(_Enter Alice, angrily, runs across front of stage, clenches fists,
stamps--in short, has a real temper fit, and ends by throwing herself
down, and screaming noisily. Enter Frank, sulkily. He goes slowly and
sullenly to where Alice is crying, then stops, looking sullenly down at
her._)
FRANK--What’s the matter, Alice?
ALICE--I’m mad.
FRANK--So I see. What about?
ALICE--(_looking up_) What are you mad about, yourself? You look like a
thunder cloud.
FRANK--I’m not mad.
ALICE--Yes, you are, too. I know. (_gets up_) What is the matter, truly?
FRANK--(_crossly_) Nothing, I tell you. What were you screeching so for?
ALICE--’Cause I was mad, I tell you.
FRANK--What for?
ALICE--Say, I’ll tell you what I was mad at, if you will, too. Will you?
FRANK--_Perhaps_--well, yes, I suppose I could. You first, though.
ALICE--No, you.
FRANK--Ladies first, always.
ALICE--There, that’s it, exactly. That “always.” Why should a thing
always be just the same? You must always say “ladies first,” and
both of us must offer each other the biggest piece, when we want it
ourselves, and always mind what the grown-ups say, and shut the door,
and a whole lot of nonsense. Why shouldn’t the grown-ups mind us part
of the time?
FRANK--Is that what you are mad at?
ALICE--Yes, it is. My mother thinks I ought to mind everything she
says, and never talk back, and when I said I was going over to Kitty’s
she said I couldn’t, and when I--argued a little about it, she said I
was saucy, and spanked me. I wish I could find a place where mothers
had to mind their children a while, and see how they like it.
FRANK--So do I. My teacher kept me after school because I couldn’t
answer every question in my geography lesson. Why don’t she answer some
of them? We scholars have to do all the work, and the teacher just
listens and watches for something to find fault with, all the time.
ALICE--I know. Why don’t they let us ask the questions? It would be
much the best way, I’m sure. And rules. I’m so sick of rules. You
mustn’t do this and you mustn’t do that, and if you do, some one will
punish you. I’d like to live where there weren’t any rules at all, and
where children were the biggest for a spell. Wouldn’t I teach them a
thing or two?
FRANK--There isn’t any such place, I’m afraid. I never learned about it
in my geography.
ALICE--You’ve never been way through it yet. Perhaps there is, now.
Let’s hunt for it.
FRANK--All right, let’s. (_They sit down on floor, and open geography,
turning the leaves slowly._)
ALICE--Oh dear. I can’t read half fast enough. It would take most a
year to read all that, and two more years to study all the maps. Let’s
go ask one of the High School boys or girls. They’ve learned it all.
FRANK--No, let’s don’t. They’d only laugh at us. The big ones always
do. Let’s go look for it ourselves. We’ll have adventures on the way,
most likely, and it will be great sport.
ALICE--All right, let’s. Shall we start now?
FRANK--Sure. Shall I go this way and you that, like Red Riding Hood and
the wolf, or shall we go together?
ALICE--Oh, together. I’d be afraid to go alone, I’m sure. Hark! What
was that? (_A little tinkle is heard._)
FRANK--Sounded like a very little bit of a bell.
ALICE--Listen, and see if it comes again. (_The tinkle grows louder,
and the fairy trips lightly on stage._)
ALICE AND FRANK TOGETHER--Oh!
FAIRY--I’m the Fairy Tinkle Bell, of Everywhere. I heard two little
children wishing for a new land, and I’ve come to show them the way.
ALICE--Oh goody, goody. Won’t I have to mind there?
FAIRY--No.
FRANK--And are things different than they are here?
FAIRY--Yes, indeed.
ALICE--Then we’ll go. Take us now, good Fairy, do.
FRANK--How far is it?
FAIRY--So far that you never could find the way alone, but I can take
you there in one moment. You have only to do as I say.
BOTH CHILDREN--Oh, we will, we will.
