(_Room in home of Frank and Alice in Topsy Turvy Land_,)
(_Enter Frank and Alice._)
ALICE--There! Just look at this room! I pick up and pick up, and the
minute I go out, when I come back it’s all to do over again. I never
was so sick of anything in all my life, as I am of this Topsy Turvy
Land!
FRANK--(_placing chair correctly, and sitting down_) I wish I could get
hold of that Fairy for a few minutes, that’s what!
ALICE--(_also sitting down_) What could you do with a fairy, I’d
like to know? She’d do something to you before you could say “Jack
Robinson.” (_She looks up, crossly, as Knarf enters and seats himself
on a chair, just as it is._) I do wish, Knarf, you’d learn to knock!
KNARF--And I do wish, Alice, that you’d remember that our music teacher
has told us over and over, never to knock, even if you do request it,
since it is a bad breach of good manners to do so.
ECILA--(_entering and seating herself_) Don’t you like company, really,
Alice?
ALICE--Why, I like you, Ecila, as well, or better, than anything else
in this awful place. But--(_begins to cry_) Oh, I’m so homesick, and so
tired of everything being topsy turvy! If I could go home, I’d never
complain about minding again, or rules, either!
KNARF--Well, of course it is too bad that you haven’t any grown-ups to
make mind.
ALICE--I don’t want to make anyone mind. I want my own dear mother and
father and grandma, too. I’d be glad to mind them, if I could only get
a chance.
ECILA--If you could only find the Fairy who brought you here--
FRANK--Well, we can’t. We’ve hunted and hunted, but we never seem to
get anywhere when we start out.
KNARF--Of course not. All roads lead to nowhere in Topsy Turvy Land.
Did yours lead somewhere?
FRANK--Of course they did. And our teachers knew something. They made
you study and learn your lessons, instead of calling you a hopeless
little blockhead because you didn’t ask them a lot of foolish questions
about nothing in particular.
ALICE--And that music teacher is just the limit. Manners, indeed! The
things he calls manners are the most impolite things imaginable. And
dancing! To walk slowly here and there, and sit down every so many
steps isn’t dancing!
KNARF--What is it, then?
FRANK--Tomfoolery. And what he calls whistling is nothing more than
buzzing! Music teacher! He doesn’t teach a bit of music!
KNARF--Why, manners and dancing and whistling are music.
ALICE--They are not! The only thing the least bit like music that I’ve
heard since I came here is that measly little song the Spankety Man
sings every Friday.
ECILA--That isn’t music! That queer noise he makes! And all the Moms
know loora-laddy. I should think you’d call that music.
ALICE--Well, I don’t. And I don’t even know what time of year it is.
Your days and nights are so mixed up that one can’t keep track of them
at all. We shan’t even know when the Christmas holidays come.
KNARF--Yes, you will, for they’re here now, just as soon as Gother
Moose gets here.
DERF--(_entering and seating himself in the overturned table_) Gother
Moose is a-coming, now.
ALICE--Mother Goose, I bet it is. Is she real?
DERF--’Course her is!
ECILA--Why shouldn’t she be?
ALICE--Why, our Mother Goose is just a book of rhymes and jingles--sort
of stories, you know.
DERF--Dat’s what Gother Moose does--tells stories. Here her comes.
GOTHER MOOSE--(_entering_) Well, well, whom have we here?
DERF--Erf chilluns.
GOTHER MOOSE--Earth children! I’m afraid they belong under the
jurisdiction of my sin twister, who tells her stories in a queer, jerky
sort of fashion. Call in the others, and I’ll be about my task, for
I must journey on to make the Christmas holidays begin in the other
places. I’m late, as it is. (_Dad, Mom, and Marg run in, and seat
themselves, all using the furniture as it is. Gother Moose remains
standing._)
GOTHER MOOSE--What shall I tell you this time?
DERF--Hackey Jorner.
GOTHER MOOSE--Hackey Jorner was a very little boy, no bigger than
Derf. One time he sat down in the middle of the room, where the sides
came together, and put his foot into the oven, which was very cold. He
pulled out a very small pie, all piping hot, and held it neatly on his
knuckles. Then with his fingers on the other hand, he began to eat it.
He took a bite, then he took another, then he took another, then he
took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took
another, then he took another, then--
FRANK--Oh, go on! Never mind so many bites.
GOTHER MOOSE--But he has only had eight bites. That would be too large
a pie, and this was a small one. So he took another bite, and then
he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another,
and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took
another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then
he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another,
and then--what do you think?
FRANK--Oh, he took another, probably.
ALICE--No, he found a plum.
GOTHER MOOSE--A plum? What a queer word! No he found no plum, he
found--that he couldn’t take another, because his pie was gone.
DERF--Tell anodder. Dat was a fine one. Wasn’t it, Alice?
