitied him, his countenance
expressed such exceeding bitter anguish. I saw that passion obscured his
reason; that while under its dominion he was incapable of perceiving the
truth. I remembered the warning accents of his mother: "You have no
right to complain." I remembered her Christian injunction, "to endure
all;" and my own promise, with God's help, to do it. All at once, it
seemed as if my guardian angel stood before me, with a countenance of
celestial sweetness shaded by sorrow; and I trembled as I gazed. I had
bowed my shoulder to the cross; but as soon as the burden galled and
oppressed me, I had hurled it from me, exclaiming, "it was greater than
I could bear." I _had_ deceived, though not betrayed him. I _had_ put
myself in the power of a villain, and exposed myself to the tongue of
slander. I had expected, dreaded his anger; and was it not partly just?
As these thoughts darted through my mind with the swiftness and power of
lightning, love returned in all its living warmth, and anguish in
proportion to the wound it had received. I was borne down irresistibly
by the weight of my emotions. My knees bent under me. I bowed my face on
the sofa; and tears, hot and fast as tropic rain, gushed from my eyes. I
wept for him even more than myself,--wept for the "dark-spotted flower"
twined with the roses of love.
I heard him walking the room with troubled steps; and every step sounded
as mournful to me as the earth-fall on the coffin-lid. Their echo was
scarcely audible on the soft, yielding carpet; yet they seemed loud and
heavy to my excited ear. Then I heard him approach the sofa, and stop,
close to the spot where I knelt. My heart almost ceased beating; when he
suddenly knelt at my side, and put his arms around me.
"Gabriella!" said he, "if I have done you wrong, may God forgive me; but
I never can forgive myself."
Accents of love issuing from the grave could hardly have been more
thrilling or unexpected. I turned, and leaning my head on his shoulder,
I felt myself drawn closer and closer to the heart from which I believed
myself for ever estranged. I entreated his forgiveness for having
deceived him. I told him, for I believed it then, that the purity of the
motive did not justify the act; and I promised in the most solemn manner
never again, under any circumstances, to bind myself to do any thing
unknown to him, or even to act spontaneously without his knowledge. In
the rapture of reconciliation, I was willing to give any pledge as a
security for love, without realizing that jealousy was a Shylock,
exacting the fulfilment of the bond,--the pound of flesh "nearest the
heart." Yes, more exacting still, for _he_ paused, when forbidden to
spill the red life-drops, and dropped the murderous knife.
And Ernest,--with what deep self-abasement he acknowledged the errors
into which blind passion had led him. With what anguish he reflected on
the disgraceful charge he had brought against me. Yes; even with tears,
he owned his injustice and madness, and begged me to forget and forgive.
"What have I done?" he cried, when, after our passionate emotions having
subsided, we sat hand in hand, still pale and trembling, but subdued and
grateful, like two mariners escaped from wreck, watching the billows
roaring back from the shore. "What have I done, that this curse should
be entailed upon me? In these paroxysms of madness, I am no more master
of myself than the maniac who hurls his desperate hand in the face of
Omnipotence. Reason has no power,--love no influence. Dark clouds rush
across my mind, shutting out the light of truth. My heart freezes, as in
a wintry storm. O, Gabriella! you can have no conception of what I
suffer, while I writhe in the tempter's grasp. It is said God never
allows man to be tempted beyond his powers of resistance. I dare not
question the word of the Most High, but in the hour of temptation I feel
like an infant contending with the Philistine giant. But, oh! the joy,
the rapture when the paroxysm is past,--when light dawns on the
darkness, when warmth comes meltingly over the ice and snow, when reason
resumes its sway, and love its empire,--oh! my beloved! it is life
renewed--it is a resurrection from the dead,--it is Paradise regained in
the heart."
Those who have floated along on a smooth, tranquil tide, clear of the
breakers and whirlpools and rocks, or whose bark has lain on stagnant
waters, on which a green and murky shade is beginning to gather, with no
breeze to fan them or to curl the dull and lifeless pool, will accuse me
of exaggeration, and say such scenes never occurred in the actual
experience of wedded life; that I am writing a romance, instead of a
reality.
I answer them, that I am drawing the sketch as faithfully as the artist,
who transfers the living form to the canvas; that as it is scarcely
possible to exaggerate the dying agonies of the malefactor transfixed by
the dagger, and writhing in protracted tortures, that the painter may
immortalize himself by the death-throes on which he is gazing; so the
agonies of him,
"Who doubts, yet does, suspects, yet fondly loves,"
cannot be described in colors too deep and strong. Prometheus bound to
the rock, with the beak of the vulture in his bleeding breast, suffering
daily renewing pangs, his wounds healed only to be torn open afresh, is
an emblem of the victim of that vulture passion, which the word of God
declares to be cruel and insatiable as the grave.
No; my pen is too weak to describe either the terrors of the storm or
the halcyon peace, the heavenly joy that succeeded. I yielded to the
exquisite bliss of reconciliation, without daring to give one glance to
the future. I had chosen my destiny. I had said, "Let me be loved,--I
ask no more!"
I was loved, even to the madness of idolatry. My prayer was granted.
Then let me "lay my hand upon my mouth, and my mouth in the dust." I had
rather be the stormy petrel, whose wings dip into ocean's foaming brine,
than the swallow nestling under the barn-eaves of the farmer, or in the
chimney of the country homestead,--
"Better to stand the lightning's shock,
Than moulder piecemeal on the rock."