FAIRY--Then take hold of hands, close your eyes, and go round three
times, saying “Topsy Turvy” three times, slowly. Then say “Here we are”
and open your eyes. That is all.
(_Children do so. Fairy waves wand, and curtain rises as she flits out.
Children open eyes._)
FRANK--(_who is facing audience_) What next? Why, where is she?
ALICE--Why, why, everything is different. It’s not the same place at
all. Where are we?
(_Knarf and Ecila run in._)
KNARF--You’re in Topsy Turvy land, of course.
ECILA--Isn’t that where you wanted to be?
DERF--(_running in_) ’Cause you’re here, whether you want to be or not.
FRANK--So I see. Well, perhaps it is where we wanted to be. At any
rate, Fairy Tinkle Bell brought us here, when we were trying to find a
place in the geography.
ECILA--I never heard of that place.
FRANK--I never named any place. How do you know you never heard of it?
ECILA--Why, yes you did, too. You told the country you were journeying
in, to find some town. I heard you.
FRANK--I did not.
KNARF--Yes, you did. You said you were looking there for this place you
wanted.
ALICE--Oh, in the geography. A geography isn’t a place. It’s a book
about places.
DERF--What’s a book?
FRANK--A book? Gee! Don’t you have books here?
ECILA--His name isn’t Gee. It’s Derf.
ALICE--That’s a queer name. What’s yours?
ECILA--It’s Ecila. What’s yours?
ALICE--Mine is Alice. And what’s his name? (_looks toward Knarf._)
ECILA--It’s Knarf.
FRANK--Oh, Frank. Same as mine.
KNARF--No, not same as yours. It’s not Frank at all. It’s Knarf.
FRANK--How do you spell it?
KNARF--Spell it? I don’t know what you mean.
FRANK--Well, write it. Here. (_Takes small pad of paper and pencil from
pocket._)
KNARF--(_taking them_) What are they for.
FRANK--To write with, of course. This way. (_Takes them, and writes._)
See. F--R--A--N--K. That’s Frank. That’s my name. Write yours.
KNARF--I can’t. I never heard of such a thing. Is Frank the name of
that thing now? And haven’t you any name left, at all?
FRANK--Well, of all the silly questions. Of course it’s my name just
the same. The name of that thing is paper. And if I spell it backward,
it’s Knarf, just like yours. I’ve done it for fun, lots of times.
ECILA--(_to Alice_) Can you separate yourself from your name, that way?
ALICE--Can I write it, you mean? Why, yes. (_does so._) See!
A--L--I--C--E, spells Alice.
ECILA--Could you do mine?
ALICE--Why, I guess so. Say it again.
ECILA--It’s Ecila.
ALICE--It ought to be E--S--I--L--A. Why, if I spell it with a C
instead of an S, it will be Alice backward. Guess this is Topsy Turvy
Land all right. What’s your name? (_to Derf._)
ECILA--It’s Derf. Do his on the white thing.
ALICE--(_writing_) D--E--R--F. Why, that’s Fred, backward. That’s my
little brother’s name.
ECILA--Yes, and that’s my little brother.
FRANK--Little brother! He’s a heap bigger than you are.
KNARF--No such thing. It will be a long time before he grows to my
size. He’s only three.
FRANK--Three. Three what, I wonder? He’s taller than my father.
ECILA--Your father must look funny. (_to Alice_) How old are you? I’m
ten.
ALICE--Why, so am I, but I’m not nearly so tall. And Frank is twelve.
ECILA--So is Knarf. But he’s bigger than I am, and your brother is
smaller than you.
FRANK--Well, either I’m dippy, or you are. You say everything topsy
turvy.
KNARF--Of course. This is Topsy Turvy Land. How big is your little
brother? As small as Derf?
FRANK--He’s three, and about so tall. (_measures._)
ECILA--So when you say small, or little, you mean big. And your father?
He’s not as little as Derf, you say. How little is he?
