I do not wish to dwell too long on this sad page of my young life, but
sad as it is, it is followed by another so dark, I know not whether my
trembling hand should attempt to unfold it. Indeed, I fear I have
commenced a task I had better have left alone. I know, however, I have
scenes to relate full of the wildest romance, and that though what I
have written may be childish and commonplace, I have that to relate
which will interest, if the development of life's deepest passions have
power to do so.
The history of a human heart! a true history of that mystery of
mysteries! a description of that city of our God, more magnificent than
the streets of the New Jerusalem! This is what I have commenced to
write. I will go on.
For nine days Peggy wrestled with the destroying angel. During that
time, nineteen funerals had darkened the winding avenue which led to the
grave-yard, and she who was first attacked lingered last. It was
astonishing how my mother sustained herself during these days and nights
of intense anxiety. She seemed unconscious of fatigue, passive, enduring
as the marble statue she resembled. She ate nothing,--she did not sleep.
I know not what supported her. Dr. Harlowe brought her some of that
generous wine which had infused such life into my young veins, and
forced her to swallow it, but it never brought any color to her hueless
cheeks.
On the morning of the ninth day, Peggy sunk into a deathlike stupor. Her
mind had wandered during all her sickness, though most of the time she
lay in a deep lethargy, from which nothing could rouse her.
"Go down to the spring and breathe the fresh air," said the doctor;
"there should be perfect quiet here,--a few hours will decide her fate."
I went down to the spring, where the twilight shades were gathering. The
air came with balmy freshness to my anxious, feverish brow. I scooped up
the cold water in the hollow of my hand and bathed my face. I shook my
hair over my shoulders, and dashed the water over every disordered
tress. I began to breathe more freely. The burning weight, the
oppression, the suffocation were passing away, but a dreary sense of
misery, of coming desolation remained. I sat down on the long grass, and
leaning my head on my clasped hands, watched the drops as they fell from
my dropping hair on the mossy rock below.
"Is it not too damp for you here?"
I knew Richard Clyde was by me,--I heard his light footsteps on the
sward, but I did not look up.
"It is not as damp as the grave will be," I answered.
"Don't talk so, Gabriella, don't. I cannot bear to hear you. This will
be all over soon, and it will be to you like a dark and troubled dream."
"Yes; I know it will be all over soon. We shall all lie in the
churchyard together,--Peggy, my mother, and I,--and you will plant a
white rose over my mother's grave, will you not? Not over mine. No
flowers have bloomed for me in life,--it would be nothing to place them
over my sleeping dust."
"Gabriella! You are excited,--you are ill. Give me your hand. I know you
have a feverish pulse."
I laid my hand on his, with an involuntary motion. Though it was moist
with the drops that had been oozing over it, it had a burning heat. He
startled at its touch.
"You are ill,--you are feverish!" he cried. "The close air of that
little room has been killing you. I knew it would. You should have gone
to Mrs. Linwood's, you and your mother, when she sent for you. Peggy
would have been abundantly cared for."
"What, leave her here to die!--her, so good, so faithful, and
affectionate, who would have died a thousand times over for us. Oh
Richard, how can you speak of such a thing! Peggy is dying now,--I know
that she is. I never looked on death, but I saw its shadow on her livid
face. Why did Dr. Harlowe send me away? I am not afraid to see her die.
Hark! my mother calls me."
I started up, but my head was dizzy, and I should have fallen had not
Richard put his arm around me.
"Poor girl," said he, "I wish I had a sister to be with and comfort you.
These are dark hours for us all, for we feel the pressure of God
Almighty's hand. I do not wonder that you are crushed. You, so young and
tender. But bear up, Gabriella. The day-spring will yet dawn, and the
shadows fly away."
So he kept talking, soothingly, kindly, keeping me out in the balminess
and freshness of the evening, while the fever atmosphere burned within.
I knew not how long I sat. I knew not when I returned to the house. I
have forgotten that. But I remember standing that night over a still,
immovable form, on whose pale, peaceful brow, those purplish spots, of
which I had heard in awful whispers, were distinctly visible. The
tossing arms were crossed reposingly over the pulseless bosom,--the
restless limbs were rigid as stone. I remember seeing my mother, whom
they tried to lead into another chamber,--my mother, usually so calm and
placid,--throw herself wildly on that humble, fever-blasted form, and
cling to it in an agony of despair. It was only by the exertion of main
force that she was separated from it and carried to her own apartment.
