_First Professional Lady, "resting" to Second Ditto_ (_as_ Miss
FLORRIE FOLJAMBE _appears on Stage_). New dresses, to-night.
_Second Ditto_. Yes. (_Inspects_ Miss F.'s _costume_.) Something wrong
with that boy's dress in front, though, cut too low. Is that
silver bullion it's trimmed with? That silver stuff they put on my
pantomime-dress has turned quite yellow!
_First Ditto_. It will sometimes. Did you know any of the critics when
you were down at Slagtown for the Panto?
_Second Ditto_. I knew the _Grimeshire Mercury_, and he said most
awfully rude things about me in his paper. I was rather rude to him
at rehearsal, but we made it up afterwards. You know LILY'S married,
dear?
_First Ditto_. What--LILY? You don't mean it!
_Second Ditto_. Oh, yes, she _is_, though. She went out to Buenos
Ayres, and the other day she was taken in to dinner by the Bishop of
the Friendly Isands.
_First Ditto_. A Bishop? _Fancy!_ That _is_ getting on, isn't it?
_Miss Foljambe_ (_on Stage, acknowledging an encore_). Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am very much obliged for your kind reception this
evening, but having been lately laid up with a bad cold, and almost
entirely lost my vice, and being still a little 'orse, I feel
compelled to ask your kind acceptance of a few 'ornpipe steps, after
which I 'ope to remain, Ladies and Gentlemen, always your obedient
'umble servant to command--FLORRIE FOLIJAMBE!
[_Tumultuous applause and hornpipe._
_Chairman_. Professor BOODLER, the renowned Imitator of Birds, will
appear next!
_The Professor_ (_on Stage_). Ladies and Gentlemen, I shall commence
by an attempt to give you an imitation of that popular and favourite
songster, the Thrush--better known to some of you, I daresay, as
the Throstle, or Mavis! (_He gives the Thrush--which somehow doesn't
"go._") I shall next endeavour to represent that celebrated and
tuneful singing-bird--the Sky-lark. (_He does it, but the Lark
doesn't quite come off._) I shall next try to give you those two sweet
singers, the Male and Female Canary--the gentleman in the stalls with
the yellow 'air will represent the female bird on this occasion, he
must not be offended, for it is a 'igh compliment I am paying him,
a harmless professional joke. (_The Canaries obtain but tepid
acknowledgments._) I shall now conclude my illustrations of bird-life
with my celebrated imitation of a waiter drawing the cork from a
bottle of gingerbeer, and drinking it afterwards.
[_Does so; rouses the audience to frantic enthusiasm, and retires
after triple re-call._
[Illustration]
_The Voluble Lady in the Shilling Stalls_ (_during the performance
of a Thrilling Melodramatic Sketch_). I've nothing to say against her
'usban', a quiet, respectable man, and always treated _me_ as a lady,
with grey whiskers--but that's neither here nor there--and I speak of
parties as I find them--_well. That_ was a Thursday. On the _Saturday_
there came a knock at my door, and I answered it, and there was she,
saying, as cool as you please--(_Heroine on Stage_. "Ah, no, no--you
would not ruin me? You will not tell my husband?") So I told her. "I'm
very sorry," I says, "but I can't lend that frying-pan to nobody." So
I got up. Two hours _after_, as I was going down-stairs, she come out
of her room, and says,--"'Allo, ROSE, 'ow _are_ yer?" as if nothing
had 'appened. "Oh, jolly," I says, or somethink o' that sort--_I_
wasn't going to take no notice of _her_--and she says, "Going
out?" like that. I says. "Oh, yes; nothing to stay in for," I says,
careless-like; so Mrs. PIPER, _she_ never said nothing, and _I_ didn't
say nothing; and so it went on till Monday--_well_! Her 'usban' met me
in the passage; and he said to me--good-tempered and civil enough, I
_must_ say--he said--(_Villain on Stage_. "Curse you! I've had enough
of this fooling! Give me money, or I'll twist your neck, and fling
you into yonder mill-dam, to drown!") So o' course I'd no objection
to that; and all she wanted, in the way of eatables and drink, she
_'ad_--no, let me finish _my_ story first. Well, just fancy _'er_
now! She asked me to step in; and she says, "Ow are you?" and was
very nice, and I never said a word--not wishing to bring up the past,
and--I didn't tell you _this_--they'd a kind of old easy chair in the
room--and the only remark _I_ made, not meaning anythink, was--(_Hero
on Stage_. "You infernal, black-hearted scoundrel! this is _your_
work, is it?") Well, I couldn't ha' put it more pleasant than that,
_could_ I? and old Mr. FITKIN, as was settin' on it, he says to me, he
says--(_Hero_. "Courage, my darling! You shall not perish if my strong
arms can save you. Heaven help me to rescue the woman I love better
than my life!") but he's 'alf silly, so I took no partickler notice of
_'im_, when, what did that woman do, after stoopin' to me, as she
'as, times without number--but--Oh, is the play over? Well, as I was
saying--oh, _I'm_ ready to go if you are, and I can tell you the rest
walking home.
[_Exit, having thoroughly enjoyed her evening._
* * * * *