DERF--My Daddy’s big, real big. Big as that. (_measures._)
ALICE--He must be tiny. I’d like to see him.
KNARF--I’ll call him.
ALICE--Maybe he’s busy, or perhaps he wouldn’t like to be called just
to be looked at.
KNARF--Well, when my own father can’t come when he’s called, or
don’t want to be shown off to my friends, I’ll see about it. (_calls
commandingly._) Dad!
ALICE--Why, we say that, sometimes. Oh, I see, it’s the same both ways.
DAD--(_running in_) Did you call me, Knarf?
KNARF--Yes, I wanted to show you to these--children, they say they
are--just our ages.
DAD--(_staring_) Your ages? They’re awful big.
ECILA--(_sternly_) Take off your hat, at once, and stop staring. And
making personal remarks, too. That’s three points for Friday. (_holds
up three fingers._)
DAD--Oh, I forgot, Ecila. I beg your pardon. Please excuse me this time.
KNARF--No indeed. And before company, too.
DAD--But--
KNARF--Answering back, too. Be quiet, sir. That’s four for Friday.
DERF--He sweared, I fink, under his breff. I sawn his lips a-movin’.
KNARF--That’s six for Friday.
ECILA--Where’s Mom?
DAD--I don’t know. Dressing her doll, I think.
ECILA--(_calling_) Mom! Mom!
(_Mom comes running in, doll in hand._)
MOM--What is it? Oh! (_drops courtesy._) Happy to see you.
ECILA--You see, I have her well trained. Does your mother mind as quick?
ALICE--My mother? I have to mind her; she doesn’t mind me. But is she
really your mother?
ECILA--Of course. She wouldn’t mind anyone else as quick, would she?
(_Mom goes to Dad, who still looks down, sullenly._)
MOM--What’s the matter, dear?
KNARF--He’s in disgrace. Don’t talk to him. (_Mom gives him a
comforting pat._)
DERF--Her petted him, her did. One for Fiday.
ECILA--Come away, Mom, at once. (_Mom does so._) Show the company what
a pretty behaved mother is like, now. Sing for them.
Mom--(_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold.
ECILA--Nonsense! Stand up at once, and sing. Sing “Loora-laddy.”
(_Mom acts like a bashful little girl. Ecila shakes her, and she begins
to cry._)
FRANK--Don’t make her show off. I know how she feels, I hate it
awfully, myself, don’t you?
ECILA--Why, I don’t know. I never tried. I’m not big enough yet. (_to
Mom_) Come, sing! Sing up, now, at once. There’s a lot piling up for
Friday.
(_Mom sings between sobs, “Loora-laddy, loora-laddy” over and over, a
number of times. There should be no particular tune, and no attempt at
time. She should end in the middle of a syllable, on some note least
fitted for an end._)
KNARF--There! Next time do as you’re told. One for Friday for crying.
Now, Dad, you whistle.
DERF--Oh, Mom made a face, her did. One for Fiday.
(_Dad begins to whistle, loudly, but not tunefully. He should whistle
in jerks, and keep time with his hands, in some absurd way._)
FRANK--(_to Dad_) Are you their father, really?
DAD--Of course. You think I mind ’cause I like it, do you?
ECILA--(_to Alice_) Have you a Marg.
ALICE--A Marg. What’s that?
ECILA--Why, my Marg was Dad’s mother. Some children have two. Have you
any?
ALICE--Oh, I see! A grandmother! We do call ours Gram. She likes it.
You don’t make her mind, do you?
ECILA--Of course. (_calls._) Marg! Marg! Where in Topsy Turvydom is
she? Mom, go find her.
DERF--I’ll find her. (_goes out._)
KNARF--Do you mind your father, truly?
FRANK--Of course. I have to.
KNARF--Don’t you like to? Then what makes you?
FRANK--He does. No. I don’t always like to, but I like it better than I
should treating him that way.