FRANK--Very nice indeed--quite all of a sameness.
GOTHER MOOSE--Ecila may choose this time.
ECILA--Little Po Beeb.
GOTHER MOOSE--Little Po Beeb had one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, woolly cats. One night Po Beeb
did not go to sleep at all, but sat up watching her woolly cats, and as
she watched, they trotted off, down the hill to the very top, then out
of sight, and--
ALICE--She couldn’t tell where to find them.
GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly she could. They were just under the top of the
hill, behind a very small tree. Po Beeb and the Spankety Man walked
after them, and they all came right back. They had gone for a drink of
water.
ALICE--So they all came home, wagging their tails behind them.
GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly not. They did not come home, they went home,
and they had no tails at all. Cats never have any tails. And no animal
in Topsy-Turvy Land, except the terrible Wincheopactylus, ever wears
its tail behind it. It always dangles gracefully forward over the left
shoulder. But I must hurry on, to tell the Christmas stories to other
Topsy Turvy children. Badgye. Watch for Clanty Sauce.
KNARF AND ECILA--We will.
DERF--Yes, us will.
ALICE--Clanty Sauce! Oh, Frank, perhaps he’s our own dear Santa Claus,
and will take us home.
FRANK--You can’t catch Santa Claus. Haven’t we tried, lots of times and
did we catch even a glimpse of him?
ECILA--What a shame! So you never got any presents?
ALICE--Of course we did. But--(_start as Greenies come tumbling in_)
what are these?
DERF--The Greenies! The Greenies!
GREENIES--
The Greenies are we. As sly as can be,
We creep to your window, at night, you see.
And whisper low, as the still winds blow,
“Watch for Old Clanty Sauce, don’t let him go!”
(_Shout out the fourth line as loudly as possible._)
FRANK--That’s what you’d call whispering. What would a shout be like, I
wonder?
GREENIES--
The Greenies are we. As loud as can be,
We call to the children to look and see.
And loudly shout, as we scamper out,
(_Seat themselves on floor, and whisper last line._)
“Watch for old Clanty Sauce. He’s round about.”
(_Greenies rise and begin to tiptoe about, peering in every nook and
corner, and just as intently into the air, or the middle of the floor._)
ALICE--Well, I shan’t watch for him. He doesn’t like it.
GREENIES--Then you won’t get no presents, nor nothing, not never.
FRANK--What grammar.
ALICE--It’s Topsy Turvy language, I suppose. But how about the presents?
ECILA--Why--(_turns to Marg, who has been sitting demurely, without a
word, since entering, as have Dad and Mom._) Marg, you are the biggest.
You tell the little girl about the presents.
MARG--Why, old Clanty Sauce always brings a whole lot of them.
FRANK--Sure. On his back.
MARG--Why, no. In a big box in his arms. And if you see him, he’ll give
you some.
DERF--And if you don’t see him, you won’t det none, not nany tall.
GREENIES--
Watch for old Clanty. He lives in a shanty
Way down in the hot, hot north.
The Greenies come tumbling and rolling and rumbling,
To tell when old Clanty comes forth.
(_They begin to roll and tumble. While the children watch them, Frank
takes his paper out, and begins to write._)
KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?
FRANK--Writing him a letter, to tell him what I want.
KNARF--Well, you just stop it.
FRANK--Why?
KNARF--Last place, because he couldn’t make tail nor head of it any way.
DERF--Next pace, ’cause taint no good manners to tell what you want.
ECILA--First place, ’cause he always knows what you want, anyway, and
brings the nicest things you can think of.
ALICE--Oh, it must be our own dear Santa. Perhaps we really will see
him. (_Clanty, who has peeped in, and quickly drawn back._) Perhaps
not. (_Marg has slowly drawn near door, and been watching closely. When
Clanty draws back, she has him by the leg, and pulls him in._)
MARG--Perhaps we will.
(_Rest of Topsy Turvy folks._)
See! We see! Old Clanty’s caught!
He’ll give us presents, as he ought.
(_Clanty tries to break away, but they surround him._)
CLANTY--(_to Greenies_) Step out and fetch the box. (_They run out, and
return, dragging a large box._)
ALICE--Oh, it isn’t our Santa at all!
CLANTY--
Not Santa, but Clanty, who lives in a shanty,
And makes pretty presents for all.
He’ll find in the box, who loud on it knocks,
There’s something for great and for small.
ECILA--Have you something for earth children too, Clanty dear?
CLANTY--
There’s something to please all, within. Never fear.
Come, Marg, you’re the biggest, so you first shall knock,
And open the box without hinges or lock.
(_Marg steps up, courtesies low to Clanty, and knocks three times on
box, repeating._)
MARG--Open box, shut box. This is Marg who loudly knocks.
