_Some further account of his progress in the way of life, with
other reasons of his conduct in regard of the church of Rome._
THE affair of renouncing communion with the Romish church, and
declaring himself a member of the church of _England_, being now
over, he set himself to read with much diligence the holy scriptures,
together with the writings of some of the most eminent Protestant
divines. And hereby he received further light every day, being more
and more persuaded that his conduct was right.
By this means he began likewise to see into the nature of the gospel,
and the one, only way which it points to life and blessedness, grace
and glory. ‘Now (says he) I begin to discern clearly that it is _the
blood of_ Christ alone which _cleanseth from sin_, and that _by one
offering_ of himself once for all, _he hath perfected for ever them
that are sanctified_.’¹――Perfectly accomplished, without any need of
other helps, or repetitions of the same, all that was necessary in
order to the justification and glorification of all believers.
¹ Hebrews x. 14.
“I likewise became now more clearly sensible of the errors which I
formerly held. As 1st, Thinking that my own works could merit something
from God. 2dly, vainly imagining that there is a place for the
purgation of sin after death. When at any time therefore I was asked
now, why I had left the church of _Rome_? I could answer upon good and
solid grounds: because I am well assured that the doctrines of merit
(to speak of no more) and works of supererogation, are contrary both to
reason and scripture.”――――To reason, it being absurd to suppose that a
creature, receiving life, and breath, and all things from its Creator,
should be able to love, adore, and obey him, more than is required of
him as his indispensable duty.――――To scripture; being flatly contrary
to the words of Christ, _When ye shall have done all these things which
are commanded you, say_, that is, take knowledge, _we are unprofitable
servants_.¹
¹ Luke xvii. 10.
“Beside, If _the blood of_ Christ, the merit of all he hath done and
suffered, _cleanseth from all sin_,¹ what imaginable need can there
be of the fire of purgatory? Surely when _all_ sin is cleansed, or
taken away, there can be _none_ remaining.” Alas for those who trust
for safety to such a staff of a broken reed! Deferring the _present_
opportunities and means of deliverance from sin and death, under the
pretence of some future purgation from sin in the invisible world.
¹ 1 John i. 7.
“If all the light of this world was to be _immediately_ at once
extinguished, _all human_ souls that were not in some real degree of
regeneration, would immediately find themselves but the rage of fire,
and horror of darkness.” O then thou poor sinner, whoever thou art,
repent, repent, and turn to God, whilst thou hast flesh upon thee; for
as long as that lasts the kingdom of God is _nigh at hand_: but if thou
diest without true conversion, better thou hadst never been born! For
then “black lakes, bottomless pits, ages of a gnawing worm, and a fire
that never ceases to burn, will stand between thee and the kingdom of
heaven for ever.”
His now encreasing knowledge in the things of God; his ability from the
holy scriptures to distinguish between truth and error, became daily
and justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. But yet his unregenerate
nature was not, could not be truly at rest. The word of God was now
indeed his study and delight. But it served likewise, by shewing him
how his heart and life must be, more deeply to distress him. _The
commandment_ in its spiritual and extensive meaning, still dissecting
his inward parts, slew him (_Romans vii. 8‒11._) so that he was clearly
and distressingly sensible of his death _in trespasses and sins_. His
convictions and anguish of spirit became therefore more afflictive than
ever.
The small cessation from pain which his relinquishing _popery_ afforded,
served now, only to augment his sorrow, to find that after all, the
_great affair_ was yet to do. And such was his present anxiety, that
he even forgot, or neglected to eat his bread. “My conscience (says he)
still condemned me, there was no rest in my bones by reason of sin.”
And yet meaning to make sure work, he desired to know the uttermost of
his evil and danger. To this end he read those passages, both divine
and human, which seemed most to condemn him: “For I was willing (adds
he) to know the worst of my condition: not indeed that this was always
the case. Sometimes the devil, and the corruption of my nature so far
prevailed as to hush my conscience, and drown my convictions, by a
variety of thoughts, and things.”
Thus far did he labour through the furnace of heart-tormenting conflict;
assaulted on the one hand by the _Romanists_, who still wrought him
all the trouble they could, both by calumny and contention: And on the
other, by _the ruler of the darkness of this world_; _Satan_ and his
emissaries, seeking to devour him. Our Lord’s words, _John xvi. 21._
were literally verified in him; as indeed they are more or less, in
every one that is truly _born again_. He travailed in birth, and was
in sorrow, and pain to be delivered. The agony of his heart frequently
extorted from him, complaints to this effect, _the sorrows of death
have compassed me about, and the pains of hell have got hold upon me_!
He found trouble and heaviness. In his distress he cried unto the Lord,
and said, _O Lord I beseech thee deliver my soul! I am oppressed,
undertake for me!_
And thus he remained for some time waiting, and longing for his God,
even as the thirsty ground for showers. His sorrow it is true was often
interspersed with gleams of sweetly reviving hope. That yet a little
while, and he whom he sought would come, and would not tarry, while his
very pulse still beat, _Make no long tarrying, O my God. Make haste my
beloved, and come away. Be thou like a roe, or a young hart upon the
mountains of Bether._ The Lord did indeed wait to be gracious to him,
and was exalted in having mercy upon him. He brought _to the birth_,
and gave _strength to bring forth_. For the spirit of heaviness, he
afterwards received the garments of praise, and for mourning the oil of
joy.