KNARF--How funny. (_Derf comes in, pulling Marg behind him. She holds
back and struggles, but he pulls her along._)
DERF--Her was a playin’ blocks, and her wouldn’t come. Her’s a naughty,
naughty Marg. Two, fee, for Fiday.
ECILA--Naughty Marg! She must come when Ecila calls her. Come here.
(_Marg hangs back, and Ecila picks her up, shakes her a bit, then puts
her down. Marg sinks down in a heap, crying loudly._)
DERF--Dere’ll be a lot of fees for Fiday, if her don’t stop ’at noise.
(_Marg cries harder. Knarf sidles up, and surreptitiously passes her a
piece of candy. She stops crying at once. Ecila spies candy._)
ECILA--Now Knarf, you shouldn’t spoil her that way! (_to Marg_) Only
good Margs ought to have candy. Naughty Margs don’t deserve any.
MARG--I’d give you some, Girl, but it’s all gone. Are you cross to your
Marg? Do you always make her mind quick?
FRANK--Of course not. Our dear Gram does as she pleases, and we all try
to please her.
MARG--Why, how nice! Is she as tall as I am?
ECILA--She’s as tall as Knarf.
MARG--And a Marg! How very strange!
KNARF--Don’t talk so much, Marg. Grown-ups should be seen and not
heard.
DERF--It’s Fiday, it’s Fiday. Here comes the Spankety Man! (_Dad and
Mom look wildly around. Marg hides behind Alice._)
FRANK--It isn’t Friday, either. It’s Wednesday.
DERF--’Tis Fiday. Spankety Man’s a-coming.
ALICE--But it was Wednesday a few minutes ago, and we haven’t been to
bed yet.
ECILA--What’s that got to do with it?
ALICE--Why, it’s got to be night before it’s another day, hasn’t it?
ECILA--Not in Topsy Turvy Land. What a strange country you must live
in! Here we jumble our days up more. We don’t go by rules; we hate
them. We have a lot of days together, and then, when we get sleepy
enough, we have a few nights.
FRANK--But Thursday has to come before Friday, doesn’t it?
KNARF--Why should it have to? Things don’t go by rule here. And it is
Friday, for here comes the Spankety Man.
(_Spankety Man enters, sets down bag, and takes out an assortment of
spankers, which he lays out on the floor._)
SPANKETY MAN--(_to Frank_) Good Friday, Sir. I believe we haven’t met
before. Any parents or grand-parents?
FRANK--Yes.
SPANKETY MAN--Spanking done every Friday. One spank for each point.
Settlement every New Year’s Day, at so much a hundred. Discount for
specially naughty ones. Want to open an account?
FRANK--No.
ALICE--We wouldn’t want Papa and Mamma spanked; nor Gram, either. The
idea!
SPANKETY MAN--You’ll spoil’em, Ma’am, spoil’em. Better patronize me.
It’s necessary, I assure you.
ALICE--No, indeed.
DERF--Tum, sing your song, and get to work. Marg’s awful bad.
SPANKETY MAN (_sings_) Tune: “Michael Roy.” (_He beats time, and
otherwise emphasizes his song, with one of his spankers._)
Oh, every Friday in there stalks
The Spankety, Spankety Man.
To every single house he walks,
The Spankety, Spankety Man.
He carries his bag where’er he goes,
A-dangling from his hand.
It holds every kind of spanker known
In Topsy Turvy Land.
Chorus.
For oh, sing ho!
For the Spankety, Spankety Man!
Bring out your naughty Dads and Moms,
To the Spankety, Spankety Man.
He lives far away by the crimson sea,
The Spankety, Spankety Man.
In a little red house by a whip-whop tree,
The Spankety, Spankety Man.
He gathers the whips and dries them well,
With all the sting left in.
And the spankers, too, that grow on the hill,
Are gathered and dried by him.
ALICE--I think you’re horrid!
SPANKETY MAN--Ma’am?
ALICE--I said I think you’re horrid.