(_Box opens and boy within, hidden from audience by raised cover, hands
Marg a baby doll, which should be dressed backward, a rattle, a box of
blocks, an orange, and a bag of candy, then closes box._)
MARG--(_courtesying again_) You’re welcome Clanty Sauce.
(_She sits down on floor, in centre, so others have to step around her,
and begins building houses with her blocks, hugging her dolly, upside
down, and eating candy, at the same time._)
CLANTY--
Mom is next to open the box.
See what she gets when she knocks.
(_Mom steps up, courtesies, knocks three times, and repeats couplet.
Boy hands her a teaset, an orange, a bag of candy, and a sled._)
MOM--(_courtesying_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.
(_She sits down on sled and begins to set a table on it, placing every
thing topsy turvy, of course. Then she begins to bite her orange,
setting pieces of candy as best she may on the dishes, and keeping an
eye out towards Dad._)
CLANTY--
Dad’s gifts from the box come next,
If he can plainly say the text.
(_Dad bows low, knocks, repeats couplet, and gets one skate, a small
bag of stones, an orange, and candy._)
DAD--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.
(_Dad sits down near Frank, and begins to try on skate, wrong side up,
and hind side before._)
FRANK--That’s not the way.
DAD--(_beginning to stuff his candy_) Hush, you mustn’t talk! (_Frank
looks indignant, but stops._)
CLANTY--
Derf next in the box may see
At his gifts he’ll howl with glee.
(_Derf repeats bow, knock, and formula, and receives a very large
slipper, a pipe, an orange, and candy._)
DERF--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce. (_gives a shout._) Dese
are dandy presents.
FRANK--(_aside_) I should think so! Hope mine won’t be like them.
(_Derf sits down, puts both feet into one slipper, puts pipe in mouth
so bowl points downward, and occasionally pops in a piece of candy
without removing pipe from mouth._)
CLANTY--
Next comes Ecila so dear.
She’ll find something nice, ’tis clear.
And Knarf may try his luck, also.
He’ll find something nice, I know.
(_They advance together, go through formula, and receive presents.
Knarf gets a handkerchief and a necktie, and Ecila a pincushion and
a pair of scissors. Both receive oranges and candy. They repeat
together “You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce,” then go back to places. Ecila
puts scissors into her hair, for an ornament, and sits down on the
pincushion, beginning to eat her orange. Knarf ties the necktie on his
ankle, knots the handkerchief into a cap, and munches his candy._)
CLANTY--
Now, Earth children, knock on the box. No fear
But there’ll be something you like, in here.
(_Frank and Alice repeat the formula. Alice gets an engine and an
air-gun, and Frank a doll and a wide pink ribbon. Both get the
inevitable orange and candy._)
BOTH--Thank you, Santa Claus. But we may exchange presents, mayn’t we?
CLANTY--
No change is allowed. If to change two should dare,
Their presents would melt away into thin air.
Come, Greenies, the box drag out, I must away,
When my gifts are all given, no longer I stay.
(_Greenies drag out box. Clanty follows._)
ALL--(_save Frank and Alice_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce, you’re
welcome!
(_Frank and Alice stand gazing at their presents._)
ECILA--Why don’t you eat your orange?
KNARF--And the candy’s great. It’s sweet as can be!
(_Both pop a piece of candy into their mouths, but quickly take it
out._)
ALICE--It’s awful sour!
FRANK--Sourer than a lemon.
KNARF--Sweeter than a lemon, you mean. Don’t you know sweet from sour?
ALICE--Is it all what you call sweet?
DERF--’Course. Candy’s always sweet. Don’t you like it, Girl?
ALICE--No, I don’t. You may have the whole bagful.
KNARF--Give me yours, old chap, if you don’t like it.
FRANK--No, Marg may have mine. She’s little.
KNARF--I should think she was!
ECILA--Try the orange. Perhaps you’ll like that better.
ALICE--(_suspiciously regarding hers_) Is that sweet, too?
ECILA--No.
FRANK--Is it sour?
ECILA--Why, no. It’s--just orangy tasting.
(_The children taste theirs, gingerly, then Frank throws his, and Derf
scrambles to get it._)
FRANK--(_indignantly_) Do you call pepper orangy tasting?
KNARF--Aren’t they like yours?
ALICE--Why, no. They’re hot with pepper.
ECILA--I don’t know what pepper is, but oranges here always taste like
that. They’re good, I think.
ALICE--Then you may have mine (_passes it._) Oh, Frank, don’t swing her
by one leg, like that!
FRANK--(_holding doll out and looking at it._) Well, what do I want of
the thing? And if we can’t swap--
ALICE--We can play with each other’s things. (_holds out hand for
doll._)
ECILA--(_catching her hand back_) You mustn’t. No one can touch
another’s Christmas presents. If they do, they’ll get caught by the
Wincheopactylus, and eaten for his Christmas dinner.