There she fell into one of those deadly fainting fits, from which the
faithful, affectionate Peggy had so often brought her back to life.
Never shall I forget that awful night. The cold presence of mortality in
its most appalling form, the shadow of my mother's doom that was rolling
heavily down upon me with prophetic darkness, the dismal preparations,
the hurrying steps echoing so drearily through the midnight gloom; the
cold burden of life, the mystery of death, the omnipotence of God, the
unfathomableness of Eternity,--all pressed upon me with such a crushing
weight, my spirit gasped and fainted beneath the burden.
One moment it seemed that worlds would not tempt me to look again on
that shrouded form, so majestic in its dread immobility,--its cold, icy
calmness,--then drawn by an awful fascination, I would gaze and gaze as
if my straining eyes could penetrate the depths of that abyss, which no
sounding line has ever reached.
I saw her laid in her lowly grave. My mother, too, was there. Dr.
Harlowe did every thing but command her to remain at home, but she would
not stay behind.
"I would follow her to her last home," said she, "if I had to walk
barefoot over a path of thorns."
Only one sun rose on her unburied form,--its setting rays fell on a
mound of freshly heaved sods, where a little while before was a mournful
cavity.
Mrs. Linwood sent her beautiful carriage to take us to the churchyard.
Slowly it rolled along behind the shadow of the dark, flapping pall.
Very few beside ourselves were present, so great a panic pervaded the
community; and very humble was the position Peggy occupied in the world.
People wondered at the greatness of our grief, for she was _only_ a
servant. They did not know all that she was to us,--how could they? Even
I dreamed not then of the magnitude of our obligations.
I never shall forget the countenance of my mother as she sat leaning
from the carriage windows, for she was too feeble to stand during the
burial, while I stood with Dr. Harlowe at the head of the grave. The sun
was just sinking behind the blue undulation of the distant hills, and a
mellow, golden lustre calmly settled on the level plain around us. It
lighted up her pallid features with a kind of unearthly glow, similar to
that which rested on the marble monuments gleaming through the weeping
willows. Every thing looked as serene and lovely, as green and
rejoicing, as if there were no such things as sickness and death in the
world.
My mother's eyes wandered slowly over the whole inclosure, shut in by
the plain white railing, edged with black,--gleamed on every gray stone,
white slab, and green hillock,--rested a moment on me, then turned
towards heaven, with such an expression!
"Not yet, my mother, oh, not yet!" I cried aloud in an agony that could
not be repressed, clinging to Dr. Harlowe's arm as if every earthly stay
and friend were sliding from my grasp. I knew the meaning of that mute,
expressive glance. She was measuring her own grave by the side of
Peggy's clay cold bed,--she was commending her desolate orphan to the
Father of the fatherless, the God of the widow. She knew she would soon
be there, and I knew it too. And after the first sharp pang,--after the
arrow of conviction fastened in my heart,--I pressed it there with a
kind of stern, vindictive joy, triumphing in my capacity of suffering. I
wonder if any one ever felt as I did,--I wonder if any worm of the dust
ever writhed so impotently under the foot of Almighty God!
O kind and compassionate Father! Now I know thou art kind even in thy
chastisements, merciful even in thy judgments, by the bitter chalice I
have drained, by all the waves and billows that have gone over me, by
anguish, humiliation, repentance, and prayer. Forgive, forgive! for I
knew not what I was doing!
From that night my mother never left her bed. The fever spared her, but
she wilted like the grass beneath the scythe of the mower. Gone was the
unnatural excitement which had sustained her the last nine days; severed
the silver cord so long dimmed by secret tears.
Thank heaven! I was not doomed to see her tortured by pain, or raving in
delirious agony,--to see those exquisite features distorted by
frenzy,--or to hear that low, sweet voice untuned, the key-note of
reason lost.
Thank heaven! even death laid its hand gently on one so gentle and so
lovely.