SPANKETY MAN--I only do my duty, Ma’am, and earn an honest living. You
wouldn’t want to have to do all your own spanking, would you?
ALICE--I don’t believe in spanking, at all.
SPANKETY MAN--Oh, if you’re an unbeliever, it’s no use to argue, but
“Spare the spanks and spoil the Dads” is a true maxim, just the same.
Well, we’ll begin with Marg, as usual. How many points? And which
spanker?
(_Ecila takes a watch from her pocket, and Derf picks out a spanker._)
DERF--Dis one.
ECILA--Seventy-two, I’m sorry to say. Come, Marg. Why, where is she?
ALICE--You shan’t spank that dear little grandmother. The idea!
SPANKETY MAN--Business is business, Ma’am. Please step aside.
ALICE--I shan’t. You shan’t touch her.
FRANK--(_stepping to her side_) No indeed, you sha’nt. Let her alone.
(_All gather around them, and Dad and Mom seize the opportunity to
sneak off platform, encouraged by nods and gestures from Frank._)
SPANKETY MAN--Will you move aside?
ALICE--No.
SPANKETY MAN--Then it will have to be postponed till next Friday, for
here comes the Teacher.
FRANK--I’m glad of it. She’ll make you behave.
KNARF--No, she won’t. _She’s_ a _he_, and _we_ make _him_ behave. (_to
Spankety Man_) Get your ruler ready.
ALICE--(_to Marg_) Do you know your lessons?
MARG--I don’t have to. I don’t have to ask the questions, nor answer
them. The children ask them and the Teacher answers them. If he misses,
he’s punished.
FRANK--Just as I’ve always wished it might be. I’ll ask the first one.
KNARF--You may. You’re company. (_Enter Teacher, looking worried._)
KNARF--Begin. Ask him one.
FRANK--What’s the capital of Massachusetts?
(_Teacher stares at him in astonishment._)
SPANKETY MAN---Oh, I say, that isn’t fair. You must ask questions that
mean something.
FRANK--Why, I did.
TEACHER--Then two of the words were in a foreign language. I’m the
Common Teacher. Foreign languages come in High.
FRANK--Well, I had to learn it, and a lot more like it.
ECILA--You ask one. Ask a fair one.
ALICE--How much are two and two?
TEACHER--Twenty-two.
KNARF--Right. Where did these children come from?
TEACHER--From--from--from the farthest dominions of Topsy Turvy Land, I
should say.
KNARF--(_to Frank_) Is that right?
FRANK--Why, no. We came from--(_Give name of town and State where play
is being given._)
TEACHER--There’s no such place.
FRANK--There is, too. It’s in the United States of America.
TEACHER--There’s no such place as that, either.
ALICE--Why, everyone knows the United States, all over the earth.
SPANKETY MAN--Did you come from the earth?
FRANK--Of course. Did you think we came from Mars?
TEACHER--No, for this is Mars. But it isn’t fair to ask me questions
about the Earth. All our most learned men have been able to discover
about the earth is that it is a very slow-moving, dull star which
turns on itself once every month or two, and takes about a century to
get around the sun. The winters are so long and cold that no life is
possible. It is supposed to be a worn out planet.
FRANK--The idea! It’s every bit wrong.
ECILA--Keep points, Mr. Spankety Man. (_to Teacher_) How did they get
here?
TEACHER--I don’t know.
DERF--Him don’t know. Dat’s five points, or fee, which is it? It’s my
turn. What’s the biggest nanimal in Topsy Turvy Land?
TEACHER--The Wincheopactylus. He is very large and fierce, and lives on
new inhabitants, whom he eats raw. His voice is a high trill, and he
gives warning of his presence--
KNARF--He certainly does. There’s one coming now. Run, everybody, run!
(_All run out, in confusion, with screams and cries, dragging Frank
and Alice with them. If a tiny dog, or large cat, can be made to walk
across the stage after them, it will add to the climax of the scene._)
CURTAIN.