FRANK--Well, of all the mean Christmases! That gun and engine are
dandy, if only I had ’em, though! (_Looks at Knarf, who is counting
over his stones._) What are those good for?
KNARF--Why, they’re kites.
FRANK--Kites. We call ’em rocks, or stones. You can’t fly them, I know.
KNARF--Oh yes, I can. You know that tall place you called a well?
They’ll fly clear to the top of that, if I drop ’em.
FRANK--(_indignantly, looking at Dad_) And see that one skate! Where’s
the mate to it?
DAD--It doesn’t need a mate. You only skate on one foot at a time, you
know.
FRANK--I should think you’d look pretty, balancing on one skate on the
ice.
ALL--Why, we don’t skate on _ice!_
ALICE--(_beginning to cry_) Oh, I want to go home. I want to go home!
It’s a dreadful Christmas! Oh, I’d be so good if I could only go home!
FRANK--So would I. No more grumbling for this young chap.
FAIRY--(_dancing in_) So you’ve come to your senses?
FRANK--Yes, indeed we have, dear Fairy. If you’ll only take us home,
we’ll mind our teachers and parents, and be willing to keep rules, and
learn lessons.
FAIRY--You will? And you, Alice?
ALICE--Oh, take us home, dear Fairy, do! I’ll be so good, if you will.
FAIRY--And you’ll remember the lessons you’ve learned?
BOTH--We will. We couldn’t help it. (_Fairy has flitted to front. They
have followed, leaving all the others where curtain will hide them when
it falls._)
FAIRY--Then close your eyes, take hold of hands, and turn around three
times, saying, “Home again, home again, never to return again,” then
open your eyes, and you’ll see what you’ll see.
(_As they do so, inner curtain falls, and she flits out. As they open
their eyes, she calls back, “Remember.”_)
ALICE--Oh we are, we are, back again! There’s the schoolhouse!
FRANK--And I’m glad to see it. Think of that! What a dreadful place
Topsy Turvy Land was!
ALICE--I’m sure we’ll remember our promise. Only think if we had to go
back again!
FRANK--There’s just one thing I wish I’d seen--that awful wild beast of
theirs.
ALICE--It might have eaten you up. I’m glad we didn’t see it. No more
Topsy Turvy things for me. I think it was all dreadful.
FRANK--And the worst of all was that Topsy Turvy Christmas!
ALICE--Let’s run home and find out if Christmas has really come here.
FRANK--Let’s hope it hasn’t.
BOTH--But no Christmas at all would be better than a Topsy Turvy
Christmas! (_Both run out, hand in hand._)
CURTAIN.
Christmas Entertainments
=CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER.= A new Christmas play by Elizabeth F.
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less success. May be given in any schoolroom by any number. Easy to
produce. Costumes simple. Children and grown-ups will be delighted with
CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. Price, 15 cents.
=A TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS.= Another new Christmas play by Elizabeth F.
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=CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S.= Elizabeth F. Guptill. Here is a new
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=CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES.= By Cecil J. Richmond. A book full of the
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=EVERGREEN AND HOLLY--SONG AND DRILL.= By Elizabeth F. Guptill. A drill
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Paine Publishing Company, Dayton, Ohio
Transcriber’s Note:
Spelling and punctuation have been retained as published, including the
use of “courtesy” for what today we would spell as “curtsey”, except as
follows:
Page 4
thinest boy obtainable _changed to_
thinnest boy obtainable
Page 6
FRANK(_crossly_) Nothing _changed to_
FRANK--(_crossly_) Nothing
Why Shouldn’t the grown-ups _changed to_
Why shouldn’t the grown-ups
Page 9
You’re father must look funny _changed to_
Your father must look funny
Big as that, _changed to_
Big as that.
Did you call me, Knarf.? _changed to_
Did you call me, Knarf?
Page 10
Mom (_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold _changed to_
Mom--(_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold
Page 11
begins to whistle, lowdly _changed to_
begins to whistle, loudly
Page 16
He dosen’t teach a bit _changed to_
He doesn’t teach a bit
Moose is a coming _changed to_
Moose is a-coming
Course her is _changed to_
’Course her is
Page 18
He dosen’t like it. _changed to_
He doesn’t like it.
Page 19
KNARF (_suspiciously_) What you doing? _changed to_
KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?
Page 20
Yuur’e welcome Clanty _changed to_
You’re welcome Clanty
Page 22
You musn’t. No one can _changed to_
You mustn’t. No one can
of all the mean Christmasses _changed to_
of all the mean Christmases
Page 24
and the everything being _changed to_
and everything being
all sing a beautiful Chistmas _changed to_
all sing a beautiful Christmas
End of Project Gutenberg's A Topsy-Turvy Christmas, by Elizabeth F